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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate colleague. The last word.

53 replies

Plentymorethere · 02/10/2019 14:40

He has a girlfriend for over a year . I thought he had a fwb thing for some months but I was duped. We started to pull way back from one another two months ago and I was mad as hell because during his relationship he was still texting me telling me I was this that and the other -all bullshit.I was flattered but had zero intention on f acting on anything.He text those two months ago to explain how it was time for us to disengage once he decided it was time not to treat her like shit anymore or he might lose her and she had also got a sniff of his contact with me.I was in an abusive relationship then. I replied by telling him that it was indeed time as his behaviour was unfair and inappropriate.
There was no way I was going to let him off the hook with him trying to convince me he was doing me a favour so the last words were essentially( and in other words) keep it light or keep the fuck away from me. I alluded to him being a sleaze and boy he didn’t like it. Now however he seems really distant and things are awkward.He is now started to be loud and vocal about his wonderful social life and plans with his girlfriend to anyone in the office who will listen. This from a man who didn’t mention her name for well past a year and nobody knew she existed.I don’t know what his game is and I don’t know how to respond. It is uncomfortable and I’m mortified deep down and although I play the ice queen act well, I am mad as hell.help!

OP posts:
CAG12 · 02/10/2019 14:45

Hes probably just feeling embarassed and its a way of belittling you. Honestly he sounds like a bellend, let him get on with it. He'll get bored eventually when he sees he gets no rise from you

Stephminx · 02/10/2019 14:47

What is your question / AIBU ?

Just let him get on with it. Why do you care ?

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 02/10/2019 14:51

Wasn't the whole point that he was going to keep his distance? So why is it weird he is now being distant?

Original poster
Plentymorethere · 02/10/2019 14:51

I am really mad at how he treated me and discarded me just like that. He is a selfish fucker and his girlfriend has no problem with that it seems but she certainly has a problem with his contact with me.she had not clue and neither did I !we were super friends and had great fun together. I feel like I was just used for the ego stroke.He does try to get a rise out of me.Asking me t suggest hotel, holidays days abroad etc for him and his girlfriend. Love me butter wouldn’t melt. Yet I f I was to ask him what his game S, I imagine he would shrug his shoulders and say he was only having a laugh and a bit of a flirt. What can I do to help myself and get this asshole off my back without leaving my job?

OP posts:
Original poster
Plentymorethere · 02/10/2019 14:54

Yes but he’s not keeping distant.He is actively asking me for recommendations for romantic get aways and activities and treating me like another person that he works with rather than the friends we were.He is blowing his trumpet about his amazing experiences with a girlfriend of over a year that came out of nowhere.Im hurt and I’m mad and I don’t know how to handle him Or it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plentymorethere · 02/10/2019 14:56

My aibu is that if I am I over reacting and if so what I can I do to reel myself I.I feel like the emotion of it all is overtaking me rather than being rational.

OP posts:
CAG12 · 02/10/2019 14:58

I think considering leaving your job is a bit of an over reaction.

Just give him non commital answers. 'Do you no of any nice hotels?' You can answer 'no, sorry'. Etc etc. Just get on with your own life, distance yourself physically from him at work, let him peacock his gf around.

Youre not being unreasonable for being annoyed that he treated you poorly. But surely that just shows what a prize dick cheese he is? His gf is welcome to him. Youve had a lucky escape.

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 14:59

Hang on why he the sleaze?

You were in a relationship so was he? You were engaging with eachother.

He is talking to colleagues about his girlfriend. That's normal. You cant do anything about it. He may be trying to wind you up, but he isnr actually doing anything wrong.

This is all so childish, trying to get the last word.

Original poster
Plentymorethere · 02/10/2019 15:00

Thanks. Having an off day today about him and to see him peacocking around the canteen makes my blood boil. I am
Perhaps mad with myself for being such a mug and falling for his bullshit and being flattered . I am probably jealous too.

OP posts:
littletikes27 · 02/10/2019 15:03

Am I the only one who hasn't got a clue what's going on?

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2019 15:05

Are you still in an abusive relationship?

Have you done anything like the Freedom programme or read around abuse and how to recover?

