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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have a good life but I can't appreciate it, Sahm

47 replies

MomMom26 · 09/10/2019 08:11

HI Mn,

This is really not a boast of any sort, just that its where I am right now and feeling very lost and down and would appreciate some advice.

I grew up in a very toxic, Abusive (mother) home which eventually resulted in DF committing suicide. Very traumatic for me as a child and made even worse to be left with abusive mother. I left home as soon as I could after university, and moved to another city alone and knowing no one. It was a struggle to say the least. I went into a bad relationship, then almost lost my life through a crime incident. I was so traumatized and deeply affected by my childhood that sticking it out in this new city with all the bad was better than going home.

I just suppressed everything so that I could focus on work, because if i couldn't keep my job i would have to go home. Anyway i stayed single, Just ploughed everything in me into work, and slowly it just took off. I Became successful and studied further, finally got myself a tiny place I could call my home.

The best thing then happened was when I met my bf (now dh). He accepted me as I am, taught me unconditional love and has stuck and helped me through all the downs and depressions. I began to heal in so many ways. We decided to move abroad and stayed there for 8years. For the first 5 years we worked, traveled and saved like crazy. The last 3years there I left work. We thought we were going to be returning home as his work was meant to relocate back to home country. It didn't happen for 3 years and we eventually left on our own.

We returned to our home country, and shortly after had my ds. We were now able to buy our dream home, I'm a sahm mum and we have a very good lifestlye. I am now currently 8 years out of employment.
Please this isn't a stealth boast. With such a long period out of work, I have truly lost myself. Its like i fought so hard to survive as a child, and now I feel that life is so extremely different to that I feel that I lost as to what im meant to be doing. I have everything I grew up without - a loving family unit, a home, no financial worries, yet I cant appreciate it.

My dh is willing to help me in any way he can but I dont know how to explain to him what it is that is missing. I told him that I feel so completely useless, and feels like i wasted all that fight in me to just be a sahm of which at least 4 i didnt work without even having a dc.
He has tried to convince me that I'm doing a very important job, and if i feel i need to work again then we can do that too. I just don't know.

To add to this, we lost alot of relationships when we moved back. It seems like moving away and travelling, and then coming back to live comfortably has just brought out such envy/jealousy in people that we lost alot of people as well.

Sorry this has been long, and I'm not sure if I have waffled or even got my issues across. Just feeling very down.

OP posts:

userxx · 09/10/2019 08:16

Can you not go back to work?

CormacMcLaggen · 09/10/2019 08:22

I can empathise, OP, my story is very similar to yours and I was lost for a long time.

The answer for me was to find meaning in my life again, which looks different to everyone. For me, I retrained and now work with survivours of abuse and rape, because I've been through it I find the job so rewarding. I heal by helping heal others.

What do you enjoy? What makes you, 'you'?

user1493413286 · 09/10/2019 08:24

I think I understand how it’s a deeper issue; when you left home it was work that helped you escape and working hard was your coping mechanism when things were hard. It also gave you the self esteem that you didn’t get growing up.
I’d be looking for things to do the same that are outside the home; it doesn’t necessarily have to be a job particularly if it’s going to be tricky going back into the workplace, getting involved in community projects etc can do the same. The main thing is that it needs to be yours and give you the same feelings as working.

CormacMcLaggen · 09/10/2019 08:25

I forgot to add - financially it's not that I need to work, either - but I'd be depressed if I didn't. My hours are very part time and so I have a lucky balance.

You could also consider volunteering, that's how I started finding out what I wanted to do :) volunteering gives you great purpose and self esteem.

Teddybear45 · 09/10/2019 08:29

Your DH is right, if you feel work will help then go out and apply for jobs. Don’t sit at home wishing you were working - that’s how the resentment builds up.

HeddaGarbled · 09/10/2019 08:30

Being a SAHM isn’t for everyone. I was bored and depressed and lonely being at home all day without adult company. I think you probably do need to get a job.

