To think children should not ALWAYS come first

[FavaBeansAndANiceChianti]

And that it's actually quite detrimental to their future personalities to let them think that they should?

I'm not talking inviting a known sex offender to live in your home kind of situation. But I hate seeing this line trotted out when half of the time I actually think it wouldn't do the children involved any harm to not come first in that particular situation.

Sometimes I read things on here and wonder how entitled and selfish these children must grow up to be.

I've seen people getting the pitchforks out because apparently parents should prioritize abroad holidays if their child has become 'accustomed' to them even if they can't afford it or would rather use the money elsewhere one year.

And I can't even start on the step parenting threads, you see it ALL the time on there, often over things which seem more to do with putting the ex first than the children.

I understand generally that children should come first in terms of needs. However, AIBU to think that people take this far too literally sometimes and it really is fine for other people's wants, needs and desires and feelings to be taken into consideration within the family from time to time?

ChilledBee I'm not saying I would personally exclude them due to their behaviour, I was just responding to your comment on why a NRP wouldn't file for full custody if they didn't approve of the way the child was raised to say that it is rarely as extreme as that, it can just be a byproduct of having two different parents with different rules and expectations.

But it does stand to reason that a child who was quite mature and self sufficient, and comfortable being unsupervised for large chunks of time would be more manageable straight after a complicated birth than a child who wasn't capable of any of that. If you reach the child reaches a certain age and is still not able to do those things, it surely becomes reasonable to stop putting your plans to have another on hold even if it means arranging alternative childcare for the older child for a few days. I can see the logic.

I get what you're saying. If, for example there is only enough money for the kids to have one hobby each I think this help with their development and enrichment should come before things their parents want. If, for example there is money in the pot for more hobbies I think the parents should also factor in time and money for a hobby each before considering two hobbies for the children and none for the parents. It's good for kids to understand that while their needs/wants/development are important, so are others. Great to get them lovely presents for Christmas but not to teach them that the whole Christmas budget is about them. The main present for them is definitely a priority ...but something nice for grandma is also important and has to be factored into the budget.

Just do as you please - my children always come first. Each to their own.

What @FriedasCarLoad said.

I put my dd first, but by that I mean that I take into account what is good for her in the long term. I don't give her everything she wants, and I don't let her get out of things that she should do. I'm quite tough on her in some ways, but she is always at the forefront of my mind. Same for my DH too.

Good thread OP. We were talking about similar at work. It’s not just the big things though, it’s all the small interactions that reinforce to a child they’re the priority.

The one i see ALL the time is people allowing their children to interrupt adult conversations!

Children always do come first though.

When they need to come first and when parents choose to put them first.

Doing the right thing for your child is putting them first.
disciplining and socialising them is putting them first.

So unless your kids are feral and/or neglected, then they are always coming first.

Agree and think a good example of this is a friend who is running herself ragged and struggling to fund her 2 children’s various hobbies/lessons etc. I get that it’s nice to to that for your kids but if you can’t afford swimming and football and music, then one needs to be dropped, they’re not detrimental to the child’s upbringing.

A child’s needs should ALWAYS come first- they depend on us. When you show a child you are selfless to their needs, they learn and treat others in the same manner. I was raised this way and I raise my children this way. I moved away when I was 18 went to a trade school to pay for my uni time went on to get my masters all on my own and live my life in a way that gives as much back to others as I can.
Look into attachment style parenting especially in the first 2/3 years of life it is very important. I have my degree in early childhood development and child psychology and my university time as well as being in the child care filed for a decade has solidified my thoughts.

must be so nice to be perfect crazywelshgirl.

Dad was away a lot with work and mum left on her own to bring up daughter. Now of course he can right all the wrongs.
You obviously expected the BM to have her more during the holidays whilst you were down to one income.

Your comments are nasty, supercilious and condescending - must be nice to be so perfect and have such an advanced child.

Wants however need to be prioritized by importance and affect on the family as a unit to make sure all members feel important and wanted.
I see many examples of sports teams giving into deserts etc this is not attachment parenting. This is being a push over parent that chooses to not teach their children and instead gives into every whim despite the impact on the family unit.

It depends, doesn't it?

Shortage of food - children come first.

Shortage of comfy chairs to sit and watch the telly - adults get the chairs and children sit on the floor (or a lap if they'e small enough obvs).

