Questioning my parenting. Feeling inadequate

[Tezharr]

My daughter and her lovely boyfriend are both 16. They want to go to a concert in London. As they are both sensible kids I have decided to let her go.

The thing is that my daughter says that his mum will probably get a hotel in London when they go. His parents also collect him from mine every time he comes over. And basically has lots of say in what he does from what I can gather.

I however have taught independence. And I think I am feeling a little inadequate against the boyfriends parents. He also went to private school and has a lovely house by the beach. They have two kids and my dd bf is the youngest. Their other child has gone off to uni this year.

I wonder if me expecting my dd to pay for her own ticket and make her own travel arrangements is unreasonable or not. He probably won't even have to pay for his own ticket. Whereas I pay for all my dd necessities but not her wants. She has a job to cover her wants.

I have five kids and the daughter I am talking about is also my youngest. All my kids are successful and have gotten through puberty pretty much trouble free. So I must have done something right. My dd doesn't want for nothing but I don't believe in spoiling them and running there lives. They have even dropped her home to me when I arranged to meet her at the station. (They live a train ride apart). They said that she would have got soaked as it was raining down there end. I would have said give her an umbrella as its the UK and it rains.

Am I being a selfish parent? Or is it different parenting styles clashing? Or are they mollycoddling their son? All I know right now is how inadequate I feel.

Thanks in advance for your replies.

I also think 16 is quite young to be alone in London, I'm not even sure you can legally check into a hotel at that age and there is no insinuation the mother is going to be hanging out with them.

I also agree there is a difference between mollycoddling, independence and simply supporting your children and doing things for them because you love them.

I agree with others that it is about balance. The other parents sound kind and caring, which makes a child feel valued and also encourages them to be kind and caring to others in turn.

Your comment about the umbrella/lift does sound a bit mean spirited. Modelling thoughtfulness and doing nice things for others when we can is positive. There is nothing laudable about leaving someone to walk in the rain. I am not suggesting that you had to drive, but I don't think that opting not to do so is "building independence" and particularly praiseworthy.

Agree with the others about balance. I get that you want to teach her independence, but that doesnt mean that you cant be kinder. she could also one day turn around and tell you to sort your own problem out if you need her help.

No way would I let 2 16 year old stay overnight in London by themselves. Or any major city.

It's not mollycoddling.

You both have different approaches as has been said on this thread and neither is wrong.

You do you and let them do them.

I'm not sure what your issue is.

They have less children and more money then you, so they have more time and money to spend on each child.

You don't have that luxury therefore your children have to be more independent and resourceful.

Neither approach is wrong.

Whether 16 is too young to spend in a hotel in London depends on the individual 16 year old.

And I hope you thanked them for dropping her off.

I'm a bit confused, you think they mollycoddled him by caring for him? You dont have to be THAT independent.

Exactly what bluntness said. 16yo in London shouldn't be able to check into a hotel they usually require 1 person over 18. Also think it's far too young. I sound similar to the other family. Dd does plenty on her own, goes into local large town, dinners, cinema etc.. but if any of these events run into the evening, I will always pick her up, and honestly would feel so mean giving her an umbrella rather than a quick lift.

I think it's fine to be independent, or to give your kids a helping hand. She is already her own person, your work is done. Are you feeling undermined they are richer? Don't be, your daughter values you as her parent.
I would be concerned about sleeping arrangements, and having that chat if needed. Don't let her be pressured into sharing a room if she doesn't want. Yes I would buy condoms

I was bought up like this and its made me very independant and headstrong.

HOWEVER

My mum was never particularly caring. I remember falling on my fingers and breaking them when at an after school club, phoning my mum for a lift home because I was in pain, and being told 'no you can walk home. You havent broken a leg have you?'

Ive had to learn care and compassion because I was never shown any.

You have different parenting styles, that's okay.
The positives of your style is that your dd is independent and will be able to stand on her own two feet.
The positive of the boyfriend's parents is that he will feel nurtured and will be more protected. 16 is pretty young to overnight in London just with partner.
But neither parenting style is wrong, there isn't just one way of successfully raising dc.

They sound like nice people. You should be happy.

Sounds more like you're judging their parenting rather than them judging yours. Parent your own child as you see fit and let them do the same.

You do actually seem to think they are less adequate parents.

FWIW from the information given you both seem to be doing a pretty good job in your own circumstances, which obviously are not identical.

I tend towards letting DDs be independent, trusting them to be sensible and not helicoptering, but keeping an eye on them and see if they need more help or support. DDs are 14 and 10.

