To ask work if I can go to DH's, grandmother's funeral?

[CrazylazyJane]

Bit of background - primary school teacher, missed the first 3 weeks of the new school year due to being in hospital for sepsis. Inconvenient but obviously unavoidable. Work policy states that people will only be eligible for time off for funerals if they are for 'close kin'. In practice, it's not really enforced and is done on a person by person basis.

DH's grandmother passed away last week. I was hoping that her funeral would fall in 1/2 term but it has been arranged for the inset day before the 1/2 term break. The inset day is actually a 'team building day' at a national trust property and lunch afterwards.

I went to see my deputy head (person in charge of granting staff absence) to ask if, as it would not impact on the learning of the children, could I attend the funeral? Was told "MelbourneClown, I can not say yes to this given how much time you had off when you were unwell. I think if you hadn't taken time off already, then it may have been a yes but not now".

AIBU to think this is a pissy move? If it had been a normal school day, I wouldn't have asked, as I understand that it was a huge inconvenience for my team to cover my absence but I am being forced to walk round a flippin' National Trust property instead of supporting my DH and the rest of our family.

I'd be inclined to ask what the appeal process is and/or go over her head, especially as you're leaving anyway. The decision/policy hasn't been fairly applied

The school that is

Would it be terribly passive-aggressive to spend the night day looking sorrowful and whenever you get the opportunity to speak mention how sad you are about dear GMIL and missing her funeral?

Yanbu
This is family.are you completely recovered? Could you go with the angle the team building will be too much?

@knifeangel OP can't take annual leave, it's not a option.

Go to your head. Usually these things are at the heads discretion. You can choose to take the day unpaid too. As teachers do not have annual leave to take when they choose, unpaid leave is your only choice.

Teachers can't "choose" to take unpaid leave, it still has to be agreed.

@CrazylazyJane I think you may have outed another username in your OP - just letting you know incase you want to get MN to change it (and delete my reply!)

I think YABU to expect time off for a grandparent in law’s funeral, that’s stretching it a bit when most workplaces only allow time off for close relatives. Otherwise everyone would be off a lot more for everyone in their own extended family, partner’s extended family etc. They have to draw the line somewhere.

^This

Btw, im a teacher too and not only did my school authorise time off for dgmils funeral, they also allowed me to go and sit by her bedside with dh when we got the phonecall to say she'd been rushed to hospital and wouldn't recover. Poor mil was on holiday, so dh and I acted as proxy in her final hours. Not only did my school pay me, but there were lovely cards left on my desk.

Thenotes, you are correct - I meant op could speak to the head about unpaid leave. Of course it has to be agreed, but it is more likely to be agreed if unpaid.

I also work in a school and have had an unpaid day to go to my GMIL's funeral. You're part of the family and supporting your loved ones. I would see if you can take it as compassionate leave, as that should be in a separate category to sick leave?

That's really shit OP

Whilst I think its a bit callous to say no to GPIL funerals, if you are going to do it you've got to do it across the board. It's not okay to say they would have done it if you hadn't been ill.

My dad is a teacher and got time off for my mum's nan's funeral. Both me and DP got time off for each others grandparents funerals respectively. I don't think it's being cheeky at all to ask.

I'm a teacher also but I don't think it would be an issue in my school..double check your policy though as mine states paid day of four close relative eg my own grandparents but also days entitled to unpaid day leave for a funeral required as a "necessary social duty" for me grandmother in law would be exactly that!

I don’t work in a school so can’t say what the ‘done’ thing is regarding asking but I think they’re being arses.
A lot of work places don’t allow compassionate leave for anyone but immediate (blood relation) family, but I have always known people to get the time off whether it’s holiday or alternate. Unpaid leave would seem fair if it’s outside their compassionate leave policy - which should be consistently applied and your sick leave has nothing to do with it.

You should have just done the underhand thing and called in sick. Being honest gets you nowhere

I wouldn't be given a day off as it is not 'immediate family' unfortunately. I would ask for unpaid leave and if that was turned down, I would have to request annual leave. I hope you manage to get something sorted.

I was given 3 days off to go to my husbands (then boyfriend) grandfather's funeral as it was far away. I would have hated not to be there for him my school were understanding I am sorry yours are not being. I really think that in laws are family especially if children are involved.
My thoughts are with your family.

Thanks @AnchorDownDeepBreath Whoops! Never mind. I've not got much to hide.

It's the "It would have been a yes, had you not had so much time off", which gives me the rage. I was sick, like hospital admission for several weeks sick.

Plus a twatty man telling me that walking around with my colleagues for the day takes more precedence over supporting my family at a time of distress. The policy isn't applied to everyone. It's applied on a judgement from the deputy, whether he thinks you've had too much time off and if the reason for your absence is valid enough. In my case, nearly dying isn't god enough FYI, 2 years ago a colleague missed the annual staff day out so that she could catch a flight. She had been 'good' and hadn't dared to be sick.

Independent school, so unions 'aren't recognised', though I am part of one. I need a reference from this school as well, so can't naff them off.

That final comment ‘independent school’ explains it! There is no way that my school would spend a training day walking around a NT property and suggest someone prioritise that over being present at a family funeral. I can’t stand the idea that a grandparent, albeit in law, is not sufficiently close family.
I would complain to the trustees/owners/board running the school stating that you have been denied leave because you had already had ‘too much time off’ and expressing your disappointment that a senior leader in the school seems to consider sepsis a choice. I would also be tempted to ask what value they feel is gained from the inset day and what is the purpose because, if it is staff wellbeing, yours would be better served by supporting those you love at the funeral of their matriarch.

I think the policy of 'close kin' only in any job is disgustingly insensitive. Of course you want to be there to support your DH. And you don't have to be immediate blood relatives to be close to someone, what about best friends, boyfriends, in laws?! This subject always riles me up.

it's disgraceful the attitude of some companies/people to losing a loved one. Some things are more important that work.

I digress. No, YANBU. (How dare you suffer from sepsis AND a dying relative in one term, ffs...)

What time is the funeral? Could you ask for a compromise, leave early or late?

If you're leaving anyway, I'd spend the day dressed in black making big heaving sobs and sniffs throughout the whole thing while lamenting how 'granny' would've loved that tree, wine, blouse, etc etc.

Preferably with a big black hat and veil!

Totally agree with the pp. I would spend the day wailing.

What a shitty thing to do . Why would they get to decide who you are close to in your family?