Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It's that time of year again off to Rutshire

124 replies

Slaymill · 04/10/2019 20:50

I want to have a bubble bath then liberally douse myself in L'Eau d'Issey. Then wander downstairs to the cottage lounge to sit in front of a fire of apple logs, wearing only a dark blue towel.

I want swishy hair and rosy cheeks from country walks with the dogs so the local village widower/reformed seducer/newbie falls madly in love with me.

I want to drink Moet from tooth mugs or ancient heirloom crockery.

I want my new love to take me to their achingly rich family who are super friendly and have houses all over the world.

I want to live in Rutshire.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 15/10/2019 12:10

Excellent mug link. They don't do them in Prussian blue though Sad

So yeah it's a feminist book club and the others had never read a Jilly Cooper Confused

DogAndCatPerson · 15/10/2019 12:16

Oh, she’s a real guilty pleasure.

DogAndCatPerson · 15/10/2019 12:17

I’m going to use this month’s audible credit to d/l rivals. I’ve read most of them but a jilly to accompany the hoovering would be marvellous

HighlyUnlikely · 15/10/2019 12:33

@Slaymill... Yes they have all turned up, sadly not with the Jilly covers of my youth.
I blasted through Harriet in one sitting, then Imogen (my favourite, I think)... I just loved it when Matt takes her shopping and transforms her in dusky pink trousers and duck egg blue sweaters. Oh to be spoiled by a dissolute journo on the Riveria.

Blobby10 · 15/10/2019 12:51

I've read all the JC books many times over - I confess to naming my daughter after Tabitha Blush and yes, she does get shortened to Tabs Grin.

Would love to be one of the characters who loses weight everytime she is miserable - even the ones I originally identified with - Lizzie and Daisy the always a stone overweight ones who tried hard to be smart but ended up looking scruffy - ended up losing weight when they were unhappy!

AgathaMystery · 15/10/2019 19:20

The Audible JC are brilliant! Such escapism.

Off to fill up the deep freeze now

MargotLovedTom1 · 15/10/2019 19:34

God I love Jilly. Had a horrible couple of months in the summer which led me to plough through all my Coopers for comfort reading. Even Mount, and bloody Buttercunt. Anyone who's not read any Rutshire books should definitely start with Riders.

OP - I'd just go simple with your mug and have: "I'd rather be reading Jilly." Or how about: "I'd rather be ravished by Rupert,"? Grin

marvellousnightforamooncup · 15/10/2019 19:36

I'm off to Jilly country tomorrow. Wrong time of year though, you really need to go when the wild garlic is out.

LizziesTwin · 15/10/2019 19:39

I’ve just read Mount & loved it. I read all the Riders, Rivals, Polo etc as they came out. Very relaxing, wonderful escapism.

TileFloors · 15/10/2019 19:47

They’ve also been my go to when I’m miserable, ever since I was about 15. Bloody love the Rutshire chronicles.

Also agree with the PP who said they helped her navigate the posh/upper middle class world when she met it - yes, me too, though I’d never thought of it before!

AgathaMystery · 15/10/2019 20:45

I think 'I'd rather be ravished by Rupert' is the best mug saying... except I named my cat Rupert Campbell Black. So there's that. ConfusedHmm

wattytanker · 17/10/2019 22:38

I'm re-reading Mount because I just found it on my kindle. Was supposed to be reading Philippa Perry's book on parenting but instead I'm in Rutshire with shivering greyhounds who wolf down beef wellington lovingly prepared by Taggie for Rupert's return.

Jilly Cooper is literary equivalent of procrastination.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 21/10/2019 15:59

Just finished this old classic, Prudence. Think draughty big old house in the Lake District, thick snow, and managing, by accident, to get off with all of the brothers.

“Rose had obviously had too much to drink and no time to wash her hair.” A variation of a line found in all of her books.

God knows who designed the cover, but the outfit does not reflect the character of our crazy heroine at all. The old cover with young Jilly modelling was way better.

The literary equivalent of hot chocolate and crumpets by the fire (and yes, procrastination as well).

It's that time of year again off to Rutshire
MrsToothyBitch · 21/10/2019 17:43

It's the time of year that sees me reaching for Jilly, too! I refuse to read mount after the disappointment of wicked and jump. Start with riders & stop at score is my advice.

