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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or was this a bit rude?

76 replies

Funkyslippers · 04/10/2019 08:05

A few nights ago one of the mums from the school arranged a meal out in the evening. I was ready to arrive on time but the friend I was going with was really late so we go to the restaurant late, to find there was a table of 12 mums already seated, drinking, laughing, chatting etc. We said "hello" then the waiter directed us to a table of 6 at right angles and behind their table so half of the people had their backs to us. One other mum arrived and joined our table. Now I didn't mind sitting with my friend & other mum but not a single person from the big table came over to our table, even just to say hello, as I do know a couple of them a bit. Most of them completely ignored us! I felt like we'd been forgotten about and a bit excluded. We even thought a couple of them could have joined our table to even it up a bit. At the end of the night most of them just got their coats, said goodbye to those on their table and left. AIBU to think it's a bit rude or am I just over sensitive?

OP posts:

Sherloidbaisherloid · 04/10/2019 09:35

I think you were rude being so late. It would have been annoying for everyone who arrived on time if they had to wait for you to arrive to start. Also, having worked in a small restaurant years ago I can appreciate how difficult it is to fit in a large group, sometimes the only option is to have 2 separate tables next to each other. You could have stopped beside their table to have a quick chat before you sat down?

Belfield · 04/10/2019 09:45

I think when the tables are divided like that (which isn't ideal) then it is up to both parties to move around the tables. I don't think the onus is just on the larger table to do that, as you could have said hello also. In fact the larger table might have felt that this is where most people are so the obvious place for joining/conversations. It is just bad planning I think. I can understand your viewpoint though and it is not wrong but maybe you could see the other side.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 04/10/2019 09:45

I would have apologised profusely and said hi to everyone then ask the waiter to budge the tables up and let me join and got on with my night, but that's just me

Bouledeneige · 04/10/2019 09:46

In such big groups it's hard really to talk to everyone you want to. I do t really think it was rude - next time get there on time and sit with other people.

JacquesHammer · 04/10/2019 09:48

YANBU. Turning up 20 minutes late was frightfully rude.

verticality · 04/10/2019 09:48

I don't think they sound rude. I think it sounds like someone booked an inapproprate restaurant for a large group.

shearwater · 04/10/2019 10:02

It would have been nice to sit everyone together or at neighbouring tables but as you were so late (I note it wasn't your fault) you missed out, and as the restaurant was small they couldn't accommodate it. I think everyone saying hello and sitting at their respective tables was normal in the circumstances. YABU to expect people to move when they are settled in though. Maybe pick, or suggest a better venue next time.

Also people have to get back for babysitters and so on, or have work the next day, so they don't want to hang around waiting for latecomers.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2019 10:02

@Yabbers let's make a NO TOUCHING club!

beachysandy81 · 04/10/2019 10:06

I get what you mean. If I was at the big table I would at least of had a quick chat with those on the small table at the end, even if I hadn't managed to during the main meal and I definitely wouldn't leave without saying bye to everyone.

I think big group restaurant nights out are always a bit weird as you tend to get stuck with who you are sat with and it's hard to speak to others. I think it's better to meet for drinks before or after as well so everyone can talk to everyone. Also, in big groups there are always later comers due to childcare etc. so that is not that rude or unusual. I think leaving 3 on a table by themselves is a little rude too but it's like school, once everyone is sat they don't want to lose their place!!!

CocoCharlie83 · 04/10/2019 10:06

YABU you arrived late and made no effort yourself to go speak to them instead of the small number at your table getting up to go over you expected the large table to get up to come to you.

And you expect people who arrived on time have there snacks and drinks and are settled to get up to move table is BU. If you had of been on time then maybe they would have split more evenly.

Ijustwanttoretire · 04/10/2019 10:16

What we've done in situations like this is to move seats between courses. A bit of a faff but it means that you get to speak to different people instead of monopolising the ones you sit next to. Just a thought.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2019 10:19

being 20 minutes late is rude and you were expecting them to do what you didn't?

zingally · 04/10/2019 10:27

I don't think anyone was particularly out of order here, on either side of the argument.

I think the only lesson worth learning here is for you.

Don't rely on your friend to be on time, if she was the reason you were late, and you'd have been on time without her. Make your own way in future. If friend raises it in the future, say "I'm sorry X, but I'd prefer to make my own way this time. We were late last time, didn't get a good spot with the others, and I didn't really enjoy it because of that."

