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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask work if I can go to DH's, grandmother's funeral?

48 replies

CrazylazyJane · 03/10/2019 18:20

Bit of background - primary school teacher, missed the first 3 weeks of the new school year due to being in hospital for sepsis. Inconvenient but obviously unavoidable. Work policy states that people will only be eligible for time off for funerals if they are for 'close kin'. In practice, it's not really enforced and is done on a person by person basis.

DH's grandmother passed away last week. I was hoping that her funeral would fall in 1/2 term but it has been arranged for the inset day before the 1/2 term break. The inset day is actually a 'team building day' at a national trust property and lunch afterwards.

I went to see my deputy head (person in charge of granting staff absence) to ask if, as it would not impact on the learning of the children, could I attend the funeral? Was told "MelbourneClown, I can not say yes to this given how much time you had off when you were unwell. I think if you hadn't taken time off already, then it may have been a yes but not now".

AIBU to think this is a pissy move? If it had been a normal school day, I wouldn't have asked, as I understand that it was a huge inconvenience for my team to cover my absence but I am being forced to walk round a flippin' National Trust property instead of supporting my DH and the rest of our family.

OP posts:

EleanorReally · 03/10/2019 18:23

yanbu,
i cant believe they would bring up your Sick leave
what did they expect you to do? come in unwell?

redcarbluecar · 03/10/2019 18:24

I think that’s pissy of them, yes, and the explanation would rile me as well.
I suppose they are within their rights though. Could you ask for the day or half a day unpaid? Not ideal I know.

MT2017 · 03/10/2019 18:25

YABU as most companies have this policy of only close relatives but unfortunate for you. The time off you have had is a factor - is that three weeks from the beginning of September?

Newmumma83 · 03/10/2019 18:25

Speak to hr ridiculous reasoning x

BritInUS1 · 03/10/2019 18:25

They shouldn't have bought up sickness, but many companies wouldn't allow time off for this.

Can you take it unpaid?

starfishmummy · 03/10/2019 18:27

YANBU. Your sick leave should should not have been mentioned. I'd be talking to my union rep!!

AnnaMariaDreams · 03/10/2019 18:27

Goodness, if they don’t let you have time off for this I would:
A. Have a sickness bug or 2- only lasting 2 days - this winter.
B. Look for another job.
How tight.

HeckyPeck · 03/10/2019 18:29

They are being shit. You wouldn’t be missing work.

If they’ve let other people off for grandparent-in-law’s funerals then they are being very unreasonable to treat you differently because you had sepsis.

Basketofkittens · 03/10/2019 18:31

How dare you have sepsis OP!

I’m sure if you had died your job would have been advertised the next day. We are all just numbers to employers. There is no empathy..

mamma2016 · 03/10/2019 18:34

I think this may be the reason your school needs a team building inset! Teams are built on compassion and understanding!

My school would say yes but it would be unpaid,

WhatTiggersDoBest · 03/10/2019 18:48

This is pretty typical for schools. Some even specify which relatives count as "close". Others won't let staff have time off for dental check-ups or doctor's appointments until a problem is an "emergency'.
Do what everyone else does: Just call in sick and go to the funeral anyway.

NearlyGranny · 03/10/2019 18:51

This is totally separate from your illness which should not be taken into account in the decision.

You might well expect a no anyway, as the relationship is only by marriage.

Original poster

CrazylazyJane · 03/10/2019 18:59

When DH's grandmother died, DP and I said that if the funeral was on a school day then I wouldn't ask for the time away from school.

However, to be clear, the school will not be unlocked on the inset day, so no one else is getting work done that day. It is not a normal working day. It is a staff jolly with wine.

I get it. I've had a lot of time off already but I'm at my unavoidable ill health being given as a reason for the "no" and that I will be spending the day shuffling round a stately home with work colleagues instead of with my in-laws.

I'm leaving at Easter. I was going to be considerate and give my notice in earlier than required so that they had a good amount of time to advertise for my replacement but they've just kissed that goodbye. I'll give the contractually required amount of notice now.

