Privacy/personal space and mum

[Wwydplz]

Hi all,

I want to get to the bottom of something.

I feel very protective of my private and my space in general around my mum to the point where I easily snap. I don’t know what i feel this way.

This might sound like I’m drip feeding but I don’t want to share too much context before I want to know wats generically the norm in terms of boundaries. Me and mum don’t have healthy boundaries and am working on it but it’s one reason why I’m easily ticked off.

So am I unreasonable:

1- if I get annoyed that mum helps herself into my bedroom when the door is locked. There are many rooms open and she could’ve asked me as I was in the room getting dressed. But she just helped herself in. My room was untidy and full of laundry which is why I kept it closed and I do feel judged by her. But also, I don’t think my DH likes it if my mum goes in as i know I personally don’t like his mum entering our room without permission (because she snoops in our private drawers). She is also not comfortable with my DH entering her private room. But I freely entered her room in her house... until someone moved in with her and that space belonged to someone else too and so I wouldn’t go into her bedroom without asking. Is that OTT?

2- my mum would ask me where something is in the kitchen, and I would tell her.. and instead she would go open every single drawer and it really feels as if she is trying to make herself at home. Which I would’ve been fine if she just asked me “can I look how you organised your drawers”. Most my drawers are organised but I genuinely feel like she is curious about how organized or messy I am and I feel scrutinized. She has a habit of looking for flaws and putting me down. Sometimes I think it’s just curiousity. Again I freely open her cabinets in her kitchen and help her organise them.. but I’ve lived in her house all my life until I moved out with DH.

I don’t want my mum feeling like a guest and not welcomed as such. But she hardly ever visits me... once every few months after me insisting that I can’t keep coming to hers and only because she wants to see the DC. Never helps me.. even when I’m desperate.. and so I Male sure everything is spotless when she is here.. and I feel quite threatened when she is curiously exploring areas she knows I’m hiding away from her..

Reason why I’m asking is becshse I want to know whether the issue is me so I sort out my expectations. I would’ve liked to have a relationship with mum where we don’t act like strangers but truth is I feel protective of my personal life and space and I’m not sure how to handle it sensibly because of the way she puts me down.

I feel bad for not making her “feel at home” as much as she would like to.

What would u do?

She entered our room, without knocking, to help herself to some hair clips from my dressing table.. She was tiptoeing.

For fuck's sake. Unless the house was on fire and she was alerting us, I would have sent her packing. Hair clips my arse.

I do suspect there is a bit of a hidden jealousy/competitiveness going on with mum

A definite possibility. My mother has taken up various recreational pursuits of mine (eg yoga) over the years which I thought was great. However, she’s somehow tried to claim them as her own in order to lecture me on technique then gets visibly upset that I’m “better” than she is. I have relative youth and years more practise on my side but she doesn’t see it that way. Just gets peeved she can’t do what I can.

My career had also been far more diverse and successful than hers which upsets her. She knows I’m not happy in my current job though so undermines my work and position in every conversation. I’ll never forget the time a few years ago when I was very, very unhappy with my job and was being badly bullied. She knew this. Out of the blue I was headhunted by a talent scout for an amazing job (sadly missed out as they recruited in house). I stupidly told her and she got really angry and said she didn’t know why anyone would approach me when there were “thousands” of better options around than me. Appalling.

It’s easily said than done but you shouldn’t take your mother’s issues on board, OP. She’s been an adult longer than you have so she’s had plenty of time to work on herself and stop projecting all her issues into you. You can only make sure you protect yourself with better boundaries. Sad you should have to lock things up to prevent her prying, but do it. And that includes your thoughts. Once I learned about grey rock technique things got easier with my mother.

she got really angry and said she didn’t know why anyone would approach me when there were “thousands” of better options around than me.

that’s very harsh.

