I have a good life but I can't appreciate it, Sahm

[MomMom26]

HI Mn,

This is really not a boast of any sort, just that its where I am right now and feeling very lost and down and would appreciate some advice.

I grew up in a very toxic, Abusive (mother) home which eventually resulted in DF committing suicide. Very traumatic for me as a child and made even worse to be left with abusive mother. I left home as soon as I could after university, and moved to another city alone and knowing no one. It was a struggle to say the least. I went into a bad relationship, then almost lost my life through a crime incident. I was so traumatized and deeply affected by my childhood that sticking it out in this new city with all the bad was better than going home.

I just suppressed everything so that I could focus on work, because if i couldn't keep my job i would have to go home. Anyway i stayed single, Just ploughed everything in me into work, and slowly it just took off. I Became successful and studied further, finally got myself a tiny place I could call my home.

The best thing then happened was when I met my bf (now dh). He accepted me as I am, taught me unconditional love and has stuck and helped me through all the downs and depressions. I began to heal in so many ways. We decided to move abroad and stayed there for 8years. For the first 5 years we worked, traveled and saved like crazy. The last 3years there I left work. We thought we were going to be returning home as his work was meant to relocate back to home country. It didn't happen for 3 years and we eventually left on our own.

We returned to our home country, and shortly after had my ds. We were now able to buy our dream home, I'm a sahm mum and we have a very good lifestlye. I am now currently 8 years out of employment.
Please this isn't a stealth boast. With such a long period out of work, I have truly lost myself. Its like i fought so hard to survive as a child, and now I feel that life is so extremely different to that I feel that I lost as to what im meant to be doing. I have everything I grew up without - a loving family unit, a home, no financial worries, yet I cant appreciate it.

My dh is willing to help me in any way he can but I dont know how to explain to him what it is that is missing. I told him that I feel so completely useless, and feels like i wasted all that fight in me to just be a sahm of which at least 4 i didnt work without even having a dc.
He has tried to convince me that I'm doing a very important job, and if i feel i need to work again then we can do that too. I just don't know.

To add to this, we lost alot of relationships when we moved back. It seems like moving away and travelling, and then coming back to live comfortably has just brought out such envy/jealousy in people that we lost alot of people as well.

Sorry this has been long, and I'm not sure if I have waffled or even got my issues across. Just feeling very down.

I found volunteering helped me to feel useful when my son started school - I'm now running a small charity (as a volunteer!) Its stimulating, gives me a sense of purpose and I am learning so much.

It's not your husband and child's job to make you happy! It's OK that domestic life and relationships don't fulfil ALL your emotional needs and provide all your happiness. You need additional stimulation and satisfaction, and it's up to you to discover and chase it.

It sounds like you have become used to a life of fighting, struggling, emotional highs and lows. You have lived precariously and this calm, stress free, settled life must seem a little unusual, perhaps dull and empty to you. You need to find something more positive that helps you have similar feelings- something risky which is a personal challenge.. your own business? Something new and a little scary??

Also, I'm no expert but I don't think you have ever properly processed your traumatic past. Posters on MN are always saying 'Get counselling' as if it's something easy to do... however, counselling would really help you see the link between your past and your present, and give you guidance on how to create your future.

Also I'm sure it's been said but volunteering is amazingly rewarding.

It can also give you an idea of what you might want to do for your next career.

I don’t believe a wonderful husband and child can make up for everything, although very helpful. It’s what’s inside us which drives us, the tapes playing in our heads. Yes to therapy, also, how would you feel about going to church or to speak to a Christian minister?

Or, get a prospectus for your local college or the OU and see if any of the courses jump out at you.

I think you probably have a lot of transferable skills from your banking experience and qualifications that would be appreciated by businesses or the public sector finance.

I'm a bit like you, op. My adolescence to early 20s was fairly traumatic and I slowly shut down and didn't really have a personality by my 20s.

I still don't really have a 'thing' that's me, or any special talents. I couldn't be a SAHM, I tried for a while, but the dynamic between me & DH was all wrong and I didn't enjoy looking after my DC all day alone.

I started temping 5 years ago and got a 3 week contract in LA finance. I'm still there now and I love it. It's finance, but it has a human element too and I get to talk to different people in the community.

