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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not wish to be spoken to in that way?

75 replies

insanemumof3 · 02/10/2019 15:07

My 4 year son came out of p1 today and when i went to collect him from his line his teacher stopped me to say his jumper was conpletely soaken and they had to remove it from him. I was taken aback and surprised because i had dressed him my self this morning as he has suspected autism and dressing for school can present a challenge. I explained that it couldnt have been soaken as i dressed him and it was bone dry and his daddy put his coat on and he also said it was bone dry. She started to cut me off and started spekaing to me as if i was a misbehaved 3 year old and said no it was, it was so wet it seemed like i had taken it from the washing machine and put it straight on him this morning. When i preceded to explain that it physically couldnt be she again said no it definitely was soaken through and they had tried to dry it and then put it in his back. she also 'kindly' said that his tie wasnt his had someone elses name on it so they took it off him and dont know where his is. I said okay and she then left and went to other parents while i had to rush to the other side of the school to collect my 7 year old son who had just finished for the day.

i was humiliated and made to feel like i was a terrible parent who sends their children to school is not just wet but soaken clothes that they have to removed. i was spoken to like a child and i really didnt appreciate it.
i firmly believe that manners and politeness cost nothing and you always show respect to someone. its the way i was raised and how inraise my children.

AIBU to be upset at being spoken to like this and have her insinuate such things like that about me?

OP posts:

Kanga83 · 02/10/2019 15:45

Probably he ran straight to the water table- my 4 year old frequently does this and is out of his jumper before registration begins before the teachers spot him. As for food, my eldest has sensory issues and food aversions so has a similar lunch to yours. It's a slow process with food. Now six she's progressed to a plain cheese sandwich, one small yogurt and a carton of apple juice. Try not to take it to heart.

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 15:45

Op, she likely dried his jumper off.

But the critical thing here is not how you were spoken to but why your child was in a wet jumper on arrival to school, it is indeed an allegation as it would be tantamount to abuse.

So you need to find out how this occurred, if you try to see it from her side, a small special needs child turns up in a jumper that looks like it's just out the wash. She needs to say something.

You need to understand how this occurred.

Original poster

insanemumof3 · 02/10/2019 15:46

sorry my apologies regarding the misspelling of the word soaken/soakin. where im from its hows its said and generally put in text.

OP posts:

MariusJosipovic · 02/10/2019 15:46

I mean this kindly but do you think you're maybe a bit oversensitive/defensive about it? Either the teacher is mixed up with another pupil or your son's jumper did get wet somehow. Either way she's doing her job of changing him into something dry and flagging it up.

I know my own automatic reaction in that kind of situation is to feel a bit defensive but that's my own insecurity, I try to just approach the situation calmly at a later stage and think about what might have happened and why.

I honestly doubt the teacher has given a second thought to whether you are a young mum or not, and probably has enough sense/experience to understand that older doesn't necessarily mean a good parent.

Original poster

insanemumof3 · 02/10/2019 15:48

@Bluntness100 you dont seem to understand that i have tried to find out how it occured but as she refuses to acknowledge that i his parent walked him into school with a dry jumper and gave him into her care with a dry jumper. so i cant find out how it occured if she is instigating over and over that it is my fault. what sort of parent would send their child into school with a soaking jumper its ridiculous.

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IfNot · 02/10/2019 15:49

OP sometimes teachers get a prejudice against a certain parent and just run with it. My friend who was also young when her ds started school got accused of not reading with him and they wouldn't believe her that she did. Her ds turned out to be dyslexic.
I don't blame you for being annoyed. Talk to your child, see if you can find out anything.

Brefugee · 02/10/2019 15:50

They dried his jumper though so of course it's not wet.
For the tie - didn't they check the child whose tie he was wearing? maybe they got swapped over for some reason.

As for the lunch - tell her to butt out.

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting to be spoken to like an adult. Next time just say something like "Let's be clear. Are you accusing me of dressing my child in a sopping wet jumper, putting a coat on him over it and sending him to school?" just so you're sure what she's on about.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 15:51

Sounds like she’s mixed him up with someone else. Does he have a common name? Is it possible there are few Insanemumof3 Juniors in the class?

Or that he looks very little another child in the class?

Belfield · 02/10/2019 15:51

I think you need to speak to the Head about this. There is obviously a huge mix up. It is not nice to be spoken to like that but if the teacher thinks you are sending your child to school in wet clothes, I can understand why it was said. Ditto the lunch if it is yogurt, biscuit and pancakes but as you say it was not. I would delve further before it esclates.

32ndofFebtober · 02/10/2019 15:51

@insanemumof3 No need to apologise, I just thought it must be your local dialect, it wasn't meant to be a criticism. Where I live we have a huge number of words spoken nowhere else and I find it fascinating.

SinkGirl · 02/10/2019 15:53

Is his ASD diagnosed yet? Does he have an EHCP? If they know he has sensory issues with food their main concern should be making sure he eats something, not criticising you for sending too much food.

If the teacher won’t have a reasonable discussion with you, go over her head and speak to someone more senior - reiterate that your child was sent in dry clothing and you need to establish how this happened.

