Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask for your theories on why a grown man is a pushover when it comes to his family

43 replies

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 15:26

Do any of you have spouses who become complete pushovers when it comes to their family? Why are they such pushovers with their family?

It doesn't matter they didn't get me anything for my birthday we should still send them a birthday present.
It doesn't matter they didn't do anything for my birthday we should still travel to see them at Mil's house for their birthday.
We should buy the expensive gift they have asked for even if they will get us tat we don't want in return.
They should be able to visit whichever day they want.
They should be able to stay the night if they want.
It's just the way she is and she cares to his overly involved controlling mother.

Its the main thing we argue about.

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 07/10/2019 17:39

Does he want to do those things though? Maybe he buys the gifts because he likes too. Maybe he doesn’t have a problem with not receiving a gift.. maybe he likes an open house?
FWIW my mum/dad is welcome at my house whenever they want. as is my ex mil.

Original poster

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 17:45

maybe he likes an open house easy to like that when your wife does all the cooking and cleaning. I'm the one that has to clean the house in preparation for visitors. I would have to do all the prep, laundry, cleaning and cooking for overnight guests. I'm a sahm so I guess it's my job but I don't want more work

OP posts:

Original poster

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 17:52

ConceputilsingApparantly I'm amazed anyone has the brass neck to ask for that much for a gift.

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 07/10/2019 17:52

maybe he likes an open house easy to like that when your wife does all the cooking and cleaning. I'm the one that has to clean the house in preparation for visitors. I would have to do all the prep, laundry, cleaning and cooking for overnight guests. I'm a sahm so I guess it's my job but I don't want more work

So you have a lazy arse man problem.

Geppili · 07/10/2019 19:15

No, I don't think Op does. The real issue is how he cannot assert himself with his mother. He may be lazy around house, but what is soul destroying to Op is the fact that he always prioritises his mother's capricious wishes. His Mother knows no boundaries because there were no boundaries. She comes when she wants etc etc

Original poster

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 07/10/2019 19:30

Yeah that is the real issue my dh cannot assert himself with his mother and always prioritises her capricious wishes.
When I put my foot down their is always an argument. When I was very ill one weekend I had to put my foot down about mil visiting, he just couldn't see why she could not visit. I have had them turn up unannounced in the past and they complained that I didn't come downstairs to welcome them. I'm always the bad guy

OP posts:

Rockybalboa2 · 07/10/2019 19:51

This is can relate to. My Mil does think the sun shines out of my DH backside but so do I. However Mil is the 3rd person in our marriage and I feel like an outsider. She is queen of the passive aggressive so very hard to get a handle on it. She never does anything wrong except steer what we do and when. Previously she has been outright unpleasant and stuck up, but this stopped funnily enough when she got ill. Coincidence maybe? Anyway my husband will not ever stand up to his family on my behalf. I've eaten a lot of shit from them for not being good enough over the years which affected my ability to be a good parent to my children. They made me feel horrendous at times. I have now stopped expecting my husband to defend me and just ignore them and the hurtful comments. Nearly killed my marriage quite possibly it will at some point. I would strongly advise disengaging and rememberoding who you used to be before your in laws.

Rockybalboa2 · 07/10/2019 19:53

Erm remembering that is...

ChilledBee · 07/10/2019 20:00

But has he ever said that he would prefer she didn't behave in this way?

dustybluebell · 07/10/2019 20:20

Rocky... I always say that about my marriage too. For the 20 years we have been together...she is like the 3rd person in our marriage. There's alot that went on in childhood and he never wanted to 'disappoint' He wants to be the 'good catholic boy' He still feels that now even though his mums gone in a home and she isn't so demanding of his time, he still feels the guilt and visits her in the home 3 to 4 times a week. I wish he'd go to counselling, but honestly he doesn't see a problem and gets very angry if I mention anything about it, so over the years I've learned to keep quiet. (Put up and shut up) The one time I said something he told be quite clearly to keep my nose out of his relationship with his mother!

dustybluebell · 07/10/2019 20:22

Sorry to hijack the post. No advice I'm afraid, but I know where you're coming from.