I didn't have any friends really when I started, as I had moved about a lot. After 5 years, I have 3 really good friends from amongst my colleagues and lot of others that I enjoy spending time with at work, work dos and lunch breaks. My horizons have expanded tenfold.

Look into childcare options and get in touch with some agencies. You could be up and running in no time.

OP, I know you've tried therapy, but to me it sounds like your feelings might be partly related to the fact that you haven't had this part of life (being a good mother) modelled around you so you're not sure how it's done and how to be happy doing it. I would look for another therapist as a first step.

Uprooting your life twice in the past few years must have been very hard given all the trauma of your childhood. I would suggest taking things slowly and aiming to stay put for a while to lay down some roots. Your DC will be in school soon and will benefit from that security too.

It is hard to find purpose when you aren't fighting for survival.

How old is your dc?
Can you see how being around for your dc is something good?
They have the role model and love that you didn't have, they have a happy family.
You are giving them something truly amazing.
If you feel the need to then maybe you could work part time and dh work part time and both have the best of both worlds?

I think there are two things going on really - 1) you previously used work to power through/maybe suppress your feelings and 2) you're a SAHM with a child who's getting a bit older more independent so you can think a bit about you.

I'd counsel against throwing yourself into work for the sake of it. If 1) is still an issue - ie. you use work to avoid thinking - you need to find a good therapist and address that. Otherwise you're just delaying the inevitable.

On 2), what everyone else said - volunteering, freelancing, a job search for your previous industry all viable options.

All the best

I don't have anything like your traumatic background but when I was sahm for 3 years I had that same sense of something lacking, even though I knew, theoretically, I was very lucky.

Going back to work part time was financially necessary for us, but has really cheered me up and made me feel much more like me.

So, in your shoes, as others have said, I would take some time to find something of interest, and take a course in it. Or a voluntary position. Anything that will provide a connection to people outside of your immediate family, that was the thing I was missing most.

Once you start, it might give you a clearer idea of what direction you want to go in.

OP, you sound lovely and you will be fine. What could be happening here, is that having your own child is somehow triggering something about your own childhood. This is very common. You may feel a range of emotions - anxiety, guilt, hopelessness etc, but have no idea why. It’s something you can’t access because it’s affecting you such a subconscious level. The feelings make no sense because they bear no relation to your current life. So you feel more guilt and confusion and it’s s vicious circle. Sometimes it’s only when you reach a point where you feel “safe” that suppressed feelings begin to surface.

Please go back to therapy. I’m a SAHM too. I’ve experienced similar. But if you find a good therapist and stick at it, things will become clearer. You have to work out what you want and this can be a journey, but you can get there. You can start to feel enjoyment and not feel numb. It’s never to late to make a change, I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for the update - so would you consider returning to therapy? Or maybe a different kind of support would be better - I'm about to start some coaching primarily to help me understand what I want to do with the final 20 years of my career (we're actually at a similar crossroads, though I've come to it from a different direction!).

(If you do consider coaching, it's really important to find someone properly qualified, it's become a bit of a 'mummycoach' industry. The person I work with has a background in exec coaching and is definitely approaching me from a work pov. Personal stuff does come into it though, but not in the same way as therapy).

The other thing to do is to cut yourself some slack. I did the Adverse Childhood Experiences questionnaire the other day and I scored 6. That's pretty high. But instead of feeling bad about that, I chose to congratulate myself for continuing to survive and to sometimes even thrive. The shadows of childhood run very, very deep. Be kind to yourself. I find exercise really helps me get out of my own head too.

Op you don't need to justify why you prefer working to being a sahm. Most women do choose to work instead of being a sahm.

I could afford to stay at home but I prefer working. I could list a million things I love about working. I love the mental stimulation ..the banter ..the new people I meet...the ideas j get to have and work on...the fascinating changing days I go through.

I think you are overthinking it and your husband is being really unhelpful.

Your husband isn't offering to stay home is he? Maybe he would realise how much he enjoys work if he was forced to quit and sit home all day.

And why should you look for a hobby instead of just being excited to go find work again and get paid and proper stimulation??

