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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to ask for more help with DD?

34 replies

robinhoodswife · 02/10/2019 20:55

Happily married {mostly}, we have a DD, she is coming up for 18mo and in her whole life her grandparents who live around the corner have offered to look after her {without me asking first}, well never. They are happy to help watch her for a couple of hours if I have an appointment, or once when I had a work meeting { I WFH} but generally they are quite unassuming and would never ask themselves. So, I always feel like I have to ask and therefore have a good enough 'reason'. My SIL has same issue. Her children have had a sleepover with their grandparents TWICE ever and the eldest is 9! They are really loving and kind grandparents – they just don't seem to be very proactive with making plans or showing willing to do things together for the benefit of the children...

My family all live 2+ hours away so I have no local support other than them and SIL who is 30 mins away. I don't have any close friends who can help out nearby either...mummy friends yes, but not people I'd ask to help with DD whilst I got a few jobs done / had an afternoon off to tackle the sodding mess of a garden / etc.

DH flatly refuses to ask his parents for help "except for DIY I can't do and Dad is better at" because he says it isn't fair to expect them to do things we could do ourselves. He is impossibly polite, well brought up but painfully unassuming {ooh, just like them!} that anyone else should do anything for him. He's right, but I'm like we're all FAMILY. I wouldn't think twice about asking my mum to babysit, and she wouldn't bat an eyelid, but she doesn't live around the corner...

Finally, DH does not 'believe' in childcare and thinks that we are responsible for our daughter ourselves and that I should put her first above everything.

I run my own business from home which is very flexible but will likely grow and evolve meaning I need to spend more hours a day on it.

AIBU that my DH will not ask his parents for help / not entertain me having a bit of time to work/feel sane during the week with DD in with a childminder for a few hours here and there?

I feel so helpless and suffocated. WTF should I do. What would YOU do?!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 02/10/2019 20:58

But they do help you...

They are happy to help watch her for a couple of hours if I have an appointment, or once when I had a work meeting

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2019 21:01

If your DH doesn't want you to use a childminder I suggest he changes his hours so he can mind her.

Seriously, start looking. Then mention to inlaws and see if that prompts them to offer.

It may actually be that they don't want to childmind on a regular basis.

Lovewineandchocs · 02/10/2019 21:08

I’d be more concerned about your DH’s attitude to childcare than about his parents tbh. If they’ll help you out for a couple of hours here and there, I’d continue to ask them to do that, without taking the piss obviously! Grin You don’t say whether you invite them on days out etc with your DD but maybe they’d be delighted to go.
Interesting how your DH thinks YOU, not him, should put your DD before everything. As a pp says, I’d start looking at childminders and if your DH objects tell him he can look after your DD while you’re working.

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 21:18

You should work on him regarding proper childcare. His parents are under no obligation to provide it if they maybe don't want to.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2019 21:29

Did you write there that your dh won't let you get a childminder while you work?!? If so, that's the problem.
It sounds like your dh is saying his parents don't have to help (he's right, they don't), but that you can't get a childminder (you can, that's up to you too), and it doesn't seem like he's prepared to decrease his hours to look after his dd so that you can work either. You have a dh problem.

Original poster
robinhoodswife · 03/10/2019 07:30

Thanks so much for the replies everyone.

I have invited the IL's out numerous times on days out etc but they are quite particular about where they go and don't really like going to toddler-friendly places {MIL is an ex-teacher, now hates being around kids except her own DG's}. We invite them on weekends to join us to go out for coffee or meet at the shops and they always say no! "We are getting all our jobs done this weekend" so it is a bit frustrating at times. They are good at stepping in when there's a real need, like I said before, but I do feel like they're just too polite to ask to see DD a lot of the time and yet when we give them an opportunity it's always met with excuses or conditions.

Anyway I've learned to accept that they won't change and that the only way to change the situation is by DH being a bit more encouraging with them. But you're all right - actually they don't owe as anything, I don't expect them to regularly watch her but I wish sometimes they would call up and offer to take her out for a walk or to the park to give me 5 mins :(((

Going to work on DH and his childcare attitude! He did say about her free hours once she's 3 but that's 18 months away! There is a cute little nursery just around the corner that I will investigate plus some others.

Thanks so much all x

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 03/10/2019 07:35

I don’t think you can expect anything from his parents to be honest; I think if they wanted to they would offer. I do think it’s ridiculous that your DO won’t agree to a childminder so you can get some work done, in my experience working from home only gets harder as they get older. I would be telling him that you’re doing it to be honest and if he doesn’t want that he can reduce his working hours to care for your DD

GPatz · 03/10/2019 07:49

I would look into getting a proper childminder. Do not rely on Grandparents - not only are they not obligated to help out, it can impact on your overall relationship with them. Much better to look at professional childcare and consider requests for childcare from GP when offered.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 03/10/2019 07:57

As someone who lives abroad and has literally NO childcare ever, I find it hard to sympathize - sorry OP! You sound a bit ungrateful. You have said that your PIL are good grandparents and happy to help when asked. Why should they offer? Your daughter is your responsibility - if you need help with her then you need to ask them. It’s not their job to predict when you may need help and offer! They’re probably enjoying their free time, having finished their child raising. You absolutely have nothing to complain about. Either ask them to have your daughter when you need them to, or pay for childcare like everyone else has to! Your PIL are humans too and living their own lives and being helpful when asked. YABU to expect them to do more.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 03/10/2019 07:58

Also your husband sounds quite horrible and sexist! I’d be working on him.

