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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent using 'kidnap' as a warning

82 replies

CAG12 · 07/10/2019 15:36

So im not currently a mum, but will be come march next year.

I was in Sainsburys over the weekend, and a girl (perhaps 7 or 8 years old) asked her mum -

  • child, 'mum can I go around the corner and get the cheese?'
  • mum, 'no, stay with me or you'll be kidnapped'.

WHAT?! Now im not commenting on the mums want to keep the child in her sight. Im more outraged at the use of kidnap as a deterrant.

Granted I dont know them at all, and it might be a very real issue to them.

AIBU to be a bit shocked at this?

OP posts:
MaryPopppins · 07/10/2019 20:01

Eeesh I'm a bad mum then. I let my DC from about 4/5ish head to the free fruit stand thing and come back to me with their fruit.

I do always stand at the end of the aisle so I can see them going, they disappear for a few seconds behind the fruit stand, then reappear and back to me.

But I'd certainly not express why I was saying no in such hyperbolic language if I was concerned and didn't want them doing it that day.

And I think starting young and giving them that bit of freedom all works towards them growing as people.

RuffleCrow · 07/10/2019 20:01

Why are you shocked? Children do get kidnapped. Nobody wants to get kidnapped. Therefore it's a good way to reinforce 'stick with me to say safe'. I use it for a warning foe my ASD son because otherwise he runs through the shop in all directions. Granted i don't phrase it exactly that way. I say "a bad man might steal you away". It's the only thing that resonates as a warning and of course it's a genuine fear of mine as a parent.

RuffleCrow · 07/10/2019 20:04

audacity my mum used to say the exact same thing to me in the 80s. Protectiveness is not a new invention.

MaryPopppins · 07/10/2019 20:04

@LolaSmiles

The anti police thing drives me mad too! My BIL is always using the police as a threat.

My DC on the other hand love the police! Always smile and wave and are excited to see any. They know if they were in trouble they could ask a police officer.

Same with teachers/headteacher. I hear parents at school saying "Mr Headteacher will shout at you if you xyz" instead of parenting.

Then wonder why they don't want to go to school and won't talk to the teachers.

JennyBlueWren · 07/10/2019 20:05

Gosh! I let my 4 year old go down the next aisle to me and meet me at the end -only if the shop's not too busy as I don't want him in people's way. I see it as giving him an increasing trust and responsibility.

MaryPopppins · 07/10/2019 20:07

I have a few times been guilty of going full real-life fear as a parenting tactic though.

Recently was when I caught DC running while eating grapes.

I lost my shit a bit as I always stress to sit still while eating. And said "I don't do this to make your life boring. Children have DIED from not sitting still while eating."

Sometimes you need the extra emphasis!

FieldsOf · 07/10/2019 23:27

@marypoppins @LolaSmiles

Thank you! I'm a copper and we HATE when parents do this.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 08/10/2019 08:56

I'm with you OP. Unless your child has some additional needs or a habit of running off as soon as they are out of site (which could have been a possibility I guess) then using very remote concealed threats to avoid giving them any freedom is just daft. I met a mum the other day who was going to start letting her eldest walk to school (safe area, there is a major road but traffic normally at a standstill and loads of traffic lights, whole area good for pedestrians). I asked how old he was now. 14! No SN. No wonder lots of kids cant cope with life

GettingABitDesperateNow · 08/10/2019 08:58

Mary Poppins I think that's sensible. Grapes are commonly choked on and walking around while eating increases this risk. Choking is a common cause of death for primary school age children. Being kidnapped from the next isle of a supermarket is not

GettingABitDesperateNow · 08/10/2019 09:06

Also (and I admit I am a stats geek) most child abductions happen from someone known to the child eg estranged family (which again I guess could be the case here). A very small percent are random strangers. And most child abductions happen with a vehicle eg child lured into van, as I guess most kidnappers dont fancy escaping with a potentially screaming kicking kid. Obviously it seems like a real threat to some people on here but unless you have an ex from abroad who wants custody, its negligible.

AudacityOfHope · 08/10/2019 09:08

Well of course it's not impossible @KellyHall but it is almost vanishingly unlikely for anything to happen at the Tesco cheese counter. You've got to weigh it up and make sensible decisions based on reality.

Iggly · 08/10/2019 09:10

YANBU

It’s overly dramatic and unnecessary and puts the blame on the child.

Kidnapping would never be their fault.

I was out shopping yesterday and this woman was trying to get her toddler to obey. She said, nodding at me “if you don’t come here, that lady will take you away”

Fucks sake!

easyandy101 · 08/10/2019 09:17

Can't believe people are saying that's a perfectly reasonable thing to say seriously Shock

PumpkinP · 08/10/2019 09:28

My 8 year old has asd and always wants to go upstairs on the bus, I would say something like that to her, (not that exact thing though as obviously they couldn’t get off the bus without coming downstairs) but I would say something similar. What else would you like me to say? She has autism so wouldn’t understand it said in any other way.

Simkin · 08/10/2019 09:32

I don't think you can judge without knowing the relationship between the parent and kid or the conversations that have gone on either side of that one comment. I can imagine saying something like this to my 8 year old but she knows me well and would know that it was hyperbole or I sneering silly and we would probably get into a play argument about it. I wouldn't say it to a 5 year old though.

I don't think there is much risk of kidnap in the supermarket btw unless you are somebody who's at risk of kidnapping anyway...

Brefugee · 08/10/2019 09:38

Well, sometimes we need to question why we don't want the child to do the thing.

Is kidnipping from, say, a supermarket aisle really that prevelant? I mean, you can never tell how people will react to someone dragging a screaming child out of a supermarket (as in: some people will step right in and ask what's going on, some will look away, there never seems to be a consistent thing.) but what is the actual probability of that?

The girl in the supermarket toilet - well, probably that is a much easier thing to happen, while also probably relatively rare.

My biggest worry about parenting at the moment is that stranger-danger seems to still be the Big Thing whereas we must all by now know that it isn't.

DdraigGoch · 08/10/2019 10:10

Presumably she's the sort of parents who uses police officers/shop assistants as threats when their child misbehaves.

A simple "wait until we've finished here" would suffice.

AudacityOfHope · 08/10/2019 10:53

@PumpkinP sorry, I'm not sure what you mean, are you saying you tell your daughter she can't go upstairs on a bus in case she gets kidnapped?

AllFourOfThem · 08/10/2019 10:55

I was the perfect parent before I had children. Come back in a few years, OP, and see if you are still so shocked and judgemental then.

PumpkinP · 08/10/2019 13:40

AudacityOfHope No.

AudacityOfHope · 08/10/2019 13:41

Ok, that's cleared that right up then Grin

JudefromJersey · 08/10/2019 13:45

Reread this in 5 years time when you have a 4.5 year old and you’ll be mortified.

I can only speak for myself but for me, someone taking my child is my worst nightmare and I always assume if she is out of my sight anything could happen to her and I’ll say anything such that she understands the seriousness of wandering off.

PumpkinP · 08/10/2019 13:48

I said I would say a SIMILAR thing.

tonglong · 08/10/2019 13:48

I have personally witnessed parents who tell there children lies just like this, who then seem surprised that the children don't believe what the parent says as they get older. Children can often sniff out bullshit better then parents think.

Boy who cried wolf...... or the mother who cried child snatchers.

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