To ask Why does confidence affect the way you're treated?

[Charley1988]

To share a happy story for once between 2008 and 2010 my life changed DRAMATICALLY for the better - despite these two years obtaining some very tough traumatic incidents. What kept me motivated all along was the fact that in 2008 I found that increased confidence improved other people's behaviour towards me and this made me feel I had a better future. A philosophical quest more than anything - but why do you think confidence affects the way other people treat us ? Wouldn't it be the case that other people feel threatened by our confidence thus treat us worse??

Insecure people, bullies, arseholes etc like a soft target.

Think your right always - there was a bullying bloke where I used to work - when I developed more confidence I genuinely got on with him. My confidence made me happier and made me more inclined to give people who'd treated me badly a clean slate. Was glad I did cos the turnaround in this persons behaviour towards me from taking the piss to us genuinely getting on gave me hope in more difficult times to come meant I could turn things around and get in with people.

People tend to take you at your own valuation.

Thanks ambid - genuinely interested in people's feedback

I'm not sure it has to be confidence in the traditional sense and has more to do with being quietly self-assured.

But, I also think the sort of people who are arseholes or bully will do for a range of reasons, not just because they want an easy target.
Eg I worked with a colleague who would go out of their way to undermine me but would have this weird narrative where I was overconfident and needed bringing down a peg or two (they would openly talk about how we should be keeping NQTs and trainees in their place too). This colleague didn't stick the knife in because I was weak, but because they disliked the idea of anyone who knew what they were talking about knowing their worth. They mistook someone knowing their strengths, weaknesses and areas where they can speak with authority for arrogance. I guess I realised that some people are quite bitter and seek to reduce everyone else to their own negative energy.

People tend to accept you at face value. If you come across as confident they assume that that is because you are strong and capable.
If you are unsure of yourself, they will be unsure of you too.
It couldn't be any other way really
You cant expect someone who hardly knows you to have more confidence in you than you do yourself.
That wouldn't be reasonable
People who are confident without good cause still do well because it takes people a long time to realise it isnt justified. When people are more capable than they seem, people almost never realise it.
So it pays to think, fuck it, and do it anyway

100% agree with @Ambidexte and @hazell42

Agree with PP. We believe what other people tell us about themselves.

I've experienced that as well Lola it's horrible!!

You make some interesting observations hazell x

Bullies tend to be the underperforming set at work - the ones whose lives and / or work performance are failing and who struggle to compete.

If you appear that your lacking in confidence, then people don't have confidence in you. In high school some teachers appeared to lack confidence and kids ran amock. Some times you have to fake it to you make it.

Apparently it's something that radiates out from behind our eyes from the 'third eye' point. Like a projection from a reel of film. If we change the film from ' anxious doormat' to 'confident' that's what others 'see'.

*disclaimer I may have spent today watching life coaching youtube vids

Confident people are more approachable because you don't feel like you are intruding in their space and making them feel uncomfortable by speaking to them and, as a result, it's easier for them to ignite friendship and get better service.

I have found that age has affected this for me and not because of respect your elders but because I used to worry about people liking me whereas now I couldn't give a flying fuck what they think.

So less about self-confidence and more worrying less what other people think which is sort of the same thing I suppose

I think being confident tends to be very obvious to others, and if you are rude to a confident person they tend to call you out on it!

I was always fairly confident, having been fortunate enough to be brought up in a family where I was made to feel valued and equal to my brothers.

Now I am old you would have to be very brave indeed to attempt to walk all over me. I suspect I have a raised eyebrow that warns people I am likely to respond firmly to any attempt to put me down.

I am a lot more confident now I'm older, I just wish I'd had this confidence in my teens & 20s I suspect life would've been so much easier & things may have turned out very differently but I'll never know...

Unpleasant, bullying people home in on anyone who lacks confidence, they seem to be able to almost smell it. They wouldn't dare bully someone who gives off an air of confidence. It's something most people have to cultivate.

