To want to ask for more help with DD?

[robinhoodswife]

Happily married {mostly}, we have a DD, she is coming up for 18mo and in her whole life her grandparents who live around the corner have offered to look after her {without me asking first}, well never. They are happy to help watch her for a couple of hours if I have an appointment, or once when I had a work meeting { I WFH} but generally they are quite unassuming and would never ask themselves. So, I always feel like I have to ask and therefore have a good enough 'reason'. My SIL has same issue. Her children have had a sleepover with their grandparents TWICE ever and the eldest is 9! They are really loving and kind grandparents – they just don't seem to be very proactive with making plans or showing willing to do things together for the benefit of the children...

My family all live 2+ hours away so I have no local support other than them and SIL who is 30 mins away. I don't have any close friends who can help out nearby either...mummy friends yes, but not people I'd ask to help with DD whilst I got a few jobs done / had an afternoon off to tackle the sodding mess of a garden / etc.

DH flatly refuses to ask his parents for help "except for DIY I can't do and Dad is better at" because he says it isn't fair to expect them to do things we could do ourselves. He is impossibly polite, well brought up but painfully unassuming {ooh, just like them!} that anyone else should do anything for him. He's right, but I'm like we're all FAMILY. I wouldn't think twice about asking my mum to babysit, and she wouldn't bat an eyelid, but she doesn't live around the corner...

Finally, DH does not 'believe' in childcare and thinks that we are responsible for our daughter ourselves and that I should put her first above everything.

I run my own business from home which is very flexible but will likely grow and evolve meaning I need to spend more hours a day on it.

AIBU that my DH will not ask his parents for help / not entertain me having a bit of time to work/feel sane during the week with DD in with a childminder for a few hours here and there?

I feel so helpless and suffocated. WTF should I do. What would YOU do?!

How much time does your DH spend looking after your DD on his own? Does he take her out by himself at the weekend? How often does he do her dinner, bath and bed?

I would be telling him that you’re doing it to be honest and if he doesn’t want that he can reduce his working hours to care for your DD

Agreed. Don’t let him walk over you OP!

How often does your husband look after dc? Do you do a day at the weekend each so the other can have time off, or is weekend childcare somehow your job still?

Im wondering if he’s had dc enough to realise how you get sfa done with a child there and how utterly exhausting it is.

Go away for the whole day or even better overnight so your husband can have Dc for an extended period of time.

See if he still feels the same about childcare after that. If you keep making him do more with dc he may feel more likely to consider his antiquated ideas which do not fit with modern life. If that doesn’t work send him back to the 1950s where he belongs
(ps when I say ‘make’ I don’t mean to be offensive like dc is a bad thing, I just mean that some DHs seem to suck out of parental responsibility and need, er, reminded of reality! )

How can you work without childcare ? That's the wierd thing here. Yes it is nice for grandparents to help out but in order to actually work you should find part time chilcare.

It wouldn't occur to me I needed to ask my husband's permission for that. Does he ask your permission to go to work ??

Yup, your husband and your acceptance of his opinions are the problem.

If your husband doesn’t want childcare then he needs to give up his job and be a sahp.

You can’t work without childcare. Well I know lots of people do, but you shouldn’t have to if you don’t want to.

Your in-laws are not required to help you, and it sounds like they do anyway if asked. So just ask them! Not everyone wants to spend a lot of time with little toddlers, but I do agree in real life most grandparents are more than happy to take grandchild to the park for an hour or 2

I agree with others that your frustration is aimed at the wrong person.

I wouldn’t ask DH you’ve found alternative childcare, I’d tell him!! You work and need little one entertained and if he doesn’t step up then you need to employ care.

It’s not down to your PILs to help you out with childcare or give you a break from your DD, OP.

That’s yours and your DHs job and responsibility. They sound pretty good tbh. Will help out if need be, aren’t intruding and popping round every 5 minutes etc.

Some women would kill for that. You need to sort out proper childcare if you feel like you need a break, stuff what you H thinks.

It's because you're the DIL. They'll feel uncomfortable and like they're stepping on toes. You'll have to be proactive and offer them times they can spend with DD.