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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I go without my 18 month old dd?

45 replies

Breastfeedingworries · 04/10/2019 08:37

I’m posting for traffic. 👍🏻

I’m really unsure about whether I can or should do this so I’m wanting advice.

Before my baby was born (I was newly pregnant and naive) I was invited to go to an abroad wedding in Jamaica in may 2019 for 16 days. I was invited as close friends plus one and I know the family.

My dd will be 18 months at the time of the holiday. I’m a single parent (her dad is very involved and seen her every week set times and days) I didn’t think of the holiday again and put it out of my mind but as the months have gone by LO is so independent. She’s done everything early, we go to so many groups, she’s around strangers and different family every week. She’s been staying over night since 9 months old, every other Saturday. I breast fed until 6 months so didn’t consider it then (I need to change my username!)

I’ve dared to hope it could be a possiblty. It’s a once in a life time holiday, first class flights, first class accommodation all paid for. I’ve got enough notice that her dad could book the time off work. :/

She will be so young and not know where I am! That’s the thing am I really selfish wanting to do this? :( I’d also love the break! Doing everything on my own is so hard. Would it be too cruel though to leave her 16 days? Would it do too much damage?

Thanks let me know your thoughts Sad

OP posts:
GirlInterrupted · 04/10/2019 08:39

Huh? May 2019 is long gone?

FenellaMaxwell · 04/10/2019 08:40

If she’s only ever been away from you for one night then 16 days might be quite a jump - can you go for one week instead of two?

Hahaha88 · 04/10/2019 08:40

Yes absolutely go. Your DD will be fine. Enjoy it!

OoopsDidItAgain · 04/10/2019 08:41

I assume OP means 2020.

OP it will be fine, just go. She has two loving parents. As long as you know her father can take good care of her there is no reason at all you can't go and have a good time. Just FaceTime her.

Novembersbean · 04/10/2019 08:43

If the dad is happy to have her and seems confident it wouldn't be an issue then why not. I think it depends how closely bonded she is with the other parent - if I went away for two weeks my 11 month old would honestly be fine because she'd still have her dad.

Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 04/10/2019 08:54

Sorry I meant 2020 Blush

She’s very bonded with her dad, when he collects her she’s laughing and smiling at him. Also when he leaves to put all her things in the car (if she’s staying the night) she always starts crying until he comes back, she looks for him and smiles again when he comes to get her.

I haven’t asked him or told anyone about this yet, I thought I’d get the general opinion from Mum set first. I have until jan, by then I have to give them an answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 04/10/2019 08:56

Oh the flights and everything are paid and set up for the 16 days, I’d have to pay to for other flights if I was going for less time and I really couldn’t afford that. I will have to give some money as a gesture as per person the holiday costs 6 thousand. I think they’d be happy with 1 thousand and I could comfortably save that for this type of holiday.

OP posts:
BeardofZeus · 04/10/2019 08:57

If you’ve never been away from her for more than a day but she has shown herself to be adaptable to different caregivers, I would go but probably only for a week

katmarie · 04/10/2019 08:58

You have plenty of time to work up to it as well, you don't need to go from 1 night to 16, you can build up to it, let her dad have her for a couple of nights at a time, maybe a weeks holiday. It sounds like she has a fab relationship with him which is wonderful, and it would be an amazing holiday for you.

MarthasGinYard · 04/10/2019 08:58

I couldn't go for that long, no way.

It's very tempting though

lyralalala · 04/10/2019 09:00

Could you build up to it?

Could her dad have her for 16 days? Does it fit in work/childcare wise?

Has she ever stayed for more than one night?

I would if you were happy with it, but one night to sixteen is too big a jump so I’d have to do a couple of two/three/four night stays before then.

PaquitaVariation · 04/10/2019 09:00

I would go, babies have no concept of time and if she’s happy overnight I think she’ll be fine.

Clangus00 · 04/10/2019 09:00

You’ll be fine and so will she, she’ll be with her dad and they’ll have a great time together.

Purplejay · 04/10/2019 09:00

I wouldn’t have gone as i would have missed DS too much never mind him missing me! I would have worried that he wouldn’t understand Where I was and think I wasn’t coming back too. It is different when they are a bit older. Also, it is a big jump for your DD to go from an overnight stay to 16 days. Could you just go for a week? Maybe you could skype. You have a little while to decide yet.

lyralalala · 04/10/2019 09:01

Also first class flights that you have to decide by Jan by sound like there could be an element of flexibility so if you are unsure then you could maybe look at changing them

AudacityOfHope · 04/10/2019 09:02

I would go!

Be prepared to miss her a lot. It's quite a long time to be childfree - I regularly go away for a week for work and there's just this constant gap in the background the whole time.

But then I get home and within two minutes they're driving me mad again! Grin

Work up to a few more nights, it'll be fine.

BertrandRussell · 04/10/2019 09:03

Talk to her dad about it- but I think it sounds brilliant. Go!

BertrandRussell · 04/10/2019 09:04

But I would build up to her staying a few nights with her dad- don’t go straight from 1 to 16z

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/10/2019 09:05

I'd go like a shot. She'll be with her dad after all - It's a brilliant opportunity for them to bond and a brilliant opportunity for you to get some down time. I imagine that, as things are good between you and ex, he'll be having her for a fortnight's holiday every year anyway, so this is practically the same thing.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/10/2019 09:05

Agree that I'd probably try to get a few longer stays in before then though. 1 night to 16 is a big jump.

AJPTaylor · 04/10/2019 09:05

I think the answer is a frank discussion with baby's dad. And then build up to him having her a lot more over the next few months.
It's a long time though and I suspect you might be surprised at how much you miss her!

QueenofmyPrinces · 04/10/2019 09:07

I couldn’t go but I say that as someone who is married to the dad so I have always have someone on hand 24/7 to give me a break - which he does very often.

If I was a single mom with 24/7 responsibility at home with no regular breaks or general practical and emotional support at home, then the idea of escaping for 16 days would be very, very appealing!!

Why don’t you just go for a week?

And between now and then you can slowly build up the time your daughter is away with you so that by May 2020 being away from you for a week would be completely normal for her.

Don’t feel bad for wanting to go OP - we all need a break at time Flowers

HavelockVetinari · 04/10/2019 09:07

She'll be fine if you go, but you might not be - you'll miss her terribly! Make sure you arrange to WhatsApp/Skype every day. Have a brilliant time!

Usingmyindoorvoice · 04/10/2019 09:09

Please go, yes you will miss her but she will be absolutely fine staying with her dad, especially as you describe them have no a close and loving relationship.
To put this in context, when my dd was the same age I had to spend the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy in hospital. She came to see me only once because she was devastated when she left the ward. When she got home she quickly settled down and pottled around happily looked after by my mil and dh. She absolutely was not damaged by my absence and is the most wonderful, happy young woman.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 04/10/2019 09:10

I couldn’t go and wouldn’t enjoy myself at all. But I’ve never had a night away from my DC as I can’t bear the thought of it!