Privacy/personal space and mum

[Wwydplz]

Hi all,

I want to get to the bottom of something.

I feel very protective of my private and my space in general around my mum to the point where I easily snap. I don’t know what i feel this way.

This might sound like I’m drip feeding but I don’t want to share too much context before I want to know wats generically the norm in terms of boundaries. Me and mum don’t have healthy boundaries and am working on it but it’s one reason why I’m easily ticked off.

So am I unreasonable:

1- if I get annoyed that mum helps herself into my bedroom when the door is locked. There are many rooms open and she could’ve asked me as I was in the room getting dressed. But she just helped herself in. My room was untidy and full of laundry which is why I kept it closed and I do feel judged by her. But also, I don’t think my DH likes it if my mum goes in as i know I personally don’t like his mum entering our room without permission (because she snoops in our private drawers). She is also not comfortable with my DH entering her private room. But I freely entered her room in her house... until someone moved in with her and that space belonged to someone else too and so I wouldn’t go into her bedroom without asking. Is that OTT?

2- my mum would ask me where something is in the kitchen, and I would tell her.. and instead she would go open every single drawer and it really feels as if she is trying to make herself at home. Which I would’ve been fine if she just asked me “can I look how you organised your drawers”. Most my drawers are organised but I genuinely feel like she is curious about how organized or messy I am and I feel scrutinized. She has a habit of looking for flaws and putting me down. Sometimes I think it’s just curiousity. Again I freely open her cabinets in her kitchen and help her organise them.. but I’ve lived in her house all my life until I moved out with DH.

I don’t want my mum feeling like a guest and not welcomed as such. But she hardly ever visits me... once every few months after me insisting that I can’t keep coming to hers and only because she wants to see the DC. Never helps me.. even when I’m desperate.. and so I Male sure everything is spotless when she is here.. and I feel quite threatened when she is curiously exploring areas she knows I’m hiding away from her..

Reason why I’m asking is becshse I want to know whether the issue is me so I sort out my expectations. I would’ve liked to have a relationship with mum where we don’t act like strangers but truth is I feel protective of my personal life and space and I’m not sure how to handle it sensibly because of the way she puts me down.

I feel bad for not making her “feel at home” as much as she would like to.

What would u do?

Not asking before going into your and your husband's bedroom is rude unless you have previously said it's OK. Rifling through your drawers is beyond the pale.

It's the criticism and putting you down that you need to address.

That's abusive behaviour and i doubt you are ever going to have the relationship that you'd like.

She should absolutely not be going into your bedroom unless you've asked her to.

I think she's probably trampled in your boundaries growing up and that's why you struggle.

What is her reasoning behind going into your bedroom? Even if it wasn’t locked she has no reason to be in there!

She has a habit of looking for flaws and putting me down.

This is the crux of it. I was happy for mum to go anywhere in my house because she knew I am a messy nightmare and was only lovely and supportive. If I felt judged I'd be very uncomfortable.

Gimp mask on the pillow should do it.
Child lock on the drawers.
And tell her why...
.

Going into your bedroom uninvited is outrageous. Like you, I am very private, and my bedroom (that I share with my husband), is off limits. One time many years ago, my MIL was visiting and I caught her snooping in our bedroom. I was furious and I thought my husband was going to explode he was so angry. I HATE nosy people.

@Aquamarine1029 One time many years ago, my MIL was visiting and I caught her snooping in our bedroom.

WTF is wrong with these people?! What do they hope to find in other people’s bedrooms?

My mother sounds a lot like the OP’s, but my MIL is the worst. Snoops through everything, opens mail, needs to know every little detail of our lives... Which is one of the reasons I moved as far away from her as possible.

I just can’t fathom what they hope to achieve by the snooping. Makes me so angry!

She is completely over stepping boundaries, and it is completely out of 'the norm' to be going into other people's bedrooms when you are a guest in someone's house.

The kitchen drawer thing I couldn't get worked up about - it is communal space.

What you do about it, however, I'm less able to advise you about.

So to be fair on hair the reason she went into my bedroom is because she wanted somewhere quiet to take a private phone call. Sorry I should’ve said as that’s relevant. It wasn’t to snoop.

But she has done this almost every visit. and almost every visit she can see I’m uncomfortable with it. She chooses to go into my bedroom to speak to people so it’s not an urgent or an emergency thing and certainly no reason for her to not be able to ask me first if it’s ok.

I told her why you entering just go to the other room? And she still barged in and said it’s because this is the quietest room.

Her intention isn’t to snoop in my drawers, but she is very nosey and wants to see the state of the room and i guess she just sees it as since I’m her daughter I shouldn’t really treat her like a stranger.

