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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Questioning my parenting. Feeling inadequate

48 replies

Tezharr · 02/10/2019 11:29

My daughter and her lovely boyfriend are both 16. They want to go to a concert in London. As they are both sensible kids I have decided to let her go.

The thing is that my daughter says that his mum will probably get a hotel in London when they go. His parents also collect him from mine every time he comes over. And basically has lots of say in what he does from what I can gather.

I however have taught independence. And I think I am feeling a little inadequate against the boyfriends parents. He also went to private school and has a lovely house by the beach. They have two kids and my dd bf is the youngest. Their other child has gone off to uni this year.

I wonder if me expecting my dd to pay for her own ticket and make her own travel arrangements is unreasonable or not. He probably won't even have to pay for his own ticket. Whereas I pay for all my dd necessities but not her wants. She has a job to cover her wants.

I have five kids and the daughter I am talking about is also my youngest. All my kids are successful and have gotten through puberty pretty much trouble free. So I must have done something right. My dd doesn't want for nothing but I don't believe in spoiling them and running there lives. They have even dropped her home to me when I arranged to meet her at the station. (They live a train ride apart). They said that she would have got soaked as it was raining down there end. I would have said give her an umbrella as its the UK and it rains.

Am I being a selfish parent? Or is it different parenting styles clashing? Or are they mollycoddling their son? All I know right now is how inadequate I feel.

Thanks in advance for your replies.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/10/2019 11:32

I think you sound like a healthy, grounded, relaxed, lovely parent!!!

It's great that you've brought her up to be independent and provide luxuries for herself. I was also brought up to be independent and it's a really exciting feeling like you're taking your first steps into the world, with the reassurance of knowing that your Mum's got your back if anything goes wrong.

She sounds like a lovely, smart girl. And Judging by your other 4, you're definitely doing something right! They may just have a different parenting style; it doesn't necessarily mean that one is 'better' than the other, just different. Please stop being so hard on yourself!

tomboytown · 02/10/2019 11:32

What’s the issue?

NoSauce · 02/10/2019 11:34

Personally I don’t think they’re mollycoddling their son, I have done similar for mine. There’s no right or wrong here, just different. Try not to compare with his parents and what they do.

Kazoofromhell · 02/10/2019 11:39

I think you’ve summed it up when you asked whether it’s just different parenting styles. Yes I think it is. You aren’t wrong to expect your children to be independent and pay for treats or luxuries. Your DDs boyfriends parents aren’t wrong for giving him a lift or payIng for a concert ticket. It’s just different to how you do things.

formerbabe · 02/10/2019 11:39

Neither way is wrong or right...just different. They sound like a nice family who just do things differently to you.

Areyoufree · 02/10/2019 11:42

Feel let down - saw a post about inadequate parenting, and was hoping it was going to make me feel better about my failings. It did not.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 02/10/2019 11:43

Why is it clashing? It doesnt seem like they are criticising you or its causing any issues?

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 11:49

They have different parenting styles. Neither one is wrong. ¯\(ツ)/¯

That said

They said that she would have got soaked as it was raining down there end.

Makes them sound like nice, kind, caring, concerned people.

Your comment

I would have said give her an umbrella as its the UK and it rains

doesn’t exactly warm the heart. Confused. If the boot were on the other foot, and my mother had been facing a walk to the station in the rain, I can’t imagine thinking, “fuck it, she can walk, it’s the UK and it rains.”

Not everything in life needs to be some kind of character building lesson. Everything in moderation.

Polkadotpride · 02/10/2019 12:02

I was brought up like your daughter and it was great. I intend to bring up my kids the same.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 02/10/2019 12:37

I think neither is really wrong, although if I could do extra for my child then I would. Encouraging independence is nice but I wouldn’t shove an umbrella at them and say ‘it’s england and it rains’ if I had the time to pick them up. Or if I could afford to chip in for this little treat then I’d probably do it as a one off. It’s nice to be independent but it’s also nice to be nice and treat them sometimes.

