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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Playdates!

49 replies

FlipFlopChipShop · 05/10/2019 00:28

We had 10 playdates last year, 5 for DS1 and 5 for DS2. All the children invited here, went well, played nicely, tea eaten then returned home.

Once at their house for drop off the parents all said, 'we must have DS1 / DS2 over, will definitely arrange a date, would be lovely to have them etc'

But none of them did, out of 10 different children / parents, not one invite back.

Which is fine but just don't say you will invite them back infront of the child. Just say thank you for having X, glad they had a good time, bye.

OP posts:
Puddlejumps · 05/10/2019 00:35

I have the same thing, I don’t take it personally people are busy, but I do the play dates for my children and if I didn’t they would miss out. They rarely get asked back!

Original poster
FlipFlopChipShop · 05/10/2019 00:40

Tears from DS2 asking why he has never been invited when they said they would. 😨

DS1 has started to go up to parents and ask them if he can come over. 😟

I just wish people wouldn't over promise infront of them. I have now started to gloss over comments like that when they are listening to save the upset.

OP posts:
humbugbug · 05/10/2019 01:35

We have this too. I was talking about it just this morning. I think (hope) people are just busy, but I do worry sometimes.

raspberryk · 05/10/2019 01:43

People are busy, I feel bad for mine as a playdates take a military operation to organise, 10 days notice to cancel teatime club, spare booster seats, a day I know I'll be back for school pick up if at ours, avoiding football club, swimming, Fridays ...

justintimberlakesfishwife · 05/10/2019 01:43

We have the with one of my DS's best friends. They adore each other, but the friend's parents are rarely forthcoming with play dates. I'm happy to have their DC at mine, but DS gets really disappointed that he is hardly ever invited their. It makes me feel paranoid too BlushI'm just trying to take it on the chin.

Mediumred · 05/10/2019 01:44

Oh no, that does seem especially shit. Are the children you’ve invited over having other kids back? (Sorry, guess you might not know this). Umm, I do think with young kids often these out-of-school friendships (or at least play date culture) is driven by the parents. mums and dads tend to ask their friends’ kids over. Could you cultivate one or two of the nicer parents a bit? I do think it’s pretty rude of people to accept a play date, promise to return the favour and then do nothing! In fact really rude! Not sure about your lad asking parents directly though, think that could just lead to awkwardness.

raspberryk · 05/10/2019 03:44

Sometimes you just don't know the circumstances, we have been in various states of moving in, diy, kids room boxed up or messy, boxes of flat pack not build for months and it would be quite frankly embarrassing to have anyone round.
A friend admitted she could have the kids but couldn't afford to make a meal. You've no idea what the reasons are.
Mostly though we all have very busy lives and just can't facilitated play dates. They weren't a thing when i was young really we just played with the kids in our street.

SnowsInWater · 05/10/2019 05:31

When we lived in the UK I found a lot of parents were CFs when it came to play dates, especially if it saved them paying for after school care. The phrase "we must have you over" was just the polite platitude that came out of their mouths when saying goodbye. My experience of Aus has been much more positive and the fact that you were never expected to feed the kids more than an after school snack ("afternoon tea") was a real relief. No more "yuk, I don't like this" crap at teatime. I think if your kids enjoy having people over and you are prepared to continue knowing it won't be reciprocated fine, if it annoys you stop.

megletthesecond · 05/10/2019 06:04

It's really poor form if they suggest another play date in front of the DCs but never arrange it.
FWIW I've never arranged play dates at mine partly because I work 3 days but mainly because my DD has house trashing meltdowns. I wouldn't want one of DS's friends to witness that. So no formal play dates sadly.

Original poster
FlipFlopChipShop · 05/10/2019 08:20

I have seen them pick up other children for playdates so it isn't that they aren't taking place. Just not with my children.

Part of me wants to have a quiet word with one of them and just say please, please just invite DS1/DS2 over. But it's so beggy! 😦 I can't bring myself too.

OP posts:
Mediumred · 05/10/2019 12:07

That is so awful! Are there any that seem slightly nicer? Could you have their kids over again and then when they offer to reciprocate ‘oh, we must have Ds1 back soon’ try to pin them down to a date?

Could you try to get friendly with any mums and dads yourself? Especially those rare (but wonderful) beasts with two kids that your two both get on with and maybe do a meet up at the park or something so no one is hosting? I know the weather’s not great at the mo but all you need is it not raining. Good luck.

Bucatini · 05/10/2019 12:15

I agree that people are busy, but that rate of non-returned invite does seem particularly rubbish (especially as they seem to invite other children), so I think it's worth thinking over this a bit more to see if there is an underlying reason.

