ABIU to think that do we really need friends?

[iknowimallmine]

Just saw a thread about school mums drama and how there are cliques that treat other mums who are not a part of this group with disdain etc. Basically adult women behaving like they have never grown up. This made me thinking that do we really need friends? Some women mentioned on that thread that women who stay at home crave company. I am a SAHP and while I do like hanging out with people I can't be bothered by putting too much effort in a friendship.

For me I believe friendship should be effortless. A good friend would understand where you are coming from and yes whilst there are arguments there will not be heated shouting matches. They are honest to you and you can be honest to them. There should be sincerity and locality in friendship.

Most of the women I have met seem more like fair weather people with no sincerity or honesty. Isn't it better to be just alone than hangout with these kind of women. I honestly like my own company and am happy on my own with my little family. I do worry that it might affect my DD in school if I don't make an effort with other mums. Will that be the case?

I like having a few friends, but a few years ago I was involved in a lot of school things and found I had too many friends. Sounds a bit weird but it all got too much and I felt like I had to give everyone my time so I distanced myself and now just have a few close friends which is enough.

I generally find most people I talk to really nice and there are lots of people I'd love to be friends with if I had more time, but honestly mostly I just want to cuddle with DH and the dog 😁

If you don't hang out with people and work out who the sound ones are, you will not make good friends. It isn't always effortless: some people who turn out to be solid gold can be hard to get to know.

If you don't make good friends, you miss out on a lot. I'm pretty introverted, very happy to spend the day alone or walk five miles with just a dog for company, but I maintain my friendships. My friends are supportive when I have a crisis or need advice and I do the same for them.

As for your DD at school, she will probably make her own friends and your effort or lack of at the school gate won't make much of a difference unless you are actively rude, in which case other parents will think they probably won't bother and won't be keen to deal with you.

I have completely shaved my social circle down. Friends are now replaced by school gate mums (we meet up for coffees and chats during school hours). I have one friend who has her hands full with two young children so our communication is done on SM and whatsapp; we've been friends since we were like 11. I just do not have the energy to do anything else. I suspect thats why I'm okay with being single this time around because I get to enjoy my own company again...its a perfect balance and I love it.

I’m single & childfree so no school gate mums, but I have a group of close women friends & can’t imagine being without them.

Friends are important but if you expect too much of all of the people in your life then you'll be disappointed with a lot of them. I have friends that I know would drop everything for me and friends that are a really good laugh if we bump into each other in the pub but I wouldn't make plans with them because they always cancel. And there's friends who I was really close too when my babies were tiny but now they're older I barely have time to reply to their messages. Some of my friends are cup of coffee once a month friends, some are a pint once a year friends and some are messaging at 2 am because I'm having a shitty time and they'll get in the car and drive over in their slippers to make me tea friends.
All still friends and all still important to me.

I met one of my best friends at the school gate. It was odd, we just clicked and I felt very warm towards her very quickly. I have other friends at the school gate who I only sometimes see away from school, but they are nice to chat to. Then I have my oldest friend who doesn't live locally now, but distance hasn't made any difference to how much I care for her. When we see each other it is still the same. Then I have some newer friends who I have become very fond of and see regularly. Then aquaintences and friends I dont see often.

I think I would be very lonely without friends, and was in the past when I isolated myself due to poor mental health. I'm glad I'm able to put myself out there now and have found people who make my life happier. I come away from seeing them with a smile on my face, feeling good about life in general. It's worth the time and effort to me and I'm told I'm a good friend in return.

I haven't got even one friend. I have got 2 Dsis's and a DH that is enough for me.

Life is just easier if you have a community around you. Particularly when my dc were at Primary school, I couldn't have got through without the support of other parents. there are do many times when someone has helped me out by giving one of my dc a lift or collecting them from school or giving them a 'wave' when I couldn't get to sports day or whatever. Same for extra curricular activities - we've all helped each other out with lifts here there and everywhere. It gets particularly complicated once you have more than one dc and you have to admit you can't be in more than one place at the same time.
That's before all those times, over the years, when you just need a bit of support - you've had an operation or an accident, or you are supporting elderly relatives in the last days, or you need to go to a funeral, or into hospital yourself, or even some nice reason why you might want someone to have your dc for a few hours.

I couldn't have got by without 'parents friends'.

I need friends. I love my friends. Hardly see most of them anymore, but we're in touch in various ways. Some of them I'd do anything for, and many of them have done a tremendous amount for me. Most of my family are either horrible or thousands of miles away, so friends have a very important role in my life. I have no friends among local parents though. I think we're all too busy and knackered.

Seems a bit harsh to say that women are insincere and dishonest and fair-weathery. This has generally not been my experience, I'm pleased to say. Though sincerity and honesty aren't things I think all that much about in a friendship - what's important to me is sense of humour, a sense of the absurd, vaguely compatible worldview, basic decency. I don't think I've ever had an issue wondering whether my friends are honest or sincere. Just never came up.

I'd be lost without friends. Luckily I'm fairly good at acquiring and keeping them. There are people I speak to regularly who I have known for over 20 years, newer friends who I might chat online to most weeks, people that I only see once a month, people who I only see once a year. I am not interested in couplehood or dating, and I come from a small family, so I like to have lots of people I can talk to and go and hang out with. And, if you have lots of friends, you don't inadvertently drain people or bore them.

I have lots of "mates" and undoubtedly some who would be there for me (at least in the beginning) in a crisis.

