My husband making me feel worthless and constantly criticizing me

[Momof4cute]

Hey guys, please excuse my grammar English is not my first language ;)

Okay so I'll try to keep this short
Im a stay at home mom ( for the past 3 years) , i have 4 amazing kids and we have been married 11 years ( together for 15years)

My husband works away and we get to see him once a month. Although coping with 4 kids ( my 7yo has autism and is being homeschooled) alone is a challenge i wouldn't have it any other way.

Okay so the problem is i am very unhappy in my marriage. I feel worthless and my husband is constantly putting me down, doesn't appreciate anything i do, doesnt treat me with respect and when i try to talk to him about how i feel he will just get up and leave the room mid sentence...act like i wasnt even talking and go about doing whatever he feels like. This makes me feel so insignificant.....on the rare occasion when he actually responds to me ..he will just say :" urgh the same thing over and over again" " Not this again etc"
I just feel like he doesn't love me at all.. i found out i had cancer a few months ago and when i told him he replied with " now i have to pay for the scans" - thats it....not even a bit of empathy ( where as my best friend got in her car and drove 1500km to be with me and go to hosp with me, help with the kids etc.)

On father's day i will gather the kids and we will make him a nice breakfast , make cards etc to make him feel appreciated

Mothersday he won't even acknowledge, dont get me wrong i dont want flashy gifts, would love for him just to show some form of appreciation for what i do for the kids and get them to make me a card or whatever, he will go out of his way to make sure i know im not appreciated, every other special occasion its the same thing. For christmas we had a party at his mothers house, he bought gifts for his mother, his 2 sisters, even got a gift for his friends wife.... but like every other year nothing for me. Its really not about the gift, as mich as it is he actually took time and thought of others, but im not worth the effort.

I expected something was wrong with my son when he was little, i voiced my concerns to him and he said :" You just want something to be wrong with him"

It took pediatricians, neurologists, school teachers and psychiatrist for him to realise ( not accept) our son actually has autism

He never apologises when he is wrong, even when presented with facts. He comes home once a month for 3 days, sometimes when he gets home i will be at the gate to meet him. He wil walk right past me without saying a word and go inside to greet the kids. I was always such a happy woman, lots of friends and very outgoing. For the past 5 years i have no friends as its always a fight when we have someone over( He will fight with me saying how my friends husbands wants me , he can see how they are drooling over me...even when i would not talk a word with them or even look they way. Im usually watching the kids and our woman friend hangs wherever i am, and the men sit outside)

When we go out to function or wedding and i dress up, he wil normally scan me from top to bottom, look for any imperfections and call me out on that - " Did you see you have a pimple on your chin?" " your makeup is too dark/too light" That color doesn't suit you etc.

He never compliments me

I feel like i have to run away from this marriage, but how can i possibly do that without hurting my kids (2,7,9 and 11)

We have been to marriage counseling ( after 3 weeks he said its a bunch of BS)

I really dont know what to do!! Ive always been a strong, confident, happy woman, but i have become so miserable and weak i dont know if i will be able to make it through this.

You are miserable and worn down because you are married to a psychopath. Had your husband not slowly chipped away at your self-worth, you probably would have chucked out him out over his disgusting comments about your illness. That's how much he has succeeded in his mission to break you down. I really hope you find you get well soon and find the courage to leave him asap.

He only started working away in Jan this year, and ive lost all my friend over the past few years while he was still home every day, im sure its partly my fault as i just stopped replying to them, i just wasnt up to the fighting anymore and was to ashamed to tell them that i don't want them over because of what my husband says...

Im sorry to hear about that, i admire how strong you are and reading all of these comments i wish was able to stand up for myself sooner, i don't even recognize the pathetic and weak woman ive become. The woman i was before our marriage would never have allowed anyone to treat her like this. I wish i knew where she was, but im sure i will find her again !

Reach out to your friends... Invite them round... One a week? For catch up and a glass of wine/cup of tea/cake... Whatever...

Many friends will be just happy & glad to have you back in their lives... Honestly... I have friends I lost touch with that I would love to reappear without their horrible other half's!

He doesn't treat you with respect and doesn't love you. You need to divorce him and move on with your life.