RedskyLastNight · 03/10/2019 08:00

For the sake of balance you need to realise that you have more help from your in-laws than a lot of people have from their parents/in-laws.
(my oldest is 15 and the only time he's had a sleepover with my parents was an emergency situation). So the fact they will help when asked is a positive.

It sounds like your real issue is that your DH won't entertain childcare. Perhaps suggest to him that he should look after the DC while you go to work and see what he says?

Bouledeneige · 03/10/2019 08:00

You do get some help - which is great. Be thankful. Your DH and you then need to divey up the rest of it or get a childminder.

My Mum looked after my daughter once for 2 hours. She just said she was too old to help. I have been on my own since the kids were 6 and 4 and I've managed. And I still adore my Mum. She brought up four of us without help from my Dad and had done her bit.

It's great if you get some help but you're not owed it - it's just your expectations and your DH's mindset that are making you miserable. Accept and adapt - they are your DC and your responsibility to look after and work it out. It gets easier - they are not little forever.

FaFoutis · 03/10/2019 08:00

I think you are kidding yourself. They are clearly not very interested in their grandchildren.
It comes as a bit of a shock when you realise this, but it's very common.

Petrichor11 · 03/10/2019 08:17

YABU to expect them to offer childcare and sleepovers. Your kids, your responsibility.

YANBU to want to use paid childcare, DH is BU to object to this unless he plans to be the one to make all the sacrifices to endure DD is always looked after by a parent

AngelsSins · 03/10/2019 08:43

You have a husband problem.

Not everyone wants to spend time with kids, sorry. They’ve done their time raising kids, they may not want to be so involved now. I know that must hurt, but they’re under no obligation.

Your husband however is the father. Why can’t he look after his own child for an afternoon? Let me guess, his job is too big and important for him to possibly spend any time caring for his child? He doesn’t get to dictate that you do all the parenting, you are not his skivvy. If he doesn’t want to use childcare then he needs to step up and fill in the gaps.

AmberAndAlexsMum · 03/10/2019 16:51

It will do your dd the world of good to have a regular time at nursery every week. She will get new experiences and you will get a break. Just tell DH this is what is happening and don't give him the opportunity to moan.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/10/2019 16:58

DH does not 'believe' in childcare and thinks that we are responsible for our daughter ourselves and that I should put her first above everything

So he will be willing to take dd all day Sat and Sun for you to work on your job?

It's all well and good him saying that but if he doesn't then hold himself up to that standard then he doesn't really got to dictate what you do.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/10/2019 17:00

Does your dh ever take dd to the park to give you time?

BuildBuildings · 03/10/2019 17:01

I know it's a popular mumsnet belief your kids are your responsibility. However in the real world its common and nice for grandparents to chip in. It sound like they have either forgotten or don't care to remember how hard it is to have a young child. Some people are just rubbish at empathy and thinking about others lives. I could be being harsh. But them saying they're doing hobs or don't want to be near children makes me think they are self involved. On the one hand they are under no obligation to help but it is normal in families. It would effect how I felt about them tbh.

BuildBuildings · 03/10/2019 17:01

Also your husbands attitude is crap. He seems to not believe in childcare but actually expect you to do the majority.

Loopytiles · 03/10/2019 17:02

Agree, your H is the issue here.

“DH does not 'believe' in childcare and thinks that we are responsible for our daughter ourselves and that I should put her first above everything.”

He gets to be a parent and continue doing his WoH because you try parent all day, to the detriment of your wfh and earnings/pension. He is a “facilitated man”.

Loopytiles · 03/10/2019 17:02

GPs are not U not to offer childcare.

Fatshedra · 03/10/2019 17:26

Well, DC is 18 months - you never know they might LOVE helping with homework when they are 9! Under 3s are hardwork, so much easier when you can talk to them.

CrimsonCottage · 03/10/2019 17:39

Your DH's attitude is a bit weird, and selfish as HIS job is too important to put aside to do childcare, but yours isn't Hmm. If he thinks children should be with their parents 24/7 is he against them going to school? And if not why is school ok but nursery not?

BigChocFrenzy · 03/10/2019 19:07

"DH .....thinks.... that I should put her first above everything" Hmm

Why can't HE put her first, e.g. reduce his hours and look after her

He should not be allowed to decide that YOU have to do the childcare