Aprillygirl · 02/10/2019 12:38

I think it's strange and mollycoddling that the bf's mum is thinking about getting a hotel in London. Time for her to let go of the apron strings and let her DS have a bit of independence. I would say your parenting style is healthier OP.

NoSauce · 02/10/2019 13:03

Makes them sound like nice, kind, caring, concerned people

Agree with that.

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 13:08

I don't think either are wrong. Just different.

Personally I'd not take your approach and would be more like the other parents, in fact I was, and my daughter is a very independent 22 year old now.

But if this is how you do things, that's fair enough.

Bubblesgun · 02/10/2019 13:22

Tezharr

I grew up like your daughter but it would have been nice that if once my parents had stayed up late to pick me up instead of always being with my friends’ parents or even if they could sort something out for me.
I am bringing my kids up like yours BUT in moderation, Like someone said up thread.

The key word here is EMPATHY. You definitively can be independant and have empathy. I am learning to gove empathy now in my 40s because I was never shown it.

EssentialHummus · 02/10/2019 13:28

They have even dropped her home to me when I arranged to meet her at the station. (They live a train ride apart). They said that she would have got soaked as it was raining down there end. I would have said give her an umbrella as its the UK and it rains.

They’re treating her like one of their own. It sounds lovely to me. I don’t understand why you’re unhappy - your DD will see that families do things differently and that that’s OK.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 02/10/2019 13:42

You're just doing things differently. That's all. It's allowed. Wink

VladmirsPoutine · 02/10/2019 13:45

I really can't see what the AIBU is. I thought it was going to be whether you should allow her to stay at a hotel with him but the rest of the post is just surely people living their own lives.

SinglePringle · 02/10/2019 14:01

My parents were like you and I am very independent as a result.

It’s great. Except...

I am also left with the feeling that I am not worth going to any trouble for. That I’m worth less investment, I’m less deserving of time or attention. So the independence has come in handy...

A balance is the way forward.

EssentialHummus · 02/10/2019 14:06

Fwiw op, my dad was like the BF’s parents, and I was living on the other side of the world by 23. He wouldn’t even leave me to fill up my own car with petrol! It didn’t affect my independence at all.

AudacityOfHope · 02/10/2019 14:06

They sound nice! Apart from the hotel thing, that's a bit much (ok, a lot much).

But the lift home is nice. Encouraging independence is different from doing kind things for people you love.

I don't honestly think you sound like you feel inferior though, I think you think you've got it right and think they are terrible mollycoddlers. It's a very stealthy stealth boast.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 14:10

I don't honestly think you sound like you feel inferior though, I think you think you've got it right and think they are terrible mollycoddlers. It's a very stealthy stealth boast.

Might explain why OP is yet to return to her own thread. Grin

NoSauce · 02/10/2019 14:10

I take it they’re staying over in London if the mum is getting a hotel room? I don’t think that is “too much” personally given the ages of the DD and her boyfriend. 16 is pretty young to be staying overnight in London on their own imo.

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 02/10/2019 14:11

I don't really have anything to say OP other than you sound like a wonderful parent. They also sound like wonderful parents.

There is definitely more than 1 positive way to bring up your children.

RONNIETRIX · 02/10/2019 14:13

Im not sure what ur issue is?
Have u got no real problems? Lucky u x
Everyone is different x

FunOnTheBeach20 · 02/10/2019 14:13

Your approach is totally normal! When I was 16 I had a BF who’s parents were so suffocating. He was so controlled and there were endless restrictions on him, especially his social life. A good example was when he was told he couldn’t go to the cinema with a group of friends because groups are rowdy. (It was a mixed group of boys and girls and we were all pretty respectful). He went totally off the rails and has made some choices I know they will be really disappointed with. The rest of us have turned out alright. Anyway, my point is it’s healthy to foster some independence.