To be angry with DP to not visit when I'm sick?

[Trailblazer66]

To be upset that DP hasn't come to visit me while I'm ill?

This is a long story, please bear with me. Also please be nice. I'll admit I'm an over emotional mess at the moment, in a lot of pain and not sleeping, not a good combination. Also worried that I'm being horrible and selfish.

DP and I live 2hrs apart but spend several days a week together and have been making plans to move in together. I spend weekends at his and he does 1/2 nights a week here as I'm a single mum with 2 kids. He's great with the kids and a very supportive partner. We've never had any issues, until now....

A few weeks ago we both ended up in different hospitals 2hrs apart with suspected meningitis which was incredibly frightening and stressful.

My hospital did a lumbar puncture and diagnosed me with viral meningitis but kept me in for a few days as I was so unwell, also had signs of a tiny bleed on my brain. They also have unfortunately hurt me during the LP and I've been left in quite a state and needing on/off hospital treatment since. I'm in agony and struggling but trying to take it in my stride.

DP's hospital messed up his lumbar puncture and didn't get any fluid and then refused to try again. They discharged him but insisted he went into hospital twice a day for 2 weeks for IV antibiotics just in case he'd had bacterial meningitis. He was beside himself with worry over me and just went along with it so he could get to me asap.

Literally the moment he was discharged he drove all the way to me in my hospital and they agreed to discharg me as my repeat CT and MRI were clear. Then we arranged to have his care switched there. My hospital booked him for a specialist lumbar puncture and successfully diagnosed him as not having bacterial meningitis so stopped his antibiotics.

In between all this DP developed C Diff and became very unwell and ended up back in hospital but only for a few hours. He was rather horrible and difficult to me and hospital staff but in fairness he was unwell and a bit shellshocked I think. I brushed his behaviour under the carpet but did have 24hrs of being shouted at and having to help him with toileting etc as he was so ill when I wasn't very well myself. I don't mind as I love him and that's what you do, I'm my opinion when someone is sick. He later apologised and I said it was all ok. He joked that he didn't want any hospital stories told on "our wedding day".

We'd arranged for my children to stay away for a while until we knew he was no longer contagious but had them home for a few days. The kids were a bit more unsettled than usual, understandably as I'd been in hospital. During this time I could see DP seemed to be struggling a bit but he said he was fine. The boys went back to their dads and DP's parents offered to pay for a hotel for us for a few nights so we could get away for a few days.

We had 2 lovely days in Snowdonia. The day after we came home DP seemed withdrawn but again said everything was ok.

The next day I started feeling extremely unwell and decided to go home and visit my local A&E. DP had a check up at his doctors the next day so we agreed I'd go home alone for now and he'd come later in the week. I ended up back in hospital vomiting blood due to a stomach ulcer caused by the antiinflammatories I'm on. They also said they think I might have nerve damage in my back.

DP meanwhile was given a clean bill of health by his doctor but the Dr extended his sick note by another week just to be safe.

I've since come home from the hospital and am really struggling with very little support and now have my 2 children at home. The stomach ulcer is making me very sick and my back is killing me. They've given me strong painkillers but I can't easily take them when the kids are awake because they make me very dopey. I'm not able to sleep and just want to cry all the time. I've been back to my GP today and he's given me some light sleeping tablets but again I'm a bit anxious about taking them when I have the kids. At the moment I can't even walk my children to school or take them to the park and I feel like a failure as a mother. I'm starting physical therapy next week which should help. I'm trying to be strong but I'm very scared that I might never get better and I feel very lonely. Most of my friends work etc.

I was very overemotional and had a small argument on Monday and DP where admitted he felt "overwhelmed" by the kids. I said I understood and gave him the opportunity to walk away from the relationship which and he was adamant that he doesn't want to break up. He said that he wants to be with me "more than anything" and that he wants to make it work. He "adores" the kids and "if I'm going to do this with any kids then it's going to be yours." He's just not used to having kids because he's always lived on his own and just needs time to learn to adapt and he was already very overwhelmed with everything else that had happened. Ok fair enough. I totally understand that. We made a plan of how we were going to move forward but he didn't mention when he'd next come to stay and I didn't want to push him. We texted back and forth yesterday and spoke on the phone. He seemed concerned about me but at no point mentioned coming to stay.

I'm starting to feel a bit hurt that he's having a whole week off work and hasn't made any effort to come and see me and that he hasn't even offered. I understand he's feeling overwhelmed by the kids but I don't think one day is a lot to ask when I've been in hospital and am now really unwell at home. But at the same time I can't work out if I'm being over emotional and unreasonable?