Geppili · 07/10/2019 21:09

Allthe I feel for you. Mother indoctrinated us with the belief that our FOO (Family of origin) is, was and always will be the most important. Mother's attitude to my DDH was he and his family were inferior, insignificant and without any claim on us and our DC. Indeed she bitterly resented our beautiful DCs! She once said that she thought I loved my eldest too much and that this was compromising our relationship. He was 5 months old!

My childhood was blighted by fear of the adults who brought me up. It has taken her very sudden death to gradually crawl up the deep dark well of her conditioning. I used to only ever whisper to my husband when I talked about her, because even as a grown woman and mother, I believed she had ears everywhere.

Thanks for being kind about my being sent to Coventry, which is what she called it. It was an extremely long and humiliating month. It makes me cry even mo, if I let it. I was aching all her life to love me but she never could. I am 50. However much your husband complies and appeases she will not love him properly. His focus should be on lovely you and yours.

stmichelle123 · 07/10/2019 23:07

Unfortunately, he was conditioned to be this way by his mother and FOO. It's not about gift giving although that is obnoxious and rude when you give gifts at Christmas and they give you nothing. Buy whatever you want on that matter. If they ask for something that is at a price rate you are comfortable paying fine. If not, well it's the thought that counts. Neither my husband or I get Christmas gifts and he didn't receive a birthday gift this year. I still buy them a little thing at Christmas bc it's polite. I also know we're not getting anything from them and I keep that in mind.
Now to the important overall issue. Not being able to stand up to your mother is weak. My husband and I have been going through this for 3 long years and have been in counseling for 3 months thank the Lord. For years he told me it was a cultural difference (he's Filipino who was raised here in the US). And for years I told him that narcessistic behavior is not cultural bc it's everywhere. Therapy has provided him with the strength to address the issues based in how feels about it. Once we become adults, we are not children to our parents, they are our peers. I'm a military brat and growing up their were lots of rules, expectations, yes ma'ams and no sirs. I still do that out of habit and respect for others BUT my parents didn't raise me to be subservient to others needs, demands or feelings including their own. I was not raised by people who use guilt to manipulate me or for any reason. I was raised to address when someone is doing something I don't like, respectfully and to resolve issues. His idea of loyalty and respect is don't cross your parents. The respect he was taught serves his parents and not him. He is realizing this. He is realizing that putting himself and the family he created first, protecting our family bond is not disloyal. His upbringing of what respect and loyalty is was a tool his mom taught him to preserve her needs. That is not right.
Suggestion: find a therapist who deals with this specifically. We do ours online bc my husband is a chef and works 60 hour weeks. I have a fabulous reference if you would like. He is British and his practice is via web.

RopeBrick · 07/10/2019 23:19

Maybe he just likes his family and you're a total pain in the ass?

If my spouse ever "put the foot down" with me, they'd be out the door.

Countryescape · 08/10/2019 04:41

No idea but my husband is the same with his bloody mother. The most selfish, manipulative, passive aggressive woman that ever lived.

Redrosesandsunsets · 08/10/2019 04:47

.. but what’s your background OP? Why’d you marry him? What were your family like? It sounds like it’s hard to say no. Just say no. Tell him what you want in a husband. Ask if he is married to you or his mother? He has to cut the apron strings and if not see a counsellor/couples therapist. You deserve more but you need to ask for it. Quit putting up with all this.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/10/2019 06:03

You have a lazy and unassertive partner. Also your opinion may not be his - maybe he loves his mum/family and this is just their dynamic and he's fine with it.

Rockybalboa2 · 08/10/2019 19:56

Yes he feels controlled a lot. Ultimately she doesn't trust him to make good decisions. Problem is she is very even tempered so he's not frightened of her in any sense but she thinks she knows what's best. If she hadn't been such a stuck up for the first 10 years I probably wouldn't feel as resentful as I do. Now all our life decisions are dictated by obligations toward her but she really damaged my self esteem for a long while. Anyway what I think op really needs is to know she comes before his mother even if he can't stand up to her. If they can establish a private understanding to that effect they might overcome the intrusive nature of the family?

Flip

1 2