To be angry with DP to not visit when I'm sick?

[Trailblazer66]

To be upset that DP hasn't come to visit me while I'm ill?

This is a long story, please bear with me. Also please be nice. I'll admit I'm an over emotional mess at the moment, in a lot of pain and not sleeping, not a good combination. Also worried that I'm being horrible and selfish.

DP and I live 2hrs apart but spend several days a week together and have been making plans to move in together. I spend weekends at his and he does 1/2 nights a week here as I'm a single mum with 2 kids. He's great with the kids and a very supportive partner. We've never had any issues, until now....

A few weeks ago we both ended up in different hospitals 2hrs apart with suspected meningitis which was incredibly frightening and stressful.

My hospital did a lumbar puncture and diagnosed me with viral meningitis but kept me in for a few days as I was so unwell, also had signs of a tiny bleed on my brain. They also have unfortunately hurt me during the LP and I've been left in quite a state and needing on/off hospital treatment since. I'm in agony and struggling but trying to take it in my stride.

DP's hospital messed up his lumbar puncture and didn't get any fluid and then refused to try again. They discharged him but insisted he went into hospital twice a day for 2 weeks for IV antibiotics just in case he'd had bacterial meningitis. He was beside himself with worry over me and just went along with it so he could get to me asap.

Literally the moment he was discharged he drove all the way to me in my hospital and they agreed to discharg me as my repeat CT and MRI were clear. Then we arranged to have his care switched there. My hospital booked him for a specialist lumbar puncture and successfully diagnosed him as not having bacterial meningitis so stopped his antibiotics.

In between all this DP developed C Diff and became very unwell and ended up back in hospital but only for a few hours. He was rather horrible and difficult to me and hospital staff but in fairness he was unwell and a bit shellshocked I think. I brushed his behaviour under the carpet but did have 24hrs of being shouted at and having to help him with toileting etc as he was so ill when I wasn't very well myself. I don't mind as I love him and that's what you do, I'm my opinion when someone is sick. He later apologised and I said it was all ok. He joked that he didn't want any hospital stories told on "our wedding day".

We'd arranged for my children to stay away for a while until we knew he was no longer contagious but had them home for a few days. The kids were a bit more unsettled than usual, understandably as I'd been in hospital. During this time I could see DP seemed to be struggling a bit but he said he was fine. The boys went back to their dads and DP's parents offered to pay for a hotel for us for a few nights so we could get away for a few days.

We had 2 lovely days in Snowdonia. The day after we came home DP seemed withdrawn but again said everything was ok.

The next day I started feeling extremely unwell and decided to go home and visit my local A&E. DP had a check up at his doctors the next day so we agreed I'd go home alone for now and he'd come later in the week. I ended up back in hospital vomiting blood due to a stomach ulcer caused by the antiinflammatories I'm on. They also said they think I might have nerve damage in my back.

DP meanwhile was given a clean bill of health by his doctor but the Dr extended his sick note by another week just to be safe.

I've since come home from the hospital and am really struggling with very little support and now have my 2 children at home. The stomach ulcer is making me very sick and my back is killing me. They've given me strong painkillers but I can't easily take them when the kids are awake because they make me very dopey. I'm not able to sleep and just want to cry all the time. I've been back to my GP today and he's given me some light sleeping tablets but again I'm a bit anxious about taking them when I have the kids. At the moment I can't even walk my children to school or take them to the park and I feel like a failure as a mother. I'm starting physical therapy next week which should help. I'm trying to be strong but I'm very scared that I might never get better and I feel very lonely. Most of my friends work etc.

I was very overemotional and had a small argument on Monday and DP where admitted he felt "overwhelmed" by the kids. I said I understood and gave him the opportunity to walk away from the relationship which and he was adamant that he doesn't want to break up. He said that he wants to be with me "more than anything" and that he wants to make it work. He "adores" the kids and "if I'm going to do this with any kids then it's going to be yours." He's just not used to having kids because he's always lived on his own and just needs time to learn to adapt and he was already very overwhelmed with everything else that had happened. Ok fair enough. I totally understand that. We made a plan of how we were going to move forward but he didn't mention when he'd next come to stay and I didn't want to push him. We texted back and forth yesterday and spoke on the phone. He seemed concerned about me but at no point mentioned coming to stay.

