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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want revenge on DP’s nasty ex

40 replies

CallieCat19 · 03/10/2019 22:14

Ok so me and my DP have been together just over 3 years, have a beautiful DD together and are generally very happy. However his ‘ex’ caused a lot of problems for us in the beginning of our relationship and was really nasty and I can’t seem to let it go.

So I knew of my DP before we started dating as he was dating a friend of a friend (we will call her A). Him and A were sleeping together for a while but never properly together. A and I had a mutual friend but A and I never got on, I made the effort to be friends but she wasn’t interested and ignored me. I drifted apart from mutual friend and gave it all no more thought. About a year later I was out with some other friends, ran into my now DP, got to chatting and found out him and A we’re no longer seeing each other but had remained friends. We started chatting and started up in a relationship, all good.

A took massive issue with us being together, she made up some really nasty lies about me - saying I slept around, I had tried to steal mutual friends boyfriend, I self harmed for attention and showed of scars (I was suffering with depression and did have some self harm scars but have never showed them of and would certainly never show / speak about it with her) this was all very hurtful, especially as A used social media to show of how mental health positive she was but yet was using this to drag me down.

DP told me all the things she said, we spoke about it, I explained it was all BS and he believed me. I really didn’t like A at that point but DP thought she was just looking out for him and she genuinely believed these things about me so she was being nice trying to warn him.

Anyway throughout the next 6 months of our relationship she was just a nightmare, sending him sexual messages, photos of her just in a towel, calling him drunk in the middle of the night etc. It got to the point I had to say it’s me or her. So he told her he couldn’t maintain the friendship and blocked her.

Then last year she tried getting in contact again. I was going through and ectopic pregnancy at this time which was really hard and this was just another thing on top that I really didn’t need. It has also been almost 2 years of no contact, why can’t she just let go?

Anyway, we haven’t had any contact since then but every now and then me or my partner will get a like from her on Instagram even though she doesn’t follow either of us so obviously snooping. It’s just so frustrating to me. She’s been an awful person and basically been allowed to get away with it, whilst painting me as the controlling gf who made DP stop talking to her. I know it’s been a long time but I just can’t let it go, I still think about it a lot and just have so much anger for this girl trying to ruin my relationship.

AIBU for holding onto this resentment? I know it’s petty but I really want to get back at her but idk how.

Sorry this was super long and rambley

OP posts:
Mollymoo01 · 03/10/2019 22:44

You say you can’t let it go, you do realise the only person this is hurting is yourself?

I honestly think therapy is the very best thing you could do.

The Ex sounds horrible but why are you giving her so much power over you and why are you allowing her to make you feel angry, resentful and upset?

Are you happy with your DP and DC? Surely that is the most important thing to focus on? Why does it matter she was a bitch and still occasionally social media stalks you?

I think you need to really find out if you feel like you are missing something in your life or do you feel jealous of the ex still? It’s an awful lot of anger you’re carrying around for another person.

Sotiredofthislife · 03/10/2019 22:54

You want to let it go but you’re behaving in exactly theme way?

If your social media is open, how is she snooping?

You seriously need to grow up and get on with your life.

ShirleyPhallus · 03/10/2019 23:01

She’s been an awful person and basically been allowed to get away with it

You and your partner have let her get away with it. I firmly believe that in these “loopy women” cases only about 1% of them are actually mental and most of the time they’re being led on in some way

So:

  1. Your partner needs to step up and block her on everything
  2. You need to lock down all social media etc and block her too

She shouldn’t cause you any problems if she can’t contaxt you. But if she still contacts your partner, well you have a massive problem there in that he is just loving the attention

Original poster
CallieCat19 · 03/10/2019 23:09

ShirleyPhallus

I do agree with you to an extent. I’ve spoken to DP about it and he said that although he didn’t respond to the sexual / inappropriate messages he didn’t shut it down because he liked the attention and at the time it was early in our relationship and was basically keeping her as a back up. Obviously I’m really not ok with that but we worked through it. What’s bothering me now though is that after we spoke he told her strait that what she was doing was inappropriate and to have no more contact and yet she still persisted.

