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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your theories on why a grown man is a pushover when it comes to his family

43 replies

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 15:26

Do any of you have spouses who become complete pushovers when it comes to their family? Why are they such pushovers with their family?

It doesn't matter they didn't get me anything for my birthday we should still send them a birthday present.
It doesn't matter they didn't do anything for my birthday we should still travel to see them at Mil's house for their birthday.
We should buy the expensive gift they have asked for even if they will get us tat we don't want in return.
They should be able to visit whichever day they want.
They should be able to stay the night if they want.
It's just the way she is and she cares to his overly involved controlling mother.

Its the main thing we argue about.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 07/10/2019 15:30

You've answered your own question.

"Overly involved controlling mother".

If he's been raised in a dysfunctional / abusive environment, it's not a surprise that he continues to exhibit such behaviour as an adult.

Hesafriendfromwork · 07/10/2019 15:32

The same reason women do the same.

Brought up and conditioned into thinking this way.

It's like saying why do some people put up with their partners behaving like this. Usually because they have been brought up to accept people not prioritising them

Raphael34 · 07/10/2019 15:33

He’s been brought up to be scared of his mother. That doesn’t just go away when you become an adult. She’ll always get the final say if he can’t stand up to her. My oh was the same. The situation escalated until we nearly broke up. There was just no reasoning with his mother, so I gave him the ultimatum of me and the children going nc with her or he was going to lose us. We haven’t spoken to her for over 5 years now. I ant even describe how much nicer our lives are without her in it

ChilledBee · 07/10/2019 15:34

So hubby shouldn't buy his mum/sister/cousin a birthday present because they didn't buy you one?

HJWT · 07/10/2019 15:35

It's like saying why do some people put up with their partners behaving like this.

Exactly 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 15:35

He isn't a people pleaser when it comes to me. Doesn't matter if what his family wants is inconvenient for his wife.

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 07/10/2019 15:36

This is the second time today that I’m telling someone to read up on FOG (fear-obligation-guilt) re: their husband’s actions. Here’s the link:
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

The example they use of how a mother would use it against her children is a mother saying, “ You can't possibly care about me if you won't come to Christmas Dinner.” Does MIL do this, or otherwise imply it somehow?

The long and short of it is that your husband feels that he is responsible for his family’s feelings (he’s not), they continue to make him feel like he is (he’s not), and he is more “scared” of upsetting them than he is of upsetting you, because he feels that your love is unconditional and theirs is conditional (it is), as indicated by how they treat you both (horribly) and how you’re expected to treat them (like gold).

I don’t know enough about the members of his family and how they act, but this is often why this situation occurs.

Of course, there are situations where a man is just still tied to his mother’s apron strings and he cares more about her than his wife BUT that doesn’t sound like your situation, because in those situations, the husband is treated like a prince by the MIL in question who would usually prefer the wife actually leave so she could have her son “back.”

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 15:36

ChilledBee no didn't buy him one

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 07/10/2019 15:38

It's the behaviour they learned in childhood that enabled them to cope at the time. Children don't have a means of escape from their parents, they have to get along with them no matter what. This is the behaviour your spouse has learned that made living with their family most bearable.

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 15:38

RightYesButNo thanks for the link. That is my Mil, emotional blackmail regarding things like Christmas

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/10/2019 15:39

I don't think it would enter my head not to buy anything or do anything for my dad's birthday, because he didn't buy or do anything for my DH's Confused

Lockheart · 07/10/2019 15:39

OP he's not a people pleaser, he's been conditioned to do what his mother wants through a dysfunctional (possibly abusive) childhood. That's a powerful thing and not easy to break free of.

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 15:42

Ops sorry wasn't clear, it's not doing anything or getting anything for his birthday

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 07/10/2019 15:44

To me it is clear that he doesn't want to interact with his family in the way that you would like. They mean too much to him. He would be better suited to a wife who wants more of an integrated family life

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 15:45

His dad (divorced from mil), aunt (not mil's sister) and cousin get him nothing but according to Mil we should get them something

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 15:46

Didn't you know all this before you got married? Did you think he'd magically change?

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 15:49

ChilledBee I would be fine with a more integrated family life if they didn't expect more from him than they give. If they weren't controlling or used emotional blackmail to get their way.

OP posts:
Rachelover60 · 07/10/2019 15:55

Women are often the same with their families!

I don't understand why they all expect something special for their birthdays but don't do anything for your husbands or yours. Have you tried to broach the subject with the in laws - gently? I'd have thought the least they could do would be take him out for a meal and buy you some flowers.

Your husband isn't actually doing anything wrong, in fact he is being 'the bigger person', however he has to be fair to you and put you first. Try to impress that upon him (he may think he does, some people have absolutely no insight into their own relationships).

Also, it can't be like that all year round. Enjoy the times when it isn't.

Geppili · 07/10/2019 16:11

Your post spoke to me directly. I was once a spouse who could not stand up to my mother. It is four years since her death and I am still frightened of displeasing her.

She was dictatorial and capricious. Anyone apart from our family of origin was vilified. She always expected us to spend Christmas with them, even when I married and had in laws. She corrupted her dc very young with the lure and promise of money. She could reduce me to a gibbering wreck with a look. She physically and morally chastised us and then might lovebomb us. She didn't speak to me for a month, when once I dared to just look defiantly at her. I was 7. Just typing about her makes me shake, and she is dead!

I wish I had liberated myself from her years ago! It was my DDH who helped me. Your husband is in fear and dread and FOG of her because she has a narcissistic aspect to her personality. As other posters have said your husband learned to please her above all else. Not to get care and unconditional love, but to protect himself against her catastrophic rage and rejection.

PM if it helps.

Geppili · 07/10/2019 16:17

Is it like this all year round?

Seaweed42 · 07/10/2019 16:42

Your DH has never probably separated from his mother. His mother does not recognise you two as being a separate family of your own.
If she is very controlling, then it is likely she treats people as objects to manage her feelings rather than see them as persons in their own right. Her children are used to make her feel good about herself.
You need to do a LOT of work on the boundaries.
Keep using phrases like 'we prefer this at OUR house, don't we DH?' or Buy time by postponing your answer with 'Can I come back to on that?'
It is likely she used emotional manipulation with her kids such as 'oh you are not my friend anymore if you do that'. It's still going on today.

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 17:05

Geppili thanks for the reply. That's truly awful. Not speaking to your 7 year old child for a month, I'm speechless.

It's like it every time we see his mother. She will talk to us like children. She phones him often, trying to boss him around and guilt him into doing things. Asking for detailed information on our personal lives. She thinks she has a say on every aspect of our lives. Guilt trips, emotional blackmail, silent treatment and bribes to try to get what she wants.

OP posts:
ConceputilsingApparantly · 07/10/2019 17:17

Indoctrination into not questioning unreasonable behaviour from an early age I guess. My DH is like that.

I'm with you on the presents. Each year, we get asked for something ever more ridiculously expensive. Last year it was a holiday to China to walk the Great Wall. Wanted us to contribute £500!

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 17:32

Last year it was a holiday to China to walk the Great Wall. Wanted us to contribute £500! ShockShock was that PIL? Hope you said no

OP posts:
ConceputilsingApparantly · 07/10/2019 17:35

Last year it was a holiday to China to walk the Great Wall. Wanted us to contribute £500! was that PIL? Hope you said no

Didn't even bother replying (the request came via email). Its upsetting that they asked though.