I've had a bit of a JC day, actually Blush. I've lost some weight, I've been wafting around in a cloud of blonde hair & a perfectly distressed 2nd hand mens Barbour & had a nice chat on the phone for work with someone v posh in the Blues & Royals (RCBs old regiment!). This evening I'm firming up arrangements to attend a ball later this week, hopefully & then I'll drive past many stables to get to the country club. I'm also bloody broke. Am I Jilly enough? Grin

wattytanker · 21/10/2019 19:51

@MrsToothyBitch I skip Wicked (boring and hugely inappropriate) and Jump (boring and weird) too.

Mount, however, is return to form for Jilly (apart from some plot twists that just pissed me off but that's because I'm way over invested!)

MrsToothyBitch · 21/10/2019 22:32

@wattytanker buttercunt puts me off - not envy --->Envy ! Also I haven't forgiven her for Billy yet. Angry

BareKneesDeCourcy · 22/10/2019 09:36

MrsToothyBitch

The reason your blonde hair is a cloud is because that beastly manly man who you can’t stand (but will clearly end up marrying) found you dripping wet and underdressed in the draughty passage, and vigorously towel-dried your hair for you, making it go all fluffy.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 22/10/2019 09:39

And who the hell does RCB think he is, having an affair with Buttercunt, when he’s married to the lovely, adorable Taggie? That disappointed me so much.

She was an idiot to plan that huge party for him though, when she knew he’d hate it.

I can’t remember what happened to Billy. I always thought he was slightly lame.

MrsToothyBitch · 22/10/2019 14:03

@BareKneesDeCourcy I wish! Although I did manage to persuade the object of my desire to attend my ball on Friday. Clearly I now have to eat nothing but grapefruit to lose many pounds and must bathe in Fracas before painting on luscious red lipstick which I will then chew off with nerves! I will obvs get ready with a bucket-full of Moet and be transformed into a goddess with perfectly made up, brilliant cambridge-blue eyes who then falls into waiting, longing arms! Grin

JC killed Billy off in Jump! Angry. I really wished she'd split him & Janey up permanently. He deserved a lot nicer and he only ever got with Fen because he thought Janey had left for good; he wasn't a cheat as such. Although I suppose the point of Billy is that he's a tragedy of missed potential. Sad

BareKneesDeCourcy · 23/10/2019 09:35

You must add steak to your diet. Also, you must sit about with your elbows in lemon-halves for bleaching purposes.

Also, you can get away with the odd Kit-Kat, but only if you give half of it to your Labrador (dogs are fine with chocolate in Jillyworld) while you muck out the horses.

penisbeakers · 23/10/2019 09:39

Francesca was bored. She was hidden away in her obnoxiously large English mansion whilst her husband was away on business - AGAIN. She felt ever so neglected, this was not the love and excitement filled life he had promised her.

She had played all the games to completion on the diamond encrusted XBOX. The special edition solid platinum PS4 was broken because the dog wee’d on it, so much for it being waterproof. Endless cardio in their fully fitted gym just wasn’t cutting it, what she needed was a jolly good seeing to.

She was gazing out of the front window - one of many front windows she was pleased she didn’t have to clean. The COAL MAN WAS DRIVING UP TO THE ENTRANCE, his van crunching over the gravel slowly.

He was HOT.

She put down her giant coffee filled mug that was printed with life affirming quotes, and raced to the front door in her socks, accidentally slipping across and landing in a heap against the THICK WOOD of the aforementioned door. Three HARD THUDS rocked it in its frame, and she gathered herself up, pushing her tousled hair from her face and tidying it up a bit.

She opened the door. He was all dirty. She greeted him enthusiastically, shooing away the housekeeper who was trying to elbow her way in.

“Go AWAY MAUREEN!” she hissed behind the door.

”Gosh you look like you’ve been working hard today Michael”, she said to the coal man as she eyed the streaks of coal and sweat on his topless torso. He was only wearing a dirty pair of Levi 501s, and steel toe capped boots. His hands were in gloves of course, but he pulled those off and dropped them on the steps.

He beamed at her, his eyes lighting up with that perfect grin that made her happy in the pants.

“Shall I go to the back entrance with my delivery as usual miss?” He asked her, not taking his eyes away from hers.

“Yes of course but when you’re finished please come back because I want to talk to you”, she offered in response.