@Aunaturalmama Would you mind sharing what evidence for attachment parenting you learnt about in your degree?

As I learnt it, attachment is important but that just means having a responsive, “good enough” primary carer. The trappings of “attachment parenting”- babywearing, cosleeping etc- are a fine personal choice but not at all necessary for attachment?

@Settlersofcatan
I agree with you, wants and needs greatly vary depending on that personals values.

I think having a parent at home is majorly dependent on the child. My first born wouldn’t eat or sleep while I was away..since I was able to stay home, I did. My second child was completely different and carried on just fine without me while I worked, so I did.

Children should always come first, if you don’t think that then you shouldn’t have children.

Needs are a priority, wants are not. My d's needs new school shoes the others have holes in, he wants an xbox his friend has one 'it's not faaaaaair'

I’m new to here, can we PM? I have loads of resources from my years in school. It would slow up the thread to share here!

But yes you are correct, you do not NEED to cosleep and baby wear, but comforting touch when needed is important. I personally bed shared with my first as his need level was very high, and did not with my second as he had much lower needs. Both are raised in attachment. Attachment parenting pushes open communication, and responsiveness. You do not have to drop everything the moment your child needs you, but you do have to communicate why you might be taking time to respond, and then respond when you are able. It in no way is letting your children do every activity when it means the family unit would suffer.
Attachment parenting is proven to create a more independent child. I’m not sure why everybody thinks it means giving into every wish and raising entitled/selfish children.

I was always put first as a child and my parents sacrificed alot for us to give us a childhood full of good memories. But my husband was always told his dad was far more important then him. My DH and SIL were loved and cared for but his mum ALWAYS put his dad first so they were in their rooms by 6pm even as teenagers and not allowed to encroach on their parents evenings. They were never taken anywhere remotely child like ie a park or cinema. It has affected my DH as he thinks the kids do too much (ie cubs, swimming) they should be happy with a coloring book.

crikey...why not just say that you will help her make toast in 15mins once you've finished feeding and teach patience, or check before you leave the house she was dressed ready to leave rather than refer to her as an incapable child. She's 7 fgs

It’s always a little hard not to let parents wants interfere with a child’s needs. I know quite a few friends who were very into attachment parenting and breastfed for ages. Whilst some of this looked very beneficial, some of this seemed to be for their own need to be, very needed I guess.

Saying that I agree it’s looking, really looking at a child’s needs and these can vary. My younger Sen child has huge, huge needs. I feel my own needs are definitely way down the line, however weighing it up, my child’s needs are so important and at such a critical time, his young years that could matter so much later, that I do feel most of me, even my need for a life, a job, lack of stress - I can’t have these.

That is such a non specific OP, OP ad to be pointless.

It is all in the detail.

There is a world of difference between the provision of a foreign holiday and some of the shit I see where CLEARLY children have not been put first to their serious detriment as mothers move across country to be with new man, Dad will do anything to appease new partner etc etc.

I have always put my children first and will continue to do so,they are not spoilt or ungrateful. I was brought up by a mother who is a narcissist and a father who enabled her, that sort of childhood will make you want to be the complete opposite.

Nope in my home I come before the kids.

Happy mum equals happy kids.

I love being a mum and I fill up our house with laughter and education and millions of kids and their parents. I do the shopping for food online and all of the kids in the village cook and tidy up and load the dishwasher. If they can't cook I teach them.

I don't allow any tech gadgets ..
Just a garden full of fun in the summer
Board games and card games in the winter

I teach my kids and the other kids how to play any games and then they prefer to play with their own age group while I curl up with a book which makes me happy

My kids always went to sleep for 12 hours and that was mum time after wards
Not cleaning or house work ... just reading or watching TV

I turned house work into a fun game for my kids and they can run a home from laundry to loos to first aid

Because I taught the kids how to run any home and cook it freed up my time for relaxing and sleeping which meant I had bundles of energy to be a happy mum.
It also taught them solid skills for life all delivered by fun and laughter.

My children always come first. They are the centre of our world and very happy, confident children. My only worry is that they are quite spoilt but I do tell them when they are acting spoilt and try to make them appreciate what they have in life. I think that’s my fault though not theirs. They are good people and I hope they will not be too shocked in the big wide world when the time comes!!

... my children also cook and clean but only when they want to. They quite like it. Don’t know where they get it from!!! Not me!!