To just ignore her

[Yelloyello]

Would I be unreasonable to just ignore MIL calls?

Just moved to a new country, she now lives about 10 minutes from me. She is one the most irritating busybodies I've ever met. She always has to be right and have her own way. She doesn't listen, literally can't get a word in edge ways with her. Everything I do with our baby is wrong, she wouldn't do it like that and I need to try and do things the way she would. When she visited us for a week 5 days after our baby was born it was the worst week of my life and on reflection I should have told my partner to wait longer but he's an only child and she lived far away at that point and he wanted to show off the baby.

Anyway, my partner is away on a business trip. She came round the day before yesterday to see the baby and she's been calling me all day today. Up til now I've ignored and planning on saying I left my phone at home while I went exploring. (I didn't leave my phone but I have been out exploring the area)
I'd actually like to just spend some time at home, me and the baby, while we settle in and I can pack for our holiday next week in peace!
Also my partner never was expected to entertain my parents alone when we lived in the UK So i just feel a bit put out that I'm expected to host his mum. I know I could say I'm busy, but we moved here 2 weeks ago and I don't know anybody yet so it's quite an obvious lie!

You need to set boundaries now before she starts to set a precedent of encroaching upon your time. Just carry on ignoring her calls, send her short texts saying 'been busy, will call you soon' or words to that effect. Be formal and vague.

If you allow her to dominate your time, it will be even harder to make friends of your own.

As above! Start as you mean to go in. Ignore her calls. Invite her for lunch when your DH is around otherwise she can bugger off.

Ignore her calls but text back.
Hi mil, I've missed lots of calls from you, what's the emergency? I can't take calls at the moment.
When she says nothing, message back, well we're getting into a routine and enjoying exploring on our own, see you xday when dh is back.

Tell dh to text her - my mil never had my mobile number!!
Have her over only when he is around.
Worked great for me!
Make sure he backs up your parenting choices.

I don't understand the attitude some people have to their mil. Imagine when you're a grandparent and want to see your grandchildren. The thought that your DP needs to be there for you to see mil is just odd in my opinion and for the poster never giving mil their mobile number, they are family!

If you're going to be asking her to help/babysit/ do school runs etc in the future think about developing a good relationship with her. Have boundaries. Say you're out and have plans for however many days but invite her to come on another day. That should stop her constantly calling but maybe she's trying to be nice given you've relocated and still settling in

Some people don't fully comprehend the op do they?
My mil was bloody awful to me. Why would she have my number? She was an awful woman.

Just be firm but fair. Obviously you want to formulate your own life, but at the same time maintain a good relationship with your MIL. She’s just testing your boundaries at the moment, so you just need to be assertive and she will accept that you do need your own space. Don’t alienate yourself though, as she is your DPs mother and so is in your life to stay. Pick your battles.

Continue to ignore. Later send a message you had your phone on silent in the bottom of your bag, hope theres no emergency.

Dont say you forgot it - you'll be marked as forgetful and therefore shes justified to check up on you.

Say the ringing can disturb the baby so you put it on silent often.

You need a schedule of being busy. Find out about baby groups in the area, plan to have several things you go to. Get her in the habit you aren't available to be dropped in on, as you are always out and about. "You know MIL, I'm starting from scratch, making friends with children a similar age."

Busy, busy, busy.

No need for confrontation, just not be there.

She might be worried about you and baby.

Just text back--sorry I missed your calls. Is all ok? We are out at the moment. Message you in a few days.

As PP have said, it's important to keep things firm but fair.

Aye just ignore her, mine is similar and I ignore her for my own sanity.

@Windydaysuponus
That’s exactly what I’ve done. Minimal contact and dh always present when she’s there. It works for us. Tbh dh is supportive as he understands mil can be a total pain and he also supports our parenting choices so I’m glad he’s on board with everything and am very grateful.

Windydaysuponus- she's been pretty awful to me as well but I really don't like confrontation. However I feel like she gets away with stuff constantly because my partner never tells her to back off or sets boundaries.

tiptoetoothfairy- I hope I'll be more accepting of my son's future partner than she's been of me. I think my partner doesn't want to see her either a lot of the time! She won't be relied upon for those kind of things though, I really don't trust her with the baby.

Thanks for all the advice though. I know mils get a hard time, but she does give me an equally hard time also! She's the only part about the move I've been dreading.
I'm going to call her to come for breakfast tomorrow but say I need to go out again at 11.