Could you have a quiet word with your DC's teachers to ask how they are getting on socially? Do you take them to any after school clubs, and have the chance to observe their friendships yourself?

Also, don't stop inviting other kids over! Just make it clear to your DC that they shouldn't expect an invite in return so they won't get upset.

MRex · 05/10/2019 12:16

Can you invite the same child for a second playdate? That might guilt them into remembering "oh no, my turn".

NoSquirrels · 05/10/2019 12:17

I think you have to just keep offering at yours, to be honest. And don’t be dropping the kids back- get their parents to collect them! Them’s the rules at our school anyway, you pick up from school & do play date and then the parents collect their child after tea.

I try to do what I can, but with 2 DC who all have clubs on different days, and friends who have clubs on different days, and working parents with different patterns ... well, it’s not as easy as might be ideal. We probably host a bit more than my DC get invited back but that’s for a variety of reasons. I try to look at it that if I want my DC to have friends to play outside of school with, I need to take the action I can control and not worry about what I cannot.

And I have impressed on them from an early age that you cannot invite yourself anywhere.

Original poster
FlipFlopChipShop · 05/10/2019 12:21

Yes, definitely don't want them inviting themselves over. DS2 stools crying on a friend's doorstep wanting to be let in. 😯

Both boys are loud and have been previously disruptive at school. This could be a reason but then surely parents wouldn't accept the playdate to our house if they didn't want them to mix?

Thank you very much for the replies. 😀

OP posts:
definitelyshouldknowbetter · 05/10/2019 12:31

I’m in the same situation, our house is like a bloody circus sometimes because we have two or three friends round, I genuinely don’t mind having them over and I love that his friends love coming to our house but it would be nice sometimes if he got an invite to someone else’s house, I know he does get sad about it sometimes.

titchy · 05/10/2019 12:31

Both boys are loud and have been previously disruptive at school.

Errr that's quite a drip-feed - there's your reason. Most people are happy to have a couple of child-free hours after school but no one wants noisy kids who are likely to run amok at their house.

Bucatini · 05/10/2019 12:33

Yes, I think this is the reason OP.

Original poster
FlipFlopChipShop · 05/10/2019 12:36

Not a drip feed.

My question was about why promise to invite children over infront of them after a playdate? Why not just accept the hospitality and that is it? Don't make false promises.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 05/10/2019 12:47

I'm sorry OP but that's the reason too. I only invite children round who are likely to be well behaved because disruptive children are too much effort.

They shouldn't say they'll invite soon but they're just trying to be polite.

NoSquirrels · 05/10/2019 13:09

why promise to invite children over infront of them after a playdate? Why not just accept the hospitality and that is it? Don't make false promises.

Sometimes it’s meant genuinely in the moment, but for whatever reason (and being loud and disruptive is definitely a part of decision-making I would guess) your DC coming for a play just isn’t a priority.

If my DC nag me enough to invite a friend I will, otherwise it’s a bit more “we still owe so-and-so a play” without any degree of urgency on my part.

If you think your DC might be considered difficult, definitely arrange a play somewhere neutral (soft play or the park) where you can also chat to the parents and they can see your DC interacting nicely with theirs - show the they get in fine. Also get parents to pick up after play dates from yours and invite them in for a cup of tea or a drink- again, show them it’s been OK.

PullingMySocksUp · 05/10/2019 13:44

What sort of age are they?

Are you sure the play dates went well? My DD went to one where the host child played on Xbox the whole time while she watched. Nothing like that going on?

I’m also a bit confused by ‘ DS2 stools crying on a friend's doorstep wanting to be let in.‘
Why are you letting him stand (presume autocorrect!) on a friend’s doorstep like this?

SuperFurryDoggy · 05/10/2019 13:54

I have done this without meaning to OP Blush

When I got DD home it transpired that, whilst she does not dislike the other child, she found them to be hard work one on one (will only play their choice of game, etc) and that she really didn’t want them back over. They had the same problem (mutual) during play dates years earlier, but after giving it another go it seemed that not much had changed.

If the other child’s parents asked me outright I would tell them, but I don’t really like to volunteer the information. Meanwhile, they continue to get on well in school.

Original poster
FlipFlopChipShop · 05/10/2019 13:55

Ages are 5 and 7.

Yes playdates went well, children have been back multiple times in the older child's case. Just never have invitations recripticated.

Walking back with a friend and their children, the older one just went to try to go to their house as we went past their door. As in we walked past their door, friend and children went in, son tried to go with them and got upset when he wasn't allowed.

OP posts:
SuperFurryDoggy · 05/10/2019 13:56

*When I say “mutual” I mean that the play dates were mutual. 2 each, from memory.