I have locked down all my social media accounts now that so that she has no access however my DP needs to keep his public for business reasons which is annoying. I believe he had blocked her on Facebook but not Instagram for some reason.

OP posts:
jelly79 · 04/10/2019 07:23

You really need to let this go...she wasn't nice, plain awful and made you feel terrible. Tried to ruin your relationship but failed. You are still in your relationship. She has liked some pictures in the last year so not like she is causing too many issues but you are allowing that to get to you so much you have created this thread? See her as an inconvenience from the past. She is not in your present unless you allow her to be. Block her from everything too.

ShirleyPhallus · 04/10/2019 07:29

he didn’t respond to the sexual / inappropriate messages he didn’t shut it down because he liked the attention and at the time it was early in our relationship and was basically keeping her as a back up. Obviously I’m really not ok with that but we worked through it. What’s bothering me now though is that after we spoke he told her strait that what she was doing was inappropriate and to have no more contact and yet she still persisted.

Red flags all over the shop. I suspect your DP is telling you he’s been straight with her and really hasn’t to the degree he’s told you

IdiotInDisguise · 04/10/2019 07:34

I was with you until you wrote:
Anyway throughout the next 6 months of our relationship she was just a nightmare, sending him sexual messages, photos of her just in a towel, calling him drunk in the middle of the night etc. It got to the point I had to say it’s me or her. So he told her he couldn’t maintain the friendship and blocked her.

He has obviously kept the door ajar for her. He was happy to have her on hold while he was developing a relationship with you otherwise he would have stopped this nonsense and blocked her straight away. And he was telling you about what she was saying about you? Great strategy to keep you apart so you can not compare notes!

Anyhow, block her in Instagram and keep an eye on your husband.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 07:35

It's been three years now op. If you can't let it go and still hold anger and want to seek revenge then something is very amiss with you.

I'm also not sure what to suggest, but counselling may help. But at this stage and after this amount of time this is now about your mental health and not about her.

Loveislandaddict · 04/10/2019 07:38

I think you need to let it go. She’s not regularly contacting you now so has probably moved on.

Maybe on a drunken Friday night, or when bored at home, she will have a instragram session and look up old friends, hence the occasional ‘like’. She’s probably looking at lots of people’s posts, not just yours. It takes less than a second to ‘like’ something, so doesn’t mean anything in itself.

If she has done nothing recently, and your trust you dp, then you need to move on and consider her as the past.

DeborahAnnabelToo · 04/10/2019 07:41

Yep, agree with others, your DP has played a role in this which you are unwilling to acknowledge. Easier to blame it all on the "crazy" ex. Your anger is misplaced and I don't think you have "worked through" fully your DP's behaviour in the early days. Are you absolutely certain he has no contact with her or hasn't started it up again/responded to her recently?

Weezol · 04/10/2019 07:45

I'd love to hear her side of the story. It sounds to me like he's been nowhere near 'straight' with her.

That said, you either trust him or you don't. Which is it?

onanothertrain · 04/10/2019 07:55

Your DP is no way as innocent as you seem to think. Why was he telling you all about his psycho ex and what she was saying about you? PP who said there are red flags all over this is spot on.

picknmixer · 04/10/2019 07:59

Your partner has lead her on and messed with her head making her do the ‘pick me’ dance. He sounds awful. Why hasn’t he got a private Instagram account with her blocked? Why is he still playing with her emotions and winding you up. For attention? What a wanker.

Tippety · 04/10/2019 08:01

Just block her and move on

MulticolourMophead · 04/10/2019 08:07

I agree that the DP's role here is worrying. He's been leading her on.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 04/10/2019 08:07

Your DH has behaved very badly here hasn’t he? He could block her at any time and thus make sure not to unnecessarily upset you, his wife, at any point. He doesn’t. Wonder why?
This is someone who kept this woman on the back burner, throwing her scraps here and there, for six months, while the two of you were very much an item. He liked the attention then and he likes it now.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 04/10/2019 08:15

Sounds like your partner handled this very badly. He was stringing her along and also poking the fire by telling you the terrible things she was saying about you. He enjoyed having 2 women 'fighting' over him.