I'm starting to feel a bit hurt that he's having a whole week off work and hasn't made any effort to come and see me and that he hasn't even offered. I understand he's feeling overwhelmed by the kids but I don't think one day is a lot to ask when I've been in hospital and am now really unwell at home. But at the same time I can't work out if I'm being over emotional and unreasonable?

So today I texted him asking him if he's planning on staying here this week at all so I knew where I stood and he's replied saying this:

"Yeah possibly babe, I haven't thought about a possible day or anything yet though. How come? How are you feeling today? xx"

This really confused me because he is saying possibly but hasn't even thought about a day. It's already Wednesday so, unless he comes tomorrow, there is no point him coming as I always go to his on Friday. The fact he's admitting he hasn't thought about a possible day really hurts me too. I just think if he really cared he'd make the effort to be here at some point this week or that he'd have thought about it. I understand might need time to himself after everything but to not even visit for a day seems unreasonable to me.

I have absolutely no idea how to respond to him so I haven't replied for the time being as my head is a mess and I don't want to say something unreasonable. In fairness he's an amazing partner and this is the only time he's upset me, maybe I'm being too needy?

What do you think? Am I entitled to be a bit hurt or am I being horrible? How would you respond?

How long have you been together ?

Sorry but if you can’t care for your children they should be with their father and not burdened on you ill boyfriend.
I get your sick, but so has he been too

Maybe it's because he suspects you won't be up for sex so thinks it's not worth the journey? He wouldn't be the first man who thought along those lines unfortunately.

Maybe he doesn't want to visit knowing you're unwell? Maybe he wants to let you rest and get better?

Please don't paint him as the bad guy - this is one disadvantage of long-distance relationships. You can't expect someone to hop in the car and drive four hours in total just to give you a hug. I mean, it would be nice if he did, but it's not unreasonable that he doesn't want to.

Maybe he thinks it would be better if he stayed away and let you recover/see your children in peace.

Yes you are being selfish.

You were also well enough to do those things and now you are sick again. Serious illnesses take a long time to get over.

Just feels like he's well enough to do everything apart from see me

It's a four hour round trip. I wouldn't want to do that on one day to give somoene a cuddle when I'm 100% well, never mind recovering from a serious illness.

Going out with friends locally is not the same.

You are being needy becuase you need someone, I understand that. But your kids' father needs to look after them and you need to stop being a martyr over the kids. Why do they have to come first when you've been so ill? YOU should come first. Assuming their dad loves them and looks after them well, how is it a bad thing for them to spend extra time with him?

And maybe your DP can't cope with the kids at the moment while he is recovering. Yes they are at school but 3pm comes round very quickly.

He is probably putting himself first. You need to do the same.

I understand how you feel. He isn't ill enough to stop him doing all the fun stuff. Why doesn't he want to spend time with you.

But from his point of view, he's been very ill. His doc still thinks him not yet fit enough to work. He's rebuilding his strength, socialising, etc. But that's not the same as driving for 2 hours each way to be a hands-on surrogate parent to 2 DC who are a bit 'unsettled'. They may be at school during the day, but maybe he thinks you'd be hoping for him to do the other stuff - cooking, school runs, bedtime etc. Particularly if you'd take the opportunity to take the sleeping tablets or pain killers.

Have you told him you're struggling and that you could do with some TLC?

Just feels like he's well enough to do everything apart from see me.

But going out with your mate isn't the same as driving two hours see your girlfriend who is unwell and has two young children at home. Surly you can see that?

Gosh OP, you've really been through the mill. I hope you're feeling somewhat more human now. Your loor bloke's just got over a very serious illness, and whilst this shouldn't diminish your illness, it's a long drive for a cuddle. Having said that, I know if I was in your position, DH and I wouldn't hesitate to make the journey for each other. Is the relationship secure in other respects?

As others have said, he is still recovering , you seem to want to think about your needs but I don't see you thinking about his needs at all.
Your kids are yours and their DF responsibility. If you are unable to look after them properly then pack to him and ask for a few days to recover. If you are able to look after them , then stop moaning and let him recover the way he feels he needs to. You sound needy and manipulative and I would be careful that he doesn't notice it too.

