Saving to escape vile husband

[Johntorrodeismydad]

I’m saving up to leave my husband. He’s the textbook emotional abuser, every time I read a thread on here about control, gaslighting, stonewalling, silent treatment, it feels like I’ve written it.

I was a highly successful professional with a great job, own home and car when I met him. Now I’m stuck, we’re married but the house we live in is tied to his job without him I wouldn’t be able to live here. My work is tied to his job too, I jacked in my career to work with him. I can’t believe I’ve been manipulated into this position but I have. It can happen to anyone. All of my money from the house went into our super expensive wedding that he wanted.

I have savings that I’ve squirrelled from working in my spare time as a virtual assistant. He doesn’t know very much about this and has no idea about how much I’ve saved. It’s about £5600. It won’t get me a house deposit yet but it will if I keep going.

I know I could leave now with my savings but it wouldn’t get me far and I’d be worried I’d come back. When I go I’ll go forever.

Not really sure if I’m asking AIBU just wanted to get it off my chest. I read a thread earlier about a woman who’s partner tells her he earns more than her. She’s not married and won’t believe she’s being financially controlled and that he’ll get worse. Believe me he will. I wish I’d had someone to talk to in the early days, although I’m not sure I’d have listened to any advice in those days.

If you’re still reading thank you. We all need a bit of support every now and then.

Name changed for obvious reasons xx

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are being very brave and I hope you feel free enough to leave very soon

I'm doing the same. How do I become a virtual assistant?

Keep going xxx

You are super brave. I hope you find the strength and enough money to leave soon.

Do you have children together? If not is there a family member you could go to just to get out sooner? I have a spare room I'd happily change into a room for any person stranger or not if they were fleeing DV. Good luck

P.s what is a virtual assistant

You sound very strong and determined and I’ve no doubt you will leave and make a much better new life for yourself, stay strong

Keep going.

The best thing my Mum did for me was escaping my vile Dad. That was 40 odd years ago. You can do this. We have never looked back x

Hi OP

Keep going it sounds like you are on the right path and I'm sure it will be worth it in the end.

Is there anything else you can do to get some more money eg switch back to your previous career or would he force to you 'share'? Have you had legal advice? As you may be due some of his assets in a divorce?

You’re doing so well, keep going! If it becomes unbearable then leave with what you have. Stay strong.

Keep your eye on the prize and keep plugging away, OP. But don't get into a situation where you keep thinking "just a little bit more" and never leave. Do you have to have a down payment for a house? Could you rent for a while? Every time that your husband causes you pain, remember--you've got a plan and it isn't going to be forever. You are retaking control of your life and working on getting out of a toxic relationship. You are still that strong independent woman that you were before you got married.

Are you in the UK?

You don't need to be able to buy a house to leave. You would be able to get a rental property - you might need to move further away than you would like, but I'm currently looking for places and I have seen flats for under £400 per month.

It's doable. And if you rent, it gives you a bit more freedom than buying, you have a chance to 'try out' areas before you settle for good.

Good luck whichever route you take.

Well done OP! Please think about what your target needs to be - if he's as bad as you say you may well be better renting and getting out sooner rather than later as it risks your mental health. Stay strong!!

Keep on saving - I would be stealing from him too.

OP, just be careful. My ex had a keylogger on my computer and so found out when I was looking for places to rent. He also snooped and found my running away fund. Sending you all the good vibes xxx

Thanks everyone such lovely responses. I am in the UK. I could rent but I’ve got this far and I’d really like to feel the security of my own home again. It sounds silly but I’m almost detached emotionally from him and his mind games which almost drove me to end it all at one point. Even when next to him I look at him as if from a distance. It’s bizarre but has helped me get through this. My MH is actually quite good considering. I’ve had no drugs, I just have my goal and renting, although I’d be free, is not my end goal. I’ve weighed it up, it would be freedom at a price, I can wait I’ve been through the worst when I loved him and didn’t understand why he was doing it.

No kids but even without them it’s not as easy as just throwing it all away and flitting.

Virtual Assistant is admin/accounting support from a remote location. So basically I provide a bookkeeping service for a local business and work in my spare time. I’m paid per hour and did an extra 28 hours last week so it all adds up for my little fund.

Good luck @PleaseHelpM3 if you need any help PM me.

U can do it op.i look forward to your follow up post of your freedom and love for life adventures.you will get there.dont ever turn back.he doesn't win!u sound so strong,smart and able for a fight.go on the win is yours.

I'm rooting for you Johnt you only get one life, I know it's a cliche but you must do whatever it takes to find peace and happiness. Squirrel as much away as you can, stay strong.

Good for you, am so pleased to read you have a plan and are determined.

The fact you have emotionally detached from him is all the better, his shitty behaviour and emotional abuse can no longer penetrate you.

Your focus and strength is to be admired. Best of luck

You sound incredibly strong, centred, focused, and extremely smart.

Good on you. If your goal is what keeps you going, and you've been able to detach from the mental and emotional abuse - keep on keeping on.

Well done OP for being so strong and focused to make a plan, I absolutely admire your determination. I really hope you can get out ASAP and start over for yourself. Best of luck 🍀

How long until you can leave op? I’m assuming you may be able to benefit from assets after you eventually get divorced?

If I was you I’d get some legal advice especially if your planing on buying he might try and make a claim against the house you purchase out of spite and if not that then your savings. Nasty men can get even nastier with divorce.

Omg I’m in awe of how strong you are. Keep going- you sound so brave.

You sound amazing and you’re doing such a brave and sensible thing! I really wish you all the best!

Well done OP, you sound like you've thought things through.

Can I just ask, if you were to save up enough for a deposit and then buy a house before you leave, would you not just have to give your exDH half of it anyway? Same if you just kept it as savings? I'm just asking for my own information, not necessarily commenting on your situation