AIBU to be raging at MIL

[Ellaandlouisqueenandking]

Hey.

Hubby and I have had a blazing row. He had neurosurgery a few weeks ago. His DM didnt visit him in hospital or enquire as to how he was doing. I was with him the whole time. She went to an art gallery with a friend. I was on my own while he went in for his op. She was a short distance away but stayed at the gallery. And when I called her to inform her of his situation all I got was 'thanks for the updates'. I just felt so unsupported. Scared. Alone. At least his Dad showed concern for his son. Since then his Mum has been cold with me. Doesnt really speak with me and interrupts me mid sentence. I am struggling with how to deal with it, tbh. Hubby is now thankfully ok, touch wood, but my own Mum is very ill and Im a Mum and I work and I am tired so tired. I feel terrible I had a row with hubby about his Mum's attitude and now he is ignoring me....but then the ignoring me isnt new....😔

Your mother-in-law isn't your biggest problem.

He can't change his mum's attitude and it's quite possible it hurts him even more than it hurts you.

So cut him some slack. Drop it. Don't communicate with his mum if you can avoid it, and don't expect anything from her.

Now, about you... somehow you need to claw back a little time for recuperation. Take longer in the loo, in the bath, in the shower. Walk for local errands. Alone time, time with someone pleasant having a coffee. You are in a very difficult position, nobody could deny it.

It strikes me that his mum ignored him and now he's ignoring you.

Sounds like the mil has turned against you. I’d suspect her son has said something which has pissed her off about you or disappointed her about you. But whether he meant it or she misread him, or whether it’s true or he made it up for sympathy i don’t know. Forget her and concentrate on you’re relationship. I’d be starting with asking him why his mum used to be ok with me but now seems to hate my. Why? What does she think I did or said?
Only once you find out what’s happened that you dont know about can you decide how to handle it. If your dp is running with takes to mummy at his age he aught to be ashamed.
Sorry your own mums not well. Hope she’s better soon

Tales. Stupid keypad.

Elieza....I have asked him but he claims I am being paranoid and everything is fine

The row is still going on and he has told me to leave him alone :(

Leave him alone for tonight. You aren’t going to make it better by continuing this. I think you need to try and move past this - yes his mother was unsupportive and you are having a shit time. But he’s recovering from surgery and was probably terrified, even if he didn’t show it. He doesn’t want a family argument. It doesn’t make it right but that’s probably what’s going on in his head. I don’t know how to fix it but your mother in law is being cruel to you. Hopefully things get better for you and you get a break.

Why are you going on to your husband about his mother's attitude? He can't change her. I think you are expecting a lot more of her than she is willing to give you, for whatever reason.

Yes, why are you blaming him for her attitude? He's probably more hurt by her indifference than you are, and you're rubbing his nose in it.

If you want to get to the bottom fo things, ask her, not him.
Just say (to her) that she doesn't seem very happy with you, and have you done something to upset her.

I feel sorry for your DH. He may not be showing it but he must be upset about his DM seemingly not caring about his welfare, and yet here you are making it all about you. I'm sorry about your mum OP, but for God's sake leave your poor husband alone. He really doesn't need you shit stirring and rubbing salt in the wound.

Do you think he might be taking it out on you because you’ve highlighted an uncomfortable truth - the fact that his mother isn’t that bothered?

The thing is, his Mum is bothered about other stuff. I wasnt trying to make it about me but yes I shouldnt have told my DH how I felt. Unfortunately though I have spent the last decade in and out of hospitals with sick parents, on my own. I watched one of them die and could do nothing about it. I had a cancer scare....I was the only one in the waiting room alone for every appointment as DH didnt want to ask for time off work as they get short staffed. I need to learn not to confide in him my fears, my worries, my concerns and my grief and absolute loneliness. Believe me I try to be there for him, but he gives me silence back. Tonight I made the mistake of confiding in him, something I deeply regret.

The best interpretation of your mil behaviour is that she might be in denial.

As for your husband, of course he’s not talking to you. After he’s had brain surgery you have a go at him over something he has no control over.

Many people have covered the idea that he might be just as hurt by his mother’s Indifference, so I don’t need to.

I will say, your husband had surgery on his brain a few weeks ago. I had surgery on the center of my chest, beneath my sternum, in January, and I could barely care about anything for a while. Definitely more than a few weeks. My DH didn’t ask much of me, and I definitely didn’t row with him over anything. I understand it might be frustrating, but it’s part of recovery. If you never had fights like this before the surgery, then either the act of having surgery or the surgery itself has negatively affected him, and he needs more time to rediscover his mental balance.