Also. You can acknowledge the luck of having security without having to actually choose to be a sahm.

I was on mat leave for a little over a year until I went back to work PT last month. It was one of the toughest years of my life, being a SAHM really isn’t for everyone. It can be incredibly lonely and isolating as well as being mind numbingly tedious and relentless.

Don’t feel bad for feeling this way, you’re not alone. Speak to your DH and maybe try a PT job?

I can sympathise to a degree. I won't outline my situation but I identify with a lot of what you say.

I've thought about this a lot. The biggest conclusion I've reached is to not expect to be able to solve this overnight. It's quite cliche but just take baby steps. See absolutely everything as an opportunity that might open more doors or lead to new paths.

Whether it's a mother and baby group that could leads into a friendship or a one off volunteering job for a community project that can be used to build up your CV.

Good luck x

OP, I agree that counselling would be good for you to find some sort of self worth and how to enjoy your life. It's totally understandable after your childhood that you would feel this way.

I also agree that you should look into volunteering. You could build up some different skills and maybe find a new career out of it. Local hospices, charity shops, children centres all need volunteers and there are various roles available. If you could transfer your banking skills to accountancy you could take on a role as treasurer, or in finance admin etc.

If you could find something to do part time, you can enjoy your child the rest of the time and have a meaningful life

I'm in a similar position but when I feel like this I try to remember not to take anything for granted in life. Everything can be taken away in an instant. (Then again, maybe that's why I can't enjoy life to the full?!)

In my case, I'm planning to do another degree when my children are both in school. Studying and learning always makes me feel good about myself.

You need to grieve and accept your past. It's always there but doesn't have to rule you. Have more therapy if it helps. Expect setbacks.
Looking after dc is a v important job, it's busy and tiring but it doesn't use your whole brain, and can be isolating.
Look into courses, part time work, volunteering or activities that meet you interests and intellect. Time for you and preparation for later on.
Friends do come and go in life, sad fact, especially if you move or circumstances change. Luckily there are always others looking for new contacts. Get out and meet people, alone, with dc, with dh. It takes a few meetings to click with someone, exercise classes not usually the best, but persevere, try new things.
If your depression doesn't lift try gp, meditation, acupuncture.

Retrain, thats what I did. Get a hobby, a dog (she brings SO MUCH joy to our family, gets me out, makes me more social (chatting w other dog owners in the park), gives me cuddles when dc are at school). I think a lot of SAHM can feel the same way as you, if they do not have hobbies, friends etc. I am also a sahm and I retrained as I did not want to go back to full time working. However, now I am having a third baby, so putting my part time career on hold until I am ready to start up again. But I spent two years studying for it and now qualify.

Hi Op, I understand how you feel. I’m a SAHM and I have really struggled — particularly since having our second —with a sense of having lost myself. Because of my husband’s schedule and work commitments it’s not so easy for me to go back to work. And I really find myself struggling with baby groups where the conversation is dominated by children. I love my children and I do enjoy spending time with them, but I want escape from the drudgery. I want conversation that makes me feel like my brain hasn’t collapsed into a pile of goo.

So I now work probono for a charity (where the commitment is flexible depending on what is going on) and it’s helped find me a path back to me, or at least I’m starting to understand and love the me as I am now. I’m also studying one night a week at our local college and that again has really helped me to remind myself that my brain hasn’t died with pregnancy and motherhood. And it has the added bonus of keeping my CV ticking over for when I want to think about returning to the workplace.

I won’t say that it’s solved it completely. When both children are at home alone with me, for those days I feel so incredibly lost. It’s frustrating that I can’t achieve anything (Simply filling the dishwasher) or manage to hold a proper conversation because I’m chasing one or both, or they’re screaming in my ear.

But one of the things I’ve realised is that is just the time of the experience. They won’t be like this forever and my strive for perfection/control will need to take a backseat for the time being while we all go through this stage of our lives.

That foggy brain feeling won’t last forever. It will clear — it’s already started. The sleep deprived nights of early baby have already passed, and inch by inch the rest of it will clear and I will feel human again and then the menopause will hit.

So I get it. I really do! I can’t promise it will get better, but I can cross my fingers with you.