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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another child threatening to make Ds perform sexual act on him

78 replies

MyMyMy19 · 09/10/2019 21:09

Not AIBU but really need some advice!!
Ds aged 9 came home crying today after school as a boy who is 10 at his school has today threatened to beat DS up tomorrow and then make him "suck his c@@@"
I am disgusted, shocked ,upset as is obviously my DS. He doesnt want to go to school and is quite frankly scared of this boy.
What am I to do?
It was too late in the evening for me to contact the school when I found out so tomorrow morning is the first time I'll be able to speak to anyone about this.
I'm rightly very upset and angry and am trying to think what to do best for my Ds but where do I start?

OP posts:
DrBlackbird · 09/10/2019 22:25

Really sorry to hear about this. How upsetting for you and your son. Just want to echo with PP's to take this seriously. This happened at a friend's dc's school. The bully / harasser stayed at the school (but had a 1:1 'minder' after it happened) whilst the other poor lad left the school distraught and traumatised.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 09/10/2019 22:25

YY Dyrne
‘Suck my dick’ is an offhand comment. As a secondary teacher I have heard it many times. I have NEVER heard a child threaten another child with forced oral sex.

dietcokemum · 09/10/2019 22:30

Safeguarding. The other boy is a victim of sexual abuse until proven otherwise.

Notcontent · 09/10/2019 22:31

Whatever is the intended meaning, there is a serious problem with the boy’s home life if he is using this expression as a 10 year old!!!

tolerable · 09/10/2019 22:41

op.dont send wee one to school.no reason he cant accompany you to meeting if childcare issue.you have to reinforce that this is outrageous,unacceptable and regardless of why\where the other child has learned such a threat..it has to be taken seriously. ..It is NOT an empty threat or unlikely..to say will beat up,the extra sexual threat is horrific. My 9 year old son would be utterly unaware of cocksucking in any context but am pretty sure once giggiling stopped hed be horrified.do not write it off as "antics".

Basil90 · 09/10/2019 22:42

Hi OP, sorry to hear this has happened to your DS. Just to echo all other posters, please go to see the headteacher in the morning. Be clear that you want to make a formal complaint and ensure you don't leave the room until you're offered assurances as to how your DS (and other children) will be kept safe whilst this incident is being investigated. I would expect the other child to be suspended pending the investigation - afterall, this was a threat of sexual violence. I would advise the school that you will be contacting social services. This other child may well be being abused himself, or perhaps it's just poor parenting and he's carelessly exposed to these type of phrases. Good luck OP

UnoriginalUserName948 · 09/10/2019 22:49

“Suck my cock” isn’t a threat in those terms OP especially not from a 10 yr old - he’s trying to be hard. As regards the bullying though, it needs nipping in the bud, parent to parent imo.

This is terrible advice. If the boy had said "I'm going to bring a knife into school and stab you" would you have the same advice?

OP, inappropriate sexual knowledge/talk is a red flag for CSA. It may (and I hope it is!) be nothing, or boy has watched an inappropriate clip on YouTube or something, but worse case scenario, you speaking to the head could save this child from god knows what. Do NOT approach the parent. Calmly approach the headteacher tomorrow and say you have a serious concern you need to discuss. If they say they are busy, say it is a possible safeguarding concern (both for your son and for this other boy) and they should make time for you.
And well done- your son feels safe enough to talk to you.

Hadenoughofitall441 · 09/10/2019 22:56

There was an incident at my sons school last year in year 6 where one of the boy (trouble maker) told the whole class two of the student have had sex, it wasn’t true as they were my sons best friends so he would know, but the boy got in big trouble. Then his mum come storming down the school. Because of course the sun shines out of his ass.
You need to ring the school and make them aware of what happened thy are the only people who can really sort it.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 09/10/2019 23:02

Definately speak to the HT OP. This is a safeguarding issue and school are obliged to take it seriously. Let us know how you get on please.

powershowerforanhour · 09/10/2019 23:10

"Suck my cock” isn’t a threat in those terms OP

Boris, is that you?