So today I texted him asking him if he's planning on staying here this week at all so I knew where I stood and he's replied saying this:

"Yeah possibly babe, I haven't thought about a possible day or anything yet though. How come? How are you feeling today? xx"

This really confused me because he is saying possibly but hasn't even thought about a day. It's already Wednesday so, unless he comes tomorrow, there is no point him coming as I always go to his on Friday. The fact he's admitting he hasn't thought about a possible day really hurts me too. I just think if he really cared he'd make the effort to be here at some point this week or that he'd have thought about it. I understand might need time to himself after everything but to not even visit for a day seems unreasonable to me.

I have absolutely no idea how to respond to him so I haven't replied for the time being as my head is a mess and I don't want to say something unreasonable. In fairness he's an amazing partner and this is the only time he's upset me, maybe I'm being too needy?

What do you think? Am I entitled to be a bit hurt or am I being horrible? How would you respond?

Me and dp live 35 minutes away, I have 2 dc, he none, I’ve several health conditions, we split out time between each other’s homes and I am unwell at the moment.

I’ve told dp not come to come tonight admit I don’t feel great at all. Also started new meds today. In the past he’s felt that I’m ‘pushing him away’ when I say don’t come. In reality, it’s that I want to be his ‘partner, girlfriend’, I don’t want want him to reach a point when he’s always here when I’m not well, and he starts seeing himself as my carer. I know he doesn’t because he’s told me off for thinking that way. But that’s my fear.

So maybe there is possibly thought like this going around his head?

Your dc’s dad really needs to be taking over the childcare whilst you recover, keeping them with you when you are struggling, if you do have that support, is pointless.

I’m sorry though, you’ve both seem to have had a really rough time lately. I hope you make a speedy recovery.

You’ve both had a shit time, you both need time to recover. He is ill, he shouldn’t be driving two hours to look after someone elses children.

I know it’s horrible when we’re ill and we have to look after our children, but we shouldn’t punish others even though we do feel crap.

I think you're being unreasonabl, though you're probably not yourself. You have both been very seriously ill. He's not on holiday, FFS. He's signed off sick. And yet you want him to undertake a four hour round trip to give you a cuddle. Daft.

Neither of you will be back to normal for weeks. Let your poor DP recuperate at home while you do the same.

Looking after your own children compared to looking after someone else's is a very different experience. You don't fully know what their boundaries are, especially when they are 'unsettled' and you don't make the rules. You can't offer comfort in the same way.

Regardless of what your children want, it seems to be in their best interests for them to be with their dad for a short while so you can take the medication that has been prescribed for you. You are more likely to be feeling better quicker with adequate rest. It's not really up to them what happens. They can keep in touch with you on facetime and that you're ok, just tired.

This is a man that's discussing marrying me so I don't think it's wrong of me to expect him to act like a husband

I agree with you OP.

But do remember that he has no idea - none at all - of the sheer hard work involved in bringing up children.

I think if he was capable of going out with his friends etc. he could have made more of an effort to see you.

I would be very, very hurt and disappointed by his behaviour myself.

For a light new relationship I'd expect him to stay well away, resting as you e both been ill.
But if it's serious and you're looking at moving in and marriage, and he's been off out with his friends then no, he's not pulling his weight.
Does he view the relationship in th same way you do?
Have the children frightened him off?

Tbh I wouldn't be going to his this weekend if he couldn't be arsed coming to yours this week.

I think you need a fresh start from tomorrow.

Put the kids to bed, take the painkillers and sleeping tabs and go to bed yourself. A decent nights sleep will do you the power of good - it’s quite clear from your posts that you’re feeling very sorry for yourself and it’s clouding your views quite significantly. I’m not saying that like it’s bad by the way, you’ve been seriously ill!

Allow yourself time to heal; but allow him that too. It’s not fair to be competitively ill with one another; I think you have to admit that it’s likely that only now he’s having some down time is he really resting up.

Cut yourself, and him, some slack. Ask a family friend or someone if they’d mind cooking some good food for you all, or order some decent ready meals in so you don’t have to cook. Let the housework slide. Rope in the kids to look after you and have lots of snuggles.

Hope you feel better soon

You've both been really, really ill. YANBU to want him there but he is also NBU to take this time to recuperate fully. It's a situation where your needs are different at the minute because of illness. That's all.

I think you're taking it to heart because you're feeling so awful and things do seem worse then. Nobody is saying you're horrible; just that your expectations aren't realistic at the moment.

I would seriously reconsider your plans to drive to his house this weekend, OP.

You're still very unwell, in pain, and have not slept properly for some time.

I don't think it would be sensible to drive. You might cause an accident and it will be a great strain, too.

When both of you are fully recovered you need to discuss everything with your partner and find out what his intentions really are. You can also tell him your expectations. He doesn't have to agree, of course, but at least you can clear the air.

I think when you've had a good sleep you'll see things with more perspective. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel as you do but you're utterly exhausted at the moment. Let your body and mind recover and repair themselves and then talk to your fiancé.

Sorry you've had such a bad time recently. I doubt if reading some of the responses on this thread has made you feel any better, either.