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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD 4yo called me ugly out of nowhere

38 replies

Fedriteup · 09/10/2019 18:44

Just that. Nearly 5. Washing her in bath. ‘Mum you’re ugly’. Me: Do you know what that means? Not nice to look at?. ‘Yes.’ I know she’s tiny but I’m really upset! Old enough to know what is kind and what isn’t. I never had an opinion on my parents looks that I recall. Feel shite.

OP posts:
RolytheRhino · 09/10/2019 18:46

Don't worry about it, she's probably just experimenting with the word. I doubt you're hideous. I work with kids and have regularly been told I look about sixty (not yet thirty!)

ArizonaRobbins · 09/10/2019 18:47

My nephew is the same age and does this. Makes awful remarks to people. Have you ever actually told her that it’s wrong to make remarks like that? Because I don’t think my nephew has ever been told off for anything in his life.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 18:48

I'd pull my ugliest face to make her laugh. And then it would be, "Ugly mummy's coming for you!" when you put her to bed.

I wonder what prompted her to say that? Could it be something she heard or maybe from some Disney film like Cinderella?

Later, why not ask her what she meant? Could be revealing. 4 is young to be imbibing social norms about female attractiveness!

LookingForAlaskas · 09/10/2019 18:48

Kids are dicks.
I’ve been called fat numerous times by my niece (I’m a size 10).

Teddybear45 · 09/10/2019 18:50

You need to tell her that commenting on someone’s looks is not a nice thing to do, whether they are ugly or beautiful. Tell her every time.

Preggosaurus9 · 09/10/2019 18:55

She probably heard it somewhere and is testing out what sort of reaction it gets. To figure out what the word means and how to use it. I would not read into it.

The conversation to have with her is about what the word means and how it's not nice to say to people because it makes them sad. That's all, no need to make a big deal out of it, it's not personal. She trusts you enough to experiment and try new words around you, that's a positive!

JustMe9 · 09/10/2019 18:57

Are you in fact ugly?

MollyHuaCha · 09/10/2019 19:00

Ignore. She is 4.

Jollitwiglet · 09/10/2019 19:00

I personally find that when young children learn a new word they do like to test it out, so try not to take it personally (easier said than done I know). Children can be pretty brutal with their words

itseasybeingcheesy · 09/10/2019 19:06

Sometimes my 4 year old comments on people's size. I tell her "it's not polite to talk about other people's bodies". Not that it works, she's still liable to tell me I look like I've got a baby in my tummy. Little sod.

Original poster
Fedriteup · 09/10/2019 19:09

@LookingForAlaskas oh you’re totally right thanks for reminding me (and making me smile)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedriteup · 09/10/2019 19:10

You’re all right. They do test things on you - it was so bloody casual though, felt like it was truly meant. You are all what is great and good about mumsnet, thank you

OP posts:
XXYY376 · 09/10/2019 19:11

Is she at school? Could she be echoing something she's heard?

Armadillostoes · 09/10/2019 19:13

OP-if you ask a child "Do you know what XXXX means" they will often answer yes and have no clue! She might not have know what ugly meant when she said it, nor got the idea of it as a permanent rather than temporary state. It could have meant that you were wet or untidy in her mind. Or she could just be saying jerk-like things because kids do. Don't take it personally.

Original poster
Fedriteup · 09/10/2019 19:14

And yes she does get told off when inappropriate. Elder dc seemed to have emotional intelligence from the get go. Not trying to label/shame but DD doesn’t seem to get others feelings. Young I know, all is not lost!

OP posts:
MacavityTheDentistsCat · 09/10/2019 19:16

Once, when DD was about the same age, I remarked outloud into my dressing table mirror that I felt ugly. DD came over, stroked my hand and said in her most comforting voice, 'Mummy, you're not ugly. You're just old.' I obviously felt much better after that. Grin

YouthGoneMild · 09/10/2019 19:20

My 7 year old recently said to me...
“Mummy, I like your dress, you look like a fat flamingo!”
Not the look I was going for Grin

Original poster
Fedriteup · 09/10/2019 19:21

@MacavitytheDentistsCat great attempt at cheering you up though Grin

OP posts:
Mummae21 · 09/10/2019 19:21

My boy says "I love you and your big belly" ALL the time. Basically "mum you're fat" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 dont worry they don't mean it!

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 09/10/2019 19:22

Small children play with words.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 09/10/2019 19:24

@Fedriteup - Yes, absolutely. I laugh every time I think about it.

WildCherryBlossom · 09/10/2019 19:26

I always remember Claire Rayner telling a story about her 4 year old son walking around and around her, eventually asking "Is all of you my Mummy?", to which she replied "Yes."

"What a lot of Mummy I've got!" He said.

My children have all said many horrible and many lovely things to me. My son loves my legs because they are all soft Confused

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 09/10/2019 19:30

"What a lot of Mummy I've got!" He said.

Brilliant. Grin

Mine remarked on my stretch marks with apparent astonishment every time I took them swimming.

apostropheuse · 09/10/2019 19:34

My 4 year old grandson told his mum that I am a very beautiful granny. I seriously am not. I'm almost 60, grey hair, fat and wear glasses. I've got lots going for me.Grin Really, don't give it another thought.

just2comment · 09/10/2019 19:35

My dd who's 4 calls everything ugly including me and once or twice to complete strangers Blush

I tell her it's not nice but I'm not upset by it strangers probably were