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AIBU?

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Original poster

Concerns surrounding In-Laws watching my Kids

41 replies

SagAStar · 09/10/2019 01:35

This is a long story but I'll try and keep it as brief as I can.

My BIL and SIL were accused of harming their child at 1 and 2 months old respectively. Neither were convicted as both covered for one another and Wife's parents also omitted to raise concerns about how they were coping as parents.

The injuries were extensive in several broken ribs over 2 occasions within the first few months of the child's life.

The child was placed with my in laws for the best part of two years.

In between times, my Wife gave birth to our first child.

Regretfully, my Wifes parents offered us very little support as new parents.

I took a decision that I did not want my child to be around my BIL and SIL as I believe they are guilty and one is covering for the other. I have strong suspicions who did it but I wont go into that as it's not relevant.

My wifes parents took issue with this and basically cut off contact with my wife and child for 18 months.

In between times I learned that my Wifes parents were breaching Police and Social Work orders and handing back the child to the alleged abusers behind social works back. It was very meticulously planned so that he was handed back at 5pm on a Friday and then dropped back off at 8am on a Monday morning before Social Services started.

As a result, I resported this to Social Work.

My wifes parents showed no interest in trying to resolve matters with my wife and basically just threw my wife and daughter to the side like the were a piece of meat.

They refused to attend a mediation and only eventually showed any interest in resolution with my wife when they found out she was pregnant with out second child.

My in laws persistently state that I am the one preventing everyone playing happy families and that I am the bad one for reporting them to social work.

My Wife wants to have a relationship with her parents which I have no issue with but I have strong concerns about how much of a relationship they should have with my kids because:

They risk their grand child's safety by handing him back to the alleged abusers
They showed very little interest in my child for the first 6 months of her life and cut of all contact thereafter for 18 months subsequently
They have a long history of cutting people out when they dont get their own way. They pretended I didnt exist to my wife for 5 years because they felt I wasnt good enough for my wife (been together 17 years)
They also cut out my SIL's first bf for 3 years as they didnt think he was good enough for her. They didnt like the way he spoke and it wasnt until he got a degree where they started to like him
I have no trust or respect for them and I believe, using a figure of speech, that they would use their children and grandchildren as a shield to save their own life from a bullet...very very selfish people
I believe they would introduce my kids to one or both of the alleged abusers the second I turn my back
They are not the type of people i would ever deem as suitable role models as parents or grandparents
I feel that their actions simply dont deserve them to have a close relationship with my kids.
Being a Grandparent should be a gift and you cant pick and chose when you want to be a parent or a grandparent. This is what they have done
I worry it would be terrible for my kids to get to know them only for them to disappear when they dont get their own way.
They went to extensive lengths to cover up the abuse and are now minimising the injuries.

They are emotionally abusive to my wife in that they obviously treat her as 2nd best child and have done for years. They are manipulative and regularly attempt to control my wife and make her feel bad about not supporting her sister through such a "traumatic" time...absolutely no concerns for their wee grandchild that had their ribs crushed by their SIL or Daughter.

My kids are my world and I feel very strongly that my kids should just have a sporadic and arms length relationship with my in laws. This means that they only see them with my with every now and then and in no certain terms do I think they should be allowed to watch the kids alone for the above reasons.

My wife is now trying to say I'm being excessive whereas I think shes back under their control again and back to trying to please them.

Their ideal situation would be that I am the outcast in the family and everyone else plays happy families and pretents the last 3 years didnt happen....

I cant help but think this is a terrible environment and family for my kids to be a part of and I feel my kids deserve better than they 4 vile beings anywhere near them.

As a compromise, I suggested my kids see their grandparents sporadically and always in supervision to eliminate risk and my aforementioned fears of their previous actions

In no way will they ever be anywhere near the abusers.

They have no regrets or remorse for their behaviour and always look to blame others....bad police, bad social work, bad me etc.

Looking for a bit of advice on whether I am being over the top?

OP posts:
Aveisenim · 09/10/2019 01:39

YADNBU

I wouldn't be happy to put my son in this kind of situation either. I'm NC with my only parent because of past abuse. It was a hard decision, but ultimately the right decision.

Original poster
SagAStar · 09/10/2019 01:48

Thank you.
I feel I am being made the scapegoat in a situation where all I ever did and continue to do was look after my nephew by reporting their actions to Social Services but I my main priority is toSafeguard my own children and whilst I dont believe my in-laws would physically harm my children, they are controlling and emotionally abusive to my wife and persistently try to suggest I am the reason we are not all a happy family because I dont let my kids see the two accused abusers which obviously means they dont see their abused cousin. I cant help but think the whole family dynamics is terrible and allowing my kids access to such a hostile environment is really not good for them in the long term.

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 09/10/2019 01:59

Wow!!! They sound like horrible people. It sounds like you're an amazing parent, and you need to stay so so strong for your wife right now if she has slipped back into the mindset that she must please her parents!

YANBU even a little bit, and one day your wife will be clear of the fog and be able to see that everything you have done has been for your family! Good luck xx

breakfastpizza · 09/10/2019 02:11

If they are comfortable lying to the police/social services, then they'd likely have no problem lying to you. YANBU.

Your problem here is your wife. I wonder if you need to speak to a professional about her denial? A therapist? I don't even know. Hopefully someone else can offer advice. But know you're doing the right thing. Flowers

blackcat86 · 09/10/2019 02:22

I personally wouldn't even bother with arms length supervised contact. BIL and SIL sound hideous to hurt a small baby and PIL just as bad to minimize it and collude with them. Why push for any contact with such awful people particularly when you have children. Has your wife had any therapy? Its admirable that you try and support your DW and DCs relationship with her wider family but your efforts may be better place encouraging her to fully see and accept the situation as it is and come out of the FOG that such dynamics cause.