Original poster

MomMom26 · 09/10/2019 08:43

CormacMcLaggen

The answer for me was to find meaning in my life again, which looks different to everyone. This is so spot on. My dh keeps saying the same to me. I sometimes feel like I dont understand what is the meaning, or if its something that im missing. I do feel bad because surely a great husband and child should make up for everything.

What do you enjoy? What makes you, 'you'? That is something i struggle with. I dont really have anything that I enjoy really.

user14 Yes my coping mechanism was to work because it meant i could survive. And after I left work, It was like all the intense situations in my life just stopped and i dont know what to do after that.

My job/field was intense and stressful with zero flexibility (think banking). And completely not compatible with a small child. I have been out of my field for too long anyway. SO i would need to retrain altogether in something completely different.

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

Original poster

MomMom26 · 09/10/2019 08:45

Teddy - I think its maybe not a job as such that i feel is missing. It is just a sense of purpose.

OP posts:

Aderyn19 · 09/10/2019 08:48

I think that having a job for you equates to freedom and independence. It means that if the worst happens, you are reassured that you have the means to survive and support yourself. It's a security thing. So I think you should look for a job. It doesn't have to be full time if you still want to be at home some of the time.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/10/2019 08:49

You say you kept your childhood 'suppressed' - do you still feel like you're suppressing it? Because that's where to start. Find a good therapist and do the work you need to make peace with your past - everything else will flow from there.

If your DC is 4-ish that's a very typical time for feelings about your past to rear their ugly heads - DC thinking about or starting school, suddenly there's a 'gap' where the past creeps back in... Deal with the feelings and then things like work and career will start to make more sense.

GOODCAT · 09/10/2019 08:53

You need more purpose in life. You got that previously by throwing yourself into work and then your family and that made you heal a little and be happier. What you need next is to find something that gives you a sense of purpose again.

As you have the means you have a wide range of things you can do. In your situation I would consider a portfolio of different roles. You could be a magistrate, politician, help with a local school or uni. or a support group.

You can also try out new experiences and tick them off like a bucket list, but it can be really simple like making something that you haven't before or taking a course.

When you have had a tough times, I have found that nothing really helps with that, it is what it is, and the best way to cope is to move forwards and get some more purpose.

This is purely my experience, but all that trauma is always there, so this may not be the world's best advice!

Original poster

MomMom26 · 09/10/2019 08:57

Lonny - I tried therapy a few times. I finally found someone who was brilliant. She unfortunately moved so I stopped seeing her.
I did uncover that because of my childhood the overriding effect/emotion it had on me is i developed a deep sense of shame.
So me not working is shameful as well. You are right in that working was a security for me.

My dh said to me that being a SAHM is a very important job and why dont i feel that 'job' itself is important enough as it is. Why do i have to feel like doing something else is going to fill that sense of purpose. he has said that if its a job i want then we will do that. But im struggling to explain it, its actually not about that job.

OP posts:

Teacakeandalatte · 09/10/2019 08:59

In your position I would get some counselling to talk about the childhood issues and think about retraining for a career that fits in better with dc.

Jog22 · 09/10/2019 09:01

Seems like you had to do a lot of survival as a child and young person so you didn't have time to develop other facets of your personality. I don't mean you're stunted or anything. I mean leisure and likes and dislikes, hobbies, passions. Maybe you need to immerse yourself in well, yourself to really explore all your possibilities.

BinkyBaa · 09/10/2019 09:04

I think you need a hobby, as cliche as it sounds. I see you dont really have anything you enjoy at the moment, so what do you think is interesting when you see other people do it? What's something you admire about others? It's all too easy to say "that's them and not me" but wheres the harm in trying it out?

fedup21 · 09/10/2019 09:06

My dh said to me that being a SAHM is a very important job

It is. Though, how old is your child now? Are they at or will they be starting school soon? It sounds like you are bored and want some direction for your future-start researching what jobs you could do with your skills. Or what sort of training you could do?