To be fair another alternative than jealousy/competitiveness is that she perhaps sees me as a reflection of her and is a bit living her life through me and so can’t stand to feel like I’m separating her from my life or doing things where she can’t take any credit for and feels like I’m going on a tangent whether good or bad.

As I said, all I want is for her to treat me like an adult. But I guess sad truth is she was never treated like an adult so perhaps she just doesn’t know how that feels and what it requires. She is a bit emotionally stunted form the neglect/abuse she suffered since childhood.

Makes it very sad to be honest.

She is an amazing person in so many ways.. just a bit obsessive about making my life here.

I guess she feels entitled because she “gave up her life” so I can have a better life.. and so she feels entitled to share it.

I totally relate to her copying you in what you are doing. Sigh I got many similar examples. But I’d say, I’m not sure why my mum does it but I think again it’s because she has never explored how to live Her life and is using me as a guide now.

Ahhh I wish I had an open adult type of communication with her where she wouldn’t get edgy or sensitive or dramatic and in fact be interested in listening.

She knows how she is affecting me and that’s I’m upset.. it’s just that she doesn’t see me as entitled to those feelings because hers seems to be the only ones that matter.

Sigh..

I wish we could reach a middle ground. I’m willing to compromise to salvage the relationship but just want to know what’s going on in her head..

She crosses way too many boundaries and is behaving so desperate to be living in my pocket..

you are being far too polite and restrained, which is causing more stress. also don't waste your energy trying to figure her out; it doesn't matter why she behaves like this, you just need to stand firm.
how about saying,
"our bedroom is strictly off limits at all times forever to you, unless the house is on fire. if you want a sex show, go to soho."
don't discuss, don't digress, repeat, broken record style.

I do find it difficult to put my feelings and needs first and dismiss hers.

I guess I’m her daughter and she sees me as a source of support and as such... I want to find a solution that works for us both and takes into consideration her feelings and mine. I know she isn’t being malicious, she is just a bit childish and doesn’t think.

In this example I guess I will just install a lock and pick my battles.. about the kitchen I guess I’ll just bloody organise it and when she opens them up to scrutinise (usually Infront of my husband because she wants him to validate that she gets credit for “teaching me” how to have a spotless house- she is old fashioned like that and really craves Male approval for her self esteem.. arghhh).

I just want to find a non provocative, non dramatic, sensible way to have a discussion where it will highlight to her the importance of taking me seriously and my opinions and feelings and boundaries..

She doesn’t believe in anything called boundaries.

you have to behave like an adult in relation to your mother. you are far too deferential in your attitude.
also you are not her therapist.
stop trying to analyse her. live your own life. you are almost trying to live hers for her, just what you complain she is doing to you.
it is all unhealthily enmeshed.
it is your responsibility to live your own life like an adult. it's as if you are longing for your mother to see sense and acknowledge your feelings, and admit you are entitled to them.
this is a waste of time, and mistaken. you need to step away from this dynamic, or else eventually your marriage could suffer.
your primary, chosen, relationship now is to your husband.
you need to form a united front.
you cannot sort out your mother's problems for her; she hasn't even asked you to. just be yourself. you are not responsible for her or her behaviour. you are beginning to obsess over it, that's unhealthy.
strong fences make good neighbours.

alexdgr8

Makes sense what you say. Didn’t realise I was contributing to the dynamic

I guess I just wanted to understand why my boundary isn’t working and the route of her issue In dismissing it.. so I can meet Her maybe half way.. but still assert my need for privacy and boundary and letting her know she can address her issues in other ways

Agree that you shouldn’t be trying to work her out. I know the feeling well! You want to badly to find a solution, but that comes from both sides. You can’t do it on your own. Even if you did manage to work her out you can’t fix her. That’s her job.

I guess she feels entitled because she “gave up her life” so I can have a better life.. and so she feels entitled to share it.

