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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband making me feel worthless and constantly criticizing me

39 replies

Momof4cute · 03/10/2019 17:32

Hey guys, please excuse my grammar English is not my first language ;)

Okay so I'll try to keep this short
Im a stay at home mom ( for the past 3 years) , i have 4 amazing kids and we have been married 11 years ( together for 15years)

My husband works away and we get to see him once a month. Although coping with 4 kids ( my 7yo has autism and is being homeschooled) alone is a challenge i wouldn't have it any other way.

Okay so the problem is i am very unhappy in my marriage. I feel worthless and my husband is constantly putting me down, doesn't appreciate anything i do, doesnt treat me with respect and when i try to talk to him about how i feel he will just get up and leave the room mid sentence...act like i wasnt even talking and go about doing whatever he feels like. This makes me feel so insignificant.....on the rare occasion when he actually responds to me ..he will just say :" urgh the same thing over and over again" " Not this again etc"
I just feel like he doesn't love me at all.. i found out i had cancer a few months ago and when i told him he replied with " now i have to pay for the scans" - thats it....not even a bit of empathy ( where as my best friend got in her car and drove 1500km to be with me and go to hosp with me, help with the kids etc.)

On father's day i will gather the kids and we will make him a nice breakfast , make cards etc to make him feel appreciated

Mothersday he won't even acknowledge, dont get me wrong i dont want flashy gifts, would love for him just to show some form of appreciation for what i do for the kids and get them to make me a card or whatever, he will go out of his way to make sure i know im not appreciated, every other special occasion its the same thing. For christmas we had a party at his mothers house, he bought gifts for his mother, his 2 sisters, even got a gift for his friends wife.... but like every other year nothing for me. Its really not about the gift, as mich as it is he actually took time and thought of others, but im not worth the effort.

I expected something was wrong with my son when he was little, i voiced my concerns to him and he said :" You just want something to be wrong with him"

It took pediatricians, neurologists, school teachers and psychiatrist for him to realise ( not accept) our son actually has autism

He never apologises when he is wrong, even when presented with facts. He comes home once a month for 3 days, sometimes when he gets home i will be at the gate to meet him. He wil walk right past me without saying a word and go inside to greet the kids. I was always such a happy woman, lots of friends and very outgoing. For the past 5 years i have no friends as its always a fight when we have someone over( He will fight with me saying how my friends husbands wants me , he can see how they are drooling over me...even when i would not talk a word with them or even look they way. Im usually watching the kids and our woman friend hangs wherever i am, and the men sit outside)

When we go out to function or wedding and i dress up, he wil normally scan me from top to bottom, look for any imperfections and call me out on that - " Did you see you have a pimple on your chin?" " your makeup is too dark/too light" That color doesn't suit you etc.

He never compliments me

I feel like i have to run away from this marriage, but how can i possibly do that without hurting my kids (2,7,9 and 11)

We have been to marriage counseling ( after 3 weeks he said its a bunch of BS)

I really dont know what to do!! Ive always been a strong, confident, happy woman, but i have become so miserable and weak i dont know if i will be able to make it through this.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 03/10/2019 17:38

Why are you still married? Divorce him

thepeopleversuswork · 03/10/2019 17:42

He's a selfish, abusive prick who doesn't deserve you.

You owe it to your children to get them away from him: he's a bad father and an extremely poor role model.

It won't be easy, but you need to divorce him. As a first step, gather up as much financial information as you can and go to see a lawyer.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 03/10/2019 17:43

For the sake of your kids and your own mental health please find the courage to leave him, he sounds like a complete pig who enjoys putting you down, start making plans to leave. You are a strong woman you can do it, best of luck

Vulpine · 03/10/2019 17:48

Im sorry that's not really a marriage

Darls3000 · 03/10/2019 17:49

Not wanting to sound dramatic but you don't give a single reason why you should stay with him. Perhaps start thinking of reasons to stay and that may help you realise you've married a man with major issues and not worthy of your time.

Not going to be easy but but wouldn't you rather rid yourself of the bullying at home?

Thurmanmurman · 03/10/2019 17:49

OP you sound like a lovely person and a fantastic mum. Please get out of this marriage before he grinds you down any more. You’re kids will be fine, they hardly see him anyway by the sounds of it. You get one life and this is no way to live it. 💐

CSIblonde · 03/10/2019 17:55

It's more emotionally damaging for your children to be around an abusive unhappy relationship . They'll also model their future relationships on what was 'normal' life for them growing up. Have you family who'd help? Failing that, Women's Aid would be a start. You've tried counselling etc, you need to leave both for your own sanity & your children. Your confidence will come back. One positive is he's home so little you have lots of time to plan & work out your new life. Is the house in joint name? I'd see a divorce solicitor & take any payslips & bank statements you can find before he twigs & starts hiding any financial docs. (I was a legal secretary, you need to do that as hiding money & assets is very normal tactics).

ShadowOnTheSun · 03/10/2019 18:00

'i found out i had cancer a few months ago and when i told him he replied with " now i have to pay for the scans" - thats it....not even a bit of empathy'

This is so fucked up, OP. I wouldn't even say/act this way with people who I genuinely despise. And you're the person he's supposed to love. Or respect, at least.

He's a dick of the highest order. Leave him now, don't waste your life with a man like that.

Best of luck, OP!

marvellousnightforamooncup · 03/10/2019 18:04

You will feel so much better when those three or four days a month are zero days a month. You don't have a marriage, get planning and end it. What a vile man.