He winked at her and went to grab their weekly delivery from the van, his muscles rippled and moved which made her bite down on her lip and a sharp intake of breath. She watched him throw it over his shoulder effortlessly, his boots crunching over the gravel as he went to the back entrance to fill her woefully empty coal bunker.

She slammed the front door, and ran through the house at stupid speed to get to the back entrance, and pulled open the double doors to make her way to the bunker. He was just undoing the bag and was emptying the bricks. He didn’t see her until he’d finished, wiping his hands on his jeans after stupidly taking his gloves off before.

She let her eyes travel up and down his body, biting her lip again and watching him try to clean his hands off a bit more. She stepped back and insisted that he come inside so he could at least wash his hands.

“Oh no I couldn’t do that miss, I’ll get your insides all dirty!”

“Nothing that won’t clean up now, I insist. It’s very hot out there, come inside and have a break and clean up.”

She could hear the housekeeper lurking in the background again and she gritted her teeth and turned around to glare at her.

“That will be ALL Maureen, you are finished for the afternoon.”

She directed his hotness to the sink, but he didn’t want to get her taps filthy so he asked her to switch them on for him. He was right behind her, he smelled of coal and musk and sweat, it made her head reel. She tossed her hair a little, she wanted him to feel it on his face.

“Oh I need to get some soap out from under the sink just a moment”, she said softly, thrusting her shapely backside against him without any warning, knowing full well his filthy jeans would mucky up her soft pink Prada leggings, but she didn’t care.

He must have sensed what she wanted because he didn’t move an inch, her glorious behind was pressed hard against his lap, and she could feel something stirring..

She grabbed a bottle of Marks and Spencer’s tea tree and mint liquid soap, and turned around, leaning back against the sink, his coal streaked face with those deep brown eyes gazing back at her. She met his gaze and a singular trickle of sweat moving down between his chest and onto his abs, caught her eye. She held the soap up briefly, but her eyes told him all he needed to know. Before she knew it, his filthy, coal streaked hands were in her hair, one moving down to the curve of her glorious Prada wrapped rump. He grabbed at her like a hungry wolf, growling in her mouth, kissing her like he wanted to eat her.

He reached around her and tore the leggings off her to reveal that her GLORIOUS CLAM was knicker free, and only slightly adorned with a neatly trimmed lady garden.

He dropped to his knees, and decided that now would be the perfect time to go muff diving. The fuzz on her beaver tickled his nose and made him sneeze once, but it wasn’t long before his tongue was going a filthy fandango against her flaps at the sink.

She buried her hands in the darkness of his hair, gripping it and writhing against him, thinking about what she would find inside his jeans.

She pulled him upwards, his face smeared with her tender juices as she kissed them off him. She unbuckled his jeans and reached inside, feeling his pulsing shaft bursting for her touch. She pushed his jeans down to the floor, and he reached around her again, picking her up effortlessly to mount her on his throbbing member. He thrust into her, her neglected love hole filled once more with a man and his trouser tackle. They were both smeared in coal and sweat, tangled together in a mess of lust and desire. He turned her around, and rested his hands on her ample rump, pumping her lady garden like his life depended on it.

One hand grabbed her hair, and she moaned out loud about how she’d been longing for his meat, but it went unheard as he pounded against her and filled her with his fantastic seed of love, right at the moment her precious lady glove clamped around him and climaxed. They slumped against the sink, panting heavily smeared with coal and infidelity. “Oh Michael”, she breathed. “That was best I’ve ever had!”

Jillyhilly · 23/10/2019 09:43

Fabulous thread. I haven’t read these books in years.

Oh for the days of nervously tipping half a bottle of Miss Dior down one’s cleavage and shaking back one’s tawny mane.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 23/10/2019 10:23

penisbeakers

I think that most excellent excerpt came from a book written by her slightly drunk alter-ego, Silly Cooper.

Who gets a coal delivery in the middle of summer? Very suspicious! It’s almost like she was looking for an excuse to see him.

penisbeakers · 23/10/2019 10:34

@BareakneesDeCourcy

I wrote that mess alllllll by meself. I wrote it a while ago in response to something else on another site that was equally amusing.

I'm a terrible person. Grin

penisbeakers · 23/10/2019 10:35

Oh for fucks sake. We need an edit button. Sigh