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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas Day

70 replies

Blossie0 · 09/10/2019 15:35

DH parents have both split and have remarried. My parents are also divorced and I only have contact with my mum (also remarried).

This Christmas is extra special as we have bought our own house and have a baby so we are hosting. We are inviting my parents spent last year with his mother.

DH seems to think that the pattern should go: one year my parents, next year his mum, next year his dad for who we spend xmas day with.

I think that's unfair as that's two years spent with his family on the trot. I think it should go my family then his dad then my family then his mum (alternate family each year).

We can't host everyone as we don't have the space and his parents are civil but hate each other and wouldn't enjoy themselves. They are also heavy drinkers which conflicts with my family who like to play games and take it a bit more slowly. It's also not about popping in to see one in the morning and then another in the eve this is about spending the bulk of the day and xmas dinner with one set.

For context my parents live 5 hours away and both of his 5 mins away. Basically we see his family quite a lot whilst I desperately miss my mum and she misses out on seeing her grandchild as much. Also we really love Christmas whereas my DH family would be happy with a Chinese and all day drinking sesh.

Is it fairer to alternate the years : my family then his family or should it be seeing my family once every third year?

Who is being unreasonable me or DH?

OP posts:

AllFourOfThem · 09/10/2019 17:29

Wouldn’t you like to have a peaceful Christmas without any of them?

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/10/2019 17:37

I think it is only fair to have one side yours and one side his at Christmas. Maybe you could open up Easter and other holidays too?
I would say you are talking about three year cycles and anything could happen in that time.

Reallynowdear · 09/10/2019 17:41

He is being unreasonable.

Redglitter · 09/10/2019 17:44

Why does everything have to be geared round Christmas Day? My brother and I both work shifts so my Mum doesnt her to see her grandchildren every Christmas Day. It depends on shifts. It used to be stressful til my Brother pointed out the important thing is Christmas TIME not Christmas Day.

We might not get together on the 25th but to be honest if it's a day or so later its every bit as nice. It doesn't lose anything because it's the 26/27 or 28th.

It's far less stressful than tying ourselves in knots on one day

OldEvilOwl · 09/10/2019 17:47

He is being U. His parents get to see the children a lot more often as they are nearby. Can you invite your mum every year, and alternate with his parents? Might be a squash but his parents don't need to stay the night of they are so close. Either way he is BU

LOALM · 09/10/2019 17:53

I feel your pain. We have a situation that is similar in many ways. We tried an alternating pattern but it became a real pain in the arse, especially as things can (and do) crop up last minute forcing a change in plans. We now do each year according to whatever suits most. Some years we've had to fit seeing everyone in to one day, and some years we actually just spend it by ourselves. Both are equally fun! We always make sure we get at decent chunk of time over the Christmas period/week with each part of the family, so there are no politics (or less politics, anyway), and the extended Christmas is much less rushed, less pressured and just a really lovely thing to do... DS gets to spend more quality time with his family, and we get more roast dinners and festive fare in general!

Is trying to establish something that flexible and extending Christmas from having to all be on one day a possibility?

bridgetreilly · 09/10/2019 18:19

If his are both nearby, then when it's 'his turn' you see one on Christmas Day and the other on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Yours every other year.

Original poster

Blossie0 · 09/10/2019 18:49

I should have added I have a sibling who I am very close to who will also be staying plus their DP (no kids of their own yet). They travel up together - mum and sibling come as a set as far as I'm concerned. If me and sibling split it so my mum never had to be childless at xmas I'd never get to see sibling!

DH also has sibling but not very close, so his parents will always have someone to visit during the day.

FIL is very easy going and would never cause an argument about xmas day but I know it's important to both sets of mums. I can't really have both mums as they become a bit competitive trying to out-grandparent each other (neither realise they are doing it) and I don't want to bring it out in them.

Thank you for all your opinions.
We are going to ask FIL to join us for xmas dinner with my mum and I will ask MIL round for an xmas eve tea to try and make everyone happy this year.

I know it all seems a bit trivial but I really love spending Christmas with my family, I miss them throughout the year as it is but know things need to be as fair as possible.

