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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move back in with DM

38 replies

Daeneris · 05/10/2019 08:25

Name changed as don't want to be recognised and posting here for traffic, but it's more of a WWYD.

Background: I am a lone parent to dd 8. We live in a private rented flat. It's OK but it's all I can afford, there's no garden and I can't afford to save up to buy a home at the moment. I work FT Mon-Fri and get some tax credits as I'm on a low wage.

DM is getting a divorce (second marriage, he is not my father and we are not particularly close).

She has invited me and dd to live with her after the divorce. With the money she will get from the divorce she will be in a position to buy a 3 bedroom house.

On paper it makes sense financially - we would both be better off if we were sharing bills and living costs. DM and I get along well, and she adores dd and vice versa. She also works full time and works shifts including weekends (she's a nurse) so we would both get some "alone" time in the house.

Neither of us is looking for a relationship. I have no time as I'm focused on dd right now and DM says after 2 failed marriages she is never having one again!

I do have some reservations though, I do like my own space and moved out fairly young. But on the other hand it seems silly to keep paying rent if I could move in with DM and be better off financially, have a nice house with a garden for dd rather than a crappy second floor flat. And I will have no chance at buying my own home if I stay here because the rent is so high.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Fairylea · 05/10/2019 08:29

I wouldn’t. Chances are eventually one of you will meet someone else and that will put a spanner in the works unless you are all prepared to live together. (I lived with my mum until I was 33 through two marriages and having my dd, eventually it just became hell, two adults clashing over everything from housework to meals to budgeting etc, and then I met now dh and she didn’t like him and all hell broke loose! We ended up living separately but it damaged our relationship).

maternityleave234 · 05/10/2019 08:29

I do it personally - as it wouldn’t be forever would it? And your lifestyle would be a lot better than it is now and financially you would be better off.
My only slight reservation might be - how would you feel about your DM “parenting” your DD - ie telling her off,doing the stuff that comes when you live with someone? If you are ok with that they you will be fine.

Can you afford to lose tax credits? That would be my only query.

What are the schools like locally if you’ve not applied for schools for DD yet?

Fairylea · 05/10/2019 08:30

Op wouldn’t lose tax credits. Her mum wouldn’t be classed as a partner.

ScottishMummy12 · 05/10/2019 08:32

I would do it. It doesn't need to be forever but you would probably be able to afford to save for a deposit.
You won't lose tax credits.

WTFdidwedo · 05/10/2019 08:33

Yes I would definitely. Set a budget of money to put aside every month to put towards a place of your own so you've got something to aim for and a time limit on your time there.

Original poster

Daeneris · 05/10/2019 08:33

Yes, I wouldn't lose tax credits - I've looked into it. It's only if you are living with a partner. The only thing you lose is housing benefit which I don't get anyway.

dd is 8, she is already at school and we would be in the same area so she wouldn't need to move schools.

I guess I'm just concerned as we have never lived together since I was a teenager and we are in our 30s and 50s now! Even though we do get on well. And I want to give dd the best life I can and I can't do that in this flat with no money.

OP posts:

NataliaOsipova · 05/10/2019 08:39

Given you’re renting at the moment, why not say you’ll try it for a set period - say 6 months or a year? By the sound of it, even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll have saved some money?

NearlyGranny · 05/10/2019 08:40

I think it sounds like a brilliant idea! Three generation families can be lovely. You'd get some input on the choice of house, I guess, and if your DM buys one with an en-suite, you and DD will effectively have your own bathroom.

You'll be able to save money, your DM will come home to a warm, lively house, there will be economies of scale in shopping and cooking, you get to share the housework and your DD has even more love and support! Built in baby-sitting, too...

It won't be forever, and one or other of you will probably find a new relationship and move on, but if you've saved a nice nest-egg, you'll be OK.

Think how green it is to make one household, too.

As long as your DM isn't a my house: my rules type or likely to take over the parenting and you really get on, this could be a great solution.

Allthebubbles · 05/10/2019 08:41

I think if you have some good chats with your mum about how you both want things to work it could be really lovely. But I'd just take time to make sure you were going into it as two adults not a parent/ child dynamic.
I'm sure it would great for your daughter.

tikitent · 05/10/2019 08:44

It's a good idea as long as you are not tied in for a long time and your mum knows this.

firelightbright · 05/10/2019 08:48

My ndn have the same arrangements and it works for them so go for it.