How did she know you had self-harm scars if you cover them up? Did he tell her?

Look, none of us are perfect. It seems your partner made a few mistakes in the early days of the friendship in a bid to keep his options open. You don't know what he was telling her about you. And he's unlikely tk admit it.

It doesn't make him a bad person, just a bit if an idiot in the early days!

If you and he are happy together now, then move on. No good can ever come from getting revenge. All it does is drag you down and make YOU look like the crazy one after all these years. By giving her any sort of reaction you are showing her that you still care about her. That she still has the power to affect you.

Move on. Block everything, every way. And maybe have a look at your partner and hope he has grown up a lot in the past 3 years.

RasberryR0ulade · 04/10/2019 08:19

I'm unsure why your dp would need his social media account to be public for business reasons? Surely like many other trillions of people who use social media for business, you have a private one for personal use?
He could personally block her on all of his accounts & still remain public, so why hasn't he done this?
So, What's the "some reason" he hasn't?

GingersAreLush · 04/10/2019 08:43

Your DP was massively leading this woman on until he decided you were a better bet than her. She’s behaved horribly but fgs he’s told you all this nasty stuff she’s said about you. That is very manipulative behaviour.

IdiotInDisguise · 04/10/2019 08:57

This reminds me of a friend who told me her sister’s fiance was being pursued by a crazy woman, who wouldn’t leave him alone and couldn’t respect the fact he was engaged.

Problem was, I knew the crazy woman... she had spent a weekend at my house and I can swear to you that he didn’t stop texting her all day, something like a text every 5 minutes? he used to have lunch on weekends with HER family and send flowers to her office and no, he didn’t ever told her he was engaged, he told her that his now wife was a crazy woman chasing him up.

Now that they are married my friend keeps complaining that her sister has bad luck with her friends as they all try sooner or later to steal her man... I still have not found the courage to tell her that her BIL is a blatant womaniser who uses the excuse the woman are chasing after him. I do think the constant “chasing” makes her sister think she is with a highly desirable man.

Ohyesiam · 04/10/2019 09:02

AIBU for holding onto this resentment?
Yes, because it’s making you unhappy. No right or wrong, but in the old but true Facebook cliche

“Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”

It’s your one life, decide how you want to spend it.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 04/10/2019 09:09

I agree with other posters - your DP, irrespective of whether your relationship was in the early stages, was stringing her along and she probably feels a bit fucked off with being mucked about. Sure, she should let it go now as time has passed, but perhaps there is more to her side than your boyfriend lets on? Maybe he was seeing her behind your back? That screams red flags over the shop, and I'd be inclined to know her side of the story too.

That said, her spinning lies about you is shit. How old are you all? Sounds very juvenile.

At the end of the day you've got a child with this man, if you're happy with him, you've just got to rise above it. Lock everything down social media wise, both of you. Block her on your phones. Eventually she'll cease. But I'd be looking very closely at your DP.

BlackNoir · 04/10/2019 09:13

OP, you don't have an ex problem, you have a DH problem. I think you know this and don't fully trust him and that is why you are letting it get to you.

thisnamechanger · 04/10/2019 09:19

DPs ex has a crack at getting him to leave me and go back to her every so often. Privately I find it incredibly annoying as she's been very emotionally blackmailing. However, I've forced myself to take the high road and I'm glad actually. He's with me and we're happy, so the longer she goes on the sadder she looks. If your DP isn't being inappropriate back then I'd just try and ignore it. However, it sounds like he might have been keeping his options open at least to start with!

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2019 09:25

Anyway throughout the next 6 months of our relationship she was just a nightmare, sending him sexual messages, photos of her just in a towel, calling him drunk in the middle of the night etc. It got to the point I had to say it’s me or her. So he told her he couldn’t maintain the friendship and blocked her.

Sorry, I couldn't get past that ^^

You had to actually tell this man you're in a relationship with, not to maintain the friendship and yet she is the nightmare?

Righto...

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