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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent using 'kidnap' as a warning

82 replies

CAG12 · 07/10/2019 15:36

So im not currently a mum, but will be come march next year.

I was in Sainsburys over the weekend, and a girl (perhaps 7 or 8 years old) asked her mum -

  • child, 'mum can I go around the corner and get the cheese?'
  • mum, 'no, stay with me or you'll be kidnapped'.

WHAT?! Now im not commenting on the mums want to keep the child in her sight. Im more outraged at the use of kidnap as a deterrant.

Granted I dont know them at all, and it might be a very real issue to them.

AIBU to be a bit shocked at this?

OP posts:
KevinKlineSwoon · 07/10/2019 16:53

My DDs would be terrified if I said that. I'd hate them to think there was danger at every turn. Kidnapping is extremely rare.

But, I wouldn't trust mine to pick nice cheese!

fortifiedwithtea · 07/10/2019 16:54

OP please don’t be like the Sainsbury parent, it’s ridiculous. I am 53, an only child. My mum had pnd, I had a very restrictive childhood . Did it keep me safe? Hell no. The biggest dangers are from adults and children that you will know.

Promote independence and confidence. I’d have said, “yes please that would be very helpful, see how quick you can be”.

LolaSmiles · 07/10/2019 16:56

I'm sure loads of people will say "mind your own business" and "it's just people doing their best", but I think you're right in that it can have unintended consequences.

The stranger danger obsession make out that some randomer in the street is more likely to harm a child than someone they know, but most harm to children comes from family and friends of family. Does that parent then also think their child must be driven everywhere or not have reasonable child freedom because of some scary boogyman? The child learns the wider world is something daunting and scary.

Then again, I feel the same for weird threats in public toom
E.g. "the policeman will get you and tell you off". Kids should know the police and emergency services are people to go to when they're in trouble, not be scared of them because they've been used as a threat for minor things.

I was at the GP the other week and heard a parent tell their child to sit quietly "otherwise the doctor will give you a needle". Again, stupid threat because the doctor won't do that and children need to know medical practitioners aren't some evil force of punishment.

I'm clearly grumpy but a simple "no we'll go together in a minute" or "yes and be sensible, straight there and back" would suffice.

doodleygirl · 07/10/2019 16:59

Seriously, and people wonder why anxiety among young people is on the increase. It is seriously stupid parenting to be so dramatic with young children, just teaches then to be frightened rather than resilient.
Kidnap is not a threat in this Country. I despair at the lack of common sense of people who are parents.
OP YANBU.

FieldsOf · 07/10/2019 17:00

YANBU!!!!

WanderingMind · 07/10/2019 17:01

Wtf? Round the corner inside the supermarket? And people actually think this is a reasonable fear and a reasonable thing to say to an 8yo?

An 8-year-old girl was raped in a supermarket toilets where I used to live a few years ago so no, even in a supermarket children may not be safe. Her mum was waiting for her outside. Sad

WanderingMind · 07/10/2019 17:03

Sorry, she was 11. Just checked.

Mrsjayy · 07/10/2019 17:03

Maybe she was kidding her on? However i do hate the badman will get you spiel I hear frequently or that lady will tell you off this lady is minding her own keep me out of it !

Mrsjayy · 07/10/2019 17:06

Sorry meant to add Yanbu but as i said maybe she was winding her dd up.

Love51 · 07/10/2019 17:07

My 6 year old would choose great cheese but would actually be worried if I said this. But I know this about him, so I wouldn't say it. I think this is one of those things we shouldn't tell other people's kids, but our own, meh.
I hate it when strangers tell my 8 to yo stop climbing trees (and when she was younger, climbing frames!) 'coz you'll fall'. It isn't true, plus I trust her to know her limits. And that trust has been earned not given.
Not all kids are the same.

Cornettoninja · 07/10/2019 17:07

I get where the mum was coming from tbh. She’s explaining, (most likely) one of the reasons she didn’t want them wandering around. It’s not one I’d use myself but at 8 I would expect the whole ‘stranger danger’ concept to not be news to a child.

But then I tell my dd that she’ll get squished in the road if she doesn’t hold my hand/look both ways/wait for the green man. I’ve tried dancing round the issue with abstract ‘be carefuls’ and the message doesn’t get through so to be honest I want her to be respectfully nervous if the road until she learns how to navigate them properly.

