Dating

[Lizmum1]

Really need help!

I was dating a guy for 3 months everything was perfect he was amazing in every way. Was literally besotted with me. I developed deep feelings fast and I think I started acting like the person I would avoid very unattractive like confused and paranoid over analysing everything. It ended in us blocking each other on every app and numbers. He kept following my Instagram but After a month of no contact what so ever he come back begging and pleading. He is 2 hours away but his kids live near me and he’s trying to sell his house to eventually move closer to them. He works LOADS and we both put our kids first so it means we rarely see each other. We had a date scheduled 2 weeks in advance that he asked me on and I agreed. Since then we have spoken loads practically every day the past five weeks.
But he had his kids this weekend so I thought I’d not message and respect his space to spend time with them. It’s now Tuesday and we are going out Friday. I’m paranoid he said he’d call to confirm details as it’s London we are going to. But it’s been a bit radio silent. Most people say don’t panic until Wednesday or Thursday but I get a bit anxious and like to know my plans are definite so I can arrange travel and baby sitter ect. Also this is very out of character for him he would usually be sending me sweet messages about his excitement and sweet voice notes. He said last week he is desperate to see me.

Am I going mad ? I notice a pattern and I don’t know weather it’s me every time I get feelings I get sick with worrie :/

I'm sorry to hear you're so worried. That can't be easy.

"It ended in us blocking each other on every app and numbers" - what did you or he do in order for this to occur? It sounds far too emotional for the short period of time you were around each other.

Re Friday, I would suggest dropping him a short, polite message saying "Are we still on for Friday? Need to know or will make other plans" etc.

Keep it short, simple and make it seem like you are the busy, independent, happy person I'm sure you are - and that he can either choose to be normal, polite and confirm , or he can go weird and silent and therefore lose you.

The last bit is key - people don't accidentally lose people at this stage - they lose people because they're not able to communicate, or don't want to, or are keeping their options open (which means you have to close down that option for them).

I'd say you're not stalking him by sending that message - but don't send a whole bunch of follow ups or emotional messages if he does let you down.

I think the distance got to me also although I’m very busy with the kids and the house and I have horses so pretty occupied. I still find during the day I’m twiddling my thumbs abs when he came on so strong at first and wouldn’t leave me alone chasing me then suddenly stopped and kept saying he was busy I took it as not interested. I joked about going on tinder and he took it really bad even though it was a complete joke. He said it was reverse phycology

He deleted him on a few apps so I’d not feel the need to constantly message him and he threw a fit and blocked me on everything Facebook Snapchat WhatsApp my number ect he took me off his Instagram followers but he continued to follow me on there.

In the month we stopped talking I got a part time job and started a load of hobbies and have been going out lots with friends I e got a huge group of friends and a big family. I got a new car and started working out and lost 3 stone.

He come back begging. It just seems when I’m busy and having fun and he feels like he can’t have me he wants me more. But that surely cannot go on forever! He loves to chase. When we first started dating it took weeks to convince me to go on a date because I’m a tough one to crack. Men try all the time and I politely decline. I’m pretty picky but when I fall it seems to be pretty hard

I messaged and said hey hope you had a good weekend With your kids. Looking forward to seeing you this weekend

I mean I don’t get the logic in messaging everyday for weeks and saying your desperate to see me to then go awol before the date. If he’s busy he should say and if he’s not interested then I’d have a lot of respect for a truthful message !! It’s cowardly and cold otherwise.

Ps. I have had my nails eyebrows and hair done already yesterday and bought the nicest dress if not I shall go out anyway as I have been asked elsewhere.

And women are confusing ?! Haha

3 stone in one month!

I lost seventeen pounds in two weeks due to emotional trauma (ie a man).

OP, I think you need to block this one and be more laid back with the next.

2 stone in the month we weren’t talking another stone in the month we’ve been talking again.

Completely different lifestyle I do a intense bootcamp 3 times a week

I’m literally wondering if he wants a pen pal
He seems to love constantly messaging me but then leading up to meeting he’s gone weird. I mean who puts that much effort into a game. Surely get the real thing if that’s the case

In the month we stopped talking I got a part time job and started a load of hobbies and have been going out lots with friends I e got a huge group of friends and a big family. I got a new car and started working out and lost 3 stone.

& there you have it.
You are way better off when you don't have this manipulative game-player in your life.
You are way over-invested with all the drama he causes, & he sounds horrible. Forget him, & concentrate on the job, hobbies, fitness, friends & what a great life you have without his draining nonsense.

He asked me if I’ve slept with anyone since we stopped speaking. I haven’t so I said no but if I had it’s none of his business really. Any idea why he would ask this ? I’m pretty open about stuff so I would have said yes if I had

If you want to know if you’re on Friday just ask. If he messes you around, or you get a weird response, then just stop and pull the plug. Far too much drama!

Coming on super strong and lovebombing, then withdrawing, and then blocking you sounds like a discard. Then coming back and starting the cycle again..
Sounds like textbooks stages of the cycle of being involved with a narcissist.

He's Breadcrumbing you... it means he's giving you just enough to keep you interested and on the back burner.

Walk away, you deserve better.

It sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. The right person shouldn’t make you feel like this.

