To ask Why does confidence affect the way you're treated?

[Charley1988]

To share a happy story for once between 2008 and 2010 my life changed DRAMATICALLY for the better - despite these two years obtaining some very tough traumatic incidents. What kept me motivated all along was the fact that in 2008 I found that increased confidence improved other people's behaviour towards me and this made me feel I had a better future. A philosophical quest more than anything - but why do you think confidence affects the way other people treat us ? Wouldn't it be the case that other people feel threatened by our confidence thus treat us worse??

If you are a walkover (like me) people will take advantage and use you for their own gain. They can't do that with people who won't put up with their bullshit. They prey on the weak, basically. People will say well they should learn to toughen up then. But how about the takers stop being cheeky, bullying fuckers instead? The world needs more kindness.

Can I ask when this is meant to happen... late 30s here and no sign of it yet

Honestly, I got sick of myself. I got sick if being stressed out becaus i hadnt said no to people when i should have done. Got sick to death of feeling humiliated. Sick to death of disliking myself because i didnt stand up for myself. Sick to death of ending up hating jobs because of one person. Sick to death of feeling shit.

I just got a point where I said 'fuck this'. But I also made a point of making sure I was never rude. Alot of people confuse assert with aggressive and get themselves into a lot of shit.

So i go for cool calm and collected. I have also stopped letting people rush me to answer them. If i need to take some time to think something over i do. I dont rush decisions decision. That's make me more confident it's the right one.

Thanks for all your responses - love reading them

People don't bother pushing if they think there's no chance they'll get their way - if you ask your DC confidently to do something, they will do it, if you ask tentatively they'll argue and try to change your mind.

Rudeness is never acceptable.
But you cant blame people for accepting your valuation of your own skills. its a fact that a moderately talented person with lots of confidence will go further than a very talented person with low confidence, because first of all people have to be bring out the talent in spite of that person deliberately hiding their light under a bushel. Then they have to coax that person into putting themselves forward, then support them to do it. it's all.quite wearing and people are lazy. much easier to go with the blowhard who will get the job done somehow and leave you alone

I agree with everything posted on here. As an older person I don't care what people think. I am also politely assertive when I want something.

I often read on here about posters getting poor service in shops or not being able to get the right answers from their GP. I think a lot of it is how you talk to people, so instead of "I want to know" I say "I'd like to understand" or "please can you explain to me"

Another example is - buyer for a house that we are selling told the estate agent that if we didn't give him a copy of the survey (which a previous buyer had sold us) he would pull out. I told the estate agent that I don't do business with blackmailers

I have found that if I confidently say no, or disagree then it stops the immediate problem, but behind the scenes I am badmouthed.
It’s all very well being confident in what you say, explaining your rationale or picking people up on sly digs. But if they are truly a bully (like my one at work) they will come back harder and dirtier.

There are alot of bullies in workplaces. It's shocking how nasty people can be for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Yes the person who shouts and undermines me has got a good thing going about me being unprofessional and obstructive

@Hesafriendfromwork I think that's great practical advice, thanks - particularly your last paragraph about not letting people rush you etc.

If you constantly do yourself down and tell people you’re crap then that’s what they’ll believe. Despite what a lot of people think, most of us aren’t thinking deeply about every person we meet. So if at work you say I don’t know how to do this, I’ll probably mess up, you start flapping at the slightest thing then people will believe you. If you say, this looks challenging but I’m up for it, people will believe that.

When I wasn't confident I could be pushed around, no clear boundaries etc. Was bullied. I built confidence. I no longer fear ever being bullied because I'm quite happy to call out behavior I don't like, I may be targeted by a bully in the future but I will certainly take action if so. My old self would try to 'hide' to avoid the bullying and I think this is actually a red flag to most bullies. Interestingly people at work known to be difficult do not give me any trouble at all. Its been hard won though.

I have a lot of self confidence.

For me a lot of it comes from if someone is saying something mean about me or I start wondering what they think of me. I just get this overwhelming feeling of : who cares. Who are they to me?

If my brother or mum or best friend said something mean about me or someone who's opinion I care about id be upset. But most people at work or on the street or acquaintances, who cares. Who are they? What do they know? Why does it affect me?

Also @21:38BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail is entirely correct. I am my own champion. If someone asks me if I can do something I'll say

'I haven't done it before but I know I can learn it'

I see so many women especially in the workplace saying oh god I oculd never do that or yeah I'm terrible at that and it makes me cringe. I think they do it for empathy or to try and build relationships but it's bad.

Practice building yourself up with your words and actions.

I think that's great practical advice, thanks - particularly your last paragraph about not letting people rush you etc.

You are welcome. I wish I had a technique or something I could tell you. But it was just sick to death of myself. Its shit to get to that point though.

The taking time thing is good. Because it means I can stick by decision. Not end up backing down because of awkwardness. Before if people kept at me to back down I would because I wasn't confident in what I thought AND I felt awkward saying no, again and again.

'I haven't done it before but I know I can learn it'

This is a brilliant phrase to use. You donr have to bullshit people and pretend you can do everything. But dont shut it down being able to learn it.

I have observed loads of women putting themselves down on a daily basis. But they are essentially turning down learning opportunities and shaping peoples view of them.

posterinlimboland Can I ask when this is meant to happen... late 30s here and no sign of it yet

I don't think it does happen to everyone. As for me, I'm not sure actually as it was subconscious and, I think, gradual. I would guesstimate 42ish.

posterJennifer2r I see so many women especially in the workplace saying oh god I oculd never do that or yeah I'm terrible at that and it makes me cringe. I think they do it for empathy or to try and build relationships but it's bad.

With the caveat that some people use this tactic to skive and, ultimately, avoid being asked to do new tasks at all. I've never understood this approach, rejecting opportunities to improve your skill-set and your social standing with co-workers.

Apologies OP for the diversion.

Thanks for all your replies/insights!!!