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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That it would not confuse the children?

26 replies

BrassTactical · 05/10/2019 14:50

Ex DH and I have been separated for 3 years now, DCs are 5, 8 and 11.

He lives 3.5hrs away and lives with his parents, he doesn’t pay anything and I haven’t hassled because he declares poverty so what’s the point. He has them on some half terms and 2 weeks in the summer. All just for me to work as obviously I use my annual leave to cover the rest of no school time (have to pay expensive holiday club for the rest). He comes on the occasional weekend in between but only with a few days notice and only ever for about 4hrs as he has to drive there and back.

Anyway I would like him to do every other weekend, they would love this as they miss him. I’ve offered to take them half way, pay his fuel, rent an air bnb anything! To make this happen.

I think he should come on a Saturday, stay at my house (I’ll go elsewhere), and leave Sunday evening.

His argument is staying here with the children will confuse them as this should be my home with them.

I think this is bollocks to get out of it!

Who is right?

Oh and 2nd AIBU he won’t sign the no fault divorce papers, I waited 3 years as I didn’t want to hurt him with the list of unreasonable behaviour (like shagging my friend) and wanted to stay amicable for the kids, hence never pushing for money.

But if he won’t sign then I’m going to have to take it to court and spend a fortune anyway so may as well chuck in financial arrangements and custody at the same time! Hence asking the 1st question.

Yes BTW he’s an idiot because he will force me to make things acrimonious and get the custody/financial issues that he says he doesn’t want to have by not signing. He’s creating the situation Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
BrassTactical · 05/10/2019 14:52

Part of this is because after being single 3yrs I would like to date and build a relationship, and do things for myself like a hobby or the gym. At the moment I am trapped into work/kids with not one single day off from both ever.

Which makes me feel selfish to say.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 05/10/2019 14:54

He treats you and the children like shit. Sounds like you have bent over backwards to accommodate his bullshit for years. Take him to court.

messolini9 · 05/10/2019 15:01

You are right, & he is an oaf.

Go to solicitor/court/cms for access & maintenance orders.

He is fucking you around for the fun of it, & because he is a selfish twat who refuses to even pay for his kids' food & roof, never mind living near enough them to arrange regular visiting.

messolini9 · 05/10/2019 15:03

he won’t sign the no fault divorce papers, I waited 3 years as I didn’t want to hurt him with the list of unreasonable behaviour (like shagging my friend)

OK so it's ultimatum time.
He signs the no-fault by the end of next week, or he gets served with unreasonable behaviour papers.

I am so glad you are rid of this prince amogst men, OP!

Rainbow · 05/10/2019 15:03
  1. YANBU. He is trying to get out of it. They are old enough to understand. I had this, he would have the DC when I worked and only then. If I asked, especially if he knew i wasnt working, he "had plans". You need "me time" too. It's not selfish.
2.YANBU. You have met him half way with travel etc. Spell it out to him. Sign now and it all goes through easily, just a divorce. Don't sign and you go to court. That means divorce, maintenance, contact everything. You want your money's worth.
messolini9 · 05/10/2019 15:03

amongst

Wildboar · 05/10/2019 15:05

I agree you need to take him to court, but I wouldn’t let him stay in your house. Is there no way he can take them out for a long day? Or have them at his parents?

WhatTiggersDoBest · 05/10/2019 15:40

If he agrees to point 1 and you let him stay in the house, could this weaken your position for getting a divorce? Don't you have to be living apart? If so, and if he's home at weekends he could use that to say you're not separated any more.
As for point 2, I think it's time you stopped tiptoeing around his bullshit and take him to the cleaners. Financially you won't get anything, by the sounds of it, but in other areas of your life you definitely stand to gain.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 05/10/2019 15:41

And if he won't sign a no-fault divorce, go the other way. Does he pay costs if he's found by the court to be unreasonable or unfaithful? If you point that out to him maybe he'll sign the no-fault papers and get it over with quickly and you can move on with life.

Timandra · 05/10/2019 15:43

Stop trying to force him to have contact he doesn't want. Your children will get hurt and he will jsut fail to keep to arrangements, letting you down.

If you need a break from your DCs, find a babysitter or local teen who could take them out to a local park during the day. You money would be much better spent getting someone to look after them willingly than trying to back your ex into a corner.

