How can I make the evening less stressful?

[Merryoldgoat]

I have two DC, DS6 and DS18mo.

I work three days and DH works full time.

DH shares drop offs and we do the mornings together.

However by dint of location and me driving to work I do all pickups.

Tuesday and Thursday evenings are hell. I get back with them around 6.15 and then dinner, bathtime etc is just shit.

The toddler whines from THE SECOND I put him down, the 6yo is tired and hungry so we get full on grumps.

I just find myself hating being with them. I don’t get any downtime for hours and even then it’s all prep for the next day.

Work have asked me to up my hours and I just don’t know if I can bear to. I just never feel calm anymore - people always want something from me and I just want to curl up in a ball and scream.

Any suggestions as to how I can improve things?

@Merryoldgoat I'm in the same boat, work 3 days and don't get in with kids until 6.15, I'm a miserable, stressed cow on my work day evenings.

I tried the 8-4 shift and it's marginally better as have more of the evening to prep etc, on the other hand trying to get 2 small ones up and out the door for 7am is murder.

Mine are older 4 & 7 so in theory should be easier.

I don't bath them on work days, I give them toasted sandwiches / soup.

Thank you all for your replies.

I’ll try to answer your questions:

Toddler is with CM 3 days and she feeds him if she can but it doesn’t always work out depending on her schedule.

6yo is at after school club Tuesdays and goes with same CM on Thursdays.

She gives snacks to 6yo which he’ll sometimes deign to eat. There are also snacks at AFC but he doesn’t always like them.

DH physically can’t do any pickups - he’d have to start work in central London at 7.30 to get back in time so then I’d have to do all the morning crap alone. Even then he’d not have the car so a 20min wall to CM and then back wouldn’t help at all.

I’m going to start batch cooking on the weekend for sure - that will help.

Also they can skip the bath those nights too.

PIL collect them both on Wednesdays, bring them home and feed them and bathe the toddler which is a truly blessed day.

Where are you picking them up from? Where are you based?

London suburb.

Drive to work which is 5 miles and takes 30 - 45 mins thanks to traffic.

DH gets bus then tube to work in Central London.

Tues I pick up 6yo from after school club then toddler from childminder. Thursday I get them both from the same childminder.

Definitely cut out the baths, totally unnecessary every day.

How early would have to leave home to start work at 8?

Im surprised childminder isn't feeding toddler tea every day. Surely she's starving by the time you get tea!

Quick dinners are your friend. Sandwich, something on toast, slow cooker stuff. Followed by a yoghurt and then bed.

How long is your journey? Could kids eat in the car on the way home?

How early would have to leave home to start work at 8?

around 7.15 to get there reliably. It’s ridiculous how long the drive takes given it’s so near.

I think when she has lots of older kids it’s tricky to properly feed him.

I think the 8 am start is probably whet I have to do. Plus I’d get home quicker at 4.

I’ll talk to DH over the weekend.

Can you do parts of the commute by bike? Cycling 5 miles takes me 20 mins.

How far away is it? Is there a faster mode of transport (ie bike or part drive part walk?)

She could give him stuff to feed himself at that age. Especially sandwiches. Would at least mean you only have to top up with snacks/milk at home.

I swapped from 4 longer days to 5 shorter days and it really helped. The extra day off was great but the 4 longer days were just chaos. I feel part time now whereas i didnt before. I do 8-2 over 5 days with 45 min commute.

The tricky thing about shortening days is there are a variety of committees that I sit on that meet after 2 so I’d need to arrange ad-hoc cover which is it’s own stress.

I won’t lie - I COULD cycle but I won’t. I live up a hill and work is up another - utter hell for my fat and unfit arse.

Picnic teas, cold food is no less nutritious, fruit, veg, sandwiches, similar. Hell you could even make it fun and put a picnic blanket down. Or super easy cooked food, if it fits on a grill tray and cooks in no more than 15 mins, it's all good 👍 That's what I do when I've picked kids up from school and am due on a night shift.

Totally agree with slow cooker, they are fantastic. Do stew in it, pop in the slow cooker in the morning and leave cooking all day. Its ready as you walk in the door, but really your CM needs to be giving your kids a decent snack at 4pm, even if you send it to her in a bowl that she reheats in microwave, or a few sandwiches, just to keep them going. It will make all the difference to your sanity.

Take them out for something to eat then it's home and bed
At least then the time with them would be more enjoyable

Would you consider getting a different CM? Perhaps try and find someone who would be able to pick your eldest up from school and take him and your little home to your own house for dinner and an early bath? Then you could have some quality play/story time before bed and you and your husband could have dinner together after they're asleep? Are part time, non live in nannys a thing?

@Jesse70

They wouldn’t cope with being out that late - the older boy with ASD would be ok the verge of a meltdown and the toddler would just whine.