Longer term I don't and, while I occasionally wonder if I may be isolating myself as I get older, I couldn't be more happy.

We have a woman at work who is a bully, and watching her operate is enough to put you off close relationships for life.

I couldn't survive without my friends. I would be desperately unhappy. But I am good at making friends and I have a good number of close and long standing ones.

I think friends are so important I just can't imagine not having any . I make an effort with all my friends , some I go for breakfast with on my day off, some dog walks, some boozy nights out, long chats on the phone, text messages to those ones that aren't local. I'm not a girly girl by any means but I do love girly company.

Mumsnet is very odd in how a lot of posters are almost competitively friendless

I think it’s very sad. Healthy female friendships are such a wonderful thing.

I definitely need my friends. Maybe that is more my personality but I really enjoy the company of them. My main social group (husbands and wives) are people I have known since my children were in primary school, and I’m now in my late 50s. Maybe that is because we are in a rural area, and our kids all went to a small school where it was easy to make friends. Us women meet up around monthly to celebrate each other’s birthdays which happen to be spread throughout the year. We meet in one house and enjoy a good meal and wine. I know they would all be there in a crisis. We have weathered a few divorces/affairs etc over the past 25 years but are still all strong friends.

Having said that I am also good friends with a small group I went to school with many years ago!

There is no right, we all do what works for us.

I have some wonderful, long term "soul" friends, the type that cope with being low maintainence but when you see eachother, the time disappears.

I also have "lifestyle" friends, the mums at the school gate, people I see and get on with at this stage of life, but there is less lasting social connection. 5 minutes interaction in a day spent largely in my own company is important (well, there's the DCs, but that doesn't always hit the spot).

I have a relative who I suspect has no friends of his own. The friends I have met have been through his wife. He's not devoid of social network, but it's more aquaintences that he doesn't see out of the context in which he knows them.

Mostly, we do need some kind of friendship and will have more casual/ aquaintences than the rarer special friendships that last through decades and lifestyle changes. People that don't need friends are rare. MN is a congregating point for people with a low need for physical friendship to have some form of interraction.

My friends are amazing and my life would be empty without them. Any relationship takes work and that goes for friendship too, but I cherish each and every one.

I don’t recognise at all the drama/clique/hard work version of friendship you get on some Mn threads. In fact, I think social media has meant that the term ‘friend’ has become pretty much meaningless — it can mean ‘someone whose posts I click ‘like’ on, or ‘a vague acquaintance’ or, quite often, judging by the way it’s used on Mn, ‘someone I know and don’t much like’.

I’ve moved around the world a lot, and where I’ve lived recently has given me two real friends only, both through work, my friends are important to me, and I hold onto them longterm, even when we don’t see one another often.

I could do with having more friends to be honest. At the moment though I just don't have the time and energy to be meeting up with people socially so am ok as I am, I'm happy with my partner and kids and I'm busy.
I've never had a gang of proper true friends, just never really fit in with people.

School gate mums are kind of what I consider situational friends, the same as when my son was playing rugby and we hung out at the clubhouse during practise, and work friends that you don’t see after you move jobs etc. They may just be barely above acquaintances that you meet for group coffee. Some may become real friends. The friends through thick and thin, who are the kind who will rush over when you have a crisis (being burgled was one time, when my husband died another). These are the ones that really count, the others just make life more easy to navigate.
I’m perfectly happy in my own company. But I treasure my real friends, they make life more enjoyable and interesting. I can go out with other adults, discuss things important in the world, share experiences like the theatre or travel. They make me feel like I matter, that I am valued for more than being a parent.
Your kids are going to grow up and move out and your partner may leave/die. Then you really will be on your own. Friendships require some effort - you have to go out of your way to see them, you have to organise things. Everyone is busy but my life would be a lot duller without friends.

Mumsnet is very odd in how a lot of posters are almost competitively friendless

I think it’s very sad. Healthy female friendships are such a wonderful thing.

Completely agree. I understand that not everybody excels in social situations, but to almost celebrate being friendless is just weird.

I can't imagine life without friends at all. I acknowledge that between us me and DP have a lot of friends which isn't necessarily the norm, and can also understand that people may have different preferences when it comes to friends (e.g. whether you'd holiday together or whether you prefer to limit it to coffee or dinner out). But to have no friends at all would be utterly miserable IMO and isn't at all healthy.

Even if you don't see the value of friends when you're busy with a young family (the "My DH and kids are enough for me" types) - newsflash: your kids will move onto their own lives and your DH might not always be there.

We all know loneliness amongst the elderly is a big problem, but I've seen personally that it's even worse for people who haven't bothered with friends throughout their lives and then suddenly find themselves widowed.

After years of friendship related drama's, let downs and betrayals, cliques and deliberate excluding, bitching and backstabbing, gossiping...

Nope I don't need friends any more.

It was so exhausting and bad for my mental health. I like being alone with a book, films, nature, crafting etc.

I sound very dull, I know. But I just don't care. I'm a loner and happy with it.

I'm actually quite friendly, people tend to like me and I'll help anyone out, will happily chat to strangers, neighbours, school mums etc. But I just don't have the time or mental energy for actual friendships and maintaining them.

No I've got a small number of very close female friends that I go on hols with and chat to very regularly but then other female friends that I like to meet up with and chat to every few weeks. I like having them in my life. I would feel a bit sad ☹️ if I didn't have female friends.

Yy, @elvis86 and @Pipandmum.