One example: With homework, in Y6, they have a new system now where they do a couple of sums a day in their books as well as their weekly online maths and spellings. To get them used a bit to secondary school and doing a bit every evening. DD2 has never been too bad with homework, (with a bit of prompting) she gets on with it, but this year so far I hadn't said much at all, just to ask her whether she was up to date. Turned out that a couple of weeks in, she hadn't been keeping up with it at all and obviously felt a little overwhelmed. So I intervened and helped her to get into a proper routine and catch up.

On the other hand, she now has a house key and has been letting herself in after school and being on her own (with pets) for a short time a couple of times a week. She has absolutely loved this responsibility and has really risen to it (there are neighbours and family nearby to help if there are any problems). So she was ready for that.

So what I was trying to say was, we kind of know when they are ready to do something, but sometimes we get it a bit wrong and need to help them more.

My youngest also insists that her friends' mums tidy up their bedrooms for them. That may be the case, but I'm still in the stage of helping her to tidy up (not doing it all, but doing it with her to teach her how to tidy up). DD1 on the other hand is now pretty good, her room can still get in a state but she usually does something about it without being asked first. But when she was ten it was very much a work in progress!

I think if you always just do things for them you risk making a rod for your own back and raising a child who struggles with simple household chores as a young adult, but then everyone is different. DD1's best friend always seemed to be incredibly tidy from a young age and it made me feel like I was rather lax in that department. Other people will still be doing chores for their adult children.

it was pouring with rain, they dropped your dd home and you were cross?

wow.

You are both ends of the scale - personally I would say that somewhere in the middle is more appropriate a balance. But you have 5 they have 2.

This is your issue so figure out why because there are 2 separate things going on here
Parenting styles (yet both are sensible children)
Differing amounts of money

And I think the latter is hitting home rather than the former

Hi, thanks for so many replies. I can see that a few things I didn't make clear in my post.

1. I would never leave my daughter unsafe. And would make suitable arrangements for any kind of event whether that needs my help for safety reasons. Or if it something within her own capabilities and safety. I pick my 18 year old daughter up from work at 10pm two nights a week.
2. She is not staying in London overnight. They are watching the concert and getting a train back. Where I would meet her/them at the station and bring her/them home. So I'm not sure if he's parents are booking rooms for them all tbh.
3. She was not walking to a train station from her bf's house when she was given a lift. The agreement was that she is escorted to the station which would have been by car. In the dry. And then waiting in the dry train station. Then on the dry train. Then met at the train station at 8pm the other end by myself.
4. I do offer kindness and always am there to talk to and support.

But thank you for the replies. I can see that it is probably that I feel a bit inadequate that my dd has a boyfriend that comes from a family that is quite rich and do things differently to me. And that neither parenting styles are wrong. And that I think I will carry on as I am as it didn't do my other kids any harm at all. The eldest has built his own house and has two rental properties. The second eldest has a first class honours degree. The third a very skilful and hard working carpenter. The fourth who is working hard at 6th form and plans to go to uni. And the daughter I am talking about has two 9's and two 8's in her GCSE results and also plans to go uni. They all having strong family morals.

The youngest two want for nothing and are very well looked after. I just won't be a taxi service, a bank, or a servant. But I can see that some parents do lots or everything for their kids and this is what I am questioning my parenting about.

We are a very close family. I was brought up in care and also had difficult adult relationships. I am proud of where all my kids are in life. And they are in better positions than I was. I guess with my background it wouldn't take much to knock me off balance and question myself.

Thank you all for your broad spectrum of views. :-)

@montenuit I wasn't cross.

You sound lovely, as do his parents. It's just different styles. Your info about the train station makes more sense now and seems perfectly reasonable. I don't think either style is particularly far ends of the spectrum, it's just a slightly different approach. Who knows what has gone on for his parents that means one or both of them feel a need to be a bit more hands on. They may feel inferior to you and wish they had the confidence to leave him to it a bit more. We never know anyone else's stuff, after all. But either way seems like the kids from both families are going on to do well.

It sounds like you’re all doing a good job, OP.

My mother was more of your ilk. I went to get tooth extractions and a local anaesthetic on my own aged 15 and then went home alone, had my braces fitted on my and made my own way to school, and travelled hundreds of miles by train in a foreign country every half term w/o a mobile aged 13.

Didn’t feel hard done by at the time nor now.

Sounds more like you're judging their parenting rather than them judging yours. Parent your own child as you see fit and let them do the same.

This

You should be proud, they all sound fantastic.