He isn't on your back, he's showing you that you don't matter. Don't feed into it and start a life for yourself.

Sometimes until you are about to lose someone you take them for granted. So he's bigging up his relationship, to everyone and himself.

But you should concentrate on you and whatever he's doing won't matter.

Areyoufree · 02/10/2019 15:07

Am I the only one who hasn't got a clue what's going on?

Nope. Am baffled too. I thought the OP had been having an affair with the guy, but reading the response, I am no longer sure.

Nonstopbuttmachine · 02/10/2019 15:11

Vicky Pollard, is that you?

Original poster
Plentymorethere · 02/10/2019 15:11

Thanks. No my relationship is over. I finally walked away.I didn’t have a sexual
Relationship with colleague despite his best efforts.As awful as my abusive relationship was,I was afraid to go into something with colleague as my ex would have lost his mind if he found out and I was scared but I did enjoy the flirtation of it all. His contact was quite flirty , I didn’t reciprocate. All that time he was in a full on new relationship of a year.I had no idea.

OP posts:
CAG12 · 02/10/2019 15:12

@littletikes27 ive assumed she was just annoyed at being binned off? Unsure who was having an affair though, if it was both or just him.

@Plentymorethere were you expecting him to leave his gf for you?! Because yes, thats kind of unreasonable

Original poster
Plentymorethere · 02/10/2019 15:12

Sorry for confusing you. I’m ranting as I type.hope I clarified things and thanks.

OP posts:
CAG12 · 02/10/2019 15:13

@Nonstopbuttmachine rofl 😂

Greenleaveslaughing · 02/10/2019 15:14

So emotional relationship with a guy at work, who happily strung you along, while maintain his actual relationship at home.
When he’s sure you’re hooked, he dumps you, and now throws his real relationship in your face at every opportunity.
He’s a child, you were a little foolish, ( haven’t we all been that before)
But for the second time today, I say forgive yourself.
It hurts, but just make it Business as usual.
Don’t let him see you are upset, and you’ll get through this.
He’s not as nice as you thought after all.
You will get through this, don’t show you’re hurt, weird blokes like this..it’s all part of their weird twisted game.
It’s very sad for him..

Ohyesiam · 02/10/2019 15:18

Huh?
We’re you not the fwb then?
I don’t understand any of this .

Well done on getting out of abusive relationship though.

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 15:22

Who was the fwb?

You didnt reciprocate the flirting but only didnt get with him because you were scared of the exs reaction?

You are this worked up about it but never reciprocated the flirting?

shearwater · 02/10/2019 15:24

When he asks you for a suggestion just say "I've no idea!" and interact with him at a bare minimum level.

incognito76 · 02/10/2019 15:29

Have you posted about this before? I swear there's been at least one other thread in the last few weeks about people having flirtations with colleagues and then being annoyed when they 'talk about their social life' or 'keep mentioning their girlfriend' who they never mentioned before in the office.

Basically, your story is that he flirted with you, you had no intention of ever acting on it, he realised this and disengaged - which is hardly unreasonable given that you weren't going to have any relationship with him. You were happy enough for him to go behind his girlfriend's back when you flattered by it, but now that you're not being flattered any more you've decided he's a sleaze.

Anyway. Just move on. He's entitled to talk about his social life whether you like it or not. You've both been really unprofessional so just draw a bloody line under it and stop dwelling and obsessing over someone you never had any kind of relationship with.

I hope you are out of your abusive relationship now and are safe from that, but with regards to relationships in general I think you need to learn a lot about boundaries - other people's as well as your own - because the situation you are describing here is messy, irrational and dysfunctional on every level.

Original poster
Plentymorethere · 02/10/2019 15:31

Yeah @Greenleaveslaughing that’s precisely it ! Not very good at posting ,thanks

OP posts:
Zebraaa · 02/10/2019 15:31

Have you posted about this before? Sounds familiar.

Anyway, sounds like he’s trying to make you jealous and it’s working. He’s made it clear he wants to stay in his relationship so you need to ignore him and accept you won’t have the same friendship as before.

Original poster
Plentymorethere · 02/10/2019 15:32

I didn’t know he had s girlfriend

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