You don’t sound well enough to travel to his place for the weekend. Why not ask him if he’d like to come to you?

The rest is all a big, ugly mess that was awful for both of you. Children do make illnesses so much worse and he isn’t used to that. He’s giving himself a breather which might well seen hurtful to you but maybe just feels necessary to him.

I hope you both feel better soon.

Nearly everyone has said they understand your DP's actions and would probably do the same, isn't that enough to make you question your reaction and ask yourself if it's an irrational one because you've been very poorly and exhausted and so are reacting differently than you would normally?

I really feel for you, sounds like you've had a horrible time lately, but I think the way you're thinking of your DP and talking about how you think he feels is out of proportion.

You both have dealt with a lot of stuff. He's not being selfish to want time to himself. If you are overwhelmed with the kids then their father needs to take them.

You've both been through the mill health wise and are both recovering. I think it is unfair to expect him to come and help you and look after your children when he is still recovering himself. You're still a little delicate. I'd say he is too. Would you be up to travelling to him, looking after him while he recuperates and taking care of his children (if he had them!)? Probably not. Just because he's up and about and doing things doesn't mean he's 100%. And doesn't mean he's not tired or drained somedays.

You are being unreasonable. But you've been ill and need a little time and want TLC. Problem is, he's also been unwell and needs a bit of recovery time and a little TLC.

Bad timing that both of you were ill. But nobody is at fault. Your kids' dad should be stepping up more. Not your partner who lives 2 hours away and has been seriously sick himself.

You’ve obviously had an appalling time, OP, and are genuinely asking if you’re perspective is off, so I think it’s a real shame some people, such as Phoebesgift are being plain nasty. There’s no need.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but when are the kids usually at their dad’s? I do agree with pp who said let their dad take care of them while you have a proper rest and recuperate. Look again at any relationship issues after you’ve been able to take the drugs, had some proper sleep and the pain is hopefully under control.

So today I texted him asking him if he's planning on staying here this week

But that's not the same as asking him to come over. He may be thoughtless, he may be feeling rougher than you realise, he may not appreciate just how much of a bad time you're having, who knows, but until you tell him outright that you want him to be there, nobody can tell. If you asked him and he said no, then it would be time to re-evaluate the relationship

I wouldn't expect him to come here if I didn't think he was well enough but he did manage a 6hr round trip to Snowdonia, plus loads of walking and driving in between so I guess I thought he must be ok.

I don't expect him to him to look after the kids, I look after them when he's here and I can manage to look after them now. They're very independent. Both their dads work and DS1 has huge anxiety issues. It looks like I'm going to need surgery at some point and the kids will be disrupted again then. I'm just upset that I can't do more with them at the moment but they're being amazing.

I think he's right to take the time to rest up and get well before he has to go back to work.

If the roles were swapped I'd be there in a heartbeat to support him

I think you're confusing him not wanting to see you with him not wanting to come and look after the kids tbh, which is making you feel unloved. If I were in his position I would he wanting to give you a cuddle but I would also (crucially) be wanting to relax after such a trying time and the wording of your post sounds very much like you would be expecting him to take over the burden of looking after the kids. I do think it's fair enough for him to not feel up to that. He's openly told you he's feeling overwhelmed by them so I think you have your answer, really.

I think you might find his response would be different if the kids were staying with their dad while you recover. He's the person that should really be helping you out with the kids.

As a pp pointed out, you also did the Snowdonia trip.

Please take on board the points people are raising instead of constantly defending your view... because surely that’s what you’re asking for On AIBU? Other people’s opinions?

But say you had you're kids ? When the roles had swapped ?

You seem to care more about this man then your kids?

You poor thing, you’ve really been through the mill. I do understand that you are feeling down and neglected but in all honesty I think that you need to try and take a step back and just concentrate on getting better.
You have both been through such an awful time and it will take even longer to both feel 100%. If your partner is normally supportive then I think you need to give him some slack and hopefully this will just be a blip in your relationship. Just try and concentrate on your children and getting better and soon things will be back to normal. 💐

Surely your DC isn't anxious with his own father? Ok, they work. So do mothers and guess what? Sometimes they have to take time off for their children. Let your children's fathers pick up the slack if you are struggling.