Trouble is seeing through someones veneer of confidence to establish if there is any substance or justification for their confidence.

This really plays out in job interviews where I've seen people with every reason to be confident in their abilities fall apart and seen the confident interviewee getting the job.

And subsequently being exposed as a blowhard.

They wouldn't dare bully someone who gives off an air of confidence. It's something most people have to cultivate
I think they do.
The colleague in described didn't target me for lacking confidence. They seemed to target anyone who has a positive energy or outlook because they saw positivity as a threat. They were very subtle about it, an undermine with a student here, a passing comment that you seemed out of sorts there. All supportive of course because they just cared how you were getting on 🙄

People always mention on these threads how great it is once you get older and no longer care about what people think / become more confident. Can I ask when this is meant to happen... late 30s here and no sign of it yet!

I think part of it too is that confident people don't get as upset/anxious/stressed etc as a less confident person. This makes them easier to get on with, and so it all becomes cyclical

Confidence definitely does affect how people treat you.
I was a quiet timid little mouse who was so desperate to please and although had enough knowledge and skill to make it to management in a hospitality setting, had zero confidence in that skill. I was terrified of making mistakes and upsetting those further up, and too scared to stand up to staff taking the piss - I just covered arses really. I didn't last very long 😆 the stress nearly killed me.
I'm older now and naturally I think more confident in general, but I'm in a similar position again and am quite often told I'm intimidating, or scary. I'm only those things when someone attempts to take the piss, I don't cover arses anymore. Those who are lacking I let show as lacking and give them help/support and guidance on how to improve. But I don't take any crap either.
I honestly don't know how I got to this point, but my job and life is definitely less turbulent since I did!

I have a thread running at the moment about myself being shy and a doormat! Ok the thread I have been insulted quite horribly by a nice manager. It seems if you're a doormat and don't have confidence absolutely anyone (nice folk and all) will treat you like crap at some point because quote frankly, they can get away with it just like she did. This particular person is described by all as really nice, really chilled etc.

Not being confident is not something I can 'just be" like a switch I can turn on. It's really ruined some parts of my life and I wouldn't wish being like me on anyone. Of you really don't believe in my because I don't believe in myself as previous posters have said, that's fine, but why do you feel the need to be nasty/ say nasty things?!

I think different bullies tend to target different people.

I spent my teens and 20s very insecure. My 30s have been different. I have been much more confident. I have had to deal with people trying to chip away at me both times.

The main difference has been, that when I am confident and challenge them, they tend to pack it in.

In a job I had, my boss brought me into the company because of my experience. He had full confidence in me and had me in to run the department. The more successful I got, the worse 2 particular women got. Slight digs at first that I pretended to not understand or would say 'I know you didnt mean it this way but that came across as rude'. Then they escalated it by saying I was sleeping with my boss, thats why he employed me. At team meeting one made a comment under her breath about how I would suck my bosses cock to get him to agree with me. So I drew public attention to it. I asked her to repeat herself, because plenty of use heard and she should let everyone else into her opinion. I also told her, I was fully aware of the rumours she was spreading and maybe now would be a good time to squash them. She shut her mouth and left me alone

In my 20s I would have left the meeting and cried. But this made people like me more. I think it's because people felt I was genuine and I do think ultimately people look bei g around confident people. People likes that I stood up for myself and put a bully in their place.

In my job now, I am a director. On my first day a senior director asked me to look at a report, my predecessor did. Turns out this senior director is a shit and it was his work he was palming off. People kept telling me I couldnt tell him no now i had said i would look at it. Apparantly he likes to yell and embarrass people who tell him no.

I said no to him over 3 different things this week. He accepted everyone of them. Because I was firm and gave good reasons and gave no room for argument.

He is a bully. He bullies people into doing his work. Its clear its not working on me. So he didnt bother. Again people seem to like me more. It impresses them that the office bully didnt get away with it. It make people want to know you, get to know how you did it.

Confidence draws alot of people in. But bullies can still target you.