If you’re financially secure enough that you don’t need to rush into any old job-that’s a real plus.

ObbyDo · 09/10/2019 09:08

If you don't need the money, how about volunteering for a charity? Perhaps study for qualifications that would help you to work in a social organisation which would give you a personal purpose whilst giving something back and helping others.

maddening · 09/10/2019 09:10

Perhaps go on some taster courses, and see what you would like best and follow it through so you are fully qualified in it?

CormacMcLaggen · 09/10/2019 09:12

I really feel for you, OP. You're not wrong to feel the way you feel, there's nothing wrong with you; you've been through a great deal of trauma and sadly that effects us in lots of ways.

I think firstly you deserve to feel better and that may start with self-compassion. I also had a deep sense of shame that was really a core part of me, and I know 'self-compassion' is a rather vomit-inducing phrase, but it's vital.

There's a series of TedTalks by Brene Brown (just Google her name) you might find insightful, and I'd highly recommend this book: The Compassionate Mind Approach to Recovering from Trauma: Using Compassion Focused Therapy
Book by Deborah Lee and Sophie James.

You WILL find you again, you will discover your meaning and sense of purpose; you've been such a resillient person it's inspiring you're still looking to improve your life.

Take your time, be kind to yourself and take small steps.

Original poster

MomMom26 · 09/10/2019 09:14

Jog - Yes i didnt have the time to be a child or enjoy anything. In fact I cant think of a single thing/ memory of being happy. Almost as though I dont know how to/ what it means.

I think you need a hobby, as cliche as it sounds. I see you dont really have anything you enjoy at the moment, so what do you think is interesting when you see other people do it? - its pathetic that I cant even think of a hobby.

My ds is almost 4 now. How would I even know where to re-start? Are there people who help you figure it out ? Yes financially we are fine to take risks/ try things out. Have just backed myself into a corner because i didnt really need to find something to do

OP posts:

GrumpiestCat · 09/10/2019 09:22

Get a university or college prospectus and have a flick with a cup of tea. You never know what might pop out. Hairdressing... plumbing... watercolours... car mechanics... archaeology...

Why not set yourself a challenge to give one new thing a try each month. you don't have to find the most amazing fulfilling new hobby - just stretch yourself mentally a bit, and see what's out there.

It sounds like you've had a chance to heal but you're not used to having time to think about anything other than what absolutely has to be done right now. Meditation might help too. Good luck, you've done ever so well to turn your life around - you deserve to be happy.

GrumpiestCat · 09/10/2019 09:25

Also I'm sure it's been said but volunteering is amazingly rewarding. There's a website do-it.org/ where you can look for all the current volunteering opportunites (that's in the UK, can't remember if that's where you are). Maybe something will ring a bell.

You could perhaps help bereaved children who have lost a parent like you did - although I appreciate that might be a little too much to bear but just a thought.

HeddaGarbled · 09/10/2019 09:27

It’s all very well him saying being a SAHM is an important job, but it’s not him who’s given up his career to do it, is it?

I think you’re feeling, because of your past trauma, there is something wrong with you in feeling that you’ve lost your way whilst being a SAHM. But this is so so normal. Some people love being SAHMs but some don’t and many (including me) feel exactly like you are feeling right now.

PearlsBeforeWine · 09/10/2019 09:27

In the same position.
I can't get a job despite a good degree, postgrad and working for some impressive companies.

I know what you mean OP, I really do and k feel the same.
So. I do continuing education courses, volunteer and spend time working on my fitness. It's just too dull and depressing otherwise.

minesagin37 · 09/10/2019 09:29

I had a similar start to you almost exactly. I do know that I would probably be the same if I didn't work full time. In fact I am almost starting to worry about what I will do when I retire and those feelings will creep in. You most probably do need to go back to work.

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