I live very close to my mil and I'm a different country to my own dm and it's pretty okay although tbf my mil isn't an interfering busybody and is a very loving granny. It is also helpful that I'm still not great in her language and she doesn't speak English at all I think that you need to do a few things here if you want to form a sane and maintainable relationship. You must set boundaries and make it very clear that you have your own ideas regarding parenting and that you aren't looking for advice unless you ask for it. Advice is a hard one when you come from very different cultures and maybe have different ideas about what matters in child rearing but I've become very good at laughing off difference and ignoring advice Don't maintain an open door policy if you aren't comfortable with this - ask your dh to ask her to make arrangements to visit in advance and if you think you've seen her enough say no and don't justify it. However, don't say no for the sake of it though - grannies want to see their dg and you will be glad of her in the future. My dd adores her granny and it's brill when she gives us a rest or feeds us! Make yourself unavailable when you don't want to chat (as you have today) - it's okay not to be at someone's beck and call all of the time and if you don't start this way it's much easier in the long term.
I'd also recommend to make a start finding a social group as soon as possible - we have a Facebook group for foreign mums in our country and also foreigner websites so I'd look for the same. I've made amazing friends through mine because we really need each other. If there are no language issues then simply find parent groups or even social groups that you can join while granny looks after the baby???
Finally, if all else fails you can always mention the possibility that you might be taking the baby back to the UK - it never does any harm for mils to have a reason to keep you sweet but don't do it in an obvious stress-inducing way but more just drop living in the uk into the conversation occasionally 😂😂😂

This is one where you can imagine a different poster posting "I've just moved to a new country with a baby, my DH is away on business. My MIL only lives 10 minutes away and yet she is totally ignoring me; no phone calls, no offers for me to pop round or just to check me and the baby are ok" and most responders would agree that they would expect MIL to show a little bit of concern.

I can't see the issue with just answering the call and saying you have plans today.

Don’t make excuses as the people above have suggested. She will never get the message. You or your husband need to be totally clear with boundaries. If today you say “sorry I missed your calls, I left my phone at home” etc etc she will just do exactly the same again tomorrow or come knocking on your door and catch you in the act of lying to her.

Whatever you decide to say make sure your husband is prepared to back you up and reinforce the message.

@user148
Spot on! Great advice

@welshmamaofaslovak thank you! Yes I feel this is going to be the way to go. It just gets annoying constantly laughing stuff off and agreeing with her knowing that I won't be doing whatever it is, I just wish she'd listen and respect my opinion. As others have said I'll have to say just that and then if it continues there is actually a problem. Language isn't an issue. She just doesn't listen.
I have joined a few groups already and luckily this is a country where mostly everybody speaks really good English too

Thanks everybody for the support/advice!

It is annoying but tbf I'd be doing the same (and more so) with my own dm It's hard but we get there and we are stronger in the end for it a d put up with less bs from anyone - where I live they really live by the idea that it takes a village but only when they want to criticise so every older lady feels free to give you random criticism dressed up as advice! Today I was in the supermarket paying at the self serve till when my dd made a bolt for it and fell over, because my friend was holding her hand, but then a lady in heels was rushing and didn't see and trod on her!!! It was just an accident and my dd was fine but loud and I felt sorry for both her and the poor lady who got a heck of a fright. My dd has quite the shriek though and then the woman supervising the tills who was super grumpy told me to keep control of my child (we had been trying to do that which is why she fell in the first place)! I'm not prepared to tolerate that lack of support so I told her what to do with her shopping and marched out leaving her to deal with resetting the till and putting the shopping back! Luckily my friend is as bolshy as me and was okay with me doing that! #bolshyoldermamnas!!!! Shame though as I really wanted the shopping!!! Good luck - you'll find your way

I don't think you are unreasonable, I wouldn't want anyone popping round all the time if I had a young baby, it's nice to be on your own sometimes. However I wouldn't completely alienate her, that would be cruel and she is your child's grandma. Invite her on specific date at specific time. You might find she is helpful!

Your husband should tell her to keep her nose out regarding your parenting. My mother was dreadful like that and used to discuss everything with her relatives [rolleyes], taking things out of context and getting it all arse about face. However that phase doesn't generally last long.

Why on earth did you move so close to her when you knew what she was like?

Message her and say sorry you missed her calls because you didn't take your phone out with you. Then say you and baby are fine. Tell her you have a few errands to do are busy unpacking and will call round on Wednesday for a catch up. Have an answer ready for when she offers to help. ie no I'm sorting my knicker draw so its best if I do that myself.

*drawer

eek

Can you just move home? Especially if DP is away for work a lot. Go to where YOUR family and your support network is.

You/DD are not yet habitually resident in whatever country you're in, but soon will be and you won't be able to leave.
I could not live 10 min from my MIL.

My PIL do a particular holiday for two weeks each year. Same place in an enclosed space. Right from the outset 15 years ago there was no way I would do that holiday with them (or anybody else). Nor did my DH. Yet every year when they invited us he made excuses rather than just saying "thanks but it's not our thing". When it came to a head a few years ago he got no sympathy from me because he could have just been hinest from the outset. And I think it upset them more than it would have done 15 years ago

Be honest OP. "Thanks MIL but I'd like to spend today on my own. How about X". And keep doing that.