This year is sorted just every xmas for the foreseeable future to worry about

OP posts:

FrangipaniBlue · 09/10/2019 19:03

I would do your family one year his the next, but on his family's year alternate who you see on Christmas Day and who on say Boxing Day?

JenniferM1989 · 09/10/2019 20:05

Do you not want any years just you, your DH and your child?

We do it like this - one year we go to mils, one year we go to my mums then the next year we have it alone at our house. I don't speak to my dad and fil comes round for an hour every Christmas night. On the years that we stay at home or go to my mums, mils comes round in the morning for an hour.

I'm saying mils as in I have two mother in laws. My husbands mum is married to a woman, they've been together for 25 years so they are both my mother in law and they are also both grandmas to my DS. I am very close with them as we live only 3 miles apart where as I live about 8/9 miles across the other side of the city from my own mum. It's purely just because my own mum is only in her 50's and works full time where as both my mils are retired and help out with my DS by looking after him a few hours a week while I work. They also both drive, my mum does not so we chose to live in an area close to mils.

I think it's nice to get a year yourselves though. Even though mils come in the morning and fil comes at night, we still get every 3 years alone to enjoy our dinner and let DS play with his toys to his heart content!

BlueJava · 09/10/2019 21:36

Personally i think you are both BU. Christmas is for being in your own home with your childre - its not about parents!

DeathStare · 09/10/2019 21:43

Can you not invite your mum and sibling up every Christmas (or alternate them being invited up one Christmas and going to them the Christmas after)?

Then (as they live nearby) invite MIL round for part of the day (or Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day) and FIL round for a different part of the day (or Christmas Eve or Boxing Day)?

AthollPlace · 09/10/2019 21:50

Can you have your family to stay and his family drive to visit you for the day then go home? His mum and dad could alternate coming on Xmas Day or Boxing Day. Obviously your house would be packed but it’s only for two days each year.

AdaColeman · 09/10/2019 21:53

I'd be very cautious about setting alternate years, or in fact any long term, Christmas plans in stone, as inevitably they will cause friction if you try to alter them.
What if one of you is too ill to travel one year, who do you go to the next year? The person you missed out or the person whose "turn" it is?

You have a young family, possibly you will have more children. Will you always want to be trekking across the country at Christmas? Or might it be nicer to relax at home with your children?

Try to be flexible and non committal, play it by ear, and allow for changes. Make your own family Christmas traditions, so if your PIL want to go on say a cruise, they don't feel tied to your Christmas plans either.

MsSquiz · 09/10/2019 21:57

As your in laws are local but your mum isn't, why not do:
Year 1 - host your mum
Year 2 - host MIL for lunch, see FIL on Boxing Day
Year 3 - host your mum
Year 4 - host FIL for lunch, see MIL on Boxing Day

Or instead of Boxing Day, invite them round at tea time on Christmas Day?

sauvignonblancplz · 09/10/2019 22:08

Heed the advice ; do not trap yourself into a rotation of anything! Take each year as it comes.
I hate all this controlling behaviour at Christmas .

TriciaH87 · 09/10/2019 22:29

Why not your family then following yeah one of his parents on the day and the other boxing day, then yours, then switch his parents over so Xmas with the parent who had boxing day and boxing day the parent who had Christmas.

WagtailRobin · 09/10/2019 22:44

The simplest and fairest solution is for you to spend the morning with his dad, the afternoon with his mum (one year) and the next year spend it with your mum, there would be nothing to stop his mum calling in for an hour in the afternoon when it's your mum's year.

His parents albeit divorced live closer, your mum is some distance away, don't let anyone make you feel you have to choose, she is your mum and I am not surprised you miss her, you're a first time mum, of course you miss your own mum.

Your mum is as important as his parents, you shouldn't be forced to forego your quality family time in favour of time with his family.

MamaWeasel · 09/10/2019 22:52

Much better to just have christmas on your own, doing your own thing and making traditions, than to entertain this taking of turns..... Imo.

vincettenoir · 10/10/2019 03:21

Alternate years sounds fair to me.

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