I initially thought maybe he was a narcissist but this tome around I’ve been really laid back and he’s been so lovely. I mean even if he is a narcissist why all the effort for nothing it baffles me. If a guy is gonna use you for one thing surely he would get it first without ghosting first. Also wouldn’t he choose a target closer to home and not travel 2 hours to mess with one person and there’s tinder if you’re looki g for one thing !!

You’d think a 40 year old man would be more mature and not play games!

Ditch this guy and carry on with your lovely life!

Thank you guys !

I mean I usually give the benefit of the doubt but my gut is just saying it’s not good and I’ve never had a gut feeling before lol

I did google (don’t laugh) about ignoring before date and there was a few pages on like advice for guys encouraging them not to look needy and message before dates.

I mean that’s ridiculous! Doesn’t have to be all day everyday but some confirmation is nice. When I go out Witt the girls we know a week in advance what where when and how we’re getting there and what we are all wearing and we reconfirm the day before too. It’s true men and women are from different planets and I’m just learning this !!

For narcissists the effort is the thing! They love it! The harder they have to work to bring you back the bigger the thrill. It's virtually impossible to tell if someone is a narcissist in the beginning of a relationship (love bombing and declaring love after a short space of time are major clues though) but once you've been through the cycle of loved/left/loved/left a few times you'll know. It's really rubbish and I hope it's not the case xxx

I mean maybe it’s me ! I had a ex that was exactly the same declaring independence dying love and wining and dining me and utterly obsessive and it turned out to be a very on off relationship
For two draining years that took me years to get over the trauma. A year after we called it off he was married and his wife was pregnant. They’re together still after four years. There’s must be something wrong with me ! Xx

A tho f I’ve noticed with men like this is they don’t seem to want me but when I’m happy they do. When I’m going out with friends they will call. When I went on girls holidays (pre kids) they’d come out the woodworks to check up. They don’t want you but god forbid another man does !

There are people who narcissists find appealing, I know I'm one, I've dated four! They like caring and compassionate people especially if you're a bit vulnerable. My number three was my long term partner and father of two of my children. He became gradually more abusive over time. It was only after doing the Freedom programme from women's aid I was able to pick it all apart. It's put me off dating now as ended up seeing another narcissist after my ex! (Love bombed me, thought I'd met the man of my dreams, dumped me as he had mental health problems, dated me again, dumped me again ect ect). I've educated myself on these types of people (you may find you have friends and relations who treat you badly) and am much more self aware. Xx

I’m so sorry you’ve had all those horrible experiences. My ex and father of my two children was very controlling financially and wouldn’t let me work. Hated me having friends. Any freedom sent him into a frenzy. He said he was just protective and he earned hell of A lot of money so I didn’t need to he would give me the world. I didn’t want that. I’m no gold digger I love doing stuff for myself and earning my own money. I couldn’t go out without feeling guilty. But he could work away all over the world for long periods of time!!

I am extremely kind and caring i would do anything for anyone I walk down the road and say hello to everyone I pass. I help people in need weather I know them or not. I love helping people. I’m so soft. But my heart is huge. I really empathise with others so I let them back in and forgive when I k ow I shouldn’t !

It hurts when you have a huge heart and people take advantage. I’m not a complete push over but when I stand up for myself I get called crazy

I’ve struggled recently with low self a steem and thinking there’s something wrong with me but recently I’ve decided to blow my own trumpet ITS AMAZING !!

I’m not perfect but no one is ! I try my hardest to be the best mum I can be to my kids. I’m often told how kind polite and empathetic my children are by teachers ect. I have strong family values. My friends are like sisters we all support each other. I have a very good social life. I work out and I’m feeling more body confident and treating myself to some nice outfits. I have many hobbies and I’m very open. I don’t judge people many people feel comfortable confiding in my as my door is always open. I have good banter. Love a sense of humour and someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously. I like to be Romantically wined and dined but a takeaway and film or pizza in the park is equally appealing I’m not too high maintenance but I take pride in my appearance . Growing up with horses has taught me to be adventurous so I’m down to do all those fun days out and I’d give anything a go!! I just can’t understand why all this isn’t enough.
Do men like simple boring women that only want dinner dates and getting pampered. (I love being pampered but I’m equally tomboy as I am girly ) hahaha !!

Most big headed Speech of My life but hey ho we gotta love ourselves!!

Sounds like you both need to grow up tbh. What you're describing isn't a relationship, it's just drama for the sake of it. Cut your losses and spend some time working on yourself and your anxieties.

Well done op on the "big headed speech"! You are so right about self love/ self care! Good for you. You sound lovely.

So, I think tbh, this guy sounds like a total mind fuck and it's all getting too emotional, too soon. I'd still go on the date if you want, but if he doesn't confirm and you get a better offer before friday then his loss really!

We all gotta love ourselves first and foremost I’m still in my 20s so I’m still learning but it’s good to learn and grow. I’m enjoying it!

On a very strange note though .. I mentioned in convo the other day that I changed my contraception (it didn’t agree with me and was making me feel irrational) he asked if it was long term and when I said it was long term I was a bit off. I hope he isn’t hoping to Impregnate me or something messed up. He can’t. But i thought most men would like to be safe as opposed to having a baby when your not even together !!

Anyone have a opinion on why he would be strange about this

He was a bit off not me sorry