I need help. I'm just turning 40 and it's the first birthday where I've really looked at my life and realized there's things I'm painfully tired of, not wanting another decade to pass with the same hardships of the last 1/2 decades. There's lots of things I hope go better this decade (finances, one of my children's health) but the thing that grates me is my relationship with my Mum.
My Mum has never been easy, the things she said to me as a child I've come to see as an adult were terribly abusive. I was always in trouble for the smallest thing like a book out of place would result in her throwing out all my books or burning them. She would routinely tell me I ruined her life and it would have been better had I died at birth like her brother's baby, then say it's too bad we didn't swap. A small infraction like forgetting to double lock the back gate would result in hours of screaming, name calling etc. she would do this in front of anyone, neighbours, friends and family never seeing they thought she was unreasonable, not me.
What was most confusing as a child was there would be days/weeks like this, followed by good days. You'd just long for the good days and in some ways not hold her responsible for the bad days, knowing there was definitely something wrong. I knew this at a young age. Obviously as a child you can't really hold a parent responsible. But it was confusing. She could be loving and warm, offering good advice and being supportive, followed rapidly by wickedly cruel. Shame was her favourite tactic she would tell people I burned all my books and maybe there was something wrong with me. I didn't. I cried for weeks over those books.
As an adult much of this has continued but in some ways as she's getting older the bad days are more common. On the bad days she criticizes my parenting, throws out things that are important to me, shouts, name calls, says awful things about my DC typically phoning me to tell me just what she thinks of them. A recent example of this was her anger I didn't clean my freezer in the last month, followed soon after by anger my DC's forgot to wipe down the sink after using the loo at her place. No water is allowed to be used without wiping the sink/faucet after. It spiralled from there to telling me I always need rescuing, I'm weak and useless, no reasonable man would stay married to me, my children are filthy animals who are uncouth - this was said on the phone to me, she phoned 5x this evening saying the same kind of thing in different ways. This will likely go on for a few days, then she will be nice and maybe if I mention it as not okay, she will say something like if only I would learn how to be a civilized person she wouldn't constantly need to teach me right from wrong. I am turning 40 as mentioned, I have a profession, degree, two jobs, support my DC fully, my DC do well in school are busy and active with interests and sport, are good kids who their teachers and coaches speak very highly of. Yet all we get is criticism. Thankfully as of yet most of it is on the phone to me, but it's spilling over as my Mum ages and that also makes me need to make changes for my kids if not for me.
I think my biggest issue is I know why my Mum is like this, I understand she had a terrible childhood and I suspect strongly there's mental health factors at play. I do see that I trigger her issues but the smallest thing can do that, I'm always walking on egg shells and something as simple as my having coffee with a cousin can lead to her meltdowns, or leaving one thing out of place in my own home causes her such distress that she turns on me. She is relentless. She wants to hear me say I'm wrong and she's right and I will change.
I am a good daughter, she's now widowed after the death of my lovely Dad (who had a very hard time with her as well), and I pop in at least weekly, I pick up her tablets at the chemist, I take her out for coffee, often bring round meals. I will also do things like repair broken things, mend thing she can't etc. A counsellor once told me when I was seeing her to cope with one of my DC's serious illness that my Mum wants power, control and attention. Those make her feel safe and my attention diverted or my not doing what she wants like not cleaning the freezer out weekly, makes her lose her control and cause these behaviours. She obviously explained how unreasonable it is of her, that she needs other supports and possibly medications, but my Mum won't see anyone, nor speak to her GP, apparently had she had any other child in the world she'd be happy, but for some reason she was punished with me. That's the type of thing she says.
There are days she's loving and supportive, she can be lovely tbh but if I put a foot wrong or anyone in my family needs attention, she goes between being shouty and cruel or disappears. When my DC was diagnosed with a serious illness that will impact life expectancy, my Mum disappeared for weeks. Same when I had major surgery even though I'm a single parent. Not one offer of help, no meals, no asking how we were coping, nothing. Then tells me for months after she's so sick of my needing her to rescue me. I don't. And if I ever bring up how it would have been nice to have her visit, she says I make everything about me and she was very ill at the time and almost died. This is her standard line whenever anyone in our family has been ill or we've dealt with something serious. Apart from one fall she's as fit as a fiddle, always has been, is never ill and certainly doesn't almost die anytime we need support.
