To think that entitlement to other people’s money brings out the worst in people?

[AlternativePerspective]

Time after time after time on here I’ve read posts from people saying that it’s not fair how their parents have made their will. How they’re upset at the will even though the parent isn’t dead yet and how the parents should change the will so as to not upset people.

Everything from being upset that more money has been given to one to not enough being given to another to some person not being deserving because they have more already so dividing the will equally and on and on and on.

I often wonder why A, people feel that it’s their right to discuss someone’s will with them prior to their actual death, and B, why anyone feels they should have any kind of say in how someone else’s money is divided?

I have no idea what is in my parents’ will and neither do I want to know. Personally I hope they spend it all before they’re gone, but if not I absolutely don’t see how I should feel entitled to any of it.

And if a child of mine tried to tell me how I should make out my will I’d disinherit them and leave the lot to the cats’ home.....

I think it’s natural to be hurt if a will favors another sibling. I also think that inheritance can change lives and so of course people care about it. We can all say we don’t care about inheritance as it’s the decent thing to do. I say I don’t care and would never mention it to my parents. But, not going to lie, I’d be delighted if I was left some and secretly a bit disappointed if I wasn’t. Similarly I’d expect to leave money to my children to help them later in life. Just seems like a nice gesture to me. But again, I’d not be happy to discuss it beforehand either as the parent or the child.

A touch unrealistic.

Why wouldn’t people discuss things? Unfairness in a will can be a way of perpetuating unfairness during their lifetime.

I have half siblings and my DDad sat everyone down and explained how the inheritance would be divided. Everyone understood his approach and there has never been any comment or question. After DDad died all the siblings sat down with a spreadsheet double checked and agreed everything in accordance with the will and the executor sent it to the solicitor.

If all DC are 21+, NT & able-bodied, then

unless one adult child has been doing a lot of caring for them, or has been abusive, or has received money in advance,
then ÎF any money is left to the DC, it should be split equally

Also split independently of the # of grandchildren, but that's just imo

Obviously if any DC / GDC has a lifelong disability, then parently can reasonably choose to leave them a larger share or all of it.

However, parents are perfectly entitled to spend all their money on themselves, or make a will leaving the remainder to a cats home
Just not to perpetuate favouring a Golden Child or a wilfully needy one.

YY to favouring a golden child or a wilfully needy one. The child being favoured is usually the one given the most when the parents were alive, I think that is unfair as the others have always paid their way rather than being entitled - but they probably hoped that the will would put it right.

Often not even their parents but their sort of in laws judging by a recent almost unbelievable thread where the OP was miffed that her partner's mum hadn't mentioned her in anyway to receive a share of the £4M...

I think disputes over wills often happen after death because one can't ask why someone made their choices. If it leaves you feeling less loved or less worthy than a sibling I'd imagine that hurts.

DH is an only child. We've never discussed his parents wills. In all likelihood I would expect them to leave everything to him and nothing to me and our DC (although I think his DM will leave some specific items for the kids she thinks they'll like). If they left it to the cat or a charity I would imagine DH would wonder whether they didn't approve of him or of us etc and would have no way of asking.

I am one of 2 children. All I know about my parents wills is that my DF does not think it is his job to provide with his grandchildren and therefore I don't expect them to get anything. I have no idea what their wills hold but if they left everything to my brother and nothing to me I would wonder why and what that said about our relationship and how they thought of me but if they hadn't left something explaining why.....having said that he did tell me once that if I have another tattoo he'd disinherit me so maybe I would know.

It wouldn't be about the money but about not understanding. That said I don't think either DH or I would contest it.

My elderly parents have very little to leave us other than their house assuming it never gets used for care fees. But I love them and would rather they spent every bloody penny enjoying themselves than leave it to us. They worked bloody hard for what they have and no reason why any of their kids cant do the same. I also work bloody hard for what I have and whilst I support my kids as I can they can work hard as weĺl not expect an inheritance. Anything I leave will be distributed equally regardless of their circumstances.

I am a solicitor in a Wills and probate department and it still surprises me how people react to Wills and the fallout from any deemed "unfairness".

If I am instructed to leave a child out of a Will I advise my client to write a letter stating their reasons for doing so, I also advise them to get a letter from their GP confirming that they have mental capacity (if elderly).

It really saddens me when families fall out over an inheritance- it seems that many take it as their "right" to inherit rather than it being the gift that it actually is.

I think wills can be genuinely upsetting. It isn’t always, or even often imo, the actual sums involved, it is what they suggest in black and white about how much someone was loved. I have seen this in my own family, and it causes lifelong pain.
I also do not think it is at all unreasonable for children to assume they will inherit, money is family money. “My” money is for the benefit of us as a family, we don’t live in a vacuum.

I think some people are grabby.

But for some people it is physical proof of what they have always thought.

My grandfather wanted his will set up so that one of his daughters got more. She is the one that always got more growing up and even and adult. Always borrowing money, couldnt do anything wrong etc.

Mum and her other sisters always felt less loved. When grandad went to great lengths to make it so she got more, but pretending that's just how it was worked out, the other felt hurt because it was proof what they always though. Their parents would always favour her until the end.

As it stands grandad didnt do this. And that auntie was banned from taking out of the home he went into because she kept taking him to the bank and drawing huge sums out of his bank.

Adult social services had to intervene. She always treat my grandparents like sgit and they still favoured her.

The money wasn't alot. But it wasnt about money. It was all the other stuff that happened.

But some people are just downright grabby and plan what they will spend it in years before their parents are dead.

It really saddens me when families fall out over an inheritance- it seems that many take it as their "right" to inherit rather than it being the gift that it actually is.

