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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for your advise

30 replies

rm102 · 04/10/2019 21:04

Hi, long time lurker first time poster.
I have no-one to turn to and have''t even got this straight in my own head so please bare with me and I will try not to drip feed.
I have a friend who I have know for 20 years we met when I we were in primary school.
He is male and we have been very close since day one. He moved away a few years ago but regularly visits and sometimes stays over at my place. He came yesterday for a visit that was pre arranged and is due to go back on Sunday.
I live in a city and have a small apartment and we have always shared a bed our relationship is completely platonic or so I thought.
last night we went to bed at the same time as usual and watched a film then went to sleep all fine.
at about 3am this morning I was awoken to him removing my night clothes. I asked him what he was doing but he told me be shhh it would be nice. I must admit at this point a froze I couldn't speak move anything, I don't know what happened I just found myself completely frozen unable to do anything.
the friend then proceeded to sleep with me (something that has never happened In our 20 years of friendship not even mentioned.) so I am in complete shock. I didn't want it to happen however did not tell him to stop.
I don't know why I am tell you all this I just do not know what to do or even how I feel about it. he is currently out with other friends in the area and the only communication I received from him today was a text saying I hope you enjoyed as much as I did.
I feel so stupid for not stopping him but I physically couldn't move. I now feel sick at the thought of it and the thought of him coming back tonight. I missed work today due to being very confused and unable to think clearly.
could I asked for your advice

OP posts:
Dora26 · 04/10/2019 21:08

Freezing is a very common reaction to sexual assault/rape. Please do not let him back into your house - call someone to be with you if necessary and get help

relax2 · 04/10/2019 21:12

Oh gosh OP how awful. Your "friend" raped you last night . Please seek support , ring your local police or look for a rape support centre near you. Please don't let him in your house again in fact don't see him , he's isn't your friend Thanks

WellVersedInEtiquette · 04/10/2019 21:12

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was in a situation where I had someone I knew start to lift my nightie and touch me and I froze and was so scared I almost wet myself. Until you are in that situation you cannot understand how debilitating it is.
Sending you strength to make the decision that is right for you xx

Lockheart · 04/10/2019 21:13

Im so sorry OP.

First of all, do not let him back into your house under any circumstances.

Secondly, please call someone. If not the police (which I would personally advise ASAP), then someone like Rape Crisis or Women's Aid. They will be able to give you further support.

Original poster
rm102 · 04/10/2019 21:19

Thank you for your replies, I don't think he see this as what you are saying it is and to be honest I'm not sure I do, I didn't tell him to stop or do anything to stop him. Generally he is a good guy I don't know what to think

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 04/10/2019 21:20

You say you don't know how you feel about it but you clearly do. You feel sick at the thought of it. You froze and didn't stop him but you " didn't want it to happen however did not tell him to stop."

I'm sorry this happened to you but you did not consent to sex and that is rape. It wasn't your fault for not stopping him. You couldn't help freezing. You were in shock.

It is not normal behaviour to remove someone's clothing when they are asleep and start to have sex with them. He did not obtain your consent.

You need to seek help from an organisation like the Rape Crisis Centre in order to process this and determine what, if anything, you want to do about this.

I suggest you do not allow him back into your home as he may do this again.

Please seek help to deal with this.

Lockheart · 04/10/2019 21:25

It's up to you OP, we can only give you advice. But if you don't see it as rape, how do you feel about the fact he might do it again tonight if you let him back in?

If the answer is sick and scared, there's your answer. You already say you feel sick just at the thought of him coming back.

relax2 · 04/10/2019 21:29

Op watch the cup of tea consent film on you tube. Then think about it - the general theme is I offer you a cup of tea, you don't agree or disagree therefore I can not make you drink said cup of tea- this is what consent means. Unless you absolutely said yes you wanted to then it's not ok.

Original poster
rm102 · 04/10/2019 21:43

Thank you for your replies I think I am struggling to process it.....everything keeps replaying in my head and all I can think is that it's my fault for allowing him in my bed.....but it's something we have always done. I have text to ask if he can stay somewhere else tonight
I do not want him to think it will happen again

OP posts:
Dizzywizz · 05/10/2019 22:17

How are you @rm102? I hope he hasn’t been back round to your house

Original poster
rm102 · 05/10/2019 23:36

I am not good he came back however I didn't answer the door and he eventually left he says he wants to talk and see what's up with me. He ask if I regret what's happened which I do so much I just feel really ashamed right now I can't even sleep in my bed as i panic as soon as i enter the room. I should never have let him sleep in the bed with me I am such an idiot. He didn't use protection either and In my stupidity I did not go and get emergency contraception because I just couldn't think straight at the time. I feel completely lost right now

OP posts:
SunflowerSuit · 05/10/2019 23:42

You can still go and get the MAP, please contact the police. Are you in the U.K.?

