School Playdates!

[FlipFlopChipShop]

We had 10 playdates last year, 5 for DS1 and 5 for DS2. All the children invited here, went well, played nicely, tea eaten then returned home.

Once at their house for drop off the parents all said, 'we must have DS1 / DS2 over, will definitely arrange a date, would be lovely to have them etc'

But none of them did, out of 10 different children / parents, not one invite back.

Which is fine but just don't say you will invite them back infront of the child. Just say thank you for having X, glad they had a good time, bye.

Kind of wish I hadn't asked now as it's quite upsetting. Thanks for all your advice.

Unsure whether to keep plugging along or just leave it till they get older.

Hi OP

I think that's the reason. Their kids have probably talked to the parents about yours and embellished a bit and they are happy for them to play together but worried about having them in their own homes as they are unsure how to handle 'disruptive' children and worried about their house getting wrecked.

However they shouldn't say it infront of your children. Maybe they mean it but then their children tell them something your child did that put them off?

For what it's worth, what I would do is text the parents, suggest another playdate. If they say yes, say great, shall we do it at your house then? You can always be upfront and say you know they have a reputation for being disruptive at school but they're different at home, how about we trial it for an hour or so after school and you will stay so you can take them straight home if they misbehave. And dont worry about tea you can get it when you're home. That might put their minds at rest?

Otherwise suggest park or soft play together, your child gets to play with theirs, no pressure on anyone, they get to know you and your child without pressure and hopefully will lead to an invite.

Or just be a bit more pushy, when they say 'we'll have to reciprocate' say yes great idea, I'll be in touch with dates as it's a busy time so best to get something in the diary now' and then text them later with 3 or 4 dates in the next month to ask what's best for them.

If your DCs enjoy the playdates at your's then keep hosting. It's not worth trying to keep a tally. Tell your DS that people say they will invite back just to be polite but they have busy lives and it's not always possible.

I understand why you're upset

Thank you.

By disruptive I mean struggle to sit on the carpet, talking in class, enjoys physical play etc.

We have this although mine have been invited elsewhere occasionally.

Play dates round here seem to mostly happen where the mums and chummy with each other. So mums can have a "coffee and chat" while the kids play.
I run my own business and am happy to have kids over occasionally, but am rarely going to be able to stick around if the kids are invited somewhere. Hence am not on quite as friendly terms with the other less busy mums.

I have a teen and it still happens. Her friends mums and dads are more than happy to have their kids come around to ours and have sleepovers (one even casually mentioned in conversation that she tells her DD to come to ours on winter nights because she doesn't want them roaming around the streets in the dark) but when it comes to going in any of DD's friends houses it doesn't happen. Only one friend allows visits inside or sleepovers out of the group of 6 or 7 friends and at least two make the kids stand outside while their own eats dinner or nips in for a coat or whatever.

Get used to it OP. It's unfair but it's their choice.

I think people mean it in the way that we often say, oh it would be lovely to get together for lunch one day soon, but then don’t follow up. It’s a pleasant way of showing you appreciate the effort while being non commital for people. Isn’t that a very British thing to do?

But I know I also say that because honestly I do really mean I would love to have their dc over. But I work very long days with a long commute. The only day people seem to do play dates here are Fridays after school. Fridays are one one afternoon with both of my dc. I don’t want to share it with other peoples dc. I want quality time with my family. Same for school holidays. My days off when I can take AL are precious. I don’t want to share it and have my dc disappear into their rooms with friends. I want to do days out and spend time together. All the mums who offer play dates around here are SAHMs with husbands who work away or long hours. I suspect they want their dc to disappear off with a friend for a few hours to give them a break. But I see my free afternoons differently. We reciprocated a play date maybe twice in 2 years. I’m fine with that. I would love to be able to do more and I often say I want to, but really it’s just not doable.

If we were running a tally atm, we would be owed 3 sleepovers and 4 playdates. But DS enjoys having friends over so we still host.

It's just hard seeing the boys so sad about it. I always get swept along thinking, yes, this will be the one that will invite them back. And it isnt.

One mum promised the 5 year old a sleepover, described the pizza making they would do, superman duvets, bunk beds etc. It never materialised sadly.

We seem to be very much the hosts. I've decided to take it as a compliment and hopefully my dc will continue to use our home as a base when they're teen - then at least I'll know where they are.

It does suck but I think people are busy and some seem overly anxious re other people's dc. Luckily, with 3 dds I love a house full. All my dc are really well behaved in public so it can't be that that stops people inviting them but when they were little I think a lot of it was because they are twins and people thought they'd have to have both at a time.

DS2 stools crying on a friend's doorstep wanting to be let in.

If anyone let their child do that on my doorstep, it really wouldn’t make me want to invite them round!

If your children have previously been loud and disruptive at school, that is probably the reason; many people struggle to cope with challenging behaviour and don’t want that in their own house as it’s stressful and difficult.

That added to you letting them stand crying on doorsteps if they’re not allowed in and going up to other parents asking if they can come to their house, WILL be putting people off.

