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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend trying to tell me that she wants to call it a day

29 replies

PupsAndKittens · 06/10/2019 02:18

I am completely aware, that no one has to invite anyone to anything, but am I being unreasonable to fill extremely hurt that my best friend for 15 years has not invited me to their birthday gathering.

My best friend and me are like sisters- that’s what people say. She has just started uni three hours away from where I live. She wanted me up on the first day however I said no. There was drama about this however they soon understood that I couldn’t go as my parents had given me a very awkward ultimatum. I agreed to go up on the following week, however things didn’t turn out the greatest ( thanks mostly to her batshit mum).

Earlier yesterday she started typing a Snapchat however no message came through. I thought it was a bit odd as she only snaps me if she wants to invite me out to do something, but I brushed it off. I thought she was saying at uni for her birthday. At midnight I thought I would ring her to say happy birthday ( I know she would be up because she always Waits for midnight on her birthday and if her birthday falls on a Saturday or Sunday she will always go clubbing to celebrate- I know I’m always there) To see if she was up I thought I would check her Snapchat story and I find out that she and all our friends ( Mutual) are in our local club! Like I said I know no one has to invite anyone but according to This person “I am in the top five most important people in her life” (Others being mum, dad and her two little sisters).

Me and her mum are really not on good terms at the moment so my bet it is SHE who didn’t want me to attend. Friend will do anything her mother says even though she’s an adult.

Just don’t know how to handle the situation. I’m pissed off that she invited all her friends out for her birthday apart from me. Who everyone considers to be her best friend! Sad

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 06/10/2019 02:20

Yeah tbh I'd see that as a personal slight. If it had been she with new uni mates in her uni town I'd say you're being silly.... but in your local with mutual friends she has done it on purpose

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/10/2019 02:21

Yes it’s probably because you’ve fallen out with her mum.

Talk to her calmly in a day or two.

peachgreen · 06/10/2019 02:25

OP, have you posted about her before? From memory she and her mum have taken advantage of you in the past and you'd be better off out of this toxic friendship.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 06/10/2019 02:31

Your parents gave you an ultimatum and her mum is pulling lots of strings behind the scenes?

Why are they so involved? Are you and the friend both very young?

Rachelle11 · 06/10/2019 02:37

It sounds like both of you have controlling parents. How old are you both?

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 06/10/2019 02:44

My parents tried to interfere with my friendship before and after I moved away to University. They recognised that my friend was a bad influence and had been trying for years to get me to see that. They were controlling in their own way but could recognise how my friend would manipulate and bully me to do what suited her regardless of how it affected me.

A bit of distance and space from my family and friend allowed me to see a bit more clearly what was going on so that I was better equipped to stand up for myself and stop being taken advantage of.

Original poster
PupsAndKittens · 06/10/2019 02:48

Yes I have posted about this friend before ( although I now can’t find the post) In all fairness it’s the mum who causes all the problems in our relationship.

She’s has literally just turn 20 and I turn 20 end of this month. I still live at home with my parents as I’m still in sixth form ( illness I have had to keep on resetting and changing courses – however I now I’m in my final year and will hopefully be going onto uni next year) she reset one year after getting bad grades at AS.

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 06/10/2019 02:50

I’m sure all your mutual friends were quite Hmm when they discovered you hadn’t been invited. I wonder how your friend played it? Probably explained it away somehow that made herself look better- like saying you were invited but couldn’t make it.

I’d prolly talk to a couple of those friends and let them know how hurt and surprised you were to be left out. At least salvage your reputation with them. Then I’d distance myself quietly from your best friend and her mum. History with a friend is lovely, but you’d be better off with a new bestie who acts like an adult, and knows the meaning of love. Whatever her problems are, they are hers. They don’t have to be yours. You can’t fix her, so go and live your life. There’s loads of great women out there!

Original poster
PupsAndKittens · 06/10/2019 02:55

I understand why my parents did what they did the other week and I think they had my best interest at heart (if in a slightly overbearing manner). I just really love this Person, so it’s really out of character for her to do this. Also she starting typing but then stopped so I think she was going to invite me but changed her mind or had her mind changed by someone else. Doesn’t make it any less hurtful tho

OP posts:
PenelopeFlintstone · 06/10/2019 02:55

Great advice from Skittlesandbeer.

mokapot · 06/10/2019 02:59

You’re young. When someone shows you their true colours, don’t ignore it love.

