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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Passive aggressive Facebook posts

56 replies

legolegolegolego · 08/10/2019 13:54

So DH and I had an argument on the weekend and the next day I find that he has posted a less than subtle passive aggressive yet deliberately vague Facebook status aimed at me. Loads of comments asking “omg are you ok?” Then his mum commenting that she has come across many people like this, he’s being ”abused” that he “needs to find the strength to be free” It sounds like he has told his mum a very one sided version of events. Aibu to think that these kinds of Facebook statuses are basically spineless?

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 08/10/2019 14:47

Uh MN always makes me so glad I ditched FB.

"My status is that I am SO hurting right now!" sits back and waits for sympathy from everyone who feels forced to show it.... drip feeds a bit more....

TheVanguardSix · 08/10/2019 14:48

So he took his dirty laundry to Facebook Land (where his hand-wringing mama would most certainly be waiting in the wings to gorge on his one-sided story) instead of talking privately and seriously with his wife after a period of cooling off. You have shit to sort out and a marriage to nurture and this is he chooses to deal with an argument?
This could possibly be a deal-breaker for me, OP.
It is very toxic behaviour.

CardiFree · 08/10/2019 14:52

It is a very teenage reaction but even my teens have pied FB now their nans and aunties are on it.

How old is he OP?

Juells · 08/10/2019 14:54

To those saying the OP is doing the same - she isn't. We don't know who she is, and all she's said is that they had an argument. She's not claiming to be totally in the right, she hasn't given either side of the argument.

He's a childish wanker, and his mother is feeding into his hard-done-by sympathy-seeking.

agododopushpineapple · 08/10/2019 14:55

If he’s at the point of posting crap like that on fb than I would assume your marriage is in pretty big trouble - also wtf has he said to his mother to make her publicly reply like that? Do you not get on etc?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/10/2019 14:58

Your DH is a dick. However, you're also taking part in this circus. Remove yourself from Facebook and then from the marriage. Anyone who engages in this babyish bullshit deserves to be alone.

I genuinely don't think I'd be able to forgive that. He is essentially painting himself as a victim rather than engaging with the person he's married to; regardless of the dynamics of your marriage he is a tool and needs to be told that.

pjmask · 08/10/2019 15:06

and then there are the spineless posts on Mumsnet too.... Oh the irony

It really isn't irony at all, even if posting on an Internet forum anonymously were the same as implying you've been abused by your spouse to family and mutual friends. Which it isn't.

MashedSpud · 08/10/2019 15:16

Did he post pictures with crying people in them with words of wisdom declaring he’s worthy and will find strength through stormy weather?

Is his status “So hurt right now”?

Has he posted links to sad songs with crying emojis?

Ltb.

tympanic · 08/10/2019 15:21

What a weird situation. Your DH and his friends and family all sound like wee bit kids. What on earth did he post?

GeneHuntLover · 08/10/2019 15:24

Who the fuck posts on Faceache that they had a row, how very immature. I'd kick his arse into touch for that

lucie8881 · 08/10/2019 15:26

I had a really similar experience a while back. My DH and I had an argument (silly argument that escalated out of proportion) where we were both at fault, I went off to bed in a huff leaving him downstairs.

The next morning I wake up to find he'd posted a vague, attention seeking post on Facebook about how he was tired of arguing and just needed a partner he could love and trust??! It sounded as though I'd been off shagging the local football team or some other such shenanigans, nothing at all relevant to the actual argument. There were plenty comments asking if he was ok, how he deserved to be happy and general digs in my direction. I was mortified by the whole thing.

Whilst I do use social media, I would consider myself a light user and would never share anything particularly personal, and up until that point I thought my DH was on the same page. The only thing in his defence was that he'd had a drink that night, was feeling sorry for himself and had never done anything like it before or since.

It bothered me because like many I don't like airing my dirty laundry in public and this was so open to interpretation. He did delete the status as soon as I asked him to the next morning, and didn't offer any argument on the matter. But I was properly hurt by the whole thing and it took a fair bit of talking between us before we were over it (funnily enough that completely eclipsed whatever nonsense we'd been arguing about the evening before). I have stated that going forward it is a solid boundary that neither of us should cross, I find it so disrespectful.

So in conclusion I think YADNBU

suspended · 08/10/2019 15:27

What was the context of his post I.E the argument you had? Whats your relationship like with his family? Has he done this before? Whats he discussed with you around the situ? Too many questions to give an answer on this atm.

Postmanbear · 08/10/2019 15:29

This is appalling

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 08/10/2019 16:33

Oh my god, what on earth was he thinking, airing your dirty laundry like that. When you're married.. it's appalling and so immature.

The comment from MIL is beneath contempt too. If I were you, that would be the end of that relationship.

Original poster
legolegolegolego · 08/10/2019 16:34

Thank you all for your replies. The minute I saw his post I deactivated my FB. In context, the argument we had, our toddler had flooded the bathroom on the weekend, water running into the kitchen. V.stressful at the time. Before that, I had unplugged our older sons PlayStation in order to vacuum his bedroom. DH shouted that I had broken the PlayStation and said “you two are both imbeciles” about ds(3) and I. A few months ago DH and I went through a bad patch and I had to ask him to leave. I told him to not forget what had happened and to watch how he speaks. He took this as a threat on his “security/home” which apparently I know he’s insecure about.

OP posts:
MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 08/10/2019 16:36

Who on earth calls a 3 year old an imbecile (let alone calling you that OP)

Juells · 08/10/2019 16:37

@lucie8881

Wow, you're a very forgiving person. I'd have expected him to do a status saying he was drunk and maudlin when he'd made the post, and it had been way over the top.

saraclara · 08/10/2019 16:38

That's unforgivable. Seriously, if I was with a grown man who did that, I think it would be a deal breaker.

Juells · 08/10/2019 16:40

DH shouted that I had broken the PlayStation and said “you two are both imbeciles” about ds(3) and I.

So while the mother is sympathising with him for being in an abusive relationship, he's abusively shouting at you and a three-year-old? Isn't that the essence of DARVO?

NearlyGranny · 08/10/2019 16:40

Yeah, how did he know the PS was 'broken', OP? Was he trying to play on it himself, by any chance?

He sounds a real prize. When did he last trundle the hoover round, I wonder?

Time to give the manbaby his freedom? Sorry if I'm unaware of his myriad good points...

saraclara · 08/10/2019 16:41

@lucie8881 your example is even worse than the OPs. He actually made it clear that his problem was with you and he couldn't trust you. Deleting it was no way enough. That wouldn't stop the gossip about you one bit. I'd be gone.

DameFanny · 08/10/2019 16:43

Oh please please help him find his "freedom" OP - his mother is waiting to give him all the validation he wants, and you don't need him belittling you all

slipperywhensparticus · 08/10/2019 16:46

Reply to his moms comments? Yes I know I'm in an abusive relationship thanks for offering to take him back I'm sure you dont want your grandchild being called an imbeceile again

BelleSausage · 08/10/2019 16:47

OP- maybe you’re the one who needs to find a way to be free!

Honestly, he sounds needy and manipulative. Tell him he’s an arse.

DippyDepannage · 08/10/2019 17:23

this would likely be a deal breaker for me, you have done the right and dignified thing coming off of facebook, he sounds incredibly immature

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