That statement right there is her blaming you for her situation, right? It all feeds into the fear, obligation and guilt that traps you in this circular thinking that it’s your job to please her. She didn’t give up her life. She CHOSE to have kids. There are a lot of circumstances people can’t change, but healthy people make the most of their circumstances. They often thrive. Sharing your life is fine, but only possible if she knows and cares where to draw the line.

Also, most parents believe having kids adds to your life. I gave up a lot to have mine and mourn the loss of those things at times, but wouldn’t give up my son for anything. And no way could I ever imagine trying to make him feel guilty and obligated to me because of what I did give up!

Ime my dm wanted to show dh it was me and her that had the most important relationship.. She showed zero respect for him as she felt why should she? He was just an add on.
We did split and eventually I went nc with her. She seemed to want me a lp, relying on her only. I didn't rely on her but she liked to think I did.
She played the woe is me card many many times.
Acted like a teenager most of the time regarding flouncing and silent treatment.
Life is fab without her. Truly.

To be honest I think I’m contributing to this weird dynamic and trying to figure out how. Because my mother isn’t the only person I have this problem with. I see a pattern and the common factor is me and DH.

So I don’t want to unfairly point the blame before I completely figure out my side too.

tympanic I see what you are saying and there is a lot of truth to it. The only thing is that there is a nagging feeling and I won’t lie I had friends and other family members have the same issue with me about privacy and personal space and be completely dismissive of my lack of comfort to the situation. So I think I could do things better frkm my side for the sake of avoiding the same issue again and again.

I’ve called the locksmith today and hopefully we will have a lock before her next visit. I’m just now trying to figure out why it is that I struggle to be taken seriously and heard. Which is causing me to bottle up resentment and anxiety.

Windydaysuponus

Sigh.. I have no advice aside from saying this must’ve been so mentally exhausting I’m glad to know you reclaimed control in the end. I think some mothers really take their children’s independence as a personal insult. Hard to figure this one out!

I’m mostly angry because I feel like I’m failing myself and family by not being able to communicate in a way that’s effective and doesn’t result in more drama.

Yes, but everyone on this thread has said it’s unacceptable for your mother (or anyone) to enter your bedroom.

Secondly, if you’re not comfortable with something you need to know you have a right to stand up for yourself. Your opinion matters. What you want matters. Your privacy matters. I am constantly working on myself because I come from a very cold family and I don’t want that for my son. But that doesn’t mean I’ll violate his or anyone else’s privacy to make others feel comfortable.

No one else is more important than I am. We’re equal and if someone is in my house I expect the same level of respect I give them in their own home. They don’t get to violate my home and criticise my parenting/partnership/housekeeping/accounting etc and expect me to stay quiet so THEY won’t feel put out. I used to use the words “pick my battles” a lot too but found I ended up taking it all on the chin anyway because I obviously thought my opinion mattered less than others’. Not anymore.

You matter just the same as your mother any anyone else, OP. Sounds straightforward but it’s not so easy to come to grips with. It’s essential that you do though.

read up on assertiveness. you are trying to over-analyse everything.
just state your position, calmly and firmly and refuse to be distracted into discussing why etc.
it's as if you are waiting for your mother/friends to give you permission to assert your own boundaries. this is contradictory.

you are muddying the waters.
generally people take you at your own estimation.
if you come across as dithering, trying to people-please, agonising over others' perceptions, motivations etc, they will just walk all over you and do what they want because you present no real resistance.
you have a right to assert anything you like regarding your home, you don't have to justify it, or plead for them to consider your feelings etc.
most people probably don't give it a moment's thought. they are not interested in your feelings, how things affect you.

it's not a matter of you needing to explain it better, so that they can understand how things affect you. they don't care.
you need to side-step this habit you've got into, of trying to make them care. you've got care less about what they think.

this is what being an adult is.

don't treat people as if they have power over you and then wonder why they lord it over you. stand up for yourself.

have the confidence to not wait for others to affirm you, except your husband, who does so already. he is your team. the others are periphery; put them in their place, esp when they are in your place.