Dita73 · 06/10/2019 03:00

She shouldn’t have done that. It’s incredibly nasty and must be very hurtful. I’d wait a few days and then message her. Just ask her why she did it. Tell her it’s really hurt your feelings. See how she responds and if she’s not nice about it then stay away from her. Just promise me that when it’s your birthday, you do exactly the same as she did but with more friends and in a better place! Take loads of pictures and make sure she can see them. She’s done this knowing you’ll see so give her a dose of it back and see how she likes it. Hope you’re ok

Original poster
PupsAndKittens · 06/10/2019 03:01

@Skittlesandbeer thanks a lot that is a really good idea. Thank you for your advice as well

OP posts:
Original poster
PupsAndKittens · 06/10/2019 03:07

@Dita73 thanks, unfortunately I try to organise something for my birthday every year but every year everyone apart from this friend cancels on me!

I can guarantee to everyone, that this person will be in my bad book I can guarantee to everyone, that this person Will not be in my good books for very long time, however me still being a friend to her, well the jury is out

OP posts:
Cordial11 · 06/10/2019 03:07

I remember your other post re not being able to help her move and drive back with her mum for ‘support’

They sounded toxic and controlling! I do think you are better off out of this....

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2019 03:13

I think I was around your age when I really realised that just because you really care about/feel intense loyalty to your best girl mate, doesn't mean they are worthy of it or feel the same.

It hurts like crazy to come to the realisation of how one sided it all was. But that doesn't mean we should continue on the charade. Mum or no mum, if someone was really my best friend, no way would I not invite them to my birthday party. At the very least she could have stayed at uni and parted there. Coming home to have a party and deliberately not inviting you, is cruel.

I don't think she sees you as her best friend. I don't think she considers anyone but herself.

Original poster
PupsAndKittens · 06/10/2019 03:17

@Cordial11 Yep that’s me! Thankfully we moved on from that however, when I went to see her last week it was very stressful- Mostly due to her mother making mountains out of molehills every other second

OP posts:
Cactusmum · 06/10/2019 03:31

Heres a thought.. maybe she started typing out the invite on snapchat and then got distracted and forgot to finish and press send? more likely something an old chook like me would do but is it possible? Prob unlikely but maybe? Ive got some experience with toxic friendships though..and to be honest..evaluate this whole friendship situation and remember that sometimes friendships only last for a season in your life. Sometimes you have to turn a page.

Original poster
PupsAndKittens · 06/10/2019 03:39

I did think (and hoped) that could be a possibility, however I know my friend, and there have been times where that has actually happened or I haven’t opened message and she always rings and clarifies. This is definitely an event where if she wanted me she would’ve definitely made sure that I got an invite one or another. She has knocked on the door and asked if I got the invite in the past, so I do think she unfortunately didn’t want me. And I have checked Snapchat there is definitely no message on their.

OP posts:
LoreleiRock · 06/10/2019 03:59

What was the ultimatum, because it sounds a bit dramatic. I would have been there for my friend on such a momentous occasion.

Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 05:11

For two twenty year olds you both sound as though you're very under parents thumbs.

Perhaps you're better out of it for now, Pups, hurtful as it is. When you go to uni, you'll have a whole new world and new friends.

Chin up.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 06/10/2019 05:18

Huge backstory here you're not saying. This may give some context
What happened with the mum?

donethinkin · 06/10/2019 05:26

Honestly if it was me I’d just leave it. Don’t contact her and don’t make a drama out of it. She’s at uni now so your friendship is probably going to end anyway. She sounds weird. See this as an opportunity. Go to uni yourself and be a good friend and make new friends. Just don’t respond to her. Don’t wish her happy birthday. Do nothing for her ever again. You now know her true colours. Don’t answer her messages or her calls

Butchyrestingface · 06/10/2019 05:26

You were advised to dump them both were you not? The mother was a cheeky, demanding shrew of the highest order.

You would probably have been advised to do the same with your father but for the fact that well, he’s your father and circumstances presently dictate you live at home.

fargo123 · 06/10/2019 06:02

I remember your last thread. From memory, most people pointed out how toxic this 'friend' and her batshit mother were/are.

You were advised to block and move on then, and I think that advice still stands now.