OP posts:

Doobigetta · 03/10/2019 19:01

If I told my in-laws I couldn’t get the time off work to attend my husband’s grandmother’s funeral, I suspect they wouldn’t believe me and it would take some time for the resulting ill-feeling to die down. So YANBU.

zenasfuck · 03/10/2019 19:05

Speak to your union. Its totally unacceptable to base this decision in your sickness absence. If you are leaving anyway and have a new Job lined up I'd just call in sick on the day. Unlikely the can sack you for it and you are leaving anyway

TimeforanotherChange · 03/10/2019 19:08

I've taught for 30 years and never had an Inset day that was wandering around a NT property.

Schools don't have HR to those suggesting it, and calling in sick when you're not (and SLT will know this) is pretty unprofessional.

OP you will need to give a term's notice anyway, so I don't imagine you'll be leaving them in the lurch. Sadly the people it will mostly impact on anyway will be your pupils, as you know.

Thenotes · 03/10/2019 19:09

I would have agreed it. It's not a fair comparison to say that most companies only allow immediate family funerals. In most companies you can book a day's leave.

From the employer's pov the important thing is to treat all requests equally and by telling you she would have agreed it if you hadn't been ill, she hasn't done that. Sickness absence is not relevant when considering leave of absence.

All funerals are agreed at my school although if it's local and a "play my respects" type funeral rather than someone close, we'll ask you just to take the time needed rather than the whole day.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 03/10/2019 19:16

YABU as most companies have this policy of only close relatives but unfortunate for you. The time off you have had is a factor - is that three weeks from the beginning of September?

What's happened to respect and decency? OP should be able to attend a family members funeral. Imagine if every company were that unreasonable funerals would have no mourners attending.

And sick leave has NOTHING to do with it.

I had my mother and a cousin pass away very close, I got a snarky comment about my cousin (2nd to pass away), and having more time off for a funeral. I was furious and told him how disrespectful and rude he was, I hardly planned it!

CrystalShark · 03/10/2019 19:22

I think YABU to expect time off for a grandparent in law’s funeral, that’s stretching it a bit when most workplaces only allow time off for close relatives. Otherwise everyone would be off a lot more for everyone in their own extended family, partner’s extended family etc. They have to draw the line somewhere.

But they were BU to bring up your sick leave as having anything to do with the decision, the two should be unconnected. By all means decline your request to attend the funeral but if it’d been your parent’s funeral you’d have been given it off whether or not you’d had a lot of sick leave prior. So sounds like the person who told you ‘no’ got that bit wrong.

I’d leave it though, I don’t know many workplaces where the policy would mean allowing time off for a partner’s grandparent’s funeral.

namina · 03/10/2019 19:22

Wow hopefully they don't get sepsis and find out how awful and actually seriously life threatening it is! Speak to HR that ridiculous

HeckyPeck · 03/10/2019 19:26

Agreed. I would go to the funeral. I’d email my boss saying that they said they would have agreed it had I not had a life threatening illness and resulting sick leave and that as that decision is wholly unfair I will be attending the funeral and will take it as unpaid leave if necessary.

Jamhandprints · 03/10/2019 19:29

Can you take the day as unpaid leave? If so, there's no problem. If not you need to speak to them again. Tell them you couldn't possibly have a day of fun when DH is at a family funeral. I'm sure they will let you if you insist.

Original poster

CrazylazyJane · 03/10/2019 19:33

I agree with @TimeforanotherChange It would now be unprofessional for me to call in sick on the day.

I will abide by my deputy head's decision but it absolutely boils my piss that I do normal teachers hours ie. all the bloody hours God sends, have been with the school for almost a decade and up until last year have had 1 day off sick. As someone pointed out, there's a reason we need an annual team building day out.

Thankfully my in-laws are lovely (as was DHs granny), so while my mother-in-law said it would be strange not have me there, she understood that I would be there if I could.

I'm glad most of you think IANBU. I walked out the deputy's office and just saw the red mist and couldn't decide if I was unreasonable to have asked.

OP posts:

KnifeAngel · 03/10/2019 19:36

It's for close family only. My DH's work only give time off for spouses, children and parents. His sister died last year and he had to take annual leave. I think YABU.

mathsquestions · 03/10/2019 19:38

Totally out of order.

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