Another woman is a possibility, its just not something i want to believe so i chose to ignore the signs as its easier than actually facing them at the moment. But i defs wont rule that out. Reading the comments here made me a cry baby, im overwhelmed by the support ,care and insights from everyone and thank you for taking time to reply. My mother will be able to help me for a month or two just until im on my feet, i will start job hunting asap and look into an alternative for my boy who i now homeschool, maybe find a tutor to assist. I had a good job and am qualified in engineering. The biggest challenge is standing up for myself, and believing that ill be okay and that i can do this. I admire all you strong woman!!

I can't give advice or an objective appraisal of your situation that hasn't already been said by others, OP. I would only urge you to listen to them and believe in yourself so you can pursue a happy life for you and your kids, away from this awful, abusive man. X

"'i found out i had cancer a few months ago and when i told him he replied with " now i have to pay for the scans" - thats it....not even a bit of empathy'"

Utter bastard

It's good you have your mum to help and once you LTB you'll have friends again too
Excellent plan to find out your legal position wrt house and to restart your engineering career

You sound like the strong capable woman that has been beaten down is re-emerging
You'll all be so much happier without that abusive bastard

Good luck with your new life 💐

There's no right answer here. Either option has unpleasant consequences for you and the kids. You need to choose the least worst.

Good luck

You are worth a million times more than this piece of shit. We can all hear that you are. Think, plan and act. We are with you.

Op you will get there. Start planning and find ways to get back to you. Look at women's aid and the freedom programme. Lundy Bancrofts book, why does he do that?

It takes a while but one day you will be through the worst and you will see how much better your life is without him

Koko... Keep on keeping on

This kept me going as I understand exactly what you say about a promise. This kept me married more than anything. I still could not sort the last bit of the divorce and had him apply for decree absolute and by then he was wanting to move onto ow. So wanted well rid of me. But someone up thread said how he has already broken that promise to you. He has already broken the vows to love, cherish and respect.

I wish someone had put it terms like that when I kept myself trapped, thinking that by leaving I would be breaking the vows.

He broke them first with his treatment of you. He is showing you every time what he thinks of you. I did not want to believe it and I hoped there was something better but no, just more abuse towards me and more times and opportunities to make me feel like shit.

But op you know you are worth more than him. He's the one who is a piece of crap and he knows it, so he is trying to extinguish all the light from you. That strength you spoke about, he wants it for himself. The light inside you, the friendships you had, he wants to destroy it all as he is not capable of it.

He is sucking the life out of you for his own pleasure.

So op I think you know what you most do and I wish you all the luck on the world. He has shown you who is is and he is showing you what you mean to him. Believe him.

Op I am with you. I have left a similar man and no it wasn't easy and no it isn't easy. But I found the woman that I lost and I am so pleased to have her back. Me and the kids are getting through. Take all the advice you can from on here about how to deal with him - I found the courts helpful in establishing boundaries and a low contact rule with no sharing of personal information very helpful. I follow the JADE approach - never justify, argue, defend or explain. Offer facts in a civil way over text. You will get through it and you will get away from him

He broke his vows long ago, and continues to break them every day.

You should not consider yourself to be honour-bound to someone who has repeatedly dishonoured the vows you made to each other.

He is absolute scum.

Please start lining up your ducks to get out.
Therapy if you can afford it.

You deserve so much better.

You are not doing your impressionable children any favours by staying 'to keep the family together for their benefit', and you shouldn't fool yourself that you are.

Your children are growing up with your relationship as their model.

If you have daughters, do you want them to choose selfish, contemptuous men like him? Who disrespect and abuse them the way he does you?

If you have sons, do you want them to grow up to be like him? Horrible men who grind their girlfriends/wives down with abuse, contempt and utter disregard until they become timid, wilting shells of their former selves?

You are strong.

You say you were before him, and you must still be to parent four children, one with SN, essentially alone.

He wants you not to feel strong, so that he can continue to keep you under his boot where he wants you.

Don't let this awful man's disgusting treatment of you define how you see yourself.

He does not get to tell you who you are, what you're worth.

If your children only see him 3 days a month then your separation will be easier for them. I couldn't stay with a man like that.