Now with that said, ignoring anyone is pretty unkind, and if this is the way he always deals with arguments regardless of surgery, then no, that’s not a great sign. But how did a blazing row about it even get started? Unless you believe he’s responsible for MIL’s coldness and that he lead her to mistreat you for some reason.

I would give him space for now (unless this is how he always acts during every fight and the surgery is a red herring), and talk directly to MIL about what the hell is up with her treatment of you.

Both him and MIL dont engage in conversations with me. This was the case prior to surgery. They interrupt me or ignore me. My DH was back at work 2 days after the surgery.

Every argument we have had in recent years ends in him accusing me of being hyper sensitive, overly critical and paranoid. He then storms off before I get a chance to respond.

MIL and him usually do everything together when he is not working...which is fine and lovely. He had a day off the other day and they went for a picnic in the park next to my work. In 12 years he hasnt once met me for lunch on my day off. Which is fine but kind of hurt when I realised it and I had made the effort to go to his

I wasnt invited to the picnic and was told about it after the event. It is sweet he went with mil but....i wish he wanted to see me. I try to book dates, just us 2, before surgery, he isnt interested.

As others have said, you haven't got a MIL problem.

I suggest you report your post and ask MN to move it to Relationships.

Then it really sounds like this is a red herring, OP. And if your DH and his mother are that close, to be constantly spending time together, more than he spends with you, then it’s possible she didn’t come to the hospital because she was in denial about what was happening and he completely accepts that.

I’m not saying this glibly or sarcastically, but you sound like a martyr. You’re sacrificing yourself for everyone, and they’re not supporting you. It’s not fine and lovely that he and MIL do everything together when he’s not working; you’re being cut out of your own marriage. It’s not sweet that he went on a nice picnic with MIL when he won’t make time to go on couples’ activities with you. No wonder you’re so worried about MIL acting coldly to you - she’s in control of your DH, and he’s either fine with it and going along, or actively facilitating it.

When you add in the fact that your life sounds currently depressing (an endless parade of caring for sick relatives, none of whom sound particularly nice about it) and then you say, I need to learn not to confide in him my fears, my worries, my concerns and my grief and absolute loneliness, it all adds up to a not-so-nice picture. No, OP, that’s not something you need to learn. It’s not normal to be unable to share with your spouse.

This thread started about a row you had tonight, but I don’t think it’s about tonight’s row, I don’t think it’s about MIL and the hospital, and it may not even be just about MIL’s treatment of you. It sounds like your DH may have checked out of your marriage, and you deserve more happiness than putting up with that forever.

I think he has for a while now but a year ago when I told him I wanted us to seperate he begged me not to go. It is so confusing.

Watch some videos by dr les Carter on you tube. They’ve helped me a lot. And I’ve been through what you have almost exactly.
Dh completely wrapped up in self and since neuro. S. ( and before)It’s got worse as he is extremely anxious and depressed. Even if your dh went to work 2days;(!) later, it’s serious and will be affecting him mentally even if he’s not admitting it. Headway and beyond the grey are good support groups. For you. And him, but I think you’re the important one here.
Agree with poster who said look after yourself- this is a massive priority or you will head to depression ( I know!). Also focus on your own interests or you will find yourself spending all your thoughts puzzling him out. You can’t. Also suggest applying to docs for counselling. Very useful.
Very happy to chat if you’d like to pm me.

Just read rightyesbutno. Everything she says. Exactly same happened / is happening and it’s taken me years and several trips to counsellor to learn what’s going on and stop being so nice. Watch dr les Carter about covert narcissist. This may be what’s happening, it may not be, but he has a nice voice!

I had brain surgery in May so it sounds like a long time before your H. It was about 10 hours I think and I'm sure he'll for the people waiting. I have quite a lot of surgery so may it gets easier?

Anyway during the recovery I looked fine, was back to working etc within a couple of weeks but inside I was an absolute mess. Maybe I still am a bit.

I said some weird things and I wasn't really in a position to filter what I said or for any kind of meaningful insight into my behaviour. I wouldn't have been up to a row and if I did I would probably have accidentally gone nuclear. I still get upset over nothing.

What I am saying in my middle of the night way is that you're all suffering in your own way. The best thing is really not to expect a lot right now. That doesn't mean you don't deserve help at all but I don't know that your H will be a great source of it right now.