Or a nursery? My daughter's does a proper cooked lunch and then a sandwich tea at about 16.30. Then your toddler would have eaten at least (mine would be eating his own hands by 6.15). Depending of what kind of food your eldest likes/is prepared to eat, could that be prepped in the morning? Then he eats his dinner while you play with the little one, then pyjamas on and a little bit of down time before bed??

I don’t like nurseries as much as CM - she’s known them both for ages and ages very good with SEND - 18 month old is looking like he may have ASD too and the calm nature of her house really suits him.

To be fair she does often feed him - I’m just knackered after an especially difficult week and they were hideous when we got home.

I’d love a nanny but it’s just too expensive.

It would cost around £25k from net salary - it’s just too much for us to manage.

That makes sense OP, my daughter's nursery is brilliant, but I'm not sure it could be described as calm...

I was probably just talking out of my arse re having a nanny, it's certainly not something that would ever be financially feasible for us either. I just wondered as a friend of mine had someone (who she described as a nanny) who just used to do a few hours a week and also did batch cooking for her (it sounded amazing tbh).

Hi OP. I work 5 days a week 8 to 4 in central london and do all pick ups and evening routines with 1 year old DC. Partner gets home late.
I also do all drop offs in morning but my partner does it with me so not too bad.

Absolutely agree with all those who say lower your expectations- beans on toast, sandwich, eggs for tea sometimes just a bowl of cereal if I know DC has eaten a lot that day. Also a massive fan of frozen baked potatoes- they taste fine and take 4 minutes in the microwave. Have that with cheese or beans or tuna and you're done! Fruit/healthy snacks for way home helps too if you can.

And I really really recommend moving to 8 to 4 if you can. Yes mornings are hard but once you get the hang of it and if your dh helps you can absolutely be up and out by 7.15 each morning. Get as much as you can ready the night before. Set out DCs clothes for the week on a sunday (I make 7 complete outfits and roll them into a ball in the drawer. All I need to do is grab one and add socks shoes and coat)
Make sure you and your dh knows who needs to do what and when and its manageable.

Getting home by 5pm makes a massive difference i think - I do dinner and bath immediately so dc is often bathed and in pjs by 6. Then theres some breathing space before bed at 6.45, sometimes earlier if very tired.

Honestly the 8am start is the only way I'm managing this I think. I'm still frazzled but we both seem to cope better and have just enough energy to get us to bedtime without disaster!

Have they not had their 'tea' at nursery? Mine have hot meal at lunchtime then cold/snack meal at 4.30-5ish.
We get home and they watch 30 mins tv, then if they're shitty they have toast in the bath as 'supper' with maybe some fruit (or fruit toast - multitasking!!). The novelty shuts up the whingeing and moves us that he closer to bedtime!!

Op mine are 5 and 7 and every work day is like this. I get home 5 or 6 and it's an absolute battle to get them to bed by 8. The routine is TV, meal, drawing / homework then bed at 8. Sometimes bath. I have Fridays off but it's no better as dd1 has an activity. I try to do quick easy meals but dd1 has ASD always wants something hot. I always look forward to seeing my dc in the evening but it's usually quite stressful!

I'm in a London suburb with a 18m and 3yr old, and work 3 days a week. So lots of similarities to your situation.

I work 8-4:30. I cycle about 50mins to and from work. My husband works 9:30-6 with an hour commute on the train and walking. He does drop offs to the CM at 8, I do pickups at 5:30, home at 6ish. CM does all 3 meals.

It's tiring but livable. I have lovely relaxing mornings because I leave before the kids get up! In the evening I'm knackered (mostly from cycling up a hill with 2 DC in a trailer) but I shove 3yr old in front of the TV with free reign of the fruit bowl (he's a fruit fiend). Then I get bath ready with the 18m (often carrying). Bath, then bed. 3yr old drags out bedtime so usually done and dusted at 8. DH arrives back at 7:15 ish to help out. Then DH and I alternate getting a quick dinner together. Last night it was a trip to the chip shop!

If you switch hours could you:

1. Get your husband to reduce his so he can do the drop offs? Or maybe you could talk to the CM about starting earlier?

1. Work your way up to the CM doing all the meals. Talk to her about whether she can or whether you could send in food that your 6yr old will accept.

Is the cm not giving them dinner?

Tbh, your dh does quite a lot. It shouldn't be this hard. You sound exhausted. A break would probably be the best thing. Any chance of a complete break for a couple of days?

It sounds tough. I wouldn't switch to more days personally. I'd either mention to CM that they're having meltdowns after pickup so can you send in some sandwiches or something for the evening for them, or as PP said really strip back what you do on those evenings - shop-bought or pre-made soup, slow cooker stuff, a sandwich. Literally nothing that isn't ready or can't be done in the microwave in three minutes.