EmmiJay · 07/10/2019 17:14

Tuh. At least the child asked if they could go. My DD would just appear with the cheese and a smile🙄

BackforGood · 07/10/2019 17:17

@FizzyIce - I think the OP was just wondering if this was 'usual'. She didn't confront the person in the shop - she's been pondering something she heard and came on here to ask for other people's opinions

My mum used to say she wasn’t worried I’d be kidnapped because they’d soon bring me back

Yeah mine too Grin

Does seem ridiculous to not be encouraging your child to help and have a teeny weeny bit of 'independence' by 7 or 8, IMO, though

Amanduh · 07/10/2019 17:17

Imagine being concerned about someone saying this. Honestly. Fucks sake. It’s not going to cause anxiety. Or mental health problems. Or anything else. It’s a quick phrase a parent used in the bloody supermarket to stop their child going off for whatever reason. Children aren’t traumatised by that.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 07/10/2019 17:25

Seriously, and people wonder why anxiety among young people is on the increase. It is seriously stupid parenting to be so dramatic with young children, just teaches then to be frightened rather than resilient.

I'm 34. This isn't some new modern phenomenon. I recall being told I'd be kidnapped if I wandered off. I'd die if I didn't wear a coat and I'd go blind if I sat too close to the TV... I didn't grow up to be some anxiety filled adult who feared death around every corner.

jennymanara · 07/10/2019 17:36

I think it does fuel anxiety in kids who are more prone to it.

dayswithaY · 07/10/2019 17:43

I work in retail and I get the rage when a parent points at me and says "Stop running away or that lady will tell you off." They flash me a smile to get me to play along with their genius child rearing technique. I want to say:

  1. Parent your own child, I have work to do.
  2. Now your child thinks I am an Evil Bitch.
  3. If I dared to tell your child off for their disruptive behaviour in this shop, you would rip my head off, but this time it's ok?
  4. Make yourself the authority figure here, not a stranger in a shop.

I normally just say "I don't tell other peoples' children off."

Parents , please stop doing this in shops as it marks you out as a dick.

BlingLoving · 07/10/2019 17:45

I find this level of hysteria and paranoia extremely annoying. the problem is that she could have been joking, but I suspect, having spoken to a lot of parents over the years, that she meant it.

There's this weird idea that if we let our children out of our sight for 1 minute, they will immediately fall prey to the worst of society. And it's not that I am unrealistic that these situations do happen and there are bad people around, but the vast bulk of people are perfectly good and we need to teach our children to be independent.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 07/10/2019 17:48

My mum used to threaten to shove me down the plug hole.

‘But I won’t fit’ I once said
‘You will if I mince you up first...’

It was (and still is) a family joke. No one ever got mincer or shoved down a plughole (to the best of my l knowledge).

LolaSmiles · 07/10/2019 17:50

But then I tell my dd that she’ll get squished in the road if she doesn’t hold my hand/look both ways/wait for the green man. I’ve tried dancing round the issue with abstract ‘be carefuls’ and the message doesn’t get through so to be honest I want her to be respectfully nervous if the road until she learns how to navigate them properly.
But that's sensible.
You're saying to do X Y Z in order to remain safe on the road because a likely consequence of not following road safety is a bump, or worse.

Saying you can't go round the corner in a supermarket in case you get kidnapped is ridiculous.

ShinyGiratina · 07/10/2019 17:53

A normally developing 7-8 yo is perfectly capable of walking into a nearby aisle to get something. At 8, council swimning pools are happy for 8yos to be unsupervised if they are competant swimmers and there's much more hazard potential there than a supermarket.

Kidnap/ missing child is quite a primal parental fear, but the reality is supermarkets are very safe places and well monitored for security. A child of that age should be well trained to not randomly go off with other people, and they're not exactly portable to lug off against their free will!

We do need to rebalance safeguarding and developing children's independence. It's a bit of an eye rolly comment and I'm sure I've made many over the years too Wink

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 07/10/2019 17:53

I probably wouldn't have gone to the extreme as using the threat of kidnapping as a deterrent but I have been known to say
"If you don't wear your seatbelt mummy will get put in prison" etc

Isitnearlyweekend · 07/10/2019 18:00

Want a stupid mother. I totally agree with speaking to your kids about safety but this is ridiculous.

Mind you I once saw Geri Halliwell in the London transport museum with her daughter when she was about five years old. Geri was screaming at the kid who had run off ahead of her that a strange man would come and steal her away. She actually used those words.

DCIRozHuntley · 07/10/2019 19:53

I wouldn't say it as I have an anxious daughter who would read too much into it. Also it's highly unlikely. I'd be more likely to say "Oh no stay with me, please. Would you mind pushing the trolley for a moment?" I don't like using scary situations as a threat or deterrent.

DCIRozHuntley · 07/10/2019 19:54

I also think a 7 or 8 year old is more than capable of being within shouting distance of a parent instead of directly with them.