Original poster
rm102 · 05/10/2019 23:51

I didn't think it would still work. I am in the UK and have thought about calling the police but they will feel it is my fault I feel. Also he would loose his job if he gets a conviction. I also have no proof this has happened other than a text saying I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did (from him) and I dont think i am strong enough to deal with it. on top of this I don't think I could even verbalize what happened. I have never been in this position. I feel like giving up right now.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 05/10/2019 23:57

It'll work for 72 hours I think, and a coil can be put in I think effectively preventing pregnancy for up to 5 days afterwards.

It is not normal behaviour to remove someone's clothing when they are asleep

This is key. There was no discussion of consent, there was a "shhhh". It's not right and it's not in any way your fault.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 05/10/2019 23:57

Hi OP

Raoe is sex without consent. You were asleep when he started undressing you, this is so clear cut, there is not way he could argue that he misread the signals, you didnt say no etc...because you were asleep. Even if he really, genuinely, thought you really liked him, even if you were married, starting undressing someone when they are not awake is never ever ok. No wonder you are feeling so confused he was meant to be a friend and has abused this trust you had in him in the worst way possible.

I would -
Get the morning after pill
Speak to a rape crisis centre
Get an STI check.

You dont owe your rapist anything. You dont have to explain why you dont want to see him again if youd rather not. He failed to get any form of consent from you. Freezing is totally common and a normal physiological response to a terrifying situation as in situations where someone is bigger and stronger than you it can be dangerous to fight. This was in no way your fault not even slightly

sandygusset · 05/10/2019 23:58

Is he staying elsewhere tonight??

I'd be tempted to text him "I didn't enjoy last night, I didn't want it to happen, I've never indicated I wanted an intimate relationship with you, and yet you decided whilst I was asleep that I did? I froze. Please find alternative accommodation whilst I get my head around this"

GettingABitDesperateNow · 06/10/2019 00:06

MAP works up to 72 hours but the sooner the better so go first thing in the morning.

The police will believe you as they know false reporting is very rare and they should be trained in being sensitive to your situation. However unfortunately it is very hard to secure a conviction (unless there are independent witnesses or it's a violent stranger attack) so what would probably happen is that they would interview him and unless he confessed or there was other evidence such as him apologising to you, I guess it would be unlikely to go to trial. So he is, statistically, unlikely to be convicted for this. I'm very sorry and I wasn't sure whether to post this but thought you may want to know. I am not trying to put you off as clearly he deserves to be convicted, but you have to focus on what's best for you now.

It might be worth talking to them as they could point you in the direction of some support and also speaking to him might stop him doing this again. If not though they have his details on file so if he did do it again and someone complained then they may have a better case or his DNA on file etc. It is totally up to you though.

Have you got a friend or family you could call for support tonight?

Original poster
rm102 · 06/10/2019 00:10

Thank you for your responses and advice. I will be going to get the morning after pill as soon as possible tomorrow. I dont know where he is staying tonight to be honest I have been ignoring my phone completely I feel like I have just been stareing into space since it happened. I am so worried about talking to him now I dont feel I can be alone with him but he is insisting we talk about it. I truly dont think he thinks he has done anything wrong. I am very afraid to ring the helpline as I dont even know that I can admit what has happened

OP posts:
KellyHall · 06/10/2019 00:13

Don't contact him again.

Call the police so any evidence can be collected.

Get the MAP.

Know that it's not your fault Flowers

GettingABitDesperateNow · 06/10/2019 00:20

You don't have to talk to him. I know it's very hard when you thought he was your friend but he has raped you. He is a rapist. He is a criminal. You do not owe him any time or any explanation for not talking to him. Also if you did want to go to the police, you may have to explain why you replied to / talked to / met up with him after.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 06/10/2019 00:20

Also I'm sure he will try...but there is absolutely nothing he can say that can justify what he did

PixieDustt · 06/10/2019 00:27

I am so sorry OP but you were raped.
He tested the boundaries and thought you would stay hush hush about it. You need to phone the police, file a report before he goes home. You have taken the right steps not to let this rapist back in your house.
Of course you were going to freeze OP, you were confused and scared. Do not feel like this is your fault. You need to report it before he does this to another person.
You're worried about him loosing his job.. he didn't think twice about doing an act which can ruin your life.
You're a strong woman but please file charges and get real support.
Thanks for you OP xx

Original poster
rm102 · 06/10/2019 00:31

I am not replying I just can't right now I have just read over the texts and he wants to see if we can be in a relationship he texted me.....now we have made love I think we should make this official....genuinely I feel sick and was shaking when I read this.....but i am reading all your replies and they have been so helpful .... the one thing I am really struggling with is to read the word every time I come to it I just feel incredibly sick. Why didn't I just tell him to stop. I dont feel like we "made love" at all I feel dirty and disgusted with myself

OP posts:
GettingABitDesperateNow · 06/10/2019 00:38

It's so so common to freeze. A quick google search shows you are not alone. There is even a campaign about it www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/i-just-froze/