Original poster

Momof4cute · 03/10/2019 18:04

I think the thing for me is/was that i made a promise for this to be forever, no one gets married with the thought of divorce in mind...so i keep on hoping...maybe he will treat me better, maybe .... but lately im finding thats the only reason i give myself to stay... so its become a matter of tolerating him for the sake of not breaking a promise ( Gosh just typing that i feel so pathetic that im actually allowing this)

OP posts:

BobbaMom · 03/10/2019 18:06

You deserve so much better, you sound like a wonderful mum. Could you ask him to leave? Realistically the amount of time he spends with the children wouldn't really change would it? The biggest upheaval would be if he played up and wouldn't let you stay in the family home although as main carer surely you would have a right to stay? Please put yourself 1st for once, Good luck!

BarbariansMum · 03/10/2019 18:12

So this promise you made - did he make a promise also? Did he promise anything about loving and honouring you? Something about "in sickness and in health" ? Do you think he's kept these promises?

Breaking a promise is not nearly so bad as letting a promise break you.

TriciaH87 · 03/10/2019 18:12

Time for a divorce. Are you sure he doesn't have a whole other family out there. Or at least a partner because he clearly does not view you as a wife. I would say by this his only not asking for a divorce because he knows it will cost him. Clearly money is his priority. I had a cervical cancer scare last year and had do acted like that cancer or no cancer he would have been out on his arse.

Lexplorer · 03/10/2019 18:15

First thought - do not even CONSIDER making a fuss over him on Father's Day, he doesn't deserve it. Can you leave, or do you not have access to money, passports etc? I wouldn't give him a second thought just plan your exit. You only get one life, don't spend it with a shit

Songsofexperience · 03/10/2019 18:15

I found out i had cancer a few months ago and when i told him he replied with " now i have to pay for the scans" - thats it....

This brought tears to my eyes.
OP, you need to leave him to preserve yourself and your health for the sake of those children you love so much.
Would you want them to be alone with this selfish idiot if the worst happened to you?
Fight, leave and survive! For them!

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 03/10/2019 18:15

Your kids see him 3 days a month, will they really notice much difference if you left him, except that maybe their mum is a bit happier not treading on eggshells anymore?

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/10/2019 18:15

Oh op you sound sp patient and thoughtful he on the other hand sounds about as pleasurable as a bag of festering garbage.

You dont owe him anything, he lost his right to tjay the day he started treating you like shit.

I had similar problems with my ex regarding the stonewalling and refusal to accept the autism diagnosis.

Do you think tou could cope alone financially and do you have any suppprt?

💐 X

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/10/2019 18:17

Excuse the spelling, bloody phone!

BarbariansMum · 03/10/2019 18:17

One question though - if you only see him 3 days a month why cant you have any friends?

museumum · 03/10/2019 18:22

I don’t see how it will hurt the kids at all. He can still see them three days a month. The rest of the time they can have a mother who has rediscovered her self respect after he tried to destroy it

zafferana · 03/10/2019 18:26

OP get legal advice about separating. I know you made a promise and you don't want your marriage to fail, no one does, but it takes two to make a marriage work and your 'D'H doesn't sound like he cares any more. So your first priority needs to be to protect yourself and your DC and find out how you can make things work without him.

If he's only home for three days a month I would suspect that he's got another woman wherever it is he lives the rest of the time, probably younger than him and with no kids. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but the fact that he spends so little time with you and is so unpleasant and dismissive really suggests that.

Go and see a solicitor ASAP.

happytoday73 · 03/10/2019 18:26

He really isn't there enough for your children to notice a change. In fact why not have as part of divorce that he could take them 3 days a month and you could have those free days? You get to live again and kids don't 'miss out'.
He doesn't treat you as family... If he did he would buy you gifts like does for others... Treats you more as a housekeeper or cleaner...

He doesn't love you.
His reaction to your cancer is truly horrible and made me tearfull.
You deserve so MUCH better

On a side note... Why is he only home 3 days a month... That's very strange even for working away... Are you sure there isn't soneone else (sorry)

HazelBite · 03/10/2019 18:31

I can appreciate what you said about a "promise" with regards to your marriage.
I was very torn about saying a "promise in church" with regards to my first marriage, I kept going over the vows again and again in my head (for better or worse) but a very good friend who was deeply religous explained to me that he had broken his vows I hadn't I was just leaving an intolerable situation, If he had kept to his vows the relationship wouldn't be breaking down, he was responsible for the breakdown not me!
I went on to have a very happy life and a loving and happy second marriage.
Sending you love and strength

Aria2015 · 03/10/2019 18:32

He sounds awful. You made a commitment on your wedding day but I bet you'd never have done it if you knew this would be your future. You deserve better than this. It's not a marriage. Leave him, your day-to-day life will essentially stay the same if he's away so much but at least you can be happy with your children and not have to put up with him treating you like crap.

Original poster

Momof4cute · 03/10/2019 18:35

To be honest i have no idea regarding the legal aspects of who gets to stay where, but that will definitely be the first step to find out what will happen and if we will get to stay in our house, i dont want to put the kids in a situation where there is too much change, especially not my autistic boy as he does not adapt well to sudden change ( if any) it would be ideal if we could keep most of the routine as it is as stay where we are. He surely won't fight for custody of the kids and it comforts me to know that they will be in my care. He will still see them when he is off for the 3 days so now that you mention it ,it would still be pretty the same for the kids. You are right it does help that he is away most of the time. Will definitely make planning easier. I just have to make the decision and start planning

OP posts:

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