I'm exhausted by it all. I'm so exhausted by it. The never doing anything right, the walking on egg shells, the put downs, the name calling. The lies. I understand there are huge factors as to why. Many issues there. But I'm so tired of it all. The highs and lows, the phone calls with her screaming at the end of the line. I feel now my Dad has died she will need extra supports and caregiving and I don't know how to balance that with desperately needing less time with her. When I think about boundaries I want to stop staying at her home overnight (we usually do that 1x a month, something she requested to save us driving 30 minutes home. She suggests we all watch a film but honestly she always makes an excuse and goes to bed then phones me to complain when we leave telling me all the things my DC do wrong). I want to stop visiting at least once a week (I never know what mood she will be in or what I will do wrong, there's always something), stop having her visit my home as the DC find it very stressful and she finds things to pick on (she usually visits 1-2x a month for a day), stop answering the phone to her when she's having one of her episodes. Every Easter we visit extended family and my Mum pays for 4 nights in a cottage. It's always disastrous maybe 2 good days and 2 bad days, so I want to stand my ground and not do it anymore. The 2 bad days this Easter were awful, we were away from home and she's reliant on me for a lift, we were with her family (we rent a cottage near them) and she refused to talk to us for one day because I spent an evening with my cousin and her family instead of my Mum and the other two days did things like stick her tongue out, yell, get angry if I let the DC stay up since it was holiday time, shout at me in a restaurant that she wished she visited 'on my bloody own since this family is shite' . I could go on and on example after example. I have mostly been able to hide this from my DC but as they get older they witness more and their opinion of my Mum is that she's very difficult, unkind, embarrassing and mean, they don't usually want to invite her to anything. There is only so much one can hide.
Boundaries are so hard because I feel bad for her and because she can be lovely, as long as there's nothing triggering her and I don't 'need' attention. As long as the DC are perfect. They miss their grandad and I wish she could be a good grandparent, but she can't. She doesn't know how to connect all she does is quiz them on what they've eaten that day and what marks they have. Then she will yell at me later on the phone for 'messing up parenting, which it was obvious you'd be bad at'. She said that tonight because my child got 19/20 on a test and because they only had stew for dinner. Lovely hearty slow cooker stew I should add with all the food groups (beef, potatoes) and many veg (courgettes, carrots, peas, parsnip, tomatoes) as well as a teacake! They also had biscuits and satsumas at youth group. She shouted and shouted about the stew and how ridiculous I was as a parent and how it's not a proper meal?!
I need to change things. I know I need to see her monthly not weekly, in a neutral place, not invite her to things where she could have a meltdown. We need to have our own holidays (tough due to money, hence trying so hard to make the 4 days at Easter work, if we had money we'd rent out own cottage), I need to think about special days like Christmas from what we do and don't want to deal with, not just that she should be included at all costs, and mostly I need to not feel guilty. She's only a 30 minute drive so it's not too hard to pop in weekly, easy to help her with things like doing her washing which she finds challenging after her fall and take her to see the Consultant. But I'm no longer convinced this does anything but harm my mental health while appeasing my guilt. Just when I decided I can't continue in this way with our relationship she will be nice and I let my guard down and then a few days later the cycle continues.
How do you stick to boundaries even when someone can sometimes be nice? How do you stick to boundaries when you know the issue is their mental health and thus it isn't their fault? How do you do it for you and your DC without feeling like you are failing your parent/loved one? How do you put your own family first? I so want to be able to say my own family comes first, but right now I think I give my Mum too much space in our lives. I see now my Mum will never replace my Dad as a loving grandparent.
Posting late at night as my Mum was horrid on a phone call this evening and I haven't been able to sleep at all. Ridiculous I know. I just want to ring in this Birthday knowing this is the gift I'm giving to myself and my children. I want to start 40 with a commitment this changes now. I'm just scared I'm going to slip back due to guilt. After the last incident she told the children she was taking us all to America. Not only can she not afford that (not even for 1 person), but I'd never accept it and it would be disastrous. She does this after major episodes, like a way back in (not that her grand plans ever happen). I just want to have healthy boundaries where we don't come along for her highs and lows, we aren't in her path of meltdowns. I want to have a peaceful relationship that I don't have to continually recover from. I want to find a way to be kind but not give her enough time, access or knowledge of our lives that she can have this hold over us.
Sorry it's a novel.