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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be raging at MIL

39 replies

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 05/10/2019 22:36

Hey.

Hubby and I have had a blazing row. He had neurosurgery a few weeks ago. His DM didnt visit him in hospital or enquire as to how he was doing. I was with him the whole time. She went to an art gallery with a friend. I was on my own while he went in for his op. She was a short distance away but stayed at the gallery. And when I called her to inform her of his situation all I got was 'thanks for the updates'. I just felt so unsupported. Scared. Alone. At least his Dad showed concern for his son. Since then his Mum has been cold with me. Doesnt really speak with me and interrupts me mid sentence. I am struggling with how to deal with it, tbh. Hubby is now thankfully ok, touch wood, but my own Mum is very ill and Im a Mum and I work and I am tired so tired. I feel terrible I had a row with hubby about his Mum's attitude and now he is ignoring me....but then the ignoring me isnt new....😔

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2019 03:32

Oh love, it sounds as though your H really doesn't care that much about you at all.

If he constantly ignores you, your conversation and your emotional needs, then he doesn't actually love YOU at all. He might love having you around to do his housework, cleaning cooking etc., but you might as well be the housekeeper for all the good it's doing you.

Unless he has some better points that you haven't mentioned yet, he's a lost cause as a husband. He has a more partnered relationship with his mother than you!

Fuck him off, lovely, and find someone else who actually cares about YOU.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2019 03:39

@Aagh

Dr. Carter's videos are wonderful. I recommend them to a poster on MN quite recently. Very informative and I've learned so much from him.

blackcat86 · 06/10/2019 03:49

You're expecting your MIL to plug all the holes here when shes someone who clearly wont. You and your DH should support each other. Yes if it were my adult child having surgery I would give whatever support was needed and I'm sure it hurts him that shes been uncaring but you seem to have wanted her to drop everything to support you because you have felt anxious and alone. She isnt going to be a good source of support for you so have a think about who else you can reach out to who would be. I understand the issue as I had a really traumatic birth and nearly lost DD. Both sets of parents were shit but 1 or 2 friends were very supportive and we now value those close friendships so much more. Through counselling I've acknowledged my hurt and frustration but also understood that neither set of parents were appropriate in the level of support they offered before so they werent suddenly going to start.

1frenchfoodie · 06/10/2019 05:09

Everything @RightYesButNo said. This is bigger than MIL’s attitude to the surgery. I hope you have a good friend or two to hug you and have your back.

MarleysGhost · 06/10/2019 05:32

Don't be confused that your DH objects when you say you are going to leave. It's not necessarily out of love that he is objecting. It is far more likely he doesn't want to do any housework/wifework.

Leave. Be happy. Stand in the pool of warm sunshine that is yours if your each out and grasp it. It sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree with DH and his mother. Imagine being free of the pair of them. If that gives you a happy feeling start with a plan before another day is gone.

Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 06/10/2019 07:56

Thanks everyone. I am so tired. The thing that kills me is there was a time we were happy and I was crazily in love with him. I still love him now. But I feel like he doesn't love me. Certainly, he doesn't like me.

OP posts:
Dieu · 06/10/2019 09:16

Let it be. I can't honestly imagine how it must feel for your own mother not to visit you in hospital. Was it because you were there that she didn't come? (Sorry for how that sounds). Hope your husband is recovering well.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2019 12:09

EllaandLouis - I think, if that's the case, then there's no point in you staying, even if he begs you to.
You have to do what's right for you - and that is to give yourself a chance to find someone who DOES like you, love you, want to be with you for you.

You were thinking of leaving him a year ago - how far did you get with your plans? can you pick them up again?

sugarspiceandallthingsnicex · 06/10/2019 14:04

So sorry you are having to go through this OP - I think your husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I'd really think about leaving if I was you - he won't ever change and you'll never be happy , he'll give you glimpses every now and then to keep you around so he can use you (lovebombing) but it's all fake.

Read up on it, I bet he ticks all the boxes x

Livelovebehappy · 06/10/2019 14:24

I’m guessing, with your DH previously accusing you of being hyper sensitive and over critical that there is a big back story to this? I might not be right, but having read many MIL issues on here, I’m thinking that you have in the past pushed back against your mil as to not wanting her in your lives too much - maybe you felt she was overstepping boundaries or having too much involvement in your lives. Mil then backs off. Fast forward and you decide she is now not giving you and DH the attention you want and so are now head pecking. It’s a control thing. I may be way off the mark, and may have read too many similar posts on here, but I do think there is definitely some missing relevant info from this. And yes, same as PPs, you have a DP problem.

PlasticPatty · 06/10/2019 17:52

You are very tired and need some rest. But after all you've said about him, when you feel a little stronger, leaving him might be the best plan.

Teddybear45 · 06/10/2019 17:58

Major surgery tends to make people reassess their relationships. It may be possible your DH has mentioned leaving you to his mum which could explain why she’s turning against you. I think you need to focus on your relationship for now - contact Relate and try and get counselling

SherbetSaucer · 06/10/2019 22:58

You had a blazing row with someone who had neurosurgery a few weeks ago??? Hmm Your MIL’s attitude is not your DH’s fault. Do you always take things out on him. I think I’d ignore you too!!

Aagh · 08/10/2019 22:23

‘If he constantly ignores you, your conversation and your emotional needs, then he doesn't actually love YOU at all. He might love having you around to do his housework, cleaning cooking etc., but you might as well be the housekeeper for all the good it's doing you. ’
Well that seems familiar!
Mine is still depressed a year and a half later and needs a lot of bolstering. It’s very difficult. Sorry! Not about me!!!!
I found that in times of stress and exhaustion we (I) focus on the wierd little bonkers things because it’s easier than the big picture, and get a bit potty. Wondering if you are doing the same? You have been under a load of stress. And may be needing to chat to the gp. And certainly put your own oxygen mask on so to speak, or you won’t have the energy to cope. Suggest lots of rest and little treats - not necessarily bought ones, but, coffee in bed say, or magazine in bath.
Aquamarine, so have I! Someone on here put me on to him too, for which am extremely grateful. OP check him out. If nothing else his soothing tones are good to get you asleep at night!

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