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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to feel embarrassed

29 replies

BettyBloom · 07/10/2019 16:50

So Dd (7) came downstairs after an hour of being in bed crying, DH was in the shower at the time. I asked why the tears and she said "I got scared the other night and came in to your room and I saw something I shouldn't have" this filled me with immediate dread of what was to come next. I asked what she had seen, " I saw daddy on top of you naked"..... I'm now trying my hardest not to laugh and trying to think of something to say. I asked what she thought we were doing and she replied with cuddling (phew, crisis averted) she then continues to say, she thought that sort of cuddling was naughty and that she doesn't want us to go to jail, by this point I'm bright red with embarrassment. I just replied that when you are married and love each other that sort of cuddling is allowed but only if both people cuddling say yes.

I'm not sure why she thinks it's naughty, why we'd go to jail or where she might have seen 'that sort of cuddling' before. Our bedroom door is normally pushed to but not closed as it rattles when people walk around upstairs, so getting in our room in stealth mode can be done, now im thinking of getting a lock to prevent further embarrassing moments like this happening.

I feel rather embarrassed for her, would you have explained it differently, did I say the right things?

OP posts:
wildcherries · 07/10/2019 16:54

Definitely get a lock. I don't know what I would have said, but I still remember hearing my parents when I was a teen. Not fun.

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 16:57

I’m SO glad I don’t have kids!!! I couldn’t put up with having our privacy invaded and the awkward conversations that follow! Although the cat has a peek occasionally but he doesn’t require a de-brief!

Happyspud · 07/10/2019 17:00

Someone’s told her that cuddling with no clothes on is naughty and the police will come. I’d be wondering who the fuck said something along those lines.

Otherwise I’d not be in the slightest bit embarrassed but would want to reassure her that it’s normal and healthy and happy for GROWN UPS to have naked cuddles. But that it’s private so could she knock before coming into someone’s bedroom in future.

steppemum · 07/10/2019 17:02

well, if your door rattles when it is shut and therefore you would get some warning, then just shut the door when you are having sex.

I don't think a door pushed too when your kids are past toddler age is going to work.

@SherbetSaucer what a ridiculous comment. 3 kids here, now teens and never had an issue. Door closed, and kids taught to knock if it is closed as they get older. As I was with my parents.

Original poster
BettyBloom · 07/10/2019 17:07

A lock has been purchased, the kids do normally knock but in this instance being scared she forgot.

I'm sure I'm not the only parent for this to ever happened to, yes the door should have been shut to, but no ones perfect and a lesson has been taught.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/10/2019 17:07

I think you handled it well too. I would be opening up the dialogue here around the facts of life (age appropriate of course) and about babies and proper names for things. Also I would try and find out why she thought it would land you in jail. That’s quite an odd assumption to make- I’d want to know where it came from.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 07/10/2019 17:11

No I don’t think you said the right thing to be honest. Sex etc is absolutely it’s fine, it’s natural and all this when someone is married it’s ok to cuddle rubbish what’s with that? Also who has told your child “cuddling” is naughty?

You need to sit and talk to this child and ask why she thinks cuddling is naughty? Then explain for adults (married or not) it’s fine to cuddle if they both say yes. It’s a perfectly normal ok thing for adults to do and sounds like a bit of reassurance on that would be good seen as she things it’s naughty/wrong

Also a lock for the bedroom door, for when your having one of these married people cuddles

Likethebattle · 07/10/2019 17:20

I think you explained it perfectly for her age. Especially the bit about consent and loving the other party.

BlockedandDeleted · 07/10/2019 17:25

when you are married and love each other that sort of cuddling is allowed but only if both people cuddling say yes.
Really?!

Original poster
BettyBloom · 07/10/2019 17:26

@P1nkHeartLovesCake maybe I shouldn't have said married but it was late and I wanted to reassure her.

We have sat down and she said she heard her friends say cuddling is naughty and you'll go to jail.

OP posts:
embarassednewname · 07/10/2019 17:28

I’d be very worried about where she heard cuddling with clothes off is naughty and that the police will come? Who would say that to a child unless they wanted to scare them for some very dishonest reason? Honestly, you need to address this with her in a calm manner, no embarrassment etc

underground76 · 07/10/2019 17:31

I suspect that the 'that kind of cuddling is naughty and you can go to prison for it' thing is something she has heard from another child at school - either that, or she's been told that it's never OK for anyone to make you cuddle in a way you don't like or to cuddle you when you haven't got any clothes on or something like that, and she's got her wires crossed.