BlueLadybird · 05/10/2019 08:49

Will your mum be relying on the money she gets from you to make her own household finances add up? If so, it’s a big decision because you can’t just ‘move out’ later as it would leave your mum in the lurch.

But if not I would do it. If it doesn’t work out you’re in no worse position than when you started. You can try to save up for your own place in the meantime. Just work out some ground rules so you don’t wind each other up.

KUGA · 05/10/2019 08:51

Sounds good on paper but the reality could be a mind field.
Two women sharing the same house with a young child could cause problems if not at first.
I suggest you both have a chat as to boundaries etc.

Original poster

Daeneris · 05/10/2019 09:01

BlueLadybird she will possibly rely on me at first but not forever. She will have a large enough deposit that she will only need to take out a small mortgage (around £50,000) which she intends to pay off over the next 8 years in time for her retirement. She's Band 7 in nursing and will have her NHS pension, a private pension and state pension so she will be OK for money once she is mortgage free.

I think a trial period is a good idea to see how we go. I do think it will be good for us all if we can get along!

OP posts:

Awrite · 05/10/2019 09:06

I think it's a no brainer and from the way you have written your op - you want this.

I moved home for a year when I was a single parent. Bloody loved it.

user1493413286 · 05/10/2019 09:06

I’d do it but set my bedroom up with a TV etc as somewhere I could I escape to if needed and have time to myself.
I also think you need to work out finances so that you could move out in the future without your mum having problems. I’d also work out some ground rules about how food and meals will work and that your mum doesn’t start parenting your DD.

Justkeeprollingalong · 05/10/2019 09:29

Definitely do it. It's a no brainer to me; you're renting now so aren't loosing a home, you'll be able to save, there'll be so many benefits for you all. I would say though to have a frank conversation about how things will work both financially and regarding the mother/daughter/granddaughter dynamics.
An amazing opportunity to get on your feet, make life less of a struggle and make your mum happy too!

Laterthanyouthink · 05/10/2019 09:30

Do you have any siblings?

OpiesOldLady · 05/10/2019 09:35

I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Actionhasmagic · 05/10/2019 09:35

I would do it!

Elpheba · 05/10/2019 09:39

I’d do it! Like pp say, do it as a trial period and see how it goes with you both having the option of saying it’s not working after x amount of months. And have an idea of expectations of babysitting/parenting/cleaning/cooking general house administration and housework. I’d move in with my mum in a heartbeat if the opportunity arose!

RightYesButNo · 05/10/2019 09:57

My only slight reservation might be - how would you feel about your DM “parenting” your DD

I think this is something you definitely need to discuss first, as you should before you moved in with any other adult, unless you owned a house and the individual was strictly a lodger with no other involvement.

The fact is that you probably need to sit down and discuss everything that could cause friction before you move in - from splitting utility bills to how hot to keep the thermostat in winter. All the things that can fester and turn a house-sharing relationship very sour.

If for some reason you can’t sit down and have this conversation, like some issues communicating between you and your mother, then I definitely wouldn’t recommend trying to live together.

IF you can sit down and talk it all through, then it definitely seems worth a trial period, for the benefit of you, your daughter, and your bank account.

Somebodystired · 05/10/2019 09:57

I'd do it in a heartbeat. If you realise after 6 months that you've made a mistake, the money you'll have saved in just that short amount of time would be worth it. If you did it for a year or two, it would make a huge difference to your savings.

UnderhandedBarbieDoll · 05/10/2019 11:29

I think it might work as long as you don't lead her to think it's permanent.

If it was permanent, potential spanners in the work that aren't unlikely:

either of you meets someone
what about ownership? You'll be paying half the cost of the place, so are you joint owners, or are you just staying with a relative and contributing to bills? This might sound trivial but what if she needs care, could you be kicked out? (Pertinent even in mid 50s, relative has been diagnosed with early onset dimentia at 49, this isn't something people's living arrangements expect)
have you sat down an worked out budget? E.g. how will the food shopping be split? Do you pay 2/3rds or half or whatever? Have you discussed the daily reality?
similar to point 3, what about essential repair costs? What's funding cosmetic nice to have stuff for the house?
parenting your child... Potential mess if not totally clear before hand.

UnderhandedBarbieDoll · 05/10/2019 11:30

how will her finances work if you move out? Could you be guilt tripped into staying because her budget needs you there?

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