BillHadersNewWife · 09/10/2019 23:15

Omg he didn't say ' suck my cock' he said 'I'm going to make you suck my cock tomorrow'. COMPLETELY different!

mumwon · 09/10/2019 23:22

state coldly to ht that if they don't take this very seriously (ie exclude the other child) you will be forced to go to the police & you anyway be reporting this to social services as it is very likely this threat may come from a child who may well be at risk

GreenTulips · 09/10/2019 23:26

Go with ‘school refusal’ it’s sets of a chain of alarm bells.
Look at the complaints policy, or ask for a copy.
Insist the boys parents are informed of his actions
As the boy is over the age of responsibility you can report to the police if you don’t feel they take you seriously
But ..... say ‘DS feels DS thinks ... DD is scared etc and keep your emotion out of it, and don’t ask about the other boy .... I boy only DS

VenusTiger · 09/10/2019 23:42

I’d speak to the school obviously fgs! I’d also speak to the parents!!

Sleepyhead19 · 09/10/2019 23:42

I think if he was my son I would keep him off tomorrow and go to see the headteacher and ask what is going to be done about it. Your son needs reassurance that this is being dealt with and he won’t feel safe until that happens. You also need reassurance it won’t happen again otherwise you will worry so much.
It might be that the boy has heard the expression from an older sibling or older kids at the park but even if that’s the case, I would like him to know what a vile threat it is. I’d also like to have the school report it and make sure someone investigated to ensure that boy is safe at home.
I truly hope your son is ok and is able to put this to the back of his mind.

ILearnedItFromABook · 09/10/2019 23:45

I personally wouldn't care whether or not it's an expression/"offhand comment" that isn't meant to be taken literally. If someone (even another child) uses that "expression" to a child, they should face some consequences and be told in no uncertain terms that it's unacceptable.

I'd involve the school right away. Don't take for granted that the parents of a 10-year-old who threatens to beat up a child and uses violent expressions would be the type you can reason with. Odds are, they're not exactly model citizens, themselves, but even if they are, there's no harm done in letting them know you take this situation seriously-- by involving the school.

BillHadersNewWife · 09/10/2019 23:46

Venus nobody should EVER speak to the parents. Not sensible at all and if there was abuse happening it could put the boy at risk.

Dyrne · 09/10/2019 23:46

Jesus Christ the OP can’t start dictating what punishment the other boy will face. What if he’s already been flagged as At Risk?

Trust that the school will do their job and the OP has no right to know the sordid ins and outs of another pupil’s punishment or home life.

What she can do is insist the school support her son properly.

Dyrne · 09/10/2019 23:49

VenusTiger And what is the boy knows this threat because his father threatens him regularly with it? Or what if he hears his father threaten his mother like that?

TwoPupsandaHamster · 09/10/2019 23:51

Don't speak to the parents OP. The other child MAY be subjected to abuse. Don't give the parents the opportunity to collaborate a story. The school will inform SS, who will investigate, and if necessary will inform the Police. Leave it to those trained in Child Protection.

FieldsOf · 09/10/2019 23:56
Flowers
UnoriginalUserName948 · 10/10/2019 00:04

VenusTiger
DO NOT APPROACH PARENTS.
Firstly, in a worst case scenario, it may warn them and they may have time to bully their child into silence.
Secondly, if it is more innocent, no parent in the history of parenting likes to be confronted about their childs behaviour in a playground by (I am assuming) a parent they do not know. You do not know if these are reasonable people. Unless you're prepared to enter a (possible) screaming match let the school deal with it.

Longlongsummer · 10/10/2019 00:17

I don’t think it’s useful to make up our minds about what the comment ‘really’ means. It was a nasty threat and those exact words need flagging up to safeguarding teams and to the school who need to take this seriously.

Bullying or abuse is not nipped in the bud by fudging things and saying ‘it’s just banter’ etc ‘he didn’t mean it’.

In the meantime, your poor DS. He will feel exposed and awful. Do whatever it takes to make him feel safe, including keeping him off school and not letting him back until you are satisfied enough has been done. At least he told you, which is good. Imagine if he’d kept that to himself, many do, but he trusts you.

Good luck and follow some of the better advice on this thread.

mathanxiety · 10/10/2019 00:33

Report to social services and then tell the school that you have done that. Tell them you expect your DS to be provided with the utmost in support and you expect them to take the bullying and the problems of the bully seriously.

Demand from them a written plan detailing how they intend to support DS.

Tell them if they seem reluctant to deal with the situation or drag their feet wrt support for DS, and if there is any further threat of any kind from the bully, you will go to the police.

jimmyhill · 10/10/2019 00:37

When I was ten a child in my class threatened to "knock my block off"

My block remains securely attached.

Suck my cock, however phrased, is a similar threat: copied from media or foul-mouthed parents, and impossible to execute.

It is enormously unlikely that this little boy is proposing to literally sexually assault yours.