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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My baby has been missed out

47 replies

pinkelephantsanddietcoke · 05/10/2019 03:48

AIBU? DH grandad died this week. Just seen the script for the funeral, it's ok... But mentions all the great grandchildren apart from our son who died aged 8 weeks.

AIBU to be a bit sad ? My other two children are mentioned, even my eldest who's 16 and a step great grand child really!

Everyone forgets about by boy x

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 05/10/2019 03:55

Firstly I understand your upset. I'm sure it wasn't done deliberately to upset you. A script can be changed - just ask the person liaising with the officiant to add a mention. It's easy to do - maybe your DH can have a word. The fact it's been shared in advance suggests that's why.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2019 04:11

Maybe they didn’t forget. Maybe they thought it would upset you more to remember your baby. How old was he when he died? Flowers

Iconapop · 05/10/2019 04:12

That must be incredibly hurtful and I am so sorry. Can you or your DH mention it and have his name added?
Obviously it a difficult and emotional time for everyone and I am sure no one will have done this intentionally but I know this does not ease your hurt.

sqirrelfriends · 05/10/2019 04:16

That's horrible op, I'm so sorry about your little boy. He deserves to be remembered just like the kids that are still here.

I do agree that he may have been missed out so as to not upset you and your DH, maybe have a quiet word to have his name added.

LoreleiRock · 05/10/2019 04:34

Tell your DH to change it. Of course it is important to add your boy. Although it is very nice that they treat the step-GS as their own, so I think they need to know this is upsetting to you.

PixieDustt · 05/10/2019 05:14

Oh no. This is horrible. Please get your DH to mention that your special little boy needs to be added to the script. They may not have meant it maliciously but it's nice for your DS to have a mention and to be remembered. I am so sorry what happened to you. Flowers

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2019 05:23

@Mummyoflittledragon 8 weeks. So tragic.

I agree it might have been done in a misguided attempt to save the OP's feelings. Some people, especially of older generations, think that's best.

I would get DH to have a gentle word and say that actually mentioning him is the right thing to do here and won't upset DH or OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2019 05:39

Sorry silly me. I read that as 8 weeks ago despite op not saying that. Getting your dh to have a word is a good idea.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2019 05:41

Well we are up quite late/early Grin

Too horrible for words whichever for OP and her DH.

TheClaws · 05/10/2019 06:03

It wouldn’t have been intentional. Just ask your partner to sort it out gently - ask if they’d mind adding your son’s name to the script as well? No need to be confrontational about it or anything like that.

Cantchooseaname · 05/10/2019 06:07

Perhaps that’s why you were given the script? Maybe they thought about it, but weren’t sure what you would want, and so did it indirectly.

I am sorry for your loss.

Bunnybigears · 05/10/2019 06:14

If they are anything like my family they will have deliberated for ages about what was the right thing to do and forgot that all they had to do was ask you what you would like. Ask them to include him.

Rowgtfc72 · 05/10/2019 06:16

When my dad died five years ago and we put the announcement in the paper we included my sister who had died at 12hrs old many many years previously. My family didn't even remember her and asked if we were mistaken.
I know in this case it was out of sight out of mind.
I would have a quiet word, it probably wasnt intentional.
Sorry for your lossFlowers

Palaver1 · 05/10/2019 06:28

Op no one forgets a loved one.
Death is a sensitive issue thus the emotion it has brought up in you.
It’s a case of not knowing how to address it.
They should have spoken to your husband if not you.
Do bring it up immediately before it’s to late to change.
This was not done to hurt or cause you pain.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2019 06:32

@Rowgtfc72 they didn't remember her? Bloody hell. That must have hurt a lot Thanks
I'm glad you were able to intervene

Soontobe60 · 05/10/2019 06:34

That's sad. When did your baby pass away? Also, who decided what was to be said at the service? I know when my DF passed away me and my DS organised the service and celebrant. We didn't share it with anyone before hand. Now I'm hoping we didn't upset anyone!

Rowgtfc72 · 05/10/2019 06:40

It was 1970. A long time ago. Only my dad and grandma saw her. My mum never did. I didn't find out till I was 7. She was never a secret as such, just never mentioned.

WeShouldOpenABar · 05/10/2019 06:46

Is the line something like "will be missed by" then it is understandable he isn't included. Ask for something to be added like we remember those who went before grandad and are waiting for him in heaven, a more appropriate place for his name.
I understand your hurt but its unlikely anyone has forgotten or done it deliberately they may need your permission to bring it up so as not to upset.

EdtheBear · 05/10/2019 06:50

I think they'll have debated and worried that you'd get upset if mentioned. Ask for your sweet angels name to be added.

Rowgtfc72 the people who'd forgotten were they of the same generation as your parents, or cousins / partners who came into the family after the baby?

The older generation death was a taboo subject. There was a general belief that stillborns/ infants were best forgotten and never discussed. So much has changed since the 70's.

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/10/2019 07:05

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

IdiotInDisguise · 05/10/2019 07:09

Obviously, if you have seen the “script” is because they wanted to discretely give you the option to add your other kid. They may have tried to avoid upsetting you. Just give them a ring and ask them to add your other child.

lljkk · 05/10/2019 07:30

Normally they only list the closest relatives still living who will miss the person who has passed. "John Smith died Thursday. He leaves a wife, 2 daughters and 3 sisters."

They don't list the 3 brothers that preceded John into death or his 3 nephews by the sisters.

I'm just being factual about custom. If you want your son mentioned then ring them to ask.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2019 07:36

We don't know that it said "missed" do we?

If the great-grand-children are just listed (which is how it's been done at the funerals I've gone to- plus grandchildren, children and siblings) it doesn't matter who did and didn't survive the deceased.

ilovecherries · 05/10/2019 07:41

I can understand your hurt, and would like to offer a different view. My FiL accidentally did this when he was putting together the script for my MiL funeral. Fortunately I saw it before any one else as I happened to be with him at the time, and I gently asked if he wouldn’t like my nephew’s name (his grandson) included. Of course he did, and was beyond mortified and upset he hadn’t thought about it himself. He was just distraught at the time, consumed with his own grief and not thinking straight. Anyway, it was fixed without my SiL even having to know. I suspect this might be similar, and the person organising things, especially if it’s a spouse, just isn’t completely together. A gentle ask will fix it, I hope.

GreenItWas · 05/10/2019 07:41

WeShouldOpenABar has it.

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