Hm staying at your house does give mixed messages, especially if the children want you to get back together.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 05/10/2019 15:47

I think it may be in your interests that it goes to court and he is legally held to an agreement. Offering to help with driving and with accommodation might work with some men who are equally helpful back, but that's not him, is it? For your own sanity I wouldn't let him in the house, I wouldn't trust him.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 05/10/2019 15:48

I mean a legal agreement of maintenance payments and contact times.

Inebriati · 05/10/2019 15:49

complaining about him being unreasonable about the holidays is massively unreasonable and unrealistic, you already know what he is like.
You are selling yourself and your kids short to spare his feelings. He won't ever meet you halfway. Either stop enabling him or accept he will take the piss.

Timandra · 05/10/2019 16:08

I mean a legal agreement of maintenance payments and contact times.

Do courts enforce contact in that way? AFAIK they only insist that resident parents make children available for contact. They don't insist that it has to be taken up by the parent it is available to.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 05/10/2019 17:19

I’m sorry but why are you behaving like such a pushover and letting him get away with treating you and your kids like this?!?!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/10/2019 17:27

Realistically a English/Welsh court would force you to make the children available but not him to see them. I agree that most children would be able to understand this arrangement given their ages and the length of separation.

I would issue for unreasonable behaviour and make a claim for child maintenance.

What a useless prick he sounds.

Original poster
BrassTactical · 05/10/2019 17:32

Ineb did I complain about the holidays? I agree I’ve been enabling this though so I need to try and draw some lines. It’s hard though as he was emotionally manipulative and has depression so I am always on eggshells.

Timandra he wants contact, just totally on his terms, so called yesterday to have them for 4hrs today. Then will be gone again apart from the odd phone call until he chooses. If I don’t answer the calls he tells the kids mummy is blocking me Angry

You are all right I need this through court, but Timandra is right, they won’t force a maintenance order, my solicitor says I have to block all contact so he forces ME to court for contact and that way it will be an arrangement.

My fear is I do that, and it’s painful for the kids, he goes AWOL completely and in the future is justified in saying I cut contact.

The divorce is a different matter, I have to take that to court. No idea about fees.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/10/2019 17:36

For maintenance just go through CMS...

Original poster
BrassTactical · 05/10/2019 17:39

Icant fear to be honest.

He’s in a good place now mentally, and he loves his children is his own fucking useless screwing me over way. And I have no legitimate reason to block him access if he did take me to court.

But I remember the dark days of the split where I had to stay on the phone for him for hours as he was on the edge of a bridge to jump, or when I only let him the the kids with me there as I was terrified he’d take them and not bring them back. Or hurt them.

I know realistically now neither of these things would have happened but the dread at the time I can’t explain. To go back there but as you hear on here with court ordered contact? Makes me feel sick. So I have been playing nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrassTactical · 05/10/2019 17:41

Which I realise sounds at odds of wanting regularity of contact, but the kids (and me) either need him there or not there, not this halfway house!

OP posts:
lyralalala · 05/10/2019 17:42

so he forces ME to court for contact and that way it will be an arrangement.

Even if that happens he can’t be forced to take them.

My ex took me to court as a power trip. His arrangement said that I had to make the girls available every Wednesday evening after school and every other weekend.

What that meant in reality was that we couldn’t make plans every Wednesday and every other weekend in case he decide to exercise “his rights” until such times as he’d not bothered long enough that I could take it back to court and have it varied.

Original poster
BrassTactical · 05/10/2019 20:05

Lyra sorry to hear that, we really can’t win can we!

There is just no point, I’m not doing it.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 05/10/2019 20:14
  1. Don't let him stay on your home.
  2. Crack on with divorcing him - and yes, get custody and finances dealt with at the same time. It might cost you money, but it will be worth it.
  3. If he pulls the shit about you blocking him with your dc again, tell them that daddy doesn't often call and that you answer when he does. They can repeat that back to him - he probably won't like it but that's the truth.
Original poster
BrassTactical · 05/10/2019 21:32

How do you all manage to get tougher with useless ex’s? (Or even good ones)

I need to be crosser!

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 05/10/2019 22:09

Which makes me feel selfish to say

There’s nothing selfish about having needs. It’s a normal human thing.

You have been patient. It’s your turn now. His excuoare so lame.