She thinks I’m the issue

to be fair on her lol typo

Do some mothers just find it hard to accept that their daughters are adults with their own opinions and liver ?? Does it make them insecure about their age or something??

Sounds like a power game to me, OP. She knows you don’t want her to go in there but she does it anyway. She is totally disrespecting your wishes and your privacy, over and over. Seriously, how many “private” calls does she need to make? Why does she need to make them at your home? Or in that particular room? It’s nonsense. You need to stand up to her.

Put a lock on the door. Some people just won't be told.

She doesn’t seem to realise how disrespectful she is being and is convinced I’m “snappy” and “oversensitive”.

I don’t understand why she would take something like this personal.

I’ve spoken to her before and told her that me and DH have certain privacy preferences.. I was very very polite. I don’t know why It’s very hard for her to accept that I have my own personal life which doesn’t really involve her or her opinions.

Things have been very very tense between us for few months and this visit was me giving out an olive branch.. she knows I have sensitivities around her lack of boundaries (generally speaking).

So I do think she is being intentionally dismissive of how I feel about her intrusion. I think that’s why I feel so ticked off because this highlights bigger issues in our relationship. Her lack of willingness to listen and appreciate what I need and respect my feelings/wishes.

Do some mothers just find it hard to accept that their daughters are adults with their own opinions and lives Yes, it's difficult. For the best part of 20 years you have brought this person up, starting with doing everything for them, then taking a close interest in the most private parts of their life as you try to train them into good habits, and then you have to rein back over the course of a couple of years. It is hard.

OP: If you don't want her going through your kitchen drawers, I suggest you pay her similar respect and stop treating her house as your own. You want her to shake of the mother-daughter dynamic and treat you as an independent adult; you need to shake it off too, and make it clear you've moved out. But she shouldn't be going through your drawers and she certainly shouldn't be wandering into your bedroom.

Of course it's not difficult.
My dd is 20 and lives at home.
My ds is 23 and lives at home. I wouldn't go into either of their rooms without knocking and waiting to be invited.
The fact that the OP is married, and living in her own home IN WHICH HER MOTHER IS A GUEST , means it is obvious you don't go in her room unless specifically invited on a particular occasion by the OP, for some reason.

To give some context, once she was sleeping over I’m the guest room and me and DH were asleep in our bedroom.. she woke up very early (she usually does) and we were still asleep.

She entered our room, without knocking, to help herself to some hair clips from my dressing table.. She was tiptoeing.

DH was shocked and so was I. Obviously I woke up as I’m a sensitive sleeper. And she rushed out.

So I spoke to her about it and told her that this isn’t really right or fair on DH. She was flustered and said she just needed something urgently. I told her next time to knock and waking us up was better than risking seeing us in an inappropriate situation.

She didn’t create drama but she doesn’t seem to have registered it at all..

I don’t know i think it’s partly that we aren’t being clear about boundaries.. DH tends to be really nice and when he sees she already entered he doesn’t like to cause a fuss.. but I know he doesn’t like it but just doesn’t show it..

I take it upon myself because it’s my own mother.. and I should place those boundaries.

But she seems to think that I’m making an issue out of nothing and that DH doesn’t mind and it’s just me trying to make her uncomfortable.

She knows you’re sensitive about boundaries yet she still barges into your bedroom? Definitely her pissing on ‘her’ territory. Next time, you tell her you and your dh do not want her going into your bedroom. Simple. She can take a call elsewhere.

I’m trying to figure out what is going on in her head so I can feel less annoyed and more rational when discussing boundaries with her.

I think installing the lock is the easiest option tbh

She walked into your room with you both sleeping? That is outrageous in someone else’s house. Absolutely not on. I would have screamed!

Fit a lock on the bedroom door. Problem solved.
Who cares about the kitchen drawers. If she rakes through as though you are a teenager and says anything like why’d you put your spoons in here they should be over there (or whatever) don’t engage. A quick “aye, just leave them alone” or a “whatever” said with no interest at all the way teenagers do (she’s treating you like one, why not piss her off like one) should suffice. If she moves anything after being told then don’t invite her round again and tell her why. Nosey old buffer.

She sounds domineering and controlling, you need to have firm boundaries to counter this behaviour locks on doors etc should do the trick 😊

I’m really struggling to see her as domineering and controlling. That’s not her nature with everyone else. It’s just her relationship with me and her understanding of mother-daughter bond being a bit screwed up.

Or it might be something subconscious..

I do suspect there is a bit of a hidden jealousy/competitiveness going on with mum as she is slightly emotionally immature and had a very bad marriage and always wanted to have s nice house but life was a bit shit to her. I think she has a genuine need to see my flaws so she can make herself feel better about her life..