People do say things like-ahh, we must do this again-out of politeness and to fill a gap in the conversation.

If I were you, I would be making it very clear to my kids that crying on doorsteps and trying to invite yourself round to other people’s houses is not the way to go forward with this. I would simply keep inviting people that my kids like round to play.

I've decided to take it as a compliment and hopefully my dc will continue to use our home as a base when they're teen
mother yy that's what I think too. When I was growing up my friends always gravitated to our house - primary school, high school, as students at uni - everyone ended up at mine. It was where we got ready to go out, where we ended up staying after a night out, etc.

Yes I have told him he can't ask to be invited over or get upset about it. He struggles to understand why when he sees other children going home together.

No people shouldn't make promises they won't keep.
But that rate is diabolical, I'd be in asking the teacher how their friendships are, maybe they're on the outside on friendships and not making close ones. Ask for advice.
If other children are saying x got told off in class etc it might me putting parents off.
Could you invite a parent too, to see that the boys are well behaved.

In the past teachers have said they play with everyone rather than having a close circle of friends. On the outer circle of many groups. Maybe that is it? Lower on the pecking order. Thanks for the input.

I'm guilty of saying "we'll have to invite Harry over to our house" then not following it up.
In my case it's because my child decides they don't want Harry to come to our house.
I won't force my kids to have a child in their home when they don't want them here for the sake of politeness.
I have then tried to arrange a meet up in the park or at soft play but not always.

Notso, would you accept invitations from Harry to their house? Just interested if you would encourage that friendship with playdates at their house.

IME kids who play together it's for a few reasons, because they're parents are friends, because they are helping out with childcare for someone (picking up on Tuesdays, and other parent does Thursdays because of work commitments or whatever) or due to adverse home conditions, or they live very close by. Most of my "play dates" as a child had nothing to do with MY friendships and everything to do with my parents friendships, their work commitments and return favours for when they helped another parent out due to their commitments (work or health appointments). Otherwise we went to the park after school sometimes or our neighbours played round (so proximity). I think at various points me and my siblings would have a friend over a lot who's home life was tricky, so they came round a lot but we never or rarely went to theirs. One big reason was because they were in crappy housing or had no money (or both) or going through a divorce. My mum would always make too much dinner and our door was always open and people always welcome, but sometimes we kind of got "stuck" with a friend who came round a lot even when we fell out. So it might have looked like we were best friends, when really it was because of an arrangement between our parents we had no say in. I think basically because we had a big scruffy house with lots of kids in already, my family were quite relaxed about who was there. We were just a crazy noisy brood and even if we didn't have anything in common, if you were up for playing catch and eating a lot of pasta you would be welcome, because those were always on offer. But that was down to who my Mum was really (and still is) not our friendship making skills as kids. My advice would be always make the space (and some extra food if you can afford to) and strengthen your relationships with parents, don't expect it to come from your kids. And yeah, I know that's really hard. I'm not an open hearted extrovert like my Mum so it does not come easily or naturally to me, but my take away was that if you just keep on reaching out. No matter how many knock backs, you persevere. And always be kind. Kindness goes a lot further than pushiness in the long run.

Thanks Chloe!

We never had playdates as I am one of 5 children so Dad always said we had a house full already. All new territory here.

I think at that age it’s fine for them to ask ‘can I come and play at your house?’ actually.
I’d also re-invite the closest friends you’ve already had.
But I also wouldn’t worry too much at this age. My youngest is seven and I’m not convinced how much point there is to play dates.

I'd remind DC that it wasn't fair to keep going to 'Harry's' house if he didn't want him to come to our house FlipFlopChipShop though some parents and children I've found can find it hard to take no for an answer and keep asking and pestering.

I think one of the problems could be with them playing with everyone but noone in particular. Like most I am extremely limited in the opportunities I have to offer playdates. So when we do have one it is with one of the children that my DC are closest to. So while my DD plays with everyone in her class I don't have the time to have everyone over.

Do your DC do any after school clubs with children in their class. It could satisfy their want to spend time with their school friends after school as well as perhaps encouraging some closer friendships.

Same here. Base for the kids, cluster of them hanging around in the summertime (same ages as yours OP), yet nothing reciprocated.
We seriously reduced the playdates as I don’t understand why is it ok for everybody to come to ours yet mine don’t get invited anywhere.

And don’t get me started on this polite shitty British thing “ oooh,MUST meet up for lunch/meal out/coffee/playdate” if you have no intention to do so!

I've started replying to DD (12) right in front of her friends when she asks, "Mum can Susie sleep over tonight?" Saying something along the lines of, "Not again. But you have my permission to go sleep over at Susie's house for once?" ::pointed stare::

It's a bit mean but tbh I'm bloody sick of making the effort to accommodate my kid's friends but my kid can't so much as get over the door at their house. They're here so regularly that I know their habits, favourite songs, pop stars, tv shows and even what foods they like but there's no reciprocation. I kinda like the idea that my DD always has a place to hang out with her half dozen friends (our home) but it still grates a bit.