It's a measure of love. I've mentioned on previous 'will' threads that a friend told me that when she heard the will read out the only thought in her head was "my mother didn't love me". It destroyed the relationship she had with her only sibling, who insisted that it was absolutely fair that she'd been left everything bar a token amount, for 'reasons'. Of course, the real reason was that she was the extra-needy emotionally volatile one.

Why anyone feels they should have any kind of say in how someone else’s money is divided?

I have no idea what is in my parents’ will and neither do I want to know

Wanna come back to us when you’ve cared for a parent through their ill health and eventual death, while your sibling has retired to Spain and visits once every few years, and they get left pretty much the whole of your parents estate and you get a rusty spoon? You wouldn’t even care 1%?!

I call bullshit

I think this thread is disingenuous.

I can not believe that anyone, without any extenuating circumstances, would no be bothered if a sibling was left a significantly greater sum of money.

I agree that it’s distasteful to consider one’s inheritance before the benefactor has died but once they have it’s natural to be hurt at obvious disparity.

My mum died and left chaos and debt though, so maybe I cant really comment.

People are upset because it's human to see distribution of money in a will as a direct reflection of parental love.

Additionally sometimes one sibling has deliberately manipulated parents or has bled them dry all their adult lives and that sibling receiving more than an equal share looks like a reward for that behaviour or, as above, a reflection of the fact they were more loved.

It's rarely actually about cash, it's about the fact that when it comes to parents very specifically, it is human to feel parents should treat their children fairly, and leaving the house to Sarah while her sister Joanna gets a piece of jewelry, means that the parents always lived Joanna more.

Human nature - it's absolutely no problem to see your parents sell up and spend every penny enjoying themselves and leave you nothing, but it hurts like hell to see them leave everything or more than a proportionate share to a sibling and leave you out. This goes double when it's clear the sibling has manoeuvred and manipulated to get the will changed in their favour and bled the parents for money throughout their adult life and the sibling who gets less has never asked for or been given anything.

I have t a clue what’s in either my mothers or my mil’s will. Why do people even discuss it? Write it, then die, then let the executor sort it out.

My parents are still alive and have gifted land and money to my younger sis. There are 5 of us siblings. Its not about the money - It's about parents showing blatant favourism. The rest of us don't matter. & it's not that we've asked for anything, just that she's been enabled to have an elevated lifestyle financially but her siblings aren't deemed worthy of that obviously.

You seem to have no empathy regarding how that can feel, OP.

Now that my parents are much older and she's not bothered about them, now comes the 'uh oh' moment and requests for help and attention. I think the fuck not, they'll have to get on with it or ask her.

In typical circumstances then equitable treatment between siblings is the default and I can entirely understand why a will that further solidifies "golden child" status would hurt (especially if golden child has always had handouts and legs up through life as well).
I don't think it's the money that hurts, but the deliberate decision to make a statement about their children. It's possible to try to rationalise that parents have given more to a sibling because they've had shit luck in life, a bad situation, you're fortunate to have not needed the handouts, that you disagree with your parents enabling a man/woman-child but they wouldn't want to see them hurt or struggle etc.
It would be much harder to emotionally deal with a parent consciously making the decision to favour a sibling after death too as that's very much premeditated favouritism.

Partners/husbands/wives having expectations from in laws' wills is simply out of order though

I agree with you OP, inheritance is a bonus not an entitlement. I am an only child and would like my mum to enjoy and spend her hard earned cash etc while she is still alive. If something is left over good if not equally good.

I can not believe that anyone, without any extenuating circumstances, would no be bothered if a sibling was left a significantly greater sum of money. but presumably if the siblings were always favoured then the contents of the will wouldn’t necessarily come as a surprise/shock?

Also, why fall out with the siblings over it? They presumably haven’t demanded to be left more in the will so why are they held responsible?

I cannot believe that parents favouring one sibling over another shatters someone’s illusion about them? I mean if your parents are unfair in life they will likely be unfair in death. That doesn’t necessarily make it fair but I can’t imagine that these children who are suddenly left less money are completely out of the loop regarding what they thought their relationship with their parents would be?

Also let’s be honest here. The majority of threads about this are about the wills of people who are still alive. So that’s not exactly a case of suddenly finding out that your sibling has inherited everything when the parents are no longer around.

Anyone who believes they should be entitled to anything from someone else’s will before they’ve even died is entitled.

feistymumma do you have cousins or aunts and uncles? Would you be happy if your mum left her house to her sibling or one of your cousins for no conceivable reason?

Most people would be happy to see their parents enjoy their old age and spend their money on themselves, but hurt if their parents left a big inheritance (and any house is a big inheritance in human terms) to one of their children and just a token or nothing to the other/s. Similarly if they left a large sum of money or a property to one grandchild and nothing to their other grandchildren.

I don't think you're understanding why people with siblings might feel hurt by a sibling being favoured at all.

Do you have children of your own? Would you give one a new bike, a playstation and a card full of cash a for Christmas and give the other a pair of socks?

While I agree that it's stupid and greedy to assume anyone including your parents will or should leave you any money. I think it's quite iunderstandable to be upset if you know they are leaving soem to you but more to a sibling or some to a sibling but none to you. Because that;s not a fight about money. That's about parental love.

Many years ago SIL got £10k for a house deposit. DH got nothing but PIL casually said he could have his as extra inheritance when they died. I can almost guarantee this was never written into the will and as this has niggled all these years, if it hasn't been included I will be mightily pissed off on his behalf. It would just top off numerous unfairness over the years. Not so much the money, but a further example of favouritism and very hurtful.

feistymumma don't care cos feistymumma knows right well that the whole pot of gold will fall into her lap.