Original poster

insanemumof3 · 02/10/2019 15:53

@MariusJosipovic i honestly am not being over sensitive about it all. i appreciate she brought the subject up with me and im glad she did. however over the last few weeks it was been a new strange peoblem every week. if she got it mixed up with another child then that it an honest mistake that anybody could make

HOWEVER, my problem is why cant she acknowledge my point and see if something could have happened into school to wet his jumper

his jumper was bone dry when i took him into class and his bone dry now as is the rest of his clothing. and also my son would definitely not allow a wet jumper to be put on him. he hates anything that is wet so much so he doesnt like wearing shorts in the pool

im annoyed she spoken to me as she did because i couldnt get my point across to her and she therefore spoke to me like a child as i wasnt just agreeing with her

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 02/10/2019 15:53

Does your son say anything about it? If he spilt some thing or got it wet with a drink somehow it wouldn’t be as if it had just come out of the machine surely.
I’d tell her to mind her own business about the lunch, I know you’re not allowed to any more, but I would have done when mine were small.
What was the name on the tie? Perhaps that kids had your son’s.

Jaxhog · 02/10/2019 15:55

The response you describe does sound a bit extreme, but perhaps something is going on that you aren't aware of e.g. bullying. Is it possible that your DS doesn't recognize that he's being bullied? Some bullies can be quite subtle. Or, maybe, she is confusing him with another boy? Talking to her (and the classroom assistant) calmly at your next parent's evening may be the only way to get to the bottom of this.

Rachelle11 · 02/10/2019 15:59

It kind of sounds like both were being adversarial. She told you it was wet, you told her it couldn't have been wet. Clearly it was wet, so the bigger issue is how it got wet? Shouldn't that be the bigger focus?

Littlemeadow123 · 02/10/2019 16:01

Sounds like she has mixed him up with somebody else, which isnt great really. I can understand why you are feeling patronised.

FlashingLights101 · 02/10/2019 16:02

Does your son have speech delay or can he give you any insight into what happened?

Original poster

insanemumof3 · 02/10/2019 16:02

my son as speech delayment so he doesnt always understand what you are asking him and unfortunately he didnt when i asked him about the jumper guys :(

he isnt diagnosed his speech therapist occupational therapist and educational therapist also think he has it and hes been assessed by the autism clinic we are just waiting on their decision.

she just seems to have a problem with us or my son dont know which anymore. all i want is my son to go to school and his day be as easy a possible for him as everyday is hard enough.

ive spoken to the head of year and said i just didnt appreciate what was insinuated and if she did indeed feel it was wet could she explain how it might have happened as she refused to believe it was dry.

i dont wish to have an awkward relationship with his teacher as obviously she spends alot of time with him and i want him to be comfortable and progress with her. i just dont want to be facing a 'problem' everytime i get him as she isnt happy with some thing always.

OP posts:

NorthEndGal · 02/10/2019 16:03

I think you maybe need to worry less about how she spoke, and more about why he was or wasnt wet.
It sounds like he may have been mixed up with another child, it would explain the tie thing too

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 16:03

Op you clearly state in your post she told you she had to dry it. I am unsure why you keep posting it was dry as some form of evidence it was never wet.

She told you it was wet. The normal reaction would be, when. How come, after he took his coat of, what did he do etc. It would not be to say no it wasn't.

Rachelover60 · 02/10/2019 16:04

Like others, I have an idea that the teacher is getting your son mixed up with another child. It's possible of course that he slipped and fell into some water but then he'd surely tell you.

You are understandably aggrieved about being talked down to, that was wrong.

I hope your husband is with you during the parent interviews this month, keep calm and make a list of what you want to say.

Original poster

insanemumof3 · 02/10/2019 16:05

@northendgal as ive previously explained i am concerned as to why she felt he was soaking but she was basically blaming me and wouldnt try to talk about why he was wet.

i hope she has got him mixed up so she can get off my back and stop making problems with my son.

OP posts:

Lipz · 02/10/2019 16:05

I'd arrange a meeting asap. Either she's mixing him up or something is happening between you dropping him off and start of class. The thing about the yoghurts is strange, so you don't give him yoghurts and she's saying you give him 2 ?

What's the routine when they go into class ? Do they use the bathroom? Are lunch boxes put in one area ? This would explain wet jumper and mixing up of lunches.

You say he has autism, my dd has autism and chews her tops, they do be soaked, does he dribble or chew clothes ? I find school uniforms wet more than regular clothes.

If his tie had his name on it this morning and he had someone else's on during the day, then someone is taking off his clothing. You say you help him dress, so he's not doing this himself.

Someone knows something, these are things he's not doing without anyone seeing him. I'm sure the kids are not left unsupervised. Arrange a meeting asap and find out what is happening.

Brefugee · 02/10/2019 16:07

What about the tie though? have you asked her whose tie it was and if they checked with that kid if he has your son's tie by mistake?

The teacher sounds rushed - that's not an ideal way to handle things.

Original poster

insanemumof3 · 02/10/2019 16:08

@Bluntness100 i keep stating it was dry because you keep stating it was wet when it wasnt. im looking for helpful advice and you are not providing that. please refrain from my thread if you cannt be something other than rude.. not blunt!

thankyou to everyone else whos replied i appreciate you view on it all :)

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