LellyMcKelly · 09/10/2019 02:22

I think there are two sides to every story.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 09/10/2019 02:31

I agree with blackcat, given the injuries to your nephew I wouldn't risk any contact at all. You did the right thing reporting them to social services.

Itssosunnyout · 09/10/2019 02:33

Yanbu

Your children are at risk with them.

They also can't see beyond themselves.

Goldiegorilla · 09/10/2019 02:43

You are very strong minded in your language and come across as sanctimonious.

Obviously if there is risk of harm to your children then contact should be minimal or should not happen at all.

But I think you should take a more gentle approach with your wife.

But ultimately your compromise is reasonable.

lborgia · 09/10/2019 02:47

lelly - even if there are two sides to every story (and that the other side is that they are totally without sin Hmm), the very fact that they are ignoring a social work order much be some pause for concern. Are they doing everything they can to fight it? Prove their innocence? Obviously no insight into that from OP, but given the great weight of evidence provided by the OP, in what way could you imagine they are blameless, and being punished for something they didn’t do?

Partly sarcastic, but actually also genuinely wondering how this could be otherwise?

OP, if you believe all this to be true, then you absolutely have to stand firm. You children absolutely have to come first. No other way forward. Good luck.

lborgia · 09/10/2019 02:54

PS bottom line, OP, is that if you hadn’t reported to SS, your nephew could be dead right now. And it would still be someone else’s fault. And your wife would still be in their thrall. Get help for both of you, and ignore in laws for the moment.

Ilady · 09/10/2019 03:14

Your did the right thing reporting them to social services. The truth is your bil and sil treated their kids badly and their parents coverd this up. They blamed you as you were not willing to play "happy families" unlike the other relatives. I would not let your wife's parents near your kid/kids as it just a matter of time before your bil and sil will be around them.
I know people like them and it's every one else's fault ie teachers, social workers or police when their kids go bad.

The truth is your parents in law did not stand up for the kids in that situation and let that pair keep their child. What's that child seeing, hearing or putting up with now?
Your wife needs some professional help to deal with her parents and to move to NC with them.
You don't want to put your own children at risk. I would have no contact with them.

EL2019 · 09/10/2019 03:26

What happened when you reported to Social Services? Did they investigate?

7yo7yo · 09/10/2019 07:24

Read the book toxic in laws and get your wife to read toxic parents.
They are eye openers.

ChilledBee · 09/10/2019 07:42

Yeah her family,back off and let her make the decisions.

Marshmallow91 · 09/10/2019 07:55

@LellyMcKelly

Your lives right, the 2 month old must have done it to me himself Hmm

FFS OP is stating facts and if I were him I'd tell my wife under no circumstances would any of them set eyes on my child. End of.

Marshmallow91 · 09/10/2019 07:56

*done it to himself

GrimalkinsCrone · 09/10/2019 07:58

You sound more reasonable than I’d be in the circumstances. If your wife needs to maintain links with her family, just continue to make sure that the children are never without one of you there.
She’s in an emotionally manipulative situation with them, her attitude and ability to judge is probably compromised. As an adult, those are her issues to work through. As a parent, protect your children without embarrassment or hesitation.

BarbariansMum · 09/10/2019 08:04

My children wouldnt be going within a country mile of these people. One of your first duties as a parent is to protect your children from those who might harm them. Do it. And buy your DS a copy if "Toxic parents" whilst you're at it.

BarbariansMum · 09/10/2019 08:04

DW not DS

Hoppinggreen · 09/10/2019 08:09

Of course his wife can make her own decisions , or possibly not given that she will have been conditioned for many years by her parents BUT OP has quite legitimate concerns about the safety of his own children.
My dc wouldn’t be having anything to do with these people but if you don’t think you can enforce that then they must be supervised at all times

crispysausagerolls · 09/10/2019 08:13

lellymckelly

As if the other fucking side matters. A 2 month old baby with broken ribs?!?

Stay the fuck away from these monsters and keep your children safe.

And BTW, you sound like a very good person. Well done for reporting; and well done for being there for your wife and having concerns for your children.

KUGA · 09/10/2019 08:28

YANBU.

wishiwasinthesun · 09/10/2019 08:34

I think that you have acted in the best interests of your children and your nephew. I am sure that you will continue to do so. I only hope you can persuade your wife to see what awful people her relatives are.
If only more people protected children the way you are doing.

Idontwanttotalk · 09/10/2019 08:45

You were right to make the report to Social Services/worker and you are right to do your utmost to protect your children from known abusers. You are not being OTT.

Your wife is in a difficult situation and I understand her wanting a relationship with her parents. Saying your wife thinks you are being OTT, makes me think she would actually give in to her parents and visit her Sis & BiL against your wishes.

The only thing I can think of is that YOU do visit her parents with her (I know it goes against the grain) in order to be able to control the situation. If you aren't there then you won't be privvy to any coercive behaviour. It's better for you to know and be able to address/call them out on their behaviour than be left in the dark about it.

I hope you and your wife can agree on this very important issue because, if you were ever to divorce while your children are still young, you would have no say over what happens and who they see when the children are in your wife's care.

You are clearly a very reasonable man and a good and protective father and I wish you well with this truly awful dilemma.

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