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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was this a bit rude?

76 replies

Funkyslippers · 04/10/2019 08:05

A few nights ago one of the mums from the school arranged a meal out in the evening. I was ready to arrive on time but the friend I was going with was really late so we go to the restaurant late, to find there was a table of 12 mums already seated, drinking, laughing, chatting etc. We said "hello" then the waiter directed us to a table of 6 at right angles and behind their table so half of the people had their backs to us. One other mum arrived and joined our table. Now I didn't mind sitting with my friend & other mum but not a single person from the big table came over to our table, even just to say hello, as I do know a couple of them a bit. Most of them completely ignored us! I felt like we'd been forgotten about and a bit excluded. We even thought a couple of them could have joined our table to even it up a bit. At the end of the night most of them just got their coats, said goodbye to those on their table and left. AIBU to think it's a bit rude or am I just over sensitive?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 04/10/2019 08:45

tbh, i would have arrived on time and left late mum to make her way there. Lateness is rude.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2019 08:45

a friendly comment that they were already munching some snacks and I said the service must be good!

Eek, this may have come across more passive aggressive than you meant. Hi can think of plenty of friends who would take offence at this.

Also I hate being tapped on the shoulder! I appreciate that's me being weird though.

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/10/2019 08:48

Yeah your friend was the rude one...
20mins delay at a meal is poor form the fact a lot of them had left so there was room at the “main table” indicates people had places to be

Also this is why I always get there early and am tactical about seating when in a large group
If you aren’t you get stuck in the “bad section” as per you and tardy friend

eddielizzard · 04/10/2019 08:49

Not particularly rude, thoughtless perhaps. It's not anyone's responsibility to include anyone or to make sure everyone's happy. You were late, you went on the late table. Not much more to it than that. You did the right thing by joining the main table when there was space.

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2019 08:51

" I said the service must be good!"

I'd take that as a criticism of them starting without you. There's no way of answering that without a comment back.

They probably got there early, so had been there about 30 minutes, at least.

Why did you say that? I'd say it set the tone.

But more of an effort should have been made by your table. It's awkward to leave one large table and join a smaller one, rather than the other way round.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 04/10/2019 08:57

I don't see really what else we could have done. Even if they saw my comment as rude (and I didn't say it loud, so not sure everyone would have heard anyway), they could have considered my friend and the other lady and come over, even just to say hello. I particularly think the lady that organised it could have made more of an effort. In her shoes, I know I would have done

OP posts:
AmIThough · 04/10/2019 09:01

You could have turned up on time.

Or apologised profusely for being late.

Actionhasmagic · 04/10/2019 09:02

Yeah it was a bit rude they didn’t come over and say hi. Maybe they got so engrossed in their chat they didn’t. I agree with other posters that the service comment maybe came across in a way you didn’t mean it too. I think little snacks before everyone arrives is fine.

Lowlandlucky · 04/10/2019 09:06

You were bloody rude to turn up late

womenspeakout · 04/10/2019 09:08

If you didn't go over either, it sounds as if you were all as rude as each other.

It's as easy for you two to go over to the big table as it was for one of them to leave the table.

MindyStClaire · 04/10/2019 09:10

... Did you apologise for being late when you came in and said hello? If I was the organiser that would annoy me.

HostessTrolley · 04/10/2019 09:11

Two tables for 8 would have been better planning than a 12 and a 3...

icelollycraving · 04/10/2019 09:17

Perhaps some of them didn’t realise you were with them, but just at the same place? Did you say sorry for being late to the table?
If you ordered at the same time, then it was clear you were one party. Two bills, two different groups.
I wouldn’t have moved from my table to join people that were late. Perhaps if you were on your own but not to join three others. It would also look a bit rude to the the ones at the first table. It would like their company wasn’t enough and you were a better option, now that would be rude!

icelollycraving · 04/10/2019 09:18

Also the person planning had done enough, they weren’t the host just the table booker.

Yabbers · 04/10/2019 09:21

Also I hate being tapped on the shoulder! I appreciate that's me being weird though.

I hate it too. Very rude. You don’t need to touch me to speak to me.

I don’t see what else I could have done

Turned up on time. Apologised for being late. Texted ahead to say sorry you’d be late. Very unreasonable to turn up late and expect them to come to you. If I didn’t know you, I wouldn’t have come over to you either.

Morrisaeiou · 04/10/2019 09:21

I particularly think the lady that organised it could have made more of an effort

You're joking, right? She had already made more effort than anyone else present. A fair few of them probably got there early for a drink beforehand, so likely been there 45 mins+ already. She must have been sat in the restaurant wondering at what point they just ordered without you. Not nice for her. I think any irritation over the evening should be directed at the friend who made you late.

It sounds like you're all only just getting to know each other. If I was one of the big group, I might be concerned that getting up and announcing that I was going to change tables after half an hour would look like a snub to the people I was already sitting with. The seating arrangement was never going to be ideal but the onus really was on you to go around the table and try to have a brief chat with everyone there individually.

Anyway. It was one evening. Next time, sack off the late friend and go and enjoy yourself.

Derbee · 04/10/2019 09:22

I think it’s rude to be 20 mins late. If I was on time, and settled in chatting, I wouldn’t get up and move to a new table just to make the late people feel included. YABU. Be on time next time

Frazzledbutcalm · 04/10/2019 09:23

you were rude op for turning up 20 mins late. Was it 20 mins though.? As in your opening post you said running really late ... I think you’re downplaying your part in this.

The latecomers were probably part of the table conversation before you arrived, they probably thought you weren’t coming. You were more unreasonable than anything else.

You should have also talked to them about the unusual table arrangements.

I’m not really sure you can comment on others being rude when you were rude also.

Reluctantbettlynch · 04/10/2019 09:23

Agree with @icelollycraving.
Organising is bad enough, without having to deal with more on the night. If you didn't advise them that you were running late, then for all they knew you could have not turned up at all.
V rude to be so late, especially without contact. Some venues only allow a limited amount of time for a table as it may have been re-booked for a later dining group.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 09:23

You already said hello and chatted, I don't see how it's rude for them not to say it again?

I think you just felt left out due to the shit seating arrangements and are looking to blame someone.

WispyTurnip · 04/10/2019 09:29

That's why these kinds of event are always a minefield in terms of where you sit, because of a large group trying to be seated in a smallish restaurant space generally meaning that, even if you're all sitting on a long table, no one really gets to talk to anyone other than their immediate neighbours and the people across from them. Especially in what sounds like a 'getting to know you' situation, people are terribly conscious of a pecking order -- and whether they're sitting where the fun is, close to whoever they consider are the alpha personalities of the group.

Sounds to me as if you felt you'd been placed at the 'non-fun/afterthought' low-status table, and you feel that some of the people on the 'better' table should have rectified that.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 04/10/2019 09:30

The only ones here that were rude were yourself one for being late two for the passive aggressive comment and three for expecting everyone to come fawning over to your table. It was up to you guys to go and make conversation.

anothernamejeeves · 04/10/2019 09:31

It's your own fault you got put on a stragglers table as you were late

nornironrock · 04/10/2019 09:33

You were rude.

A time was arranged. You were late. That is rude, and selfish.

I should clarify that lateness is the number 1 thing on the list of things that pisses me off.

Drum2018 · 04/10/2019 09:34

I agree, it was rude to be so late. You should have left on time and let your friend be late, got a taxi if necessary and not hung around for her. They were already settled at their table so unlikely to start moving seats. You'll know for again to make your own way and be on time.