I think you handled the situation well and your explanation was appropriate for her age - but definitely get a lock for your door.

Windydaysuponus · 07/10/2019 17:32

Maybe her friend meant a man cuddling a dc naked?

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 07/10/2019 17:33

I’d be a lot more worried about why someone has told her that cuddling if naughty- and if it’s come from a friend which one and if they are ok.

The other bit is mortifying but not the end of the world, get a lock and hope she forgets about it.

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2019 17:35

Cmon op, she's using an euphanism. No one wants to see their parents shagging and it's horrifying for a kid her age. This isn't about you. It's about her.

Put the lock on, but I don't know what the hell you say to her. That's a friggen image to be ingrained on her brain for life.

underground76 · 07/10/2019 17:37

I’d be very worried about where she heard cuddling with clothes off is naughty and that the police will come? Who would say that to a child unless they wanted to scare them for some very dishonest reason?

To me, it actually sounds more like something someone might say, albeit clumsily, to try to safeguard around sexual abuse - ie 'Anyone who tries to cuddle children when they haven't got their clothes on is a very bad person, so you must tell mummy if anything like that ever happens so she can tell the police', that sort of thing. Bear in mind that small children get their wires crossed all over the place.

GreytExpectations · 07/10/2019 17:39

Why did you have to say the married and love each other? The consent bit was good, you should have just said some along the lines it's OK for 2 people to cuddle like that if they both do it safely and if they both say yes. No need to fill her head with marriage and love being required.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2019 17:40

I wouldn't worry about the naked cuddling/police thing too much. She's probably got that from the 'inappropriate touching' message that all children should know.

I think you should worry that she laid in bed for an hour crying about it.

That's really quite extreme, especially as it happened the other night.

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 17:42

Why did you have to say the married and love each other? The consent bit was good, you should have just said some along the lines it's OK for 2 people to cuddle like that if they both do it safely and if they both say yes. No need to fill her head with marriage and love being required

Great point!!

zingally · 07/10/2019 17:48

Speaking as a primary school teacher, it sounds like you handled that perfectly.

As for the "cuddling being naughty" thing, I wouldn't worry too much. More likely than not, it's come from discussions at school around bodies being private and "hands off for other people". She's got the message that bodies are private, and that if people are naked, they're not keeping things private, and seeing your husband on top might have looked at first glance, like you were fighting, or wrestling.

All I'd do for now, would be to teach the "knock and wait" rule when it comes to closed bedroom doors. If a door is shut, knock and wait for a verbal sign to enter. Make sure you follow this rule when entering her room as well, and she'll soon learn it.

And if you haven't had the most basic of birds and bees chat yet, it might be time too. :)

ILearnedItFromABook · 07/10/2019 17:56

Why did you have to say the married and love each other? The consent bit was good, you should have just said some along the lines it's OK for 2 people to cuddle like that if they both do it safely and if they both say yes. No need to fill her head with marriage and love being required.

Hmm ... "safely"? Does a 7-year-old really need a lesson in safe sex? And I believe that most people do still prefer sex be part of a loving relationship and not two random strangers rubbing against one another for a brief thrill.

LemonadeLife · 07/10/2019 18:07

I don't think the previous poster meant "random strangers rubbing up against each other" Hmm. The point was clearly being made that the OP's DD can learn from this (in an age appropriate way) that sex between two consenting adults is normal.

ElizaPancakes · 07/10/2019 18:11

Jesus, give the OP a break. Having had it sprung on her unexpectedly I think she did a great job.

Poor little mite though, getting so worried about you going to jail! Reminds me of the rumour that went round my primary school that if your tongues touched when you kissed a boy you’d definitely have a baby! BlushGrin

GreytExpectations · 07/10/2019 19:19

not two random strangers rubbing against one another for a brief thrill.

You do realise that isn't how sex works, right? 😂
Also, you cant assume the way you think is the way most people think and its not healthy to push any specific mind set onto a child. Best just giving them age appropriate facts and leaving it as that.