I find, it's always best to arrive early for things like that, then you can get a spot that suits you, wherever that might be. But then I'm one of those people who HATES lateness, and as a result, is always 15 minutes early for EVERYTHING. Honestly, I'd rather sit in the car for 10 minutes, than be a single minute late. And I find people who are late disrespectful. I know it's not really the case, but to me it reads like "Oh, you think your time is so much more important than mine?"

Original poster

Funkyslippers · 04/10/2019 10:34

Oh God, I do absolutely hate lateness too. If I'd have known just how late she'd be I definitely wouldn't have waited. If she'd arrived when she said she would we'd have been 5 mins early!

OP posts:

roisinagusniamh · 04/10/2019 10:38

Seriously, unless you are really desperate for a social life, stay avay from School Mums' groups!

Brefugee · 04/10/2019 10:38

I particularly think the lady that organised it could have made more of an effort.

well she seems to have made a lot of effort - you didn't show any appreciation. What you might have done, if you couldn't get there on time is apologise profusely on arrival, not make pa comments about them eating already, and get on with ordering and eating. Then as space became available on the bigger table, going over and speaking to as many people as possible.

You snooze, you loose. Don't be late again. It is incredibly disrespectful.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2019 10:38

If I'd have known just how late she'd be I definitely wouldn't have waited. If she'd arrived when she said she would we'd have been 5 mins early!

Well if you want to blame anyone then it should probably be her then, otherwise you would have probably been sat at the big table and had a better night

PrincessScarlett · 04/10/2019 10:50

I think you are the one being unreasonable/rude. If you had been on time it would have been easier to rejig the tables but it's unfair of you to demand everyone to move when you are late and have held up everyone ordering their food. If they had already been seated for half an hour they would have been settled and in the middle of conversations with those they were seated with, possibly in a group buying rounds or wine sharing.

Maybe they assumed you weren't coming or maybe they were pissed off that you were late. I also think it was rude of you to prod people on the shoulder to speak to them.

Make sure you are on time next time to avoid all this nonsense.

Original poster

Funkyslippers · 04/10/2019 12:36

I didn't prod anyone, I gently placed my hand on the shoulder of someone I know a bit and just asked them a question about the menu

OP posts:

Original poster

Funkyslippers · 04/10/2019 12:38

I am totally frustrated at being late; I absolutely hate it. I'm mad at my friend but also at myself for waiting! I'd never wait around like that again. I did say hello when we arrived but got very little back, I felt like we were pushed aside and pretty much ignored. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to rejig their seating but just a little bit of helping us to feel part of the group wouldn't have gone amiss.

OP posts:

caperplips · 04/10/2019 12:46

I think you'd have had a lot more 'help making you feel part of the group' if you'd been on time...

I would not be impressed with 20mins late - it's a message to the group whether intentional or not.

ShadowSardines · 04/10/2019 12:46

I think you're behaving as if this is a group of friends, or a gathering where someone is hosting, and hence has a duty to make sure everyone else is having a good time, OP. Whereas I think that this kind of meeting of people who presumably only know one another marginally via school pick-ups just doesn't operate by those rules -- more like a work conference dinner or something. Because you were late and the restaurant couldn't sit 15 people at the same table, you got the crap seats. I don't think that was anyone's fault. The seating clearly wasn't adjustable.

MintyMabel · 04/10/2019 13:03

I'm surprised at the suggestion people wait more than 20 minutes to order. My experience as a waitress years ago doesn't beat this out. They had snacks in front of them. Could that be because they were hungry? I'd have been annoyed at having to wait nearly half an hour to order. If you add on a 20 or 30 minute wait for food, that can be an hour from going in to having something to eat. I've had meals where we've been in, ordered, eaten and be leaving in an hour.

Original poster

Funkyslippers · 04/10/2019 14:50

Yes I realise that Minty, but the meeting time was early evening and they were only munching on poppadums which are generally brought out as a matter of course before ordering in an Indian restaurant. We arrived 20 mins late but because everyone had poppadums nobody seemed in any hurry to order and it was about 30 mins after we arrived that anyone ordered. Everyone seemed happy just to have a little snack while chatting and slowly perusing the menu. I do tend to find that when I go anywhere in a big group, people tend to be more relaxed about ordering. If I'm with close family I tend to want to order straight away

OP posts:

Frazzledbutcalm · 04/10/2019 